What on earth can I do?!?!?!

Just wanted to hear your comments about the following:


Since 3 months I have a new domestic helper.


She is a very quiet and sweet person, quite small and thin, seems fragile but nevertheless I hired her because she has been taking care of a baby from 0-2 before and because she is honest. She told me she is a great cook and she could handle a big household. We have 3 kids and a dog.


She can indeed do her work and I can leave the baby with her. However, there are things that drive me crazy and I do not know how long I can and should tolerate this:


In her first month of employment I came home one afternoon to find her sleeping on her bed while my baby was sitting in a bouncing chair in another room together with the dog! Our dog is a good dog but being left alone with a baby you never know what 'wrong signals' could be exchanged....She promised not to do this again and indeed this has never occured since


She is forgetting everything: I personally wrote down the weekly activities schedule for my older kids to which she simply has to send them (they go themselves) - but she still forgets. She forgets other things I told her an hour earlier.


I show her how to cook and tell her to make notes and to ask questions - both of which she does not do. Next time she gets it wrong. I tell her what was wrong and the next time she is preparing the food another thing goes wrong (i.e. forgetting to put cheese on a pizza when I gave her the cheese earlier on the same day! or forgetting ingredients)


Further, she does not understand what I ask from her. She always does the opposite and I try to speak slowly and clearly and ask her whether everything is clear and she gives me a positive answer - and then she is doing it completely wrong! It totally frustrates me! I do NOT think she is doing this on purpose ...


She also does not like to communicate with me. She is a very shy person (in the beginning I thought this is the first uncertainty but it continues) and does not want to ask me questions. I tried to make her feel comfortable in asking rather than doing something wrong. I also asked her to give me her opinion on certain things - but nothing! She does not say anything just gives me that fearful view when I ask her something!


If she finally manages to ask me she has these very stupid questions which she could actually answer herself if she would adapt to our routine, things we do not change in our daily life but she still does not get it!


I am so worried because I feel I cannot leave the house without having made sure everything is VERY CLEAR to her, especially when I leave her with the baby. I cannot call her from outside and ask her to do something just like that, she won't be able to understand what I mean. I always have to show it to her first (today I asked her to look for a list I left at home and I even told her WHERE to look - as I assumed, she did not find it. After I returned home the list was where I had asked her to check - she does not understand what I mean!!!!)


What on earth can I do? The only thing she really did wrong was leaving the baby unattended which she never did again and promised to never do again and I believer her. The other things are just small things but the frequency of occurance and the thoughts I have to spend on her and her work drive me nuts....It adds up to so much and I just feel less and less comfortable. It seems I am spending more and more time with her the longer she stays with us.....


I talked to her many times, but she is so insecure....this I cannot change....


Thanks for your comments

Hi Rosi. I know that categorizing is so not good but, your domestic helper and my current helper are similar. I have been with her for 2 months, I also have a 1 month old baby. I have spoked to her, showed her how to clean the house, cook, wash, dry, iron etc. but all in vain. She will color up laundry, forget ingredients, misplace things, break things, etc. She simply cannot follow instructions. I asked her if my English was hard to understand but, she said that she was just absent minded. My husband and I really tried, asked around,looked up this forum to get tips, had a third party to come in and see if we were handling things wrong, we even issued a written warning to be more careful with 5 major points she cannot break but, she will still forget.

In the end, she started interfering with her own questions about her training when i really needed to attend my baby, as you, I started spending so much time with her rather than my crying baby and I got so stressed out, we decided to release her.

I know a lot of people will say that it is up to the employer's management and we are too spoilt not appreciating what we have but, I can support your frustration. I think that there are people that just simply do not listen because they are too in their own mind. And at the end of the day, we are paying and providing for their help and not for their training.

But, please do not let this generalise your view on DHs. Via my friend, I have met my next helper. During the interview which I did with her a couple of times, I made sure that she can respect what was important to me, and the answer I got was, " As a helper, it is my job to adjust and respect your values of maintaining the house, that is why you have instructions and also, it is important that we have mutual respect and trust and communication" Her responses were absolutely different even with the odd communications we had during the interview process and most of all, I have a strong feeling that she will do no harm to the baby.


Sorry to blabber on but, I just wanted to share what happened to my case.

Good luck!!

A good domestic helper is hard to find. A really good one almost impossible! Simply, get rid of her! I didnt even read your whole post as I stopped at the sleeping part.


Find a new one, get a reference, if anything in your interviews seem unacceptable keep interviewing. From a group of 15 prospects, we shortlist to seeing 5-6, shortlist to 2 and make offers.


We also apply a 3 month probationary period in the offer letter.


This is also the period in which you need to focus on training her. Even if your helper has been with you for 10 years, it is because you kept up the training. We have a manual we created for her to refer too, we pay a bonus if all is done properly.


We encourage her to think for herself and have regular discussions about "How she is and how she thinks she is doing?".


In the end, you will never get all of what your want and potentially only 85% of what you need but understand you get what you pay for.

My first thought would be that she doesn't understand english properly, and she is scared to say so not to deceive you... maybe she does not read properly neither ?

Have you already seen her reading or writing ? Can also be a problem that makes her being shy...

Fire her and get yourself one that you can rely on. Afterall (like cara said) a helper is supposed to make your life easier. What's the point if she keeps on driving you nuts and worse, there does not seem to be any improvement!


Just make sure you do things the legally and give her her benefits (one month pay and plane ticket etc.)


Good luck.

I was in a similar situation with my first helper and my newborn. We found her through an agent and interviewed her over the phone. Her English was OK and she was a really nice person etc. BUT when it came to looking after a baby, cooking and shopping, etc. she really wasn't what we were looking for. I was so stressed after a month of constantly reminding her to do things and teaching her how to cook that we decided to terminate her (and she wasn't even required to look after my baby). She admitted that she really doesn't have experience and we agreed that a job as a DH wasn't for her. We found our present one on this site after interviewing a few and she's really good. Sometimes it's all a matter of luck and how well a DH works shouldn't be based on how much the employer pays. If the DH has this mentality, I'd have second thoughts on signing her up.

agree with blessed that luck is very important as there is information asymmetry. a good DH deserves better pay just like in any other profession. problem though is that you won't be able to find out yet whether she's good or not when you need to decide how much to pay at the beginning, and offeirng a good pay does not guarantee you'll attract a good DH. i've had friends who were generous to pay way above the minimum at the start of a contract only to leave themselves disappointed soon afterwards. another friend with two young children to look after intended to offer his new helper (who had more than 10 years of experience) a higher pay than the minimum but when he went to sign the contract he found the minimum wage amount was already on paper -- the agent and the helper just assumed that he'd pay minimum. the helper was so good that the employer soon decided to increase her wage voluntarily and gave her fat bonus for both christmas and chinese new year -- what a good luck for both parties!


also agree that some people may not be suitable to do the DH work. true it's not a very highly paid job, but still it requires some basic quality such as good hygiene standard, reasonably good organization of things, following instructions, being reasonably careful, etc. you cannot expect a DH to cook as well as a chef or take care of children as well as a professional nanny, but at least you want her to do a reasonable job like a decent housewife would be able to do, but not everyone is fit for that work. so if you think your helper is in a wrong profession, it definitely makes sense to try another one.

"problem though is that you won't be able to find out yet whether she's good or not when you need to decide how much to pay at the beginning, and offeirng a good pay does not guarantee you'll attract a good DH."


I strongly agree with this comment! It is so difficult to decide the pay before the helper starts work, and actually more difficult than one would think to raise the pay after the contract has begun. Some helpers react well to the pay rise, but some may become complacent or greedy and the fear of such problems makes me at least wonder if/how to reward good work performance!

DaHKGKid, I like your 3 month probationary period clause. Is this a normal thing on the contract? What does the contract stipulate?


Thank you!

A probationary period clause only informs/reminds the helper that could be terminated. It doesn't change your rights and obligations. It's not like you don't have to give one month notice (or payment in lieu) or her return flight ticket home.


To the OP: it's time to find a new helper. Sleeping while your baby is in another room with the dog is outrageous and not something a competent helper would ever dream about doing...even if she were overworked and didn't sleep the previous night (and I assume that isn't the case).

Hi Rosi,


Just fire her!

She sounded like me previous helper.

She worked for me 10 months,and everyday was like a groundhog day!

Finally I told her she was not the one I needed..

After, she had gone, I feel more relaxed and happy..

I totally understand you.

Believe me, there are houndreds of decent helpers out there..

Start looking for a new one.

Leaving baby alone and sleeping during the time she has to babysit, can not be tolareted..

Good luck

Good point Fieter! I would recommend to start speaking with helper who are already in HK, especially those who are at the tail end of their contract....the consulate has banned direct hire but once you find the right individual, you can get a agency involved.

Fieter -


Surely very very few Filipino helpers in Hong Kong have such a background as you describe! The majority have at least senior high school if not some university level education. And lots of the DH in Hong Kong are from cities such as Manila and Cebu etc.


I wonder if there is another reason - perhaps a cultural reason? - why some helpers do not "start doing the kind of logical thinking we all think is so obvious". Perhaps some Filipino posters could comment on this? - In the Philippines, is thinking for oneself encouraged or promoted, or not expected?


My own helper seems fairly bright in many ways, has some tertiary level education, but doesn't work things out for herself - I wonder why that might be? Sometimes it seems to me like the idea of working it out for herself hasn't even occurred to her (she's 28, from Manila), but then in other areas she seems reasonably intelligent.

Hi, Rosi, read your predicament. After years of experiencing doemstic helpers. I would suggest release her, if u have tried months to train her and she still couldn't get it, then she won't. (i have more or less the same experience as yours). Unless u are prepare to carry on the lifestyle u have now. But I strongly suggest not to give her a warning sort of letter as this will definitely complicated the situation, especially u have baby and kids at home. U just never know what sort of craziness she will do when she is upset and worried that she may not be able to stay in HK. That is just my advise and opinion.


Hope u can sort out your problem soon..

Hi I had the same issues I stupidly tolerated it giving my helper the benefit of the doubt for 16 mths...main issue was independant sleep training that was her goal from birth ...16 mths later I kep finding her sleeling with my son at night.

I bought her the Baby Whisperer, (she has a degree and can read well also has midwife training (so no excuses right ?) ...wrong ! ....and as well coached her myself on a number of occasions....I think she was deliberately creating the dependence with my son so I'd keep her on.

I gave her the yellow card twice and then the final straw 2 weeks ago I terminated her. Aftre 4 days on sleep training he now sleeps through the night from 8pm to 7am ...

Also she was really forgetful and her head was elsewhere............

Thank you very much to all your posts. It was really helpful and gave me the confidence that is is not me expecting too much.


BTW: I speak English with her


I also liked the idea of the 3-months probationary period - will definitely use it for my next one


A few days ago she asked me whether the salary I gave her for January was incl or excl the meal allowance (it is incl and both amounts are stated in the contract). She mentioned that I had told her she would get her meal allowance additionally to her salary - HOW CAN SHE BE SO SURE AFTER SHE FORGETS EVERYTHING I TELL HER??!! Further, the interview we had was in September 08 and I have paid her salary in the same way in the previous months......How stupid is that???!!! In this case she did not have a problem to open her mouth and ask, she seemed further very strong and not so shy as she usually is....what game is she playing with me??!!


Anyway, I will have to get rid of her but I am so afraid of what I'll get next (you know the devil that you have....)

Another thing, Rosi, for your next employee, treat them kindly but firm, let them know u won't be "play" by them.. I stayed in the Philippines for some time, and have encounter a lot of helpers, some are good and some are not, my experience taught me that If i am too friendly with them, they take advantage of me and if I treat them with polite and firm, they respect me...

i agree with you SNOW ROSE, some of the filipino helpers are even smarter than their employers. I think the real problem here is a job mismatch, since most of the filipino helpers here are college graduate and mostly didn't really have experience doing domestic works back home (usually the first timers/ new comers). Some were just here because obviously the salary of a domestic helper is so much higher than a professional in the Philippines plus it's too hard to find job back home (too much graduates but not enough job, so graduates are forced to take works abroad even just as a domestic helper-resulting to brain drain)...but they never expected how hard it is to take care of a family not your own, how hard it is to please every single f*ckin' member of the family, until it's too late for them to back out, they already invested a lot of money and effort (placement fee,air ticket,training fee,medical,etc...)and even had a loan just to come over here.


"start doing the kind of logical thinking we all think is so obvious".


"In the Philippines, is thinking for oneself encouraged or promoted, or not expected?"


of course it is encourage,promoted and expected. Have u ever experienced being caged and only set free on sundays with less than 12 hours freedom? There you go!!! And most of the helpers here are emotionally and mentally tortured, especially if the employer is a very "DEMMANDING ONE" and feels intimidated when the helper is smarter than them- resulting to confusion and fear on the part of the helper, and poor them they just bite their tongue (fearing termination and starting all over again, which is always the case...paying agency fee more than 5 months of their salary)...how can u expect logical thinking if your helper is scared of you? Because technically, helpers' stay here is so much controlled by their employers, once terminated, they are just given 2 weeks extension, and wether they find a new one or not, they are to leave Hongkong and back to square one.


Do you think they really want to do domestic job? Most of them or should i say, all of them will say "NO". Being absent minded is not shocking because their heart is not really on what they do. how can u expect presence of mind if the heart is not there? But still they are trying their best because they choose to grab this job...to do this job, and thru this they are able to at least meet the needs of their family back home. And by the way most of them are breadwinner.


The employer must also consider what their helper feels, working in a house is not a joke. Perhaps u can try staying in your house just for a month and do what exactly ur helper is doing for the whole day, specially the poster of this ads with the toddler, dog, and i don't know how many grown up kids plus of course the couple to look after and the cleaning of the house, cooking, etc,etc...just to give u a hint how it is...!!! Bear in mind the word HELPER...it means "someone to help you" and not someone who will replace you or do all the resposibilities that the MOM should be doing!!!

-amparo kia-


people are the same wherever you go!!! It doesn't only happen in the Philippines...even here in Hongkong u can meet such kind...or even worst!!!

perhaps you need a new helper. there is a good book called 'How To Recruit, Train and Motivate a Domestic Helper', (i think that's the name), I would recommend reading that, it might give you some good ideas.

Liberate this person. She'll get over it. Don't make your babies pay the price for your inaction.

We were in similar situation. You are not expecting too much, this lady is simply not the right helper for you. We parted ways with our first helper and then found a new helper via AsiaXpat. The 2nd time around we knew much better what to look for. We interviewed several helpers and made sure she had the exact experience we were looking for. We also insisted on references (not just op paper, also over the phone) and this helped a lot. We now feel we have the best helper in HK, she is just fantastic. You will also see that it is not just about following instructions, but also about do you 'click' with a helper, or not. With the 1st one it turned out that didn't, but with the 2nd one we do completely.

I understand you are thinking 'better the devil you know ...' because I thought the same thing, but really the right helper is out there for you. Good luck.

watevah - thanks for sharing your views regarding the question I posed. You obviously have very strong feelings on this subject, but I do hope that your description of some helpers' lot was general and not suggesting my helper is treated like that.


The reason I asked the question is that although I am very satisfied with my DH, I have noticed that she is not as logical as I might expect . So I just wondered if some cultural difference might be at play here?


It may be as you say, that they don't really like being DH and therefore don't put much into the job. That, however, isn't fair to the employer, especially if the employer is kind and fair to the helper.

She maybe not the right helper for you,but looking for a helper with your standards is difficult to find,it may lead you to change helper everytime which is time consuming.