Privacy Issues

Hi!


We're relatively new to Hong Kong and have a few helpers due to our large family.


We started very well with our main helper, and I am very friendly and laid back. However, now I feel like I have no privacy in our flat as the helpers are always around as they feel they need to constantly be with the kids, no matter how many times I say they don't need to be molly coddled. To the extent that one of our helpers chased our toddler to retrieve him from our bedroom and walked in on my husband having a shower.

Also, I've always left mail on the dining room table in the past, but now I feel as though if I don't put things straight away they will be 'looked' at if I'm not in the room.

I'd love some tips on how other people maintain boundaries.


Thanks!

Must be terrible for you, what do you do with yourself all day except chastise the staff for doing their job? Just how big is your family?


If you want boundaries - then lay them down yourself.

tommyknocker, did your mother not teach you if you don't have anything positive to say, then don't say anything at all??? I feel sorry for you that you have time to sit around writing negative comments on a web site.


FYI I have never chastised my staff, I was seeking some constructive advice to make all of our lives easier. i have never had live in staff before.


i suggest you go and get yourself a life!!!!

thanks cara, what to eat and wear - wow, thats tough!!! some written guidelines sounds like a good idea though. as at the moment we all have a different way of doing things.

My experienced taught me that the way children were raised or have to be looked after differs that from Asian and Western. In Asia, we tend to keep on eye to the children ALL the time, and are expected to do so. It take a super time management to to all other chores on top of child- minding. With Western people ( again, in general) children were taught to be independent from early age. They sat on their high -chair or children's chair when being fed while it is a common thing to run after some Asian children to feed them. They probably have the same experiences and like me would feel "negligent" . As for one of them walking in the bedroom while the kid was under her care, as a helper myself I could say that she worries that something might happen to the kid--slide on the floor, climb on the couch, bed and fell down all kind of accidents that may happen so I reckon she was just doing her job. Even if they are told they are not allowed to go in the master's bedroom that rule will be ignored when a helpers worries about the welfare of a child.


It is really difficult for us to know when we are supposed to "relax" and when to be vigilant. We tend to be more focus in what we do with the boss's around for fear of being thought of as lazy.


If you want boundaries.. as the lady of the house it is your responsibility to lay them down--- make it clear that they do not have to be around at all time whenever you or someone else are with the children and that you will call them when you need them, not before.


As for the mails... you said you just felt. Do what makes you more comfortable, but mind you if a helper really would want to be nosy, it is not difficult to be unless every thing's locked up. What I am trying to say is that, learn to be more trusting.


Most helpers know what discretion is, and would appreciate to have their mails left un-read by anyone else and most imitate/learn from their employers . Like with us, our boss would never read our mails and will give it to us in case we overlooked and gave it to her after sorting.

thanks jwm - the other thread was really useful and soufflequeen your advice on the difference with how children are raised is brilliant! i guess i don't realise what our helpers other families have been like so we may seem strange.


have you considered running courses for new expats on cultural issues with helpers (like diff ways of raising kids in Asia and the west)? i've seen courses for helpers understanding their employers (which may be useful but seems backwards to me). i'd love to see a course like that at somewhere like the ywca it might save a lot of posts on here!

i think that having a set of rules can make management easier when you have more than one helper (can help with one helper as well) but, if the issue is privacy, the fact your employee(s) lives with you means that you do have less privacy - whether it's one helper or 6.


To a certain extent this means you have to adjust your own behaviour (eg clear mail away if this bothers you, lock bathroom doors while showering, make sure you're clothed outside your bedroom) to meet your own comfort level and that of your helper(s). You also have to accept that they are going to know way more about you than is comfortable (when you menstruate, have sex, have a fight with your husband). It doesn't bear thinking about!


So you need to adjust your expectations - you need to accept that you do have less privacy. The question is what can you live with and this is different in each case.


Once you are out-numbered (be it by kids or helpers) the loss of privacy is obviously greater. One thing you could try is to really assess your labour needs - do you need that many helpers? If there isn't enough work for them to all feel productive you can get over-servicing (eg chasing after children, constant cleaning) and therefore a continual presence in your space.


i had 2 helpers for a number of years when my children were younger and, for one 6 month period had three helpers. This worked very well, particularly when there were 3 children under the age of 3 - I had no privacy but that was the least of my worries!


However, as the children got older and more independent we didn't really need 2 helpers and things began to break down. Small jobs became big jobs, one helper or the other would feel that she was carrying the greater load, there was more time for everyone to feel hard done by and everything was done less efficiently. It didn't occur to me until we scaled back to one helper (with occasional part-time help) that the problem was due to the fact that there wasn't enough work for both of them.


So my other advice is to assess your needs - if you can do with one less person the house will be less peopled, you should feel that you have more space and the work may get done just as (or, as in my case, even more) efficiently.


Good luck - I hope it works out for you.