My helper has been with me for 15 months. Her first 3 months working with us was fine. She was industrious, humble and plays with my daughter well.
On her 4th month, her horns started to come out. She started doing things around the house contradicting my specific instructions, she seemed to be dazed and not do her job well. I tried to ignore it and even tried to make some small talk with her, thinking that she was maybe homesick. But I noticed that she would deliberately ignore me and my small talk, which from where I come from, is considered RUDE.
She really doesnt do much in my house. I live in a 700++ sqft flat. I do the cooking, I clean my bedroom, I do the ironing (I let her iron before but it took her 3-4 hours ironing clothes for just me and my 6yr old daughter- just a few pieces of clothing) So all she does everyday is to clean the small house. But honestly, how dirty can a small flat with get? My daughter goes to school the whole day, and I go to work till 1 pm?
My dilemma is: I already want to fire her, but my daughter begged me not to because she said she likes the way the helper plays with her. she is not helping me anymore around the house and it is better for me to get a part time helper instead. She is now getting into my nerves with small things that I ask her to do - but she insists on doing it her way--- and she doesnt do it well, so I end up doing it all over again!
But what about my daugher's feelings? She has obviously gone attached to this helper. Shall I take that into consideration?
Please give me some advise. I am about to go insane.
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As usual, I must agree with cara. You know best, not your kids.
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RA
14 yrs ago
Your sanity is very important. Looks like your helper is not doing any work and infact you are doing more than her! If your helper does not 'help' you in relieving you, then she needs to be fired. As far as your daughter is concerned, don't worry kids forget fast and as soon as she gets a new helper she will grow fond of her. My daughter is 8 and she has seen 2 helpers go. She cried when both left, but recovered within a few days. Once when we had to move houses, she refused to go and used to burst into tears saying she will miss the old house. Needless to say, we have moved and though she says sometimes she misses the old house, she loves the new one.
What I am trying to say is that you are the parent, in your daughter's lifetime, she will meet and part from many friends/ people. Kids forget and make friends easily.
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If it's not working the way it should, it's better for you to just let her go. I know how attached kids could be to their "aunties" and it's painful for both parties. But it has to be done. Break it to her as gently as possible. Maybe tell her that she's going away for a short time to be with her mother/kids/family. Just don't promise her that she will be back. Kid or not, breaking promises is not a good as children keep tabs more than adults can.
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What your daughter needs to be clear is that helpers "work" at our home and that they do have their own lives and family too, so no need to get attached. You should not have to sacrifice service just because your daughter likes the way your helper plays with her. This is not the only job specification for your helper and she should also be performing well in other areas too.
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Believe me, get rid of her and you'll have a big surprise to see how well your daughter will handle this move. She will be FINE, really fine ! Just explain briefly to her why you can't keep the DH and your daughter will be on your side for sure.
Children are the most flexible people !
Just make sure that she leaves quickly, without long good-byes.
I had to fire a helper and my children were close to her. I thought it would hurt them but they really turned the page like we did. We told them that she would leave the next day. Before they left for school they said good bye and then she packed her stuff and when they came back from school, I showed them her room and told them that she was now gone for ever. The following week, we had a new helper and our children loved her at once and never asked about the previous one. About 6 months later, we met her in Causeway Bay and they didn't even recognize her !!!! So don't worry too much !
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we are also considering letting our helper go and our daughter is also quite attached to her (1 year on the job so far). We are thinking of doing it end of June 2011, when we will leave HK for summer holidays for 6 weeks...that way, the natural separation will hopefully ease things when we return
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Dandelionpup, along with everyone else I think it is time for a change. I too had a helper who was skimming the groceries bills from me but my daughter was very attached to her (and she professed her attachment to my cherub), so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, changed my own practices so I could audit the grocery bills better (never once did I accuse her to her face of thieving) but my helper's behaviour just deteriorated, and she had the gall to complain to my other helper (who did none of the shopping and only 1 day of cooking a week) that I suspected her and did not trust her....damn right, she was a thief...totally proven......and in the end she had to go......disappointingly, on the day she left, I asked my other helper to take my daughter up to say goodbye to her because I thought she really was very attached to her but she wasn't interested in my daughter at all....just waved her away, then promptly left without a word......my daughter was fine with the other helper thenceforth.....but at the end of the day, the helper is there to perform a function, if she can't at the very least perform that function, don't allow how you perceive/believe her relationship to be with your daughter influence that.....
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Madtown, it happens all the time. I am seen on numerous occasions friends' children look for comfort/security with the helper rather than the parents. Just simple child things, like losing balance and falling, or trouble with a sibling or a lost toy etc. To me, this is expected.
If a child sees more of a helper than a parent or the helper is more involved in the child's life than the parent then the child will look for the surrogate parent, that being the helper, before they look for their parents.
I think the Greeks have different words for different types of love and a parents' love is a higher ranked word than the friends love.
Maybe a child can never have enough parent's love.
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I wouldn't break up a harmonious helper/child relationship just because of my own feelings/insecurity if the helper was performing adequately on their helper duties....it is NOT good for the child particularly if they are attached (although truthfully they will get over it)......if my child became super attached to the helper I would put all the energies I would have used to replace the helper into spending every at home moment with my cherub....bathing her, doing the night shift, reading her her bed time stories, getting down and dirty and playing with her on the floor.....you'll be amazed at how they still run to you if you can fight your fatigue and do all these things....and I should know, I'm in a busy full time job where I work 6 days a week and my DD still comes to mommy when she scrapes her knee (if I'm home or if not tells me about it when I come home)
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And I hope one day some employers will realize that they will do their obligations as a parent to their child.So that no jealous will occur if the helper-child relationship is deeper that leads to termination.
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My 10 month old spends a lot of time with our helper and they are both very fond of each other. I think this is a bonus for our family as a child can never have too many people to love them. That said, he does know who his mummy is and when he's tired or wants kisses, he comes to me! Your daughter may be fond of your helper but she also needs to know that you are the parent who makes the decisions and the DH is an employee who has duties to perform to a certain standard and if that is not done there is a consequence. If your daughter didn't do her school work and was getting bad marks, you can't beg the teacher to give her better marks and 'boom' it happens, she has to do the work for the good grades just like your helper has to do the job well to keep it.
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May not have been the best idea - lying about your helper taking a holiday. Your daughter may now be waiting for your helper to return from her holidays.
Maybe now you need to say that your helper is not coming back and so your daughter will realise the finality of the situation.
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I must agree with bob the builder. Lying to a child like that is not a good idea. Once you tell her the truth she might lose some faith in you.
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