once burned employer..any advice?

Had a bad experience w/ my first DH. As a newbie, I think I was too trusting and lenient (she was a newbie in hk, too so I never thought she'd be lying to me). I am now employing a new helper and I am anxious that the same mistakes I made w/ my previous one would be made. So...


1. any advice on how to delegate tasks? Is it offensive to give her a list of what I want done and how? I've never done this w/ my 1st one (not written but verbal only) as I'm afraid she'd be offended and as a result I was very disstaisfied w/ her work and when I point out things I want cleaned or done differently, she was unhappy and sulked for weeks and each time I have to coax her out of her sulkiness by being extra nice to her. In the end, I tend to just ignore her mistakes rather than endure her moodiness (later on I caught on that she KNOWS this is how I feel and got more aggressive about it). I want to avoid this w/ my new helper.



2. My previous helper would ask to go to town often because of some sort of emergency (need to go to bank, loan shark, send money,etc) and I have always let her go even if I would have to change my schedule to accomodate her. After I fired her, my neighbors' helpers have told me that these trips to town was actually not "emergencies" and was more a shopping trip (for her bf!)sometimes even with them in tow. How to prevent this? DO i just say "no" to any requests, if ever, by my new helper? Would this be reasonable? After all, she will be having a day off every week, right?


3. There are more to it behind my fear of having another helper (too long and more complicated), I just want to hear some assurances from other "once burned" employers that each DH is different (I know it is just as each person is, but it's something psychological, so humor me, please).


4. I know (for a fact)that this new helper is not a fastidous housekeeper. But I trust her with my baby so I chose her. However, how do I make it clear to her (and train her) that I want the house clean and tidy and will not accept anything less w/o offending her?



Thanks

Life is a risk, they can be angels on the first week......... Expect the worse, and hope for the best.

1. Be decisive. Let her know what your expectations are and see how she reacts. It's your home, your rules ( I say this in good faith that you are guided not only by the law but the law of humanity as well)


2. How often is the " always let her go?" Your new helper may have a valid reason and not just excuses like the old one. But ideally, it should not be to the point that you need to change . Unless it's really an emergency. It's difficult to put this in black in white, so again... trust your own judgment.



3. I'm not an employer but a helper myself. however, I 'm in charge over few other helpers and normally is the one who screened applicants... my boss will chose the best two and I get to decide whom to pick ( but I always seek the opinions of the my co-workers too). I always follow my gut feelings and we ended up having at the very least an amicable working relationship. I just try not to paint them with the same brush that was used with someone else.


4. Try to find her "stronger" point to make up for the weaker one. In my case, I ( we all know) that house works is REALLY a WORK for me. Whereas to cook and arrange parties between 2-60 persons is just fun so that's my main job. I love to tinker around too, so I become the accidental techie in the house. You TRUST her with your baby, that's very important. As for to train her... nothing beats than leading by example.



It's really important that you tell her what you expects her to do ( you need to be firm, and she should not be offended unless bad words will be used) and equally important for you to ask her what SHE CAN NOT DO and see if you find that acceptable.


Good luck.

hello elmo's mum


firstly - absolutely, each helper is different. and you have learned some lessons as well. like you, i think i am a much smarter, better employer now than i was with our first helper.



1) a list is not offensive, rather extremely helpful. she can refer back to it when you are not there, and it is something concrete. so if she forgets something, it is there written down. your expectations are clear. so much confusion is cut down that way.


a clean slate is good. you can chat with her right now, while the relationship is new and clearly state that you will not tolerate sulky behaviour and that communication between you two is key. ask her how she will respond if you point out that she has not correctly completed a task. let her know how you would like her to respond, that you desire a positive, peaceful home and a heavy, sad, sulky atmosphere is not good, that issues need to be resolved quickly.


2) our first helper did a lot of both and also had the emergency trips. emergencies do happen, absolutely, but for things like banking, our current helper never has made that request. you can direct deposit your helper's salary which cuts down on banking for her.


3) just like each employer is different, so is each helper. there are many fantastic helpers out there. please do not worry.


4) that's great that you can see the positives in your helper. you might want to clean the sink or whatever yourself, and then tell her this is the standard you expect. take note of the time it took you to get it to that standard and see if it is reasonable, of course.


hope this helps.

abn

Hi all,


thanks for all the advice. The written list was a worry to me because I've heard some people whisper behind other people's back (or even helpers themselves) and say: "she even has a list for her helper!" But given that I know this new helper is not fastidious, I think a list is necessary.


soufflequeen, the couple of months before i fired her, she was having all sorts of emergencies almost every week. I am the type of person who takes what you say at face value so I never said "no" to her emergencies. However, I don't want to be taken advantage of like that again and at the same time I want to retain my trust with my new helper. Btw, we have an atm machine beside our building so her banking was always something that can't be done there.


Thanks again all, I think I was really "traumatized" (for lack of better word) with all those sulking and lying behind my back. I was really miserable for half a year and was not sleeping well because of the stress of facing her every day and wondering if I will be dealing w/ a smiling or sulking helper that day. I think she thought I was stupid because I always believe what she says and that I was afraid of her because I was not confrontational w/ her (she got ALL public holidays off + has been back to her hometown 2x in 1.5 years, I was the cook, I was the primary carer for my child & we have a small flat). The truth is, I should have been firmer and as souffle said, more decisive. In short, I should've shown her who was the boss.

I think it is really hard to “show her who is boss” when you are not used to behaving or talking to someone like that, or it is not in your nature. I also find it uncomfortable to be criticizing someone when I really should be doing the work myself – the old guilt gland kicks in.


So all in all I think when you hire a helper you need to make sure, above all else, you have to make it work for you and your household. My husband repeatedly says to me “she is an employee”, but I am the one who sees her on a daily basis and I cannot be that black and white about it.


I think the list is a great idea so that she can see how you like things done. There are lists on this forum that include such detail as particular scoops of laundry detergent – which if it works and makes you sleep better, I think is perfect.


I personally would also explain the past bad experiences to your new helper and say that you will not be able to accept behavior like that as you were taken advantage of. It also gives her some context of what you might be sensitive too and hopefully, she won’t cross that line again.


Best of luck, Hope it al works out for you.

Dear Elmos Mum,


Here is the list I used for my helper when she joined us. She found it really useful and although we don't follow it that much she said it gave her a good understanding of what was important to me.


I included our daily routine so our helper knew what to expect each day, we also use a calendar in the kitchen so she can see what we have planned in advance.


Daily


Empty Dishwasher

Prepare children’s breakfast

Prepare xxxxx school lunch

Straighten up living room, wipe coffee table

Make beds

Straighten up bathrooms

Laundry (separate dark colours, light colours and whites)

Keep kitchen clean (kitchen bleach can be used on sinks otherwise CIF)

Empty bins in bathrooms and bedrooms

Take out rubbish

Sweep and mop the kitchen floor

Ironing


Monday


Dust all wood furniture with polish (living room/dining room/bedrooms)

Glass doors and TV cleaned with window cleaner

Master bathroom

Vacuum all rooms and hallways (mop)


Tuesday


Clean all bathrooms

Week 1 – clean oven or clean silver

Week 2 – clean balcony, clean filters in A/C units

Week 3 – wash windowsills, doorframes and cupboard doors

Week 4 – empty filters in washing machine/dishwasher. Wash filters in A/C units



Wednesday


Change children’s sheets

Cook prepared meals for the children


Thursday


Wipe all silver frames and silver with silver gloves

Dusting

Scrub kitchen floor with CIF


Friday


Change master bedroom sheets

Vacuum and mop

Check fridge, clean shelves and remove old left overs

Change towels



As needed


Clean sliver frames and silverware with silver polish

Clean BBQ

Clean outdoor furniture

Keep laundry area clean

Clean mats and floor of playroom

Order water

Wipe all placemats and coasters


While family is away


Wash and wax wood floors

Bedding (doona’s, pillows and underlays) dry-cleaned

Sofa covers to drycleaner

Playroom sofa covers to be washed

Sort toys and clean

Empty kitchen and bathroom cabinets and drawers, wipe and clean, re-line

Clean wood blinds


Notes:


Always ask if unsure what products to use for cleaning

Feel free to have the children help in keeping their own rooms tidy, to help take washing to the laundry, cooking or simple chores.

Never use any bleach other than in the kitchen – I do not use it on clothing only napisan and am more then happy to show you how I deal with whites and stains

You do not have to clean the outsides of the windows, except the balcony doors.

I do not tumble dry any of my own clothes or xxxxxxx work shirts.

Bra’s and delicates are to be washed in a “wash bag”


Children’s Routine


Milk on waking – 7am

Breakfast

Lunch 12pm

Dinner 5.30pm

Bath 6pm

Milk after 6pm

Bedtime starts at 7pm (xxxxx in bed by 7.30 latest)


Snack times need to be watched so as not to interfere with main meals










Windows must be kept locked (and locks checked regularly). The balcony must be locked and the balcony can only be used with the children under constant supervision – NOT EVEN TO ANSWER THE PHONE!


The children respond well to time warnings to get them moving, e.g. 5 minutes until we leave for…., 2 minutes etc.


General time outs work well with the children being sent to their rooms for poor behaviour, they may return once they are prepared to come back with acceptable behaviour.


Meals and snacks should be eaten in the kitchen.


TV needs to be limited as much as possible. No TV in the mornings before school.


This is simply a guide and has not been used before; we can adjust it as we go along.

Hi Elmo's Mom,


I sent you a private message.


Thank you very much!!!