Expectations of a DH

We'll be hiring a DH soon and would like to see and understand others' perspectives on some issues.


1) mobile phone

When is is ok for you DH to be talking on the mobile phone?


2) Dress

How do you ensure your DH dresses appropriately?


3) Playground

How do you ensure that your DH is looking after your LO at the playground?


I work out in the gym in my estate and it faces the playground. Very often I see DH talking on the phone when they bring the little ones there and not looking after the children. Or talking to their friends. I've seen on occasions that kids fall off the slides or get hurt while the DHs were busy socialising. And...I've seen DHs going to the playgrounds in mini skirts that leave nothing to imagination. So....I wonder how do other working mums cope with these issues.

You have legitimate concerns. One issue is that many helpers don't even understand that they are not behaving appropriately. It's not that they're stupid, they may just never have learned better.



1) mobile phone - When is is ok for you DH to be talking on the mobile phone?


- When it is needed for work (talking to you for example).

- Answering the phone and perhaps exchanging a few words for 10-20 seconds. This is assuming your kids aren't in the middle of a trapeze act, while she is sitting the table with your kids or something like that.

- "Within reason" while working. If the kids are taking a nap and she's cooking or cleaning, she can talk to her heart's content.


2) Dress - How do you ensure your DH dresses appropriately? I've seen DHs going to the playgrounds in mini skirts that leave nothing to imagination


- We never had to ask. If you have issues, tell her how you expect her to dress. The mini skirt thing is a personal matter between you and your helper.


3) Playground - How do you ensure that your DH is looking after your LO at the playground?"


- Find the right helper.

- Tell your helper you expect her to take care of the kids at the playground, not socialize.

- A bit of socializing is fine. I mean when you are at the playground you probably say hi to the neighbors and exchange a few words. But it should not infringe upon the child rearing duties.

- Tell her you are trusting her with your kids, which includes trusting her to keep an eye on them.

- Ensure that this doesn't swing over into over protectiveness. There are many helpers who are afraid of getting yelled at if the kids are hurt even a tiny bit. Bumps and bruises are normal and not necessarily a sign of negligence. If the helper (or indeed the parent) is over protective this is not good for kid's development.



In the end you will have to trust your helper. If, after talking with her several times, you find you still cannot do so, it's time to get a new helper. We trust our helper without question and never have second thoughts about leaving the kids with her. That's the way it is supposed to be.

axptguy,


Thanks heaps. It can get a little scary sometimes when we have a stranger living in our house. My mum's helper has been with her for something like 8 yrs and we grew up with helpers but it was different as we were old enough to verbalize and tell mum if something was wrong.

"It can get a little scary sometimes when we have a stranger living in our house."


It can indeed be a daunting prospect, but you shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your home. I suggest you have a nice calm cup of coffee with your helper and talk a little about things. There's nothing like not communicating when it comes to screwing up the household dynamic. Also make sure you ask her what she thinks. She may have some great ideas but be afraid to bring them up. If she feels that she has your confidence she will likely perform much better.


You can even make the cup of coffee a regular thing. We are not that "formal" but in the evening we almost always seem to end up having a little informal family meeting (parents + helper) in the kitchen for a few minutes. Everyone gets caught up, any issues are aired, fun things that happened with the kids are recounted, and if necessary action plans are put in place.

Hi sunniefaith,

You have very valid reason for wanting things done in your home...your way!

The most important thing you can do for yourself, your family & your DH is set straight, proper & direct guidelines for her. She needs to know your expectations in every single thing.

When talking about her dress code...be clear on what you approve of & what you do not approve of.

Where the mobile phone usage is concerned...give her proper timings of her using her phone & tell her the rules about your residential phone. Be clear on if she is allowed your home phone or not.

I repeat myself when I say.....every minute detail, you have to be clear about. Do not assume your DH will know some things. Give her details on chores done, how, when you want them done.

Where the rules for your kids are concerned...be very clear on that. Some DH's ignore the kids while others do not correct for fear of being told of by their employers.

Most important, let the DH know that they can come to you for anything...

No DH is perfect & no employer is either. Give your DH time to make amends for her mistakes ( which she will invariably make) but if you find something unacceptable, correct her immediately & expalin why she needs to improve.

Many may not agree with me......it works for me.

At the end of it all......your DH has to show the utmost respect to you & your family & in return you should do the same with her.

"I repeat myself when I say.....every minute detail, you have to be clear about. Do not assume your DH will know some things. Give her details on chores done, how, when you want them done."


I think that if you micromanage to such a level as seriously_flawed describes the DH will not work well. Communicate how and why you think about things in general and see if she draws the correct conclusions. Try to do some thought experiments "what do you think you should do if.." If she still has problems, you can be more detailed.


A good employee is able to make the correct decisions without every minute detail spelled out. If they don't have to make decisions, they will become bored and not work too well. Also they will have no incentive to extrapolate when a situation not spelled out in the rulebook comes along. They will passively wait for orders.


If nothing else, micromanaging is a huge chore for the employer. We seldom have to tell our DH anything. She figures out how we want things done all by herself. Much less work for us than spelling out tasks in minute detail. If something needs to be corrected, we tell her and this correction will be applied not only to the specific task, but the manner of thinking about things will be integrated in her decision making process.



"You have very valid reason for wanting things done in your home...your way!"


Of course, but often our DH has ideas that may be better than ours. If she were managed in every detail we would not get the advantage of her experience. This doesn't mean we have to always do it her way, just that we will often get her advice and then choose the best course of action based on all the information.

seriously_flawed has some very valid points. I remembered years ago my mum had a DH that needed every minute of the day spelt out for her as she couldn't manage her time and was pretty clueless with everything. Mum had to micromanage and it drove her mad. She had to be let ago.


axptguy has his points too. Having to micromanage can drive one mad! I've enough work to do at work, don't want to do more work at home. Guess, it's also a situation of personality fit.

"Guess, it's also a situation of personality fit."


Always. A helper that works terribly in one family can be great in another.



I do think that there is a lot to learn from modern management ideas. Gone are the days of the overlord boss and extremely subservient worker. Good managers, while remaining the undisputed superiors, seek information, delegate authority and confer trust.