On the termination fence

Help!


I have an 11 month old son and our DH has been with us for the past three months. There have been a few episodes that have made me question if she's right for us, but I'm on the fence on whether I should terminate her. I'd love a reality check from others. What would you do?


In short:

She presented herself very well during the interview - very confidant and well spoken. We were excited to have her. And she was excited to work with a baby again (it had been a handful of years).


But once she started, she was timid, so much so that when we had a dinner party she stayed in her room with the door closed and didn't come out until the next morning. (As an aside, she isn't young - she's nearly 50.)


Some of the major issues...She might follow directions, but she doesn't think about them. When it was chilly a couple of months back, I asked her to turn the heater in the baby's room on high before he had his bath so the room would be warm when he was being dressed. Once the cold spell passed, I was dressing him in the room thinking it was really warm. I then realized the heater was on high, but it was still up against his WOOD crib and some cardboard boxes AND there was a blanket draped on the top of it.


Not only was I shocked that the heater was on because it wasn't cold, but I was mortified that she would create such a fire hazard. Had she been the one to put him to bed that night would she have left the heater on in that situation? We did discuss it and I got the normal blank stare and an "OK" that I always get from her. I never know if she's getting the message from me.


Other issues: She's ruined two loads of laundry - one turned pink and the other turned yellow. She's been a DH helper for more than a decade, so this was a bit surprising. I've since told her to go back to basics with only whites and only really darks and everything in between we'll figure out together. Today it was another multicolored load that thankfully worked out OK, but she didn't follow directions. This is surprising because after the second mishap she cried for HOURS and even wrote us a letter saying it was her fault -- she didn't think the bright yellow garment would dye the whites...


Another thing that bothers me is that she's really cheerful with my son, which I'm happy about, but as soon as I speak to her she switches personalities and will sometimes only look at me without responding. Sometimes she doesn't even look at me.


Also, while she seemed well spoken during the interview I've realized that her English isn't that great. That makes our communication difficult and I'm not thrilled that this is my son's daily exposure to language. How do you even discuss this?!


We went away for a long weekend recently and when we returned I noticed a laundry invoice on the fridge. It was for a pillowcase ($28), duvet cover ($88) and a fitted sheet ($42). When I asked her about it, she said that the weather was wet and humid, so she took them to be laundered and also asked for them to be ironed. I was shocked! I explained to her that there's no rush in washing sheets because we have plenty of sets AND we pay her to iron, not someone else. I asked her if it seemed expensive and she said yes, but she did it anyway. I told her that it was expensive to me as well: The cost of washing and ironing a silly pillowcase ($28) was equivalent to lunch as far as I was concerned. We didn't make her pay for it, but I feel like she just doesn't make good decisions.


She also doesn't cook. She said she could in the interview, but is really passive aggressive about it now. Never offers and has a bit of an attitude when we ask for her help in the kitchen.


She also told us that she doesn't like our food and would like to have a food allowance of $500. I was floored because we're paying her $4000, in part assuming that there was no other food expense. We agreed that we'd give her $250 extra a month to compromise. We also provide basics like bread, rice, water.


Her good points: She's honest. She seems to really like my son and sticks to his daily routine like clockwork.


So, what do I do?

before you threaten termination- sit her down and talk to her. be very direct- tell her her good points and tell her that you are worried about the aspects you mentioned above.


personally i would give her a couple of weeks to improve- and you can mention her attitude- that's part of her work performance and it's your home remember,,,


if things don't improve then terminate her contract- following the correct procedure. you will find that you'll spend lots of time worrying about this problem if you don't sort it out. good luck!

The heater incident and her reaction when you discussed it with her are extremely alarming. I would have terminated her immediately. The rest sounds pretty dire as well (repeated laundry disasters, inability to cook, the "bit of an attitude". Don't you just get a feeling that things are never going to change? After the heater incident, I probably wouldn't keep her on to see if she improves, as she doesn't seem to learn from mistakes. I think your only option is to pay her whatever you have to for early termination.

hi,


i absolutely agree with the idea that not seeing a fire hazard is reason to fire her.


however, i have just been through many of the same things you have, and can say, i have terminated my helper. i experienced: she interviewed well, later performance was haphazad, then the blank stare, being passive aggressive about what she chose to hear and "her" kitchen, not doing what i asked her to, blank stare and weird patches where her english seemed to evaporate, strange expenditures after careful and detailed advice to the contrary, and so on.


i fired her last week, and asked her to leave the flat today, as it seemed she was stealing my kitchen things.


i have english friends who have lived in the philippines, and philippino friends. both say, all the maids do this (maids ignore stuff, do their own thing, and, shockingly, steal - please note, it was a philippina friend also a professional here in HK who said that), as the woman of the house, you just have to stay on top of it. both of them are quite aggressive about it.


myself, i am thinking of getting a live-out. anyway, after a two-month period when i gave clear instructions, gave a probation period, wrote things down, etc, it didn't get any better, it got worse! i think there are certain psychological pressures in that job, that can mean, once it goes downhill, the woman is not really making sure to stop it. mine, also was an older woman, so maybe they are less resilient?

i got the same situation like vlr, during the interview my helper seems she is very smart but when she started working for us, I just found out that she is worst than my first helper. And as you said hearing yes and ok all the time from your helper eventhough you think its not OK its quite a frustration.


I tried to talk to my helper many many times, trying to explain to her basic things, and I did explain it like I was talking to a primary student.....but in the end I gave up, not only her being stupid, but basically she is not a good maid at all.


I hope you can find answers to your questions here. This forum is very helpful, I also confide here the time when I can't really decide what to do.

I thnk you should sit her down adn talk to her about all the things that are not adequate. I also find that if i organise a meeting with my husband doing the talking then my helper seems to listen a bit more to me. Its about communication. I would be very strict with the heater and ask her to think about what is in the babies room adn that her no. 1 priority is keeping this baby safe, healthy and clean when he is in her care. She might need to go to one of the courses offered that teach about the care of infants. If she is trustworthy, then i really think this one of the most important things and she is getting it right. I think communication is the key and so is understanding. I think if you explain very clearly what troubles you - and she repeats mistakes - then its more reasonable to consider dismissing her. Best of luck for this tricky issue.

Thanks to everyone for your input. I had always planned on talking to her, but when it comes to common sense, well, it just can't be learned. We'll see how it goes.


Thanks again!


Oh - she's been in Hong Kong for 13 years, so she SHOULD know her way around appliances quite well...