Managing a toddler

My helper has been with me for less than 2 months. She is capable and performs all duties well...all but one -- she is too soft with my son who is 23 months old. He quickly realized that she is not firm no matter what he does. Therefore, he screams when he wants or doesn't want something, runs away when she tries to dress him up and even hit her on a few occasions -- something he never does to anyone!


I talked to her during the interview and explicitly asked her whether she would be able to be firm with him. You see, his attitude is the legacy of my previous helper who simply would not care.


Has anyone experienced this? Can you share successful strategies? I would not want to fire her because this would not solve the problem. Thank you.

This is not uncommon. You need to have a serious talk with her covering two topics.

- How and why you want your child to be managed. Focus on the why, so she understands why she has to do it a certain way. The helper needs to be a "third parent", meaning consistent parenting from all everyday care givers.

- Explain that you will not be mad if she makes honest mistakes. Many helpers are afraid to be too firm because they fear that the employer will be mad at them.

Agreed with axptguy38. Your helper is a "third parent" and there needs to be routine and continuity for your child. You helper needs to understand and mature enough to see this.


I had my helper watch me for a couple of days when she first started without any interaction at all. I also told my child (4 at the time), that our helper is here to live with us to help mummy & daddy and so you need to do as she says. I then said to our helper she must take a firm hand should it be required. Obviously other than smacking, our helper followed all the same disciplinary actions as we would.


At first, she found it very difficult because she didn't know our child and I think you do need to take this into account, she is also getting to know your child. I think it's important not to be too harsh or impatient with your helper, but more encouraging when she takes the lead where she needs to. It is difficult to reprimand another person's child, particularly if the parent is there.


If you son comes to you for comfort, then you must ignore him or simply say, "no, Mary (or whatever her name is) said you must do this" and not interfere, as difficult as it is sometimes.


Good Luck

To me, the main responsiblity of a helper is to assist with house work and monitor my children when I am not around. I don't expect my helper to educate my kids nor teach them proper manners as it is my (the parents) jobs to teach my kids. Plus, us parents would most likely have a better education and can do better jobs teaching our children. Otherwise, why do we have children and let our children have helpers' influence?


And if I am expecting my helper to discpline my kids, I should pay her a teacher's salary as well.


Helpers are often confused on how they should treat the employers' children. If they are too soft, employers would complain they are not consistent and not firm. If they are too firm, employers might say the helpers don't love the kids or abuse the kids. It is very grey area, and to avoid that, parents teach their own kids. Otherwise, what eles can the parents contribute if the helpers do all the house work, take the kids to the park, change their diapers, put them to sleep & feed them?


Why not spend some time with your children and tell them how they should be treating your helper rather than telling your helper how she should treat your children? At the end, it is a benefit to your children! And your children would learn from you who is more sophisticated!

I don't believe that Nuri is expecting her helper to do all the work, but more that she would like her helper to follow the practice of how she deals with her son, there is no reason at all to suggest that Nuri does not look after her child at all! She confirmed at interview with the helper that there is childcare involved and she is to follow her actions and be firm. this was agreed and now it is not be followed through, so she is seeking advice on how to deal with the situation, not to be judged on her parenting.


I agree it's a very grey area, but if the lines of communication are open and your helper feels comfortable coming to you for advice, then half the battle is already over. Keep talking and encouraging your helper and reminding your child that if he doesn't listen to your helper, then he will be punished.


s1339, just because some people may be better educated does not mean they are better parents. We don't go to school to learn how to be parents, we learn as we go through it. I think your comment is quite derogerative to be honest.

You could have a degree in childcare, but it doesn't mean you have instinct and a caring heart. My helper does not have her own children, but she has the instinct of a mother which can't be said for some of the parents out in the world that abuse their children.

Thank you for the support Neeb and Exptguy38. I'll keep on reinforcing discipline techniques with my helper. I think that she needs time to ajust to my family because she worked in a local family where she had to cater to children's demands and to please them. The mother would even ask her to wipe and wash 7yo child's butt after bowel movement on a daily basis! I think the more i talk to her the better I realize why she is reluctant to be firm. But she is a good woman and I believe that with my quidance she will eventually be able to follow up. I like the idea of "third parent" because my husband and I work, and to certain extent she is.


s1339 and Cinderella, no offence but you should be reading posts more attentively if you wish to participate in the thread. The point about education and firing are irrelevant, really.