Posted by
visitors
14 yrs ago
Long stroy short, I run into this same helper at least once a day if not more. She is always on her phone while the 2 yr old (perhaps younger) wandering around without supervision, I never said a word. However, I saw her leaving the little girl on the gutter screaming yesterday. The helper was on the phone chatting away and giggling ten feet away in the shade. I went and asked her to pick her up and she looked at me and said, 'No, my employer said I don't need to pick her up if she is being naugty". I then said the gutter is really dirty, please pick her up now. She shaked her head and looked away continuing talking on the phone. When she saw my husband coming over, she immediately picked her up and ran off.
I went to the clubhouse playroom this morning and I saw her again. She was with 5 other helpers having a picnic eating in a room where "No food or drink" allowed. The kids were actually playing fine but all of a sudden, the same helper asked the little girl to kiss another boy's lips and said, "Ethan will be your boyfriend and you need to look sexy for him."
I find it really disturbing and yet this little girl is with the helper 24/7 and this little girl seems to be really attached to her. I am always in the neighbourhood and I see them in the market, playroom, park, lobby, elevator...
I've never seen the parents even though we live in the same building. Should I be nosey and track down the employer?
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If that was my child I would want to know and I would be grateful if you tracked me down. The kissing and sexy thing is disturbing to say the least, and chatting on the phone whilst looking after a child on the street is neglect in my book. It sounds as if she lives in the same apartment block as you so the mother may not be too hard to find....also the management may be able to help, they seem to know who belongs to who where I live.
I think it is irrelevant if the child seems attached to the helper, children are attached to parents/caretakers that abuse them too.....so don't let that stop you.
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I think you should track the employer down since it sounds as if the helper is neglecting the child.
As for the "sexy" comment, I think that is a culture clash thing. I have heard comments about our daughters looking "sexy" from helpers too. It is something Westerners find inappropriate but I don't think Filipinas do, at least to the same extent. Do correct me if I am wring.
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Do track down the employer, re negligence of this child.
With regards to this 'sexy ' comment, my ex helper who was older used to describe little girls or older ladies for that matter as pretty or ugly which is easily defined, if she used the word 'sexy' to describe someone(usually another helper), she meant tart like and flirtacious and after men, so I think this could be mis understood. It certainly should not be used to describe a little girl.
It would be interesting to hear from helpers who contribute to the forum of their words to describe little girls and their interpretation of sexy.
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Aside from the sexy comment (thanks beancurd for the clarification), asking toddlers to kiss each other on the lips and be boyfriend/girlfriends is way too much!!!!
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HKM3
14 yrs ago
Yes, you should contact the employer. If it was one of my children I would absolutely want to know. While I completely understand that a parent can issue the instructions to not indulge crying/whining behavior, the caregiver needs to have a common sense override "feature", and I think that the gutter part is going a bit too far.
What is the worst that can happen?
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"asking toddlers to kiss each other on the lips and be boyfriend/girlfriends is way too much!!!!"
Again, cultural differences are at play. Many countries are way more "touchy/feely" than, to take one example, the US. It should not be assumed that this is weird in another when coming from another cultural context.
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well I think beancurd cleared up the sexy comment cultural issue....i.e. it is not appropriate in the Phillipines to use the word sexy on toddlers....the word is used to denote tart like, flirtatious behaviour.....ooooookay......
kissing on the lips between kids is cute and I've no problems with my DD kissing our friend's son on the cheek or giving them a hug, sometimes we even joke about perhaps they may end up together much later on BUT the troika of asking a child to kiss on the lips/ talking about being boyfriends/ need to be sexy for him is not appropriate here or anywhere else. Yes, I'd like to hear from the helpers that contribute to this forum as to whether this sort of thing is common in the Phillippines.....my maids tell me no!
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"it is not appropriate in the Phillipines to use the word sexy on toddlers....the word is used to denote tart like, flirtatious behaviour.....ooooookay......"
Our helper would disagree with that. She might very occasionally use the word sexy for some combination of clothing (until we asked her not to do that). There was no "adult sensuality" connotation whatsoever in her mind. She would never have asked kids to kiss on the mouth though.
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I am not sure of the relevance of whether all of this is acceptable in the Philippines or not, we are in HK and on top of that - who knows the culture of the parents and how they wish to raise their child. I think the parents need to be given the opportunity to be on notice of what is happening and make a decision from there. Unfortunately we are all busy at work and relying on helpers to take good care of our kids. Its a risk we take but it makes it easier knowing there are people like visitors out there that will go out of their way to make sure kids remain kids and are looked after properly.
Visitors, I think its great that you are making the effort to find the parents and just let them know. No harm, no foul just passing on information.
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I agree with the gutter thing ... if it was my child, then I would want to know. Who lets a child sit in a gutter where dogs can pee and poo, and where the child can easily run into the road. Especially when the maid is busy chatting on the phone ... it only takes a few seconds of turning your back for something bad to happen to a child. If you can track down the parents, I would most definitely mention what you have observed, but be prepared for the parents to not necessarily be thanking you ... they might take it as a criticism of their lack of parenting if, as you say, you have never seen the child with the parents. At least you will know, if something does happen to the child, that you did what you could and didn't just turn a blind eye.
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Yes please do....any mother will appreciate knowing if her kid is not in good hands. Please do so asap.
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hmm yah, u should do! it's a pity when we see something that we should act about it yet with hesitation to do the right thing 'coz we don't wanna meddle in family affairs of somebody else.
it is really bad when the helper seems didn't really cared so much the wellbeing of the child. & let her wonder around being helpless & pre-meditated by her trusted auntie to do such an act like that at her vulnerable age & the parents not knowing what was going on with there own kid when they are not around.
if the helper is a kinda like this, i think she, herself isn't matured enough or not having a good self-discipline, not having good behaviour which is a bad example for the child. you shall do what u supposed to do for the child's sake...
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I suggest if you see her at the club house again go to the staff manager and ask to get the contacts of the employer as you have witnessed the helper acting inappropriately on a number of occasions with the child. If they refuse, take a photo of the helper and start asking around. If you are in a place with its own forum (like DB) you could put a post there and ask if anyone knows a little girl by the name of 'janey' who is often at 'the blue playground' with a helper called 'anne' as you wish to speak to the parents about an important safety issue. If you see them out sometime, you could also (if you have the time) follow them to see roughly where they live. I wouldn't stand for that kind of thing going on under my nose and have butted in plenty of times before. I think for the most part, parents want to be told if the person they trust with their child isn't doing their job.
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Bruce94 - I guess you don't have children of your own.
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I managed to find out what floor and the name of the little girl yesterday but the parents are no where to be found. I assume the parents relies on the helper to take care of the little girl and it would take some time for the parents to make arrangement if they were to let this helper go. I am going to be discreet so that leaves the parents some time to make a decision. I am also considering putting a letter in the mailbox with my contact if I still can't find the parents. Yes, I feel nosey and a bit ridiculous as I am doing some sort of detective work but I am a parent and I am planning to go back to full time work in the near future and I would not want this to happen to my children.
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RA
14 yrs ago
Visitors....Kudos to you on being an alert mom and a good citizen. You could ask the building management for the contact number of the parents. Once again, the little girl is lucky to have you!
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I'm a working mum and I know I would definitely like to know. So, YES! If some kind stranger left a note in my mailbox with a phone number and short note what it's about, I'd definitely be appreciative of the stranger's effort. I have on one occasion eons ago received a personal phonecall from another helper about my helper's behaviour outside our home with our child and was definitely very grateful.
Good on ya Visitors! Nothing nosey or ridiculous about your effort.
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Unless the kid is in danger (ie a toddler walking unsupervised near a road), i would say mind your own business. Not sure what you mean by gutter - we don't have open sewers in HK - but kids getting dirty is quite a good thing as it builds up their defences. Of course the sexy comment is inapproriate but it sounds innocent. Yes, I do have kids of my own.
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Sorry, but I don't think this will turn out well.
One time we watched a lady throwing herself in front of cars trying to get hit and so we called the police. They came and hauled her off, but the next time my husband was out walking the dog, she pointed her finger at him and said, "It was YOU!"
People don't much like other people up into their business.
I know I am cynical, maybe I've lived here too long........
Where I come from, you can call Children Protective Services and get a social worker out immediately to investigate.
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LGMV getting a little bit dirty and not living in a sterile bubble where everything is alcohol swabbed is good for the immune system but being exposed to filth and unsanitary conditions is not. You only have to look at the third world to understand this. True Hk doesn't have open sewers but the gutters are pretty dirty with the washed up remains of dog urine, faeces and whatever else rubbish people choose to dump on the streets.
I doubt you would condone your children sitting around the gutters of the street!
Visitors, I for one think you have done a very civic minded thing, even if most people in this culture would prefer to look in the opposite direction when it comes to clear neglect of the child.
Also I very much doubt that the family of this child are paying the helper to chat on the phone ALL the time whilst minding her charge.....if so tell me where one can find one of those jobs!
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I finally ran into the employer last night. I told the mother what I saw and she really appreciated and apparently, there were 2 other neighbors told her similar stories. She said the helper is going home for good in a couple of months and so she is not going to let her go at this point and she will try to stay in town as much as possible. I feel so sorry for her and I am planning to go back to work at the end of the year and I hope my neighbors will continue watching out for each other.
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I second kamaole's comment. Visitors I would love for a person like you to care so much to do what you have done. Obviously the mum is aware but is stuck between a rock and a hard place....full time work and a helper who whilst not frankly terrible is neglectful and a little bit inappropriate...at least she is taking steps to rectify the situation.
Thanks for the update!
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Visitors, I really appreciate what you have done for the child and his mother. As a mother I would always want to know if my helper is treating my child appropriately. Being watchful in the neighbourhood is very important, good we have people like you. Thanks for sharing the concern and update. I am new in HK and hiring a helper for the first time for my 2yr old, such things obviously are a big concern.
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HK1
14 yrs ago
Well done - it's good to know that there are well meaning, good hearted people out there willing to take it on the chin that they may be referred to as meddling busy bodies, but nevertheless do the moral, right thing. I only wish there were more people like you and that there were less people out there willing to turn a cheek at inappropriate and/or bad actions of others!
Thank you!!!
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VLM
14 yrs ago
Visitors thank god for people like you. As a full time working mother of three very small children it is so nice to hear that there are people out there in hong kong who would be brave enough to step in when they see children being treated inappropriately. If we can all help to keep an eye on each other's children the world would be a much safer place.
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Good on you, visitors. i dont have children but i have nieces and nephews and would definately want to know. If i am in the same position as you i would certainly do the same and couldnt care less of being pin-pointed/ called names. i would refer to you as nosey, good hearted, helpful, friendly neighbour...and i thank you. i personally find HK neighbours are mostly not that friendly...or they are just too darn busy to say hello/ offer a smile.
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