reason to terminate or am I paranoid

Our helper has been with us for over a year. I have 2 pre-schoolers and I work part-time which is the reason why we hired a helper.

She seems to look after the children well, although I have noticed that their behaviour deteriorated after she started looking after them longer (when she started working for us, I was doing very little work and from home so I was always around) but couldn't say whether this was due to being with her or to not being with me and I put it down to the second and felt terrible for going to work for two full days.

However, soon after she started working for us, things in the house started to go missing. This is quite normal, I thought at first. They will just turn up. However, there are things that have never turned up. Small things mostly, but very annoying, like children's toys, clothes, but a nice pretty watch that my mother-in-law had bought me.

I have asked to look for those things and also looked for them myself in our small and tidy 1068 square feet apartment, but they are not here. Originally, I refused to seriously doubt her, the thought was just too shocking, but now I think she is guilty.

After talking to friends, mother and husband, I decided to give her another chance. So I gave her a new list of the missing things, went calmly through it with her and told her the things were in the house.

She spent the morning looking for them, although I knew they would not turn up because I had already looked for them myself. However, she took another watch from my handbag, and placed it on top of the shoe cabinet we have in the hall.

I was shocked and immediately asked her where she had found it to which she answered in my handbag, to do otherwise would have been professional suicide, she would have been out of the house there and then. But I am shocked that she went in my handbag without asking, took something out and placed it somewhere else. Funnily enough, it is the same handbag from where the missing watch was taken since it was without a battery and I was going to take it into town for replacement.

When I told my husband about the incident, he said she probably was scared, even though she is a tough cookie and I have never seen her scared. I am scared of leaving my children with her, she is not scared of taking out my 18 month old at the time and my three year old into the street without a pram without asking and when she had been told to wait at home for me (this is a past incident and obviously not related to the missing things habit).

Anyway, since my husband told me I have no prove and she is innocent until proven guilty, I decided that it must be my paranoia and that I would put the missing things out of my mind and start again. Two hours later, I found she has taken an envelope with a personal letter from the drawer where I was keeping it to another drawer. This is 100 per cent sure since I did the spring cleaning of that very chest of drawers a week ago and I know exactly where that letter was.

I also found out today through my daughter who is now four, that she tells her she has no family (I imagine it goes something like 'so you are my family') when she tells me she has mom and dad back in the Filipines, two brothers plus one sister in Hong Kong, and another set of brothers and sisters in the Filipines.

I feel I am going mad. I can't sleep at night worrying about leaving the children with her, not because she can't look after them, but because I don't trust her.

But my husband has said that if I fire her it will be in my conscience because I have no prove, I am making a big fuss and I am probably just being paranoid anyway.

I told my husband I would sack him if I could, so this is not helping us, but creating more tension.

Any further insight would be more than welcome. I have had two part-time helpers in the past that I know would never even take a penny from the change box, and always said thank you if they got a 20 dollar tip (or more). These people were lovely and I would have had any of them work full time but they couldn't.

I put 200 dollars in her lai see and she didn't even send a txt with thanks.

sorry to hear about your problems. I think you need to trust your instincts. If you feel there are issues, they should be taken care of right away. Once she thinks she can get away with it, she will continue to do whatever she can to test the line.


I have had the same helper for almost 10 years, we have always been very forgiving but I found out she has been stealing from us for at least the past year, so it's got to end there. I pay her more than basic salary, I buy her a return air ticket every year (not just every 2 years), give her more than 14 days holiday every year since, I've lent her money, paid off her debts, paid her overtime .. all in vain, because she was stealing about $1500 a month in grocery money.


Unfortunately because she works in your house, you trust her to look after your children, you always want to give your helper the benefit of the doubt, but I'm sorry to say it's not the wisest decision. I learned from my mistake.

Thank you to both. I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt. As you say, she looks after my children.

I'm sorry if I sound heartless, but you should let her go. Similar to our case (missing items, possible lies re: family or not, and worse....) my wife and I trusted our instincts and have no regrets. ESPECIALLY as she looks after your kids and your household, you need someone you trust 100%.

Trust your instinct...especially when it is so obvious. Once a thief...always a thief....sounds hard...but its true!

Get rid of her. Agree with the instincts position. Can't trust her? Well not going to change later.