Behavior issues

Our helper has been with us for almost a year and has generally been a good help to my family.

One thing that really bothers me is that she continuously fails to answer after being asked to do something. Also she gives a regular expression on her face not to bother her with additional work.

As she is not too busy in our home and generally does her work in a very slow manner, I fail to understand such expressions.

Recently she even kind of started talking back in a quite rude manner to us. I believe that if I was talking like this to my employer I would get in serious trouble.

As she is doing her work generally fine (but solw) and is quite good with the kids, I am not thinking of firing her at this point but I am looking for a way to have her respond in a grown up manner. Any ideas?

Since you like her performance towards work and kids, tell her frankly what she needs to improve ( response in a fine manner or don't show her dark face when you ask her to do something) Maybe you are too loose on her and sometimes failed to reprove her when she showed bad manner.


PS The best time to talk with her is before bed...at least she's already relaxed.

Just as a thought, perhaps give her a list of things you want done, and give a day when by


Somethimes when you ask someone to do something when they are already doing something, they think "yeah, anything else you can think of?"


She could be getting too comfortable with you, and you may need to control her a little.


If she:


(i) is good with the kids, and

(ii) her work is fine


you are 90% there. The slow think is tolerable if (i) and (ii) are there.

But lack of co-opeativeness isn't nice - need to re-assert who the boss is

We have the same issue as cara, except that she was fine for a while and then reverted to her old self again. We can't keep pussyfooting around her but don't know what to do!

"We have the same issue as cara, except that she was fine for a while and then reverted to her old self again. We can't keep pussyfooting around her but don't know what to do!"


Have a meeting (again?) and tell her that if you have to sit down with her again it will to terminate her for poor performance.

I have 'answering back' issues with my helper.


Example:

Me: Can you please wash all these clothes today

Helper : No more place to hang mom

Me: *cleared some almost dried clothes to make space*. There - now we have some space on the rack. Please wash these

Helper : No more hangers mom

Me : *Blood beginning to boil but still manage to find some hangers in the ironing basket* Here - I think there are enough hangers here...

Helper : I think I will just wash half mom

Me : *Blood now 100 deg C* You wash all or you pack your bags right now!

Helper : OK mom I wash it now

Me : Grrrrrr.......


She does her job really well but the way she answers back is seriously driving me up the wall. There are some other incidents - some are really classic ones.

Lately she's also been telling small lies. Now this actually worries me as I ask her to babysit my baby sometimes and I'm not sure if I can trust her anymore. Do you all think she is worth keeping?

Gum, I think you should deal with answering back and lack of cooperation directly. I did with my DH like this : (sweet voice) "Please don't answer me back, it is not polite."


I think the example you gave is more one of lack of cooperation & creating difficulties where there are none. For example, if the helper says there is no more space to hang clothes, what I would do is have a quick look to see if some are dry / very nearly dry and if yes ( as in your example) just say "well I'm sure you will find a way to resolve that. Now I really do want you to wash all these clothes today. Thank you." And then just walk away.


And if she still makes another comment then you need to tell her on the spot that you think she is creating difficulties. If incidents continue sit her down and give her a warning.


But from your post it doesn't sound promising, she's not cooperative, dishonest ... is she worth keeping? If she won't improve, then I think not.

For some strange reason, I still do not want to classify her as dishonest yet. Cos she only tell small lies - she gives me the feeling like she thinks I will bollock her (I have never!) if she tells me the truth. Examples of these small lies...


The kettle has got stains on it obviously because it has not been cleaned. These stains has been there for a while. I just kept forgetting to ask her to do.


Me : Can you wash the kettle. It's really dirty. Have you ever washed it (knowing that she has never)

Helper : Yes mom. I wash it.

Me : Are you sure?

Helper : Yes mom.... every day!

Me : You wash it everyday? Then what are all these stains doing here then

Helper : Oh....


She cracks me up initially but after a while it wasn't funny anymore. My trust in her has dwindled a bit. These are really minor stuff so I don't know why she bothers lying. All she needs to say is OK mom or I forgot mom and that would have been ok.


As for not being cooperative, I think you are right. I need to speak to her about this. And the lies too. And if it happens again, I'll have to ask her to leave and that will be a real shame. I still believe she can be a very good helper but she somehow doesn't want to take instructions from me!

""well I'm sure you will find a way to resolve that. Now I really do want you to wash all these clothes today. Thank you." And then just walk away."


Indeed. Give her the responsibility. This will make her feel that she is in charge and it should ideally short-cut the talkback.




Sit down and have a chat over a cup of tea. Much better than ad-hoc feedback for this kind of thing.



"she gives me the feeling like she thinks I will bollock her (I have never!) if she tells me the truth."


Ask her if another employer has done this. It's possible she is being defensive because a previous employer looked for excuses to scold her.



Ask her straight out why she talks back. Be gentle about it. Tell her you are not trying to catch her out. You only want to understand.



Having said all that, if you cannot resolve the situation (maybe she really is a rotten egg) you will have no choice but to terminate her.

Gum, I know exactly how you feel! I am about to fire my present DH, when her replacement comes late next month - but for some reason I feel really sad about it. I think it's because I've employed her for 3 years and I've not only got used to her but I can see she has a lot of good points. Not only that, she's been with us for almost all of my youngest child's life and both my kids are attached to her. When she's being nice she's lovely. Too bad she sometimes decides not to be nice ...

Correct Snow Rose. When I see her play with my baby I can tell that she genuinely likes her. She is also a hard working woman. My perception of her at the moment is that if I leave my child with her, she will genuinely do her best to take care of my baby. But should accidents happen while the baby is in her care, I think she will just keep quiet or lie about it... and this is what I am very nervous about.


Anyway, I will speak to her this weekend. Hopefully she is not a rotten egg and I will not have to terminate her.

Best way to handle a helper is the way you would handle any employee...

why try asking your self maybe you just didn't realize that you burden her with so much work or maybe you have visitors eating lunch , dinner or so almost everyday or just maybe you didn't realize that there is really so much work , or just maybe you let her sleep late or just maybe... you know try asking her what the problem is , as a helper i appreciate much if my employer would ask me what is wrong at least i could address my concerns without her telling me I'm complaining.. helpers dont say what they feel unless they are ask to, scared for the risk that they might lose their job if they tried to talk about it, well maybe we dont have the right to complain with regards to work coz thats why we are here, we are paid to do the work, but we are also human, not robots, coz even machines break down and need maintenance, we sometimes need a little bit of considerations.. some helpers experience this so called modern day slavery that employers sometimes take advantage of us becoz were afraid to lose our jobs................just a little insight

A problem is for helpers like Cindy, that if you lose your job/resign, is the visa issue. They can't just sty and look for another job, and have to return between contracts usually (this cost heaps too!)

Just to share my story...


My first helper was very similar to all the above helpers. She had a temper, would sulk and was quite rude to me. I am confident that I treated her fairly. I didn't scold her and I would buy her expensive gifts to show how much I appreciated her. Eg. An extra week holiday per year, an air ticket to Manila as a present to see her family, a watch for Christmas, clothes (of her choice) each season etc.


She was VERY good to my daughter and excellent with the housework. She knew exactly what gifts to buy for my daughter although she didn't have to do so.


However, her attitude made it unbearable for me to be at home and almost impossible for me to give out instructions. We had words about it but it didnt work.... however, looking back at it now, I think it was just her character. She takes pride in her work, likes to work independently and hates it when others tell her what to do.


In the end, I terminated her because I felt I was losing control in my own house. We both cried.


However, up to this day I still think about her a lot. Do I regret it? Sometimes I do and I do miss her.


I now have a second helper. My second helper isn't as good as my first in terms of housework or with my daughter's care. She's not as hardworking and I daresay, a little messy.....well, very messy. However, she is willing to listen to instructions, willing to rectify her mistakes and is good tempered. She has another 9 months to go on her contract and so far so good.


So what have I learnt? I think I've learnt that no one is perfect, and that an employer needs to learn to understand her helper as much as a helper needs to understand her employer. Otherwise it will not work out. I have taken a different approach with my second helper and we're both much happier.


I mean, okay sometimes there are some nasty employers or helpers around, but I am sure they only make up a small proportion of the entire pool of helpers/employer.


Good luck, such personal relationship between a helper/employer is very hard for an outsider to judge. I hope you'll make a decision that is right for you.