Should I inform my friend or not

My friend , a working mom with 2 children under the age of 3, has 2 helpers. They are mother and daughter.

I had been knowing that she was having problems with her helpers, the daughter was threatening to leave every 3 weeks. My friend had chats with the mother but, only got replies " I don"t know what to do, I lived away from her..."


My friend who is very fond of her helpers, since she did not want the daughter to quite, she would leave work early and come home to discuss or, she would let them take days off for mother/daughter bonding.


Recently, the mother helper contacted me and asked if any of my friends are looking for help as she wants to leave, so I asked her, is it for your daughter, is she looking for another job? She laughed at me saying "My daughter is just waiting for her visa for Canada, as soon as she goes, I'm leaving them." I have declined her request and told her that her employer has high thoughts of them. Since that moment, I have been categorized a "bad employer."


My friend does not know all this. she has good faith in her helpers and taking their problems seriously. My friend does not know that the mother helper is also doing part time jobs. My friend does not know that when she is not around, her helpers are very misbehaving, when they come around for the kids to do their play dates, I am the one that has to clean up their nappies, food, entertain the kids while they are sitting on the sofa day dreaming or on the phone, they go around my house picking up things and valuing things.


Long story short, if I was the employer, I would have terminated the contract. I really wonder why my friend has good faith in them when they are being so ungrateful behind her back?


At the same time, I have learnt the golden rule the hard way, never interfere with other people's helper business, and I have kept my silence up to now.

But now that the helpers have made a direct move, should I inform my friend?

i would tell my friend BUT in an indirect, casual way...


example - try to start a conversation with your friend about anything and everything about the sun... then move on to helper issues and topics but keep it light, then you could sort of mention it in passing like "oh i was having a chitchat with your maid the other day, and she said something about her daughter waiting for her canadian visa to be approved" .


don't dwell on the topic just casually drop the bomb, then say something about oh how you know several other friends' whose dh is just waiting for their visas to work in another country, and you can continue on as saying - if i was in her shoes i would probably do the same canada is a great place blah blah blah


you get my drift...


you can tell her as casually as your other normal conversations with her without dropping the whole atomic bomb on her which in turn may cause her to disbelieve you.

btw - the edit function does not work...


i would like to add -don't expect for her to immediately react, it may be sometime before the information sinks. just let her digest the info in her own time and pace move on to other topics. you've delivered the news, now it's none of our business with whatever she wants to do with the information given to her.

Your friend is at risk of losing two helpers, daughter to Canada and mother looking for another job, if she knew , you knew in advance she could be quite upset you didn't mention anything to her, plus if they went without much notice it could leave her in a bit of a mess. She needs to know exactly what is going on so she can do some forward planning herself.

HI everyone, thank you so much!! It's given me courage. In my early days in HK, I got caught in a fight between the employer and helper that I lost a friend and was really effected by that situation and since then, I have been telling myself, each household has it's own way of functioning so keep my bug mouth out of it but, I just could not let this go.

Will have coffee with her in the next 2,3 days, will start from the Easter holidays and then soft land the bomb!!



Once again, thank you so much!!

.....when they come around for the kids to do their play dates, I am the one that has to clean up their nappies, food, entertain the kids while they are sitting on the sofa day dreaming or on the phone, they go around my house picking up things and valuing things.......


I'm not too sure what sort of relationship you have with these two helpers. Obviously they don't see you as an employer and as a co-conspirator or a helper to them! I have never had a helper wander around my house whilst I was in there and touch my things, and if that ever happened, she would be straight out the door.


Secondly, I would have asked the helpers to get with the program if they left my friend's child in a nasty nappy, rather than change it myself! Entertaining the children and supplying the snacks I do and it's part of being a host, but I would definitely have said something before this point in time if they were lounging about my home in front of me chatting away on the phone.


I agree with all the above posters. Better to speak up before your friend is left high and dry with two children and a full time job.

let us know how it all went down with your friend :)

Hi all, thank you for your inputs, will talk to her tomorrow. I think Cara's idea of the bomb will be a great one! Will let you know. the out come!

you know your friend better than we do... so it's your call as to which approach would better work for your friend

ok, have told her. Good part was, she already kind of had the idea that both were getting ready to leave. Was very upsetting for her but, in the end, she was glad to know it. She is now thinking of how to manage the situation.


I really admired the way she took the news and how she dealt with it, was really great to know another part of my friend.

that's good news.


if i was your friend, i would serve both helpers with an immediate termination notice and give them whatever is owed to them i.e. one month salary, cheap air ticket etc. no more sit-down, heart to heart talks.


this would surprise the both of helpers but then again they do deserve it because they've been sneaky about their intentions in the first place

I agree with Wiz Bang.