Help please!!!

my helper wakes up before my kid goes to school, and she goes to her room after we eat dinner which around 9:30PM, and I am left taking care of the kids and bring them to bed which is fine for me since the hard work is already done, but that also depends on the situation at home( when I am sick she have to take care of the kids until they goes to bed).


I don't think its mean or unrealistic to let her work more than 8 hours/day, after all you hired a helper bacause you need her at times when a lot of works have to be done. You can give her a lunch break if you feel like she needs it, like an hour or so everyday, and you can let her go out the night before her day off. I think thats a good deal.

Sack her! From what you have said, you are resentful that she doesn't do the job you need her to do and she resents having to do more than she wants to.


It will only end in tears (both of yours!) unhappily later on if it continues like this - and it appears unilkely to change to your mutual satisfaction.


You say she is pleasant so I'd sit her down and tell her that it isn't working for you and that you need someone who can help you at either end of the day. Suggest that she look for another employer while you look for another helper. Reassure her that you will keep her on contract for as long as you can (there will be some logistics about this due to dept imm requirements about consent from helpers sharing rooms) to minimise the risk of her being left jobless.


I have a friend who had a similar situation to yours who did exactly that and things worked out so amicably that the old helper used to fill in (illegal, I know) when the new helper went on holidays.


With the new helper, try to find someone younger who has not been in HK as long (I find 4 to 6 years the optimum time). At the interview, be clear about the hours you expect her to work so there are no surprises later on.


Another thing to keep in mind while interviewing is that many Filipina helpers in their mid-40s are grandmothers, often several times over, and, while some remain excellent with children, others are completely "over" looking after other people's children. I've found that many helpers with 10 years or more experience, especially if this involved looking after children, are burnt out and/or ready to enjoy the fruits of their (very hard) labour.

maybe decide which is the most important morning or evening and ask her to be around for one of them, i don't want to sound harsh but the truth is our helpers are just that helpers an extra pair of hands but as parents we should also be able to take care of our kids ourselves when we are home like making breakfast or getting kids ready for bed. Expecting helpers to work from 6.30 until 10.00 at night is un fair even with a little time off in the day as there is no consideration that they are entitled to a life outside of being a DH. These girls can not be anything but tired and resentful towards people who place such demands on them even if they are not brave enough to voice it. It's always a good rule of thumb to think about how you would feel about doing such long hours and having no time outside of work and sleep and you will be able to judge what is fair. They are not robots nor should there whole lives revolve around us and our family.

my own feelings are that 10 hours a day is a good work day and more than value for money based on what normal childcare costs plus cleaning etc etc would be.

I wouldn't want my helper being to tired as i know she wouldn't be able to do her job properly just as i wouldn't if i was always tired.

Good luck and I'm sure there is a compromise there somewhere if you talk to your helper

i think a compromise is definitely the way to go. we are all up at 6:30, our helper doesn't need to get ready for the day - i am in my pj's and she can be too. she makes breakfast and the school lunch while i worry about school bags and getting everyone dressed. at 7am, once my husband and daughter are out the door, our helper can relax, take a shower and have breakfast and can take as many breaks as she likes during the day as long as what needs to be done gets done. our helper might be working at 6:30 til 7:30pm, but its very rare that she actually works more than 9 hours during that period. and she very rarely works saturdays so she's quite happy to do extra when we need her to. so, after all that, work out a compromise. if she won't then i think it has to come back to employer/employee relationships - if she can't do the job you need, then the job isn't right for her.

according to your story, I personally think that your helper is taking advantage of you because you are a very kind and generous employer, I always tell my friends to be nice to their helpers (like no yelling, don't treat them like slaves) but don't be friendly and fell pity for them, after all they signed a contract that they know they have to work at time when you need them. Besides cleaning a house don't take the whole day, I am sure she don't have to cook lunch as well because the kids are at school (unless on saturdays), so she can get a slow down during the middle of the day. Most the times in Hong Kong, the busy hours are morning times and night time, thats the also the time when you need a helper.....if you don't why hire one?

!@#, I think that what you need is someone whose expectations of the job match your own. That person could be old, young, married or single - the important thing is that you agree on what is expected. That doesn't appear to be the case here as your helper doesn't want to help in the mornings.


From what you have said, I don't see how a compromise could be reached. Maybe you could adjust your expectations, as Moppet proposes, but that's not a compromise on her part - it is you coming to the decision that, for the benefit of having someone who is good with your kids, you will do the extra work that you really expect her to do. Only proceed on this basis if you do not resent doing "her" work as it cannot end well.


Yes, a younger FDH could become pregnant and/or get marrried. That is what younger women tend to want to do. However, there are potential issues with any age group - older women tend to have more health problems which could also leave you without a helper.


In the 10 or so years, i have had FDHs none of my helpers have become pregnant (not even those who were trying!). If you want to minimise the risk of pregnancy, I'd suggest looking for married helpers with young children - women who have already had their families and are in HK to secure the future of those children.


Finally, if I were you, I would not choose mornings over evenings if I wanted help at both ends of the day. It seems to me that the benefit for the inconvenience of having your employee live-in, is that you get help at inconvenient times. From what you have said about your helper's work load it doesn't seem to be overly onerous. I would resent my helepr having breakfast while I am running around getting everything done....

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. The whole point of having a helper is to make your life easier, and if you feel you require more help in the morning and evenings then so be it.

write her a timetable i.e work 6.30 to 8, and what is needed in that time.

breakfast 8 till 9. She can take her shower in this time. Maybe give her a longer lunch break, perhaps 12.30 - 1.30, then a tea break 5.30 - 6.30 or while your eating your dinner, and then she works till the kids go to bed.

Just beacuse she starts at 6.30 doesn't mean she'll be working 12 hours or more.

I really find it incredible that people think it's OK to have a helper working from 6.00 in the morning till 10.00 at night or later and that giving them an odd hour here and there is compensation. How would you people feel if your boss or your partners boss came up with the same solution for getting everything done and picked any hours that suited them in any 24 hour period for you too work.

Surely to God we are all able to put our own kids to bed or give them breakfast without the need for a helper. I have to wonder how we all got on before life in HK.

Having a helping hand is wonderful but to expect others to work all hours to suit us is just unfair unless you work weird hours or have special needs in which case you should make your situation very clear to the helper before hiring them and perhaps a better than average salary should be offered to acknowledge there hard work and sacrifice.

I don't blame helpers for being resentful of employers who expect too much from them especially when often these same people are paying minimum wage.

After reading this thread, I have mixed feelings and would love to share my experience to all. We had a very good Phil helper six years ago when my eldest son was born. She is very kind and helpful, we get along very well, she is like our family. However, we had to let her go when we moved back to our home country.


We moved back to Hong Kong few years back and needed a helper when I found out I was pregnant again last year. So we did, hired an indonesian helper. She came sept 07 (My bb was born in nov last year), we thought just on time so that we can train her up and prepare for the bb when he was born. So, she wakes up at 7 in the morning to prepare lunch box for my son. Since she doesn't know how to cook, me or my husband will prepare the lunch box and she will just stood aside and learn. After sending my son to take the school bus, she will follow me to the market etc etc.... basically everything has to teach from scratch. She doesn't even know how to on the stove. So I pay my part time helper to come twice a week to teach her. I let her sleep after my son had gone to bed, which was around 8. Instead i will take care of my husband's dinner and clean up everything, I never leave any dishes for her to clean the next day. She has a lot of free time during the day as my son will only come back at 3pm from school everyday.


We treated her as our own daughter (she is only 19), too bad we had to break the contract with her 2 weeks later. We applied a phone line for her, paying $80 per month for her package, made clear to her that anything over that amount she will have to pay. 10 days later we had to disconnect the line as we found out her bill was more than $150, she was sending msgs to her friends and chatted with them. Her hand phone was always kept in her pocket even when she was sleeping. There are many other issues happening within that 2 weeks she was here.


We sent her back to the agent, she cried and we felt really sorry, worrying about the environment at the boarding house (she told us the place was very crowded and not much to eat), so we gave her $200 before sending her back to the agent.


2 days later, my part time helper showed me the msgs she had sent to her. She was telling my part time helper that we didn't treat her well, and that she has to wake up at 7am and just stood there to learn. Complaining not much to do, very boring and also about me didn't get her the phone card earlier (I bought for her on the 3rd day she was here).... what can I say??? I can only say that it is my luck.... we can get along well with all other helpers (both full time and part time) whom had worked for us before and she was the first one we got rid of. It was a painful decision because we never did that before. I treated them like my family and always help out when ever I can.


After that experience, I have decided not to have a full time helper, just stick to my part time helper and do as much housework as I can when I have time. Luckily I am a full time mum so I can take care of my boys and spend great time with them.


Cheers.

Dear !@#,


I have read your story and it seems that you consider your helper not like an helper who must take care of the household, but as an nurse.


Why not? there is nothing to argue about this. But you should tell her the minimum she has to do:

taking care of children the morning (breakfast),

giving them the bath, going to school,

cooking their lunch and dinner,

going to playground with them,

washing their clothes,

all the things linked to children.


She has no time, or energy for household? ok, but your children must be happy.

A part time can help her with household.

Dear !@#,


You're being taken for a ride by your helper!


Either sit her down and explain to her that you need someone who can really be a helper and help - and maybe give her a chnace to buck up or take smallfry's suggestion of parting ways amicably (which could backfire on you, sometimes it doesn't pay to be nice, i've learned the hard way!).


I know many helpers who start the day early and end late but they stay at their jobs becuase they see the employers also working that hard, they are paid fair and they get bonuses or perks and respect/ love from the family they are with. As long as you are not slavedriving - which i clearly see you are not - then it's just a matter of finding someone suitable. Like someone else above said, maybe this one's a bit tired of doing her job already or she sees you are doing it anyway so she's making you do it by sleeping in and turning in early!


The way you've described your household - your helper's really not being fair to you.

From your more details post it sounds like your helper is taking advantage of you I'm afraid.

I would sit down yourself and work out what you want from your helper ie up at 6.00 start work at 6.30 wash, dress kids and give them breakfast prepare there lunches while the kids are eating breakfast then off to school. Give her say 30 min break then ask that she does the chores you want doing by 1.00pm say then she can break for lunch and if you don't need her a break until the kids get home. Then perhaps she can prepare dinner while your reading or doing homework with the kids or do things the other way round whichever you prefer. Then maybe after dinner she can get the kids bathed then you put them to bed. This is just a very rough suggestion, i think the most important thing is that you know what you want from your helper then sitting her down and telling her that this is how it needs to be from now on as you feel like you are doing everything yourself and not getting to enjoy your kids as you are too busy rushing around.


I wish you luck

Dear !@#,


If you were alone, without an helper, don't think that you will be less tired the evening?

Indeed, you, and your familly, are doing a lot of things. When you want your helper to do something, you must spend a lot of time and energy to ask her. And after you must check it.


Won't be less tired if you were alone? you could organize your day as you want, make the things how youwant things to be done.

You don't want to spend too much time in the cleaning of house? there are so many veryf good part time.

You want to go out? baby sitters.


It's difficult to fire someone. But don't become crazy with your helper.

oh my.. that does sound like she is taking you for a ride... do a list of chores for her - what you expect of her every day - and point out that she has to do them every day - no reminding from you - do it in form of a timetable if it helps.


If she still does not - do not feel like you have to keep her. there are plenty of great DHs out there, who will make your life so much easier...

!@# says that she's already tried schedules but he helper is not very good at following them and if !@# wants the work done she has to ask the helper to do it at that time every time.

Hi there,


I haven't read all the responses.

I just wanted to share my experience : we have 2 children (4 years and 1.5 years old). Our helper has been with us for the past 3 years now.

She is ready by 6:30/7:00am every day, she has already taken her shower and got dressed. She is ready for her day. She's the one who prepares the breakfast for us (very basic, cereals and milk) and also she squeezes fresh oranges every morning.

In the evening, she stops to work by 8pm when the kids go to bed (I'm the one who do it).


I must admit that when my baby was younger and waking up very early in the morning I sometimes gave him to her, like around 6am. She never complained.


It seems that your helper is the boss !!!!


Good luck.

For hueylenl - your story gets absolutely no sympathy from me, I'm afraid - you hire a teenager and you have to teach her things, then you fire her over $70. Now she will be back in Indonesia trying to work out how to repay a $21,000 debt. Hmmm, not many options for a 19-yr old girl in Indonesia, are there? Nice.

Sometimes 'good old fashioned parenting' just DOESNT WORK in this town. Ever considered parents with multiple children giovannihk?? Some classes simply don't allow two babies with one parent. When Daddy is away for days on end either the kids miss out.....or the maid goes along. Sometimes you can only go so far with 'good old fashioned parenting....'