Need urgent advice

I hired a filipino helper 6 years ago to look after my newborn daughter. She did not complete her contract. Two months before her contract was up, I fired her because she was too controlling since her 8th month with us.



I bumped into her 4 years later. We got reconnected. She still cared for my little girl, sending her gifts.


I became pregnant again and decided to rehire her, giving us another chance. This time around, because I asked her to come back, she became even more controlling and she's even hit my eldest daughter many times over the period of one month (from the time my second baby was born) I didn't know, my daughter didn't know it was wrong and I only found out when I saw her hitting my daughter. Much as we tried, it became clear it wasn't working so now 6 months later, I've started looking for a new helper again.


She found out about it because a helper we interviewed on Sunday saw my daughter with my helper, recognised her and told my helper. She cried saying she could not leave my daughters because she's bonded with her and begged for another chance.


Husband and MIL want to give her another chance. I was ready to hire an Indo from overseas already. Husband laid down all the rules with her and he says that if she blows it, he will support me 100% in rehiring. He tells me that she seems sincere and she won't stuff it up because if she did, nobody will hire her with such poor record of employment in HK. She has not finished 3 contracts already.


The past two days since then she's been really nice.


I'm a bit upset because I really like the indo from overseas (although I've never met her) and I really don't think my current helper will change.


I work though so training a new one is a problem but not sure how much a problem this is compared to keeping a controlling helper.


Any thoughts?

It is not easy to advise you what to do here, as your husband has already spoken to her, and will hopefully have made it quite clear that the helper does not smack your eldest daughter. It may be that both you and your husband have not been firm enough with your helper from the start, by laying down rules which you want her to adhere to, and with you both working she has taken too much control because of this.

Your eldest daughter may be being a little more difficult and a bit jealous of her baby sister, lots of children are at first and this is natural, she needs to know that she is still important and loved, maybe your helper doesn't understand this?

It is also possible that your helper likes babies but not older children.

Try to encourage your helper to give your older daughter as much attention so she doesn't feel neglected.

Always, when you and your husband come home from work, ask the helper how her day has been with the children, to make sure she can cope with 2 children and the housework, she may be having difficulty coping and that is why she sometimes hits your daughter. By asking she will know that you are keeping vigilant.

Only time will tell how things go, I hope for your sakes she changes for the good, and it stays that way, but you will have to remain firm with her to stop her over powering behaviour, and also ask your daughter how the helper has been with her.

I think if things don't work out, and you need to look for another helper take one that is highly recommended by someone you know, able to cope with children, or from a previous employer who is maybe leaving Hk and you can speak to.

Discaplining the children should be a joint effort agreed between the parents and helper, and as long as she knows her limits, and the children respect her as well then that would be ideal. Good luck.

I would never, never trust anyone who hits my child. Not being able to cope with 2 children is never an excuse for hitting a child. I had the same issue a few years back with a helper My eldest son who was then 4 years old told me she hit him with a stool. I didn't believe him, but then I saw bruises on my other son's legs (he was 6 months old) and I confronted her. She admitted it, cried for another chance but I terminated her on the spot as I was afraid of leaving my children with her and I had to work.

In my opinion, the fact you kept giving your helper another chance would make her feel indispensable, hence more controlling. If you keep her, be prepared for the possibility of more "controlling" behaviour, and of course since you're on to her hitting your children, she'll be more careful to hide it.

I agree with toshibaxxx. I think you should fire her right away.

I think the fact that she can't complete 3 contracts plus your original one, so in total 4 contracts speaks to a larger problem. Helpers in general are very emotional so I would not put too much credence into crying and dramatics when making my decision to keep or fire. I would base the decision solely on the indiscretion.


I do not use corporal punishment on my child and would fire any carer who did with immediate effect, but as Susie1 points out punishment is to be decided by the parents and not anyone else.


Just from observing employer-employee relationships here, I'm continuously surprised by why helpers are kept on despite fairly untoward behaviour, perhaps it is the fear of the unknown (the next one might be worse), the feeling that the behaviour is not too bad, or just the 'can't be bothered' to search for another helper. I think by cutting helpers lots of slack, is how we end up with unhappy tales on websites like these....usually red flags are all over the place, but the employer copes, makes excuses ect until the dam bursts.

My two cents, I would not keep her. Get someone new in who doesn't hit your daughter. Irrespective of whether she is stressed and under the pump, taking out your frustrations on a defenceless child is not acceptable.

Dear GemmaW,


I felt quite alot has been spoken and therefore i shall not add more of the same topic.


I just wondered if you have ever thought to prepared a list of house rules for the helper?


Reason, if any one is married, they will know integrating into a family is tough. Not to mentioned working intimately and closely more than 12hours a day within the confined space of a HK apartment for a family.


We took great care to welcome our helper, while listing down a detailed house rules of expectations, suggested schedules, routines and things we will fire the helper for. We also took pains to quickly rectify and show how we like things to be done if we have not been clear previously.


To confess it did not work out all the time, since our helper is very experience and have her own way of doing some stuffs . But i guess, we need to do our small part and also think clearly abut what is good to have and what is a must haves.


If we have not been clear before, we should. And she can accept or decline politely. If she declines, and she can share a reasonable explanation, we might learn something new. I guess reasoning is preferred to imposing a top-down expectation. And she has to know, she is paid to do certain things in certain way as that is job requirement.


my 2cents worth.

Cimigol,


In regards to your question whether I ever thought of house rules? My answer is yes, I gave it to her when she started a year ago. And your question about suggested schedule, yes I gave it to her also, including suggested meals for my eldest daughter. I told her that she could discuss with me if she felt anything was not achievable. I went through each point with her including the one about hitting.


Anyway thanks for your feedback. The feedbacks I received from all the posts were really helpful at the time and since then I accepted that I'd give her another chance.