2 domestic helpers refuse to get along

THis is really long but I am really hoping someone can help or tell me there can be a happy ending..

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my husband and I both wok FT, long hours. Kids are just 2, 9 mos, and expecting in Feb. WE have 2 DHs, one of whom has been with us 3 years, the other 1 year. The 1st 'G' chose the 2nd 'R' when we decided to hire a 2nd, before 2nd child was due. She was given wide latitude (ie bring someone from Phils & train, family member, etc) to find te right fit but didn't seem to take it very seriously. But she was excited to choose R. and it wa smade clear that G was the more senior an in charge. Now, 1 year later G&R do not speak to eachother unless they absolutely must, which is not tolerable since boys so close in age and, in time, playmates. .. when I make them go to playdates/ocean park together, they pretty much ignore eachother. R simply does 't speak to G and from what I've witnessed, when G speaks to R it's a short, irritated tone. We've been aware of it for months and spoken to them both individually but both assured us it was fine. As the kids get older, its not fine at all with us. With baby #3 coming, we need this fixed or start afresh. WE don't want to fire either of them, we care abt both and want to give them a chance to shape up. We spoke to each individually last night.. gave concrete examples of how we KNOW they are not communicating (they each ask me the same thing by text during the day, do not share info) but also said the bigger problem is just the unhappy environment for our kids.


when confronted, R cried and said G bullies her, won't do any housework at all, won't play with the kids and ignores our instructions and tells ruth to ignore our instructions and do what SHE says, not what we've said. She completely played victim. She did think, however that the situation could be fixed but of course entirely dependent on G b/c none of this was her fault at all


G acted surprised that we thought there was a problem, said it was all fine, they just did their jobs separately, that they both did housework, that they were fine together with the boys and that any extra work for me from lack of communication was R's fault, and that didn't listen to instructions, pouted and sulked when told what to do and obviously resented being #2, esp when she had kids of her own - G does not


G has more street smarts but also more attitude and may well be bullying or at the very least decided they are not to be friends. She also babies the 2 yo more (they both have this problem). I trust her common sense and judgement more but also know that she will continue to ignore my wishes and take the easy way out (ie feeding him, responding to whining) - she's a bad cook but very tech savvy.. she is very social, has lots of friends.. She said they could wipe the slate clean and start afresh with a happier relationship. Keep in mind both these talks were separate


R is the less worldly one and has less common sense.. .. big blunder last week in guessing baby's Tylenol dosage b/c she couldn't read the label - said her glasses not strong enough - didn't check with me. Less outright attitude but definitely passive/aggressive and pouty/sulky and always trying to tell on G or paint G in a bad light without appearing to outright do so (I have twice told her to knock this off but she still does) .. she is the sweeter and dumber of the two, a great cook, and I think the harder worker.. she is better at following instructions. As far as I know she has no friends.. the only playdates the baby has (only 8 mos) are the helper playgroup the moms arranged and when she is forced to tag along with G, when she then sits in a corner and won't put the baby down.


So, tonight we're telling them they have X weeks to show us they can start afresh and work this out to our satisfaction, or the BOTH go.. we do not want to create a war. What would you guys do? Fire one and keep the other? Which one? Fire both? Have you guys ever seen this work out happily or do I need to get tough and sack them both...

Definitely you cannot keep both. But I think for both girls whichever remaining one you will keep will always have a hard time getting along with the new hire. Its a perpetual headache because it is in their character to be the way you describe them. So just try to imagine either with a new hire... one would tend to boss the other around whilst the other will have that annoying tattletale habit. So it will be back to the same situation that you tried to get out off.

I'm slowly coming to that very sad conclusion.. I don't want to let them go but my kids are suffering for it and its only going to get worse when #3 comes along

Without trying to be pedantic, you have gone to great lengths in attempting to preserve the identities of your helpers by referring to them as 'G' and 'R' but unfortunately in your third paragraph we find out that 'R' is in fact Ruth. I'm only guessing now but does 'G' stand for Grumpy ?

damn, I copied this from an email I sent to a few freinds that knew the situation. I meant to edit it thoroughly but obviously missed. Aside from the fact that I will never make a living as an editor, and ideas on how to resolve this?

As you have tried talking to them individually and you are coming to the conclusion that either one or both may have to go, then I would say that you have little to loose by sitting them both down and discussing the problems. Let them know that this is their last chance.

I would start afresh with perhaps two sisters who have worked together before and know the drill. They may fight like cat and dog at times but at the end of the day the family bond is still intact.

I agree with scottsue - go for relatives where there is some common bond and loyalty to each other. I know of a family who employ sister-in-laws and one is seen as 'boss' to the other but it works well. You need to resolve this way before you have no. 3 and feel really comfortable about leaving three small children whilst you are at work. So many people I know who employ 2+ helpers have the same problems so you are not alone. Good luck.

You've given G too much leverage in the hiring hence, it's easy to see why she would be able to bully R. It's hard to see them co-operate after giving each other so much grief. Hire 2 NEW domestic helpers. Break the chores up fairly perhaps on a rotational weekly/fortnightly basis so that it's fair. Two new people will be trying to accommodate and do a decent job for you. So perhaps it could better for you.

just curious, off topic, do R and G share the same room or have separate quarters?

separate quarters.. common living room and bathroom but 2 (small) bedrooms. each has also a TV and broadband TV.. we wanted each to have some private space to relax in.. we both know how hard it is to share a job/space, especially after each coming from a sole DH background. They both insisted they would be fine working together. We gave them the ultimatum together last night. 2 weeks and then they both go if no change. I am not hopeful.

I actually interviewed a DH who is leaving her employer because she could not get along with the other two helpers. Ironically though, she was the one who recruited the other two. One being the best friend of her sister, and the other being her very own sister-in-law. Both have turned against her because (Im assuming from the way she related to me) she was very bossy. Her employer gave her the mandate to train and supervise the other two. So sad to say, there is a chance that family also does not reassure a peaceful working relationship amongst helpers. Best solutioin, maybe, judge new hires based on character.

From what you hae explained it doesn't sound like you could do anything more. I think making it a joint responsibility to demonstrate an improvement or showing them both the door is the way to go. It doesn't sound like keeping either one on their own becasue you will be facing the same problems again no matter which one stays.

From what you hae explained it doesn't sound like you could do anything more. I think making it a joint responsibility to demonstrate an improvement or showing them both the door is the way to go. It doesn't sound like keeping either one on their own becasue you will be facing the same problems again no matter which one stays.

I would send both of them on their way.