Help with communicating with helper

I have a helper. She is generally brilliant. She is hardworking, performs household chores really well and generally loves my daughter.


The problem I have is her attitude. She is not able to take constructive criticism no matter how nice I am about it. It's come to a point where I daren't tell her if I do not like what she cooks. I praise her when I like her dishes but if I tell her that we're not too keen on xxx dishes, she says I always complain.


If I tell her to cook French toast only once a week because it is not so healthy to eat everyday, she says I'm complaining.


Today, I couldn't find a black top and when I asked her if she's seen it, she says, "Mam, I don't know. You have too many clothes. It's either in your drawer or hanging in your wardrobe". I told her it isn't in either of those places, can she please help me look for it? She repeated herself again saying it's in either location and she doesn't know what I'm talking about. At this point, I said, "Please, it has to be in the house because it's only us in the house, can you help me find?" Then she says I am accusing her of stealing my black top. I was shocked and I said, "I am not accusing you. I just want you to help me find it. Don't misunderstand. I just want you to help me find it, that's all". It took me 9 minutes to repeat that phrase, "Just help me" and she kept on attacking me saying I was accusing her and I was complaining.


At times when she's looking after my daughter, she'll get mad, go into the kitchen and ignore my daughter. My daughter needs to sleep at 8pm and if my daughter doesn't co-operate, she just ignores her until I come home from work. When questioned by my husband, how come she's not in bed, my helper goes, "Sir, your daughter is impossible. I've already done my best". So I'm stuck thinking that if it gets to that point, do I just get my helper to call me at work so I can come home earlier to handle myself? We scold our daughter if she misbehaves but I really do not know how to handle the situation when I'm not around.


When she asks for grocery money, I will ask her, "How much do you have left?" The reason for such a question is so that I know how much extra to give her. I go to her book where she lists every expense down because that is where I write the amounts I giver her (to tally up how much we spend on groceries). She sees that as me not trusting her and she told me so. I was shocked. I said I only asked her how much she had left so I know how much to top up and I wasn't checking on her expenses, I only wanted to write down how much I give out for groceries each month. I had to show her the page I was referring to so that she knows I was not checking up on her.


I feel really helpless. She's generally a really nice helper and she really keeps the house clean and loves my daughter (I know my daughter plays up also) but I really don't know how to make her happy.


Many times I think nothing's wrong only to have her sulk for a few days because she's not happy with something I've said. It's like I'm walking on egg shells. I've spoken to her about all of these already but nothing has changed.


Anyone with advice on what I can do to avoid misunderstandings and to keep her happy?

GemmaW


you are not alone, i have been through it before with my previous helper of 4 years. she is a very proud person and takes pride in what she does. truly she does most things brilliantly but when it comes to help in looking for something or us not liking the way she does certain things, it's "war time" because she had always to have the last word. same she also accused my husband of accusingher stealing, when my husband could not find one of his belts and asked her to help find it.


we had many serious talks unfortunately the more i tried to make her understand my point of view, the more upset she was, we could not have an open and honest conversation with her due to her pride. She always had to answer back. It is not an easy situation to be in. I had to let her go in the end because of this silly attitude problem.


Beancurd is right, if the situation does not improve after you have had a serious talk with her then it may be necessary to change helpers.

Honestly, get rid of her. She doesn't respect you, your husband and your daughter !

This is called passive agressive behaviour and it is unaceptable from a helper.

I can share my own experience with you : a few years ago I had the same type of helper and when I was trying to explain something to her, she was always telling me "you know I'm not THAT stupid" and she was sulking a few hours. I wasn't able to make a single comment as she would always react that way.

I got rid of her and this was the BEST thing that could happen.

Dealing with her constant arrogant comments had ruined the atmosphere in my house. I felt so relieved when she left. She was a poison, if if she was good in her work. It was just this horrible attitude.

Believe me, she's not going to improve, it will only deteriorate and YOU will be the one suffering about it.

Also, how can you trust someone who can treat your daughter like this ???? and who can talk about her like that ??? I would hate to have someone like her close to my kids.

Good luck