New helper advice...

i'm a stay at home mum and enjoy bathing, feeding, putting my toddler to sleep etc etc. but my new helper keeps pushing herself to do these things! i've explained to her that i'm a hands on mum and is common in western culture for mums to do this type of work for their babies. and have clearly told her i would prefer to do this rather than her, but she still keeps asking if she can feed the toddler, put him to sleep - and looks upset when i say 'no, i'll do it'. it's getting annoying because i am feeling guilty when i know i shouldn't be! and even when i am doing these things, she sits right next to me! i don't have the heart to tell her to leave us alone and give us privacy because she is fantastic at her job and don't want to upset her. i have certainly tried very obvious hints, but its not working. anyone else have this problem, or am i just a control freak??! how can i tell her nicely??!

I think it's quite a common thing, but of course you are his mother and you want to do stuff. I am the same, I prefer to do these things with my son when I'm home, without having my helper hanging round. For me it's different as I work and part of it is that I feel guilty for not spending very much time with my son...


From experience I would suggest the following (I'm assuming that you trust her enough to leave her with your son, if not wait a while):


Draw up a schedule saying who will do the bedtime routine - you or your helper. Choose 2 nights a week when you will go out and leave it all to her. You can then fix a regular night out with friends, or a shopping trip, or see a movie, or go out with your partner, or go to the gym, anything out of the house. This will keep your helper happy (important), and keep you sane (also important - being at home with a toddler is exhausting). Also it will give your son some kind of routine to follow, he will know that Monday and Thursday are your nights out, for example, and that the helper is in charge while you are out.


Then the other nights are your nights - really, mark it down on a chart and stick it on the fridge - and by specifying this your helper will know that you do not need her help. Maybe this way everyone will be happy (you don't want your helper leaving in a tantrum as she was expecting to completely look after the baby, very common esp. in Chinese families - I have heard of one case when this happened to a very new mother, bit of a nightmare I should think).


You need to be firm. My helper used to flap around me when I was feeding my son saying oh, I do it this way, he likes this, doesn't like that, and it really annoyed me. We dealt with it by simply saying that 2 people could not do one task at the same time as it confused the boy and made him act up (true). Now we share the childcare - one of us does it, not both. If she does choose to hover, then I pointedly ignore her being there... It's best that at the start you schedule your 'evenings off' away from the house, but once you've got into the routine then you can stay home, but still let her take charge.


Worth a try, anyway...

thanks geiboyi that's great advice.


had a shocker today with her - noticed she had done an errand while i was out and she was babysitting my son. so i questioned whether she took him with her (i wrote in the document/contract she couldn't take him outside our building without our permission). and she said 'no mam, i left him here, he was sleeping'!!! i am still in shock she did that!!! omg!

that's bloody scary!

Forget the child getting out.....what if there was a fire or something???? Does she have an ounce of common sense? Even without something awful happening, if the little boy woke up early and nobody responded to him, he could have been terrified!


Geiboyi is right, you set the rules to suit your beliefs etc., there are plenty of helpers who are responsible for the housework to free mothers up to do the childcare. Sounds as if your helper needs to earn the right to babysit etc. though, by proving that she understands what you think is acceptable.

i think what i have learnt from this is that you can't presume anything!!! she is new, so i am keeping a watchful eye on her. another scary incident is that she was giving my son a bath, and left the bathroom to get something, leaving him by himself!! Luckily I was just in the living room and firmly told her not to do that ever again as in a few seconds he could drown.


i know she is sounding pretty bad, but we do like her, and i know she won't do these things again. but i am thinking i will have to write out a list of things she needs to be aware of in regards to the safety of my son. So thinking of other potential situations. eg don't give the child anything sharp/long like pens/pencils that can potentially poke him in the eye; don't let him play with fire/matches...i mean what else do i need to be specific about????

What else? EVERYTHING. You cannot afford to assume anything. It sounds like (as is the case in most helper situations here in HK) that the helper is from a totally different culture, and what may seem 'common sense' to you is different to her. It's stories like this that reinforce our comfort level with the decision not to employ a helper (no matter how attractive it seems occasionally) here in HK. Good luck with it.

I always think that a bit of Pavlov's classical conditioning works a treat.


Next time she tries to interfere or take over try this. Say to her "You obviously do not have enough work to do. I think the car needs washing again/ the fridge needs cleaning out". Once she realises that sticking her nose in gets her extra work, she'll soon butt out.

I think you really need to sit down with her and go through everything regarding your child i.e. never leave the child alone in the house even for a few minutes, never leave the child unattended in the bath, and explain the reasons why. As to your original post I don't think you should make a rota to give your helper 2 nights a week to bath your son, give him his tea etc. If you want to do it just tell her firmly that he's your child, and you will be his main carer, and that you employed her to do the housework, thus giving you more time to spend with you child, but there will be times when you need her for babysitting. I have never felt comfortable with a helper bathing my kids, and in the 8 years of having one the children have never been bathed by them. Even if we go out, we either do them before we go or they go to bed without one.

Each helper we've had (3) we've stressed right at the beginning that they are our children and our responsibility.

As to your current helper I think she needs to earn your trust before you leave your son with her alone again. Maybe watch her with him, and ask her question as shes doing things like what would you do if so and so happened? How would you cope in ? situation? etc.

i have sat down with her - almost like a performance review meeting with her! haha! in fact, having a helper is exactly like managing an employee...


anyways, i was upfront with her, and did the ole 'put the ball back in your court' and 'positive-negative-positive sandwich' trick to let her know what i don't like about her work. i said, i noticed you look upset when i don't let you feed my son, do you want me to explain why i am a hands on mum etc...you are a great worker and we are happy with you but when i feed/bathe my son i don't think we need two of us to do it...but don't worry you will have plenty of opportunities to do it when i need to go out etc etc. do you understand? anyway she accepted it and we were both happy at the end. i did mention in the beginning that i want us to have open communication etc etc, so i feel like i have done the right thing!


aghh, still not over the whole incident of her leaving the baby alone in the apartment...i can't decide whether she has no common sense or if its just a cultural difference on why she could do that.


thanks everyone for your advice and concerns!

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