DH bored - CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions needed please!

Firstly, this is probably going to be a long-winded posting, for which I apologise. Basically, our helper has been with us for almost a year. She is quite good at her job, I have no real complaints. I had noticed that she'd been a bit miserable recently, and assumed that it may have had something to do with the death of her mother or the fact that one of her children had been ill. I have a reasonably good level of communication with her, so asked her this morning if everything was OK, or whether there was anything that I could do.


To cut a long story short, she told me that she was bored. She said that because I do some of the cooking and housework and virtually all of the childcare, she is struggling to fill her days. Apparently this has been a problem since day one. She was not aggressive about it and accepted that I had been very clear about the job description before she signed the contract, but she thought that the job would evolve into more. She agreed that my husband and I were crystal clear that her role would be primarily as a housekeeper and that she would seldom babysit the children while they were awake. She said, however, that her previous two employers had said the same when they hired her, but that things changed very quickly. She thought that since we were relatively new to HK at the time, that I would soon take up tennis etc., and that she would have a greater role in the children's lives (which is what happened with her 2 other employers).


One thing that I must confess to 'mis-selling' as far as the job was concerned was travel. When we moved here, our friends who told wonderful stories about their incredible helpers made it sound as if we were winning the lottery by getting to employ one of these women. They raved about the joys of bring their DHs on holiday and how 'invisible' they were. I imagined being able to go out for dinner with my husband (something we do very little of in HK because of his travel), an extra pair of eye around the pool etc. In reality, I have not adjusted to having FT help in the way that I expected and/or I have not been as good at managing the situation as my friends. I LOVE Sundays, bank holidays and so on, when she is off, so I could not bear to bring her away with us. Unfortunately, I had not come to that realisation when we were interviewing, so we asked whether she'd be keen to travel with us. The answer was a firm 'YES'. To put it mildly, we've not delivered on that. We have booked her flights home when we've taken longer trips, but that's hardly the international experience she'd expected.


I asked her what she wanted to do, or whether she had any suggestions to improve the situation. She said that she would like to take an active role in the new baby's upbringing (due soon). While trying not to sound dismissive, I made it clear that that would not happen. I know what I was like with my other two children; my poor husband had to fight for a role in their care, so I know that there is NO WAY that I will be comfortable with our helper taking over.


I said that I could try to step back from some of the cooking etc. (it seems she never feels that she has the kitchen to herself), but that I need the children to maintain some sense of reality. I cannot expect them to tidy their toys/rooms and so on if they never see me do anything around the house. I tried to be positive, saying that by taking on so much of the housework, errands etc., she is freeing my husband and I up to spend quality time with the children, and that is a major contribution to their upbringing.


So, I asked her straight out if she wanted to find another job, perhaps in a house where they had a 'housekeeper' and a 'nanny'. She was adamant that she was happy working for us and did not want to move elsewhere. She added that she had a perfect record with Immigration and did not want a blemish on it. I asked if it would help if she and I came up with more of a structure to her day, so that she could have blocks of time off to spend with her friends, engage in a hobby or whatever (as suggested by another poster on a different thread). She said that her friends work a minimum of 6 days a week from 6am to 10pm and that they would not have time to socialise outside of Sundays. She added that the more time that she had off, the more money she would spend and that would defeat the point of being away from her family to save. Both seemed like fair arguments, although I was pretty shocked by how hard her friends had to work.


So, that leaves me with the question of how to move forward. I am not prepared to budge on the childcare issue. I can totally understand how playing with a baby beats washing the floors, but I gave up a job that I loved to look after our children and I'm not going to use them as a negotiating tool with our helper. I could obviously do a little less cooking/housework, if she is prepared to listen to how I really like things to be done, but I'm not sure how much stimulation that will add to her day.


Of course the 'nuclear option' would be to terminate her and employ a part-time cleaner and use Rent-a-Mum or similar for babysitting. To be honest, this would be the best solution by far for me. It's not exactly fair on her though. She has not taken the opportunity to quit, she claims to be happy with the conditions, I committed to employing her for at least 2 years and she does a decent job. She's not perfect, but I pay her under HK$5k, I cannot expect a gourmet chef or professional housekeeper.


The only other ideas I've had were (i) to turn a 'blind eye' to her doing PT work for someone else, if she wants. However, I'm uncomfortable with the illegality of this, not just the risk of being caught, but the fact that I think it is unfair on local women who need PT work. (ii) I could book her on courses at te YWCA or somewhere. There is a limit to how much time this will fill though.


She's a bright girl, so I totally understand the problem. She's not been moaning, we have always encouraged her to speak to us if she has any issues, and I did ask her directly what was wrong. I want to make this work, but not at any cost.


So, ideas please?

There's also souffle queen's writers guild which wouldn't cost you anything and will give her something to do at home during her down time.


Also, you might want to revisit the "blind eye" option. You should let her know the consequences for getting caught working illegally (dealt with else where on this forum) and let her decide. I wouldn't worry too much about putting local helpers out of work - have you ever tried to employ a legal part-time cleaner?- scarcer than hens' teeth in my experience.


At one stage, when i had two helpers with not enough to do (disastrous domestic situation!) i taught them both how to bake and instituted "baking weds" - an afternoon when they would experiment with cakes and cookies (often with the children participating as well - total chaos!). They liked it, i think, because they hadn't baked before and it added to their skills for subsequent jobs.


Finally, although this would involve a significant family commitment, not just a wish to keep your helper busy, but, if you were thinking about it anyway, getting a dog would give her more to do.


we find that, even with one of the family walking the dog most days, our dog is like a 4th (very demanding!) child - but one we don't mind sharing with the helper. It is a huge commitment though and not to be recommended just for the sake of keeping your helper busy.


one of our helper's best qualities is the way she treats our dog - which kind of makes up to her for her limited (but valuable) interaction with the children. he adores her and she feels truely loved!


You might also find that, after the arrival of your third child, you delegate more tasks to your helper, so i'd wait until then, when you have established routines, before letting her go - if that's how you decide to proceed.


Good luck!

Patchwork or Crochet are easy & affordable. You can ask her whether she is interested in the above.


When she has free time/time off, she can go to her room to work on a patchwork/crochet project, so that needles/scissors are not within the reach of yr small children.

Hand sew, if you do not own a sewing mch. Example: She can start on a single blanket/bedspread for charity, yr family or herself.

As for crochet, she can pick up the basic stitches from a book to follow an illustrated pattern for a tablecloth etc.

This will take many mths(maybe 1 yr) to finish off.

Thank you all! Over breakfast this morning, we ran through some options. She's keen on the cooking courses, and they would benefit us too, so we are both going through the YWCA catalogue to find some suitable options. I've also suggested sewing and other crafts (partly for selfish reasons - I stink at repairs). I'd happily buy her a sewing macine for her birthday.


I suggested that she might consider volunteering for a charity, eg a helper's charity. I think she'd be really good at that and it would give her the intellectual stimulation that she is lacking. She's going to look into that. I have also suggested that she contacts SouffleQueen, which she's thinking about too.


Although the dog idea would solve a lot of problems, three of us are allergic to animal hair, so unfortunately that's not going to work.


I also thought that my trips to the supermarket take a fair bit of time, and I don't have to be the one to go every single time. She was quite excited about going to Great. Although it's a maximum of once a week, it would get her into Central.


Thanks again!

This is a very positive thread.


It is very refreshing to read.


Boredom is very difficult to deal with, if you do not have friends who can take the same time off as one's self.

HK1


I also have a helper but do childcare and other tasks myself. My helper is just that a helper someone to lend a hand and babysit the kids once they are in bed so we can take walks or go for dinner sometimes.

Mrsl, is this same helper who does not say "thank you"? She really seems to be lucky to be employed by you as you go out of your way to make sure she is happy. I hope that she would adapt the " be happy with what you have" thinking soon.


With not much to do, I could understand where boredom came from, or grief from such loss but then we always have choices whether to be sucked up by it or not. Last October a friend of 14 years who was like a mom and mentor passed away, literally in our arms ( our- tv and magazine staffs during our party) it was very traumatic for me, less than 4 months later my dad passed away too. To go home for a funeral of a love one has always been something I always prayed not to experience, but I guess 15 years of overseas work could not spare many of us from it. I did have time where I was slowly sucked up by depression although my work kept me busy and I have a very good support system from friends and my employer ( and even her friends who knew, I just chose not for it to be known for I don't always want to go back there, so to speak)from strangers turned friend I talked to online. So that was when I decided to sacrifice my very much loved privacy and worked on a foundation and The Writers' Guild. It is a lot of work especially now that we just started and at times I have to be up by 2:30 am to be on a conference call as I am not in HK right now .


I would love to be of help, though meeting her is not possible until late August. If she is interested to know I could email you some info's ( or if she has an email add or account here I could do that too) WE are in NEED of volunteers who could help facilitate our free workshops but the more pressing need is for someone to help us with information dissemination, thus someone who have time to take calls and relay info on our behalf and who could call up friends who may have friends and themselves would like to explore their creative and artistic side during their holidays.


Good luck and happy to read your last post that you talked things out.

HK1, I don't do most of the work, I do some of it. I don't count childcare as work, given that I'm their mother. I do odd bits around the house, partly because I like the bed to be made in a certain way, partly because i do not want my children to grow up thinking that we don't do anything for ourselves. There are lots of things that I don't do - ironing, cleaning bathrooms etc. As Moppet said, she's a 'helper'.


SouffleQueen, yes, same lady. I'm going to leave the ball in her court, hopefully she'll catch up with you after the summer and you can both benefit. Thanks again!

I also refrained from asking our helper to do small tasks like running errands as it seemed so much more efficient for me to go to the post office when I was out in the car and I do nearly all the childcare. Then I realised I was basically preventing her from getting out for six days at a time. She loves a challenge so even though it seem inefficient she will go off to have keys cut, search out ballet stockings, post packages, pay a bill for me or pick up small items that we could possibly do without at the grocery store. It gets her out for walk and perhaps bumping into some other helpers in the building as I also take the kids to and from school so there is no congregating for a quick chat at the bus stop either. Pehaps suggest she schedules in a walk for good health in any case. When bubby number three turns up why not get her to do a little more cooking and perhaps find some meals that can be frozen so she can prepare a favourite family meal for sunday night supper - it is one of the things we value most after a big day out knowing we can sit down to a quick nutritious family meal together and then watch a family video together. Are there any other tasks that you would appreciate having done? Boxes for toys repaired, labels made for boxes of toys on the computer if she can learn how to use it. My sons just taught our helper how to do email and they practice between the two computers in the house!! Gave the kids a buzz to show her as well. Learning to bake really well, or prepare home made baby foods could also be a nice challenge and great for the kids. If you are feeding your baby you may be quite tied up for more hours.

Thanks guys. Had a lovely day - avoided the Post Office and supermarket. Must say though that my helper looked at me as if I had 2 heads when I suggested that she take a walk or just sit outside and have a coffee and take in the view. I looked out the window and it was raining cats and dogs! She must have thought I was either cruel or mad.


She's booked a few courses at the Y, and her friends are very jealous, saying that they are great fun and that she'll meet lots of new people.


Now about to see how she can help me get the baby stuff prepared. The poor girl is going to really wish that she was bored again.