Asking Too Much?

Hello! Need some unbiased opinions here, as I'm in a bit of a dilemma as to what to do. This is a long thread so apologies.


We've had our new helper for a few months now. She is responsible for the general tasks around the house such as cooking, cleaning, marketing but we've stressed to her from the very beginning, our priority is our little toddler. She's experienced in looking after the house, but I'm having doubts on how good she is with children at toddler-age. Also, as she is experienced, I've just had my first taste of her attitude when I correct her on certain things.


Had a few discussions with her on how she interacts with my little one. She can be so quiet and they play in near-silence. Hate to compare, but my previous helper was so lively and good with my little one - she'd read to her, play and talk and sing with her. It feels like a bit effort for the new helper and maybe I'm wrong, she doesn't seem to be interested in stimulating my little one's mind.


I'm planning to go back to work eventually, but am feeling so weird about this new helper, that I don't know what to do. Is this a case of cabin fever or is my gut feeling about her correct?


I'm kinda pulling back from looking after my little one just so that they can bond. But I just don't feel much enthusiasm with the new helper. She's kinda cool. Sometimes she's quite warm but mostly quite quiet and cool.


Question: Am I asking too much from a helper? I can honestly compromise on the housework, if it means that my little one is having fun at home. Hope some mothers understand my predicament. It's not all about how clean my toilets are.

As a working mum, I totally understand. Your toddler is her first priority and if you feel that she can't do a good job with your toddler then, she has failed her first crucial responsibility as a DH in your household. I have the same expectations and the housework is not the first priority. Saturday is house cleaning day. On that day, she is expected to thoroughly clean our home. All other days, it's just basic maintenance work.

However, based on what you've described, I think she's not NOT doing her job but not doing it the way you want her to. I would suggest telling her exactly how she should be caring for your child if she is not familiar with taking care of toddlers. Show her how you play with your child and perhaps have sessions where you do it together. If she doesn't get the hang of it, i'd say give her a couple of weeks, then find someone else as when you are working, you don't want to be plague with this problem. So, NO, you are not asking for too much.

Thanks for the responses. Believe me, I've tried to show her. I read, play, dance with my little one in front of her in the hope that I can lead by example. I have encouraged her to sit with me when playing, instead of leaving the room to do her cleaning. It's just a feeling that I'm getting - she's a bit hot and cold. Everyone has their bad days, I know, but it's a bit difficult to judge whether she's suitable for the job, as she can differ from day to day.

Had a nanny who seems very similar in character to your current helper. I dont think she was cold but it was just her nature to be more of an introvert rather than an extrovert. She was good in doing all the other household things and totally trustworthy but her relationship with my daughter was more like "employee-employer" rather than friend or surrogate mother. Didnt really mind it since I was stay-at-home mom. So in the end its really up to you if you feel comfortable that she is by nature very reserved and quiet.

I think she likes kids... maybe just not my one. Half-joking there. It's just her character.


I think ocmommy has hit the nail on the head. She is an introvert and quiet, but it comes across as cool if I had to look at things on a very superficial level.


I'm looking to go back to work, so really need someone more outgoing. I have already included her in playgroups and summer courses, so that she can learn from teachers and learn storytelling skills, songs etc. I've seen a little bit of a change, but just feel its a real big effort for her to keep it up. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting teacher/mother quality guidance. Just a little bit of energy and spark. Spontaneity and giggles in my house are most welcome.


I guess it's something that I didn't pick up in the interview. It's just like the office. I can't expect a shy, introvert person to willingly go out and be a door-to-door salesperson.

I am also working FT.. my helper is pretty quiet (and when she 1st started, VERY quiet)around the kids if I am there, but I have heard here when I am in the other room or when I am coming through the door and she is very open and animated w/the kids. I think she's just shy, give her time.. joke with her, find a time every day to ask abt the kids (for us, its bathtime.. I bathe the kids but she is around prepping bottles, laying out PJs, etc) - that helped to open her up a bit and now she is not so reserved w/the kids if I am there

Hi there, same problem. My child is almost three and there wasn't a whole lot of interaction going on there and I could see my child getting bored and also becoming clingy when I was around (I also work full time). So, off she went to playgroup instead and is now 5 mornings a week. I know it's a cop out (I laid out I needed a nanny more than a cleaner at the start) but you know, people gravitate to what is comfortable. It costs me more, but child is very confident, sociable and her speech is excellent. The DH is good in lots of other ways and actually she and my child have a good relationship, just not lots of fun and creative stimulation when they are unfortunately (though I think I have high expectations anyway!!).

Our maid was super quiet and shy.

She then told me that the hardest part of working for me was getting used to talking more to the toddler as in her last job she had to be quiet.


I set up a schedule, tried to teach by example, everything to no avail...


Well... I hired a 'nanny consultant' who did about 6 sessions with my maid and son, and WOW WHAT A DIFFERENCE! She is great now, she knows more games to play, is much more talkative, willing to read, etc...


I also sent her on a few YWCA courses, cooking actually, but that helped build her confidence and open her up too.


She is still quiet around me, but I have gotten used to that.

I used to look after kids too, aged 10 months to 8 years.


This thread made me realise that:


1. I never sung to them


2. I never danced with them or in front of them.


Do I feel bad now? Absolutely not. I cannot carry a tune nor could I dance ( then) and I believe those were their ( or part of their) formative years and I do not want them to get a " wrong education". I certainly do not want them to think that all songs sounds like nursery rhymes :).


But we never had dull moments.


I would play kiddie songs for them, sat with them during their telly times. Read them stories even when they were too young to understand, we made up stories, painted, and played out door as much as possible. And yes, we did this in MY quiet and reserve ways because I may be confident to speak on stage or even live in front of a camera, the fact is I shied away ( still do when there are babies/kids around )during play time with my wards ESPECIALLY when the employers were around. However, I am proud to say that our quiet play time somehow molded my wards into soft spoken , polite yet confident and warm children/teens ( been here for 15 years and my first "baby" was 4 and we are still in touch). And they all could sing!


My bottom line is, there are many more ways to stimulate chidrens' mind nowadays, so I hope her job is not at stake just because of this. And perhaps she is more "loose"/goofy without you around.