Posted by
Sapphire
13 yrs ago
We've recently employed our new full-time helper, who we are more than happy with. She does her job very well, she's polite and respectful, and generally a very nice person to have around ... no complaints at all (as such)!
She came from another family on recommendation. I knew, that with this other family, she had all her food/meals provided by them, and I was more than happy to continue to do the same. My cupboards/fridge/freezer are always full and I've told her she is welcome to help herself to anything at anytime(but she doesn't seem to!). I sometimes take her shopping and tell her to put into the trolly anything specific that she likes to eat, although she pretty much enjoys whatever we eat.
It is my understanding that she always ate dinner at the table with her previous employers. They had two helpers, one of whom did all the cooking, so our helper never had to cook. However, I did explain to her that my husband often works late and as our kids are now grown up and at university, I tend to wait for my husband to come home and eat later with him. I told her that she can eat her dinner whenever she likes, rather than waiting until late when we eat. However, to be polite I did also say that she was welcome to eat with us if she didn't mind eating so late, but to be honest, I really expected her to choose to eat earlier (silly me!).
I'm now in a bit of a predicament. From the start, she told me that she can't cook, which didn't bother me as I choose to do all of my own cooking anyway as it is something I really enjoy, and I told her that I wouldn't expect her to cook for us (except on very rare occasions). I now find myself in the situation where I am also doing all of her cooking and she never chooses to do her own meals, except when we go out.
Mealtimes, for us, used to be a time when we would sit down together at the end of the day and talk (sometimes discuss things which we wouldn't want to discuss in front of our helper). We like to spend our time over a meal and not rush up from the dinner table as soon as the meal is over. At weekends (Fri/Sat), if we're not going out, I would often do something really special for the two of us to eat (or the four of us when the kids are home). Now I find I'm doing it for the helper too!! We seem to have no private/family time at all anymore. I can't wait for Sundays to arrive so that we can have time on our own again.
I'm not saying that I never want her to eat with us at the dinner table, but just occasionally, say Fri/Sat, it was be nice to have a meal alone with my husband. I'm not being mean or anything, there's plenty of nice food for her to choose from, but at the times when I do decide to splash out on some 'luxury' ingredients for a 'special' meal, I really don't want to be doing it for the helper as well. Am I being unreasonable?
Part of my problem is I'm too nice ... friends are always telling me this! Now I positively cringe at the thought of telling my helper that we want to eat alone occasionally ... How the hell do I do it without offending her, which is the last thing I want to do?! I know It's my own fault, it wouldn't have been so bad had I mentioned this right from start, but now, after a few weeks, I feel really bad about it.
One other little thing which has been irritating me slightly, is that she always seems to 'be around'. It's not that we live in a small place, we don't, we have plenty of room. Even when I'm sure that there's nothing for her to do, whenever she hears me walk into the living room/kitchen etc., she suddenly appears as if by magic!lol I've even told her that anytime she's finished her jobs and she feels like a break, she's more than welcome to pop out if there's anything she wants to do herself. I've also provided her with a 'kitty', so if there's any supplies she wants to go out and buy for herself she can ... but she doesn't!
I know it's a learing curve having someone else live in your home, and I'm sure I'll get used to it ... eventually! But how do others overcome the problems I seem to be facing ... or is it just me?
Sorry for the long post!! Appreciate any advice you guys can offer! Thanks!!
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Do you really need a live in helper? it sounds like she is starting to 'bug you', lack of privacy and all that!
We had a live in helper once and did the silly thing of allowing her to eat with us at first, I did all the cooking, shopping, and she liked that! nice steaks, lovely curries, sometimes expensive cheeses to follow a meal, everything my husband and I liked.this went on for some months. My husband and I could only have a limited conversation at the table. As the months went by she started to take too many liberties, damn right cheeky in fact.
Then, she started to help herself of anything she likes out of our fridge and freezer, especially when we went on vacation, we would find the thing virtually empty when we got back, not even a loaf of bread.
After one vacation we came back, and found that she had taken other things out of our bedding and clothes cupboards, I saw her sister who works nearby with one of my dresses on. She took it upon herself that being allowed to be part of 'the family" she had the right to lend things out to other family members she had working here as FDH's.
We eventually told her, that because my husband travels a lot on business, and i didn't have to always cook, that we would change our plan of eating, we told her she was to have an amount above the recommended food allowance, which we made her sign for, and that in future, she would provide all her own food out of that. She did provide some of her food after that, but still kept raiding our cupboards not just food, we ended up dismissing her, it got so stressful having her around.
If you have no young children at home,don't work, and you do the cooking, and shopping, then you have probably got the wrong type of help. There are plenty of agencies providing cleaners, who can probably clean your house a lot quicker than she does, and will leave you in privacy, at the end of the hours they are at your home, with no body following you around your home.
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KrisL
13 yrs ago
May I ask why you need a full time live in helper? Surely with no kids at home you would only need at the most a part time helper?
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Thank you all for your comments. However, I asked for advice about a particular problem that I need to overcome with my helper. There are reasons why we have chosen to take on a full-time helper, which I do not wish/need to divulge here. People who have young children at home are not the only families who have the need for full-time help, there are many reasons why people choose to do this, and our decision wasn't taken lightly.
Cara, thanks for the one constructive piece of advice, I'll try to take it on board!
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HKM3
13 yrs ago
Hi Sapphire,
I think that you should be polite, but clear to say that you enjoy spending time alone with your husband, and would prefer to eat alone. This is understandable. I think that you should suggest that she cooks for herself, and provide her a food allowance to enable her to do so. It's quite doubtful that she can't cook to feed herself. By not providing the food allowance you'll open up another area of trouble - she'll eat anything she wants from your kitchen. (It's up to you to establish boundaries - this is an employee, not a family member.) I provide a food allowance, but also buy certain basics (eggs, milk, bread, etc.) to ensure that a helper truly eats. (That said I had a helper quit after 3 days when she realized that I wasn't planning to cook and feed her - she had a complete breakdown over this - despite being told during the interview that part of the job requirement was to find time to prepare her own food.)
What might be helpful is if your buy a TV with cable (and subscribe to whichever channel is that of her nationality) for her room.
You never know, she may think that it is your preference that she eats with you, and that she is trying not to offend you, and may be relieved to eat separately.
Good luck.
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I am a Chinese lady with Western thinking since I have lived away from HK for the last 30 years. My recommendation is to get rid of her now, before probation...when something is not feeling right it only means it is not right. Sorry to be abrupt in life, it is the only way to have a peaceful living in HK, Linda
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It's sounds to me like you can give her some kitchen tasks and tell her you really want to have some quiet with your husband at the end of the day. She will understand, but you have to tell her! She cannot read your mind. Gently say that you very much enjoy just the 2 of you deating together and what would she prefer to eat early or late perhaps in her own room. My own helper preferred to finish her days work and then eat dinner last so she could eat slowly and not get up anymore afterthat. This is all about communication! You can do it, just try....
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shem
13 yrs ago
Why don't you just ask her to dine out with her friends whenever you want to eat in private with you family and ask her to wait for your call when you want her back home. Just be honest and tell her that there are times that you would want to have some private talk with your family and you don't want them to feel embarass in front of other people.
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321
13 yrs ago
Just as HKM3 suggested, just tell her.
Having a helper is supposed to improve the quality of life and not make you feel you are limited in you own home and with your own time.
As suggested she might actually be relieved.
Good luck.
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Thank you all for the more helpful comments than most of those I'd had previously. I'm simply going to have to take the bull by the horns and tell her, in the nicest possible way, that we would prefer to eat alone and could she sort out her own dinner earlier in the evenings.
Like madtown says, I am more than happy with my helper, why on earth Linda Laau suggests that I should get rid of her, just because of this particular issue, which I'm sure we will overcome, is beyond me?
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Sapphire, tell everything you want her to now so she knows whats the rule. like everyone comment its your house, and ask her to take rest early so you have privacy, Good luck.
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Hi Sapphire,
I agree with Cara. Great advice.
Whilst this comment is not helpful to your situation, I just wanted to applaud you on the way that you have handled some not so helpful comments on this thread. Well done!
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Curious to know how you got on Sapphire.....
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Or, blame it on the hubby. Tell her that he isn't comfortable eating with another non-family member. Once a while like when he goes out with friends, he doesn't mind, but not daily because he prefers quality family time. I told mine to eat with us also but she preferred not to and my husband said, luckily she chose not to because he'd love to sit with just the kids and me so that we could enjoy some family time together.
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I have been in the exact same situation, and believe me, I have learned things the hard way. Sapphire, you seem like a really really nice person.--too nice in fact for your own benefit.
My two cents is: You are the employer she is the hired help. You call the shots. You are not being ruthless or anything, you are just exercising your RESPONSIBILITY as the employer to set the ground rules in the house. (it took me a while to be comfortable with this. But it had to be done.)
I realized, our new helper doesnt know because we don't tell them. She is new in your house, as it is, she is second guessing what you like and don't like. The earlier you tell her the house rules, the better, as they can (and will) abuse your kindness and generosity in the future.
Here are some suggestions regarding the issues you have brought up:
1.) Food and eating - give her a simple cookbook, give her her food allowance and ask her to cook her meals. You are not in any obligation to change your schedule to accommodate hers. She should cook her own meals at least, or give her the left overs. She cannot be picky --- she cannot cook.
2.) Privacy - The line that actually worked for me is: "...if you are finished with your chores, you can relax and do your own thing, (you can go to your room --- if applicable) I will call you when I need you. Thank you..."
If she is always tailing you around the house, tell her again, "I will call you when I need you. Thank you."
( If I really want my space, I send her to Park n Shop and/or the market to buy groceries and stuff.-- and tell her take her time and no need to rush back.)
3.) Weekends - give her Friday night off and return Saturday night, so you can cook something special for hubby and enjoy each others company without a third person breathing the same air in the house.
Hope this helps.
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Some great advice in these last few posts, thank you all!
zhamr - I see your point entirely, and no, if I was a company manager, I wouldn't expect my staff to eat in my office everyday. But they wouldn't be living in my home either, so the situation is a bit different.
tommytommy - thanks!
GemmaW - your commet amused me ... blame my husband!LOL Now why didn't I think of that instead of stressing myself?!
cara - that's pretty much how I found myself in this situation ... first couple of nights she was standing up in the kitchen eating. As I knew that she used to eat at the table with her previous employer (the only other employer she's had experience with, so I guess she thought things would be the same with us?), I felt really guilty, so offered for her to join us. At the time, I didn't really think about the long term situation, and obviously every family has different wants/needs ... I realise now that what suited her previous employer doesn't suit us.
dandelionpup - It's good to hear from someone who has been in the exact same situation. I'm sure she's capable of cooking herself basic meals like stir fry etc, as she did it one night when we went out. Otherwise, there are always leftovers in the fridge/freezer for her to help herself to if she doesn't want to cook. I actually don't think she likes preparing her own stuff in the kitchen if we are at home. When I employed her, I said we would provide all her food and she can help herself to whatever she want's (she is not greedy and certainly doesn't take advantage of what's available), so she doesn't have a food allowance as such. Although, when she comes shopping with me, I let her go off with a trolly to add anything she particualarly likes ... however, she never takes advantage of this and chooses very little ... I guess because she's expecting a nice meal cooked by me every evening!!LOL
The final straw was earlier this week when I went out for the day and knew that I wouldn't be home until around 8pm, so I told her to sort her own dinner out earlier, or have the previous night's leftovers out of the fridge, and I would sort hubby out later when he got home. I arrived home at the same time as hubby and started to prepare his dinner (just something quick/simple), assuming she had eaten ... only to find out she hadn't bothered!! But I was damned if I was going to offer to prepare anything for her.
Anyway, the situation as it stands at the moment, is that I've decided Fri & Sat nights she's got to start sorting her own meals out. I've told her that we will do our own thing ... sometimes we'll eat out, or sometimes I might prepare a meal, just for us, if we are staying in. I've told her that she can relax on those evenings and I will let her know if I need her, or unless we are having guests for dinner etc.
I still need to have a word with her about not constantly being 'around', and will take your advice and tell her that once she's finished her chores, she can relax and do her own thing and let her know if I need her.
Thanks again for all the great advice!
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Good luck Sapphire, I hope she doesn't 'bite the hand that feeds her", you are obviously new to having a helper, and I hope you don't have to learn your lessons the hard way, like many rookie employers of helpers do. She is not a child, who needs to be looked after, she should be helping look after you, that is her job, a helper.
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We got our helper a table for her room where she eats her meals at a time of her choosing. Rather than have her eat with the family. The helper liks this arrangement too as she can be herself and not have to be around teh boss at all times.
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What on earth is going on with all the advice you seem to be getting.
Tell her you are the employee and she should eat in either her room or the kitchen.
You have been far too nice.
1. What are you doing offer her carte blanche to your kitchen? Is she gonna be helping her stuff to any, if any, organic food you have in your fridge? Organic is at least double the price of regular stuff...
2. DO NOT get her a TV with cable in her room. She is not allowed it. Are you empoloying someone to do their job or here to have fun too. Does your husband's boss provide him with TV and time off during his job to chill...?
3. DO NOT provide your helper with a table to sit with you during your dinner... Family time is family time..
Get a grip of yourself and am not saying be a tight a** with your helper but be an employer not her friend.. She will take you for granted - as you can see you are doing her job..
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aniltou----whilst I don't agree with very soft treatment for helpers, they are human beings not bloomin slaves. There should be respect from both sides, helper and employer, each needs their own space.
Helpers are not at the beckoned call of employers all hours, they deserve and need some rest, and should be able to finish their work after the employer has eaten in the evening.
Why shouldn't they have a TV? to watch and enjoy after a hard days work, and there is nothing wrong with them having a table or tray table if their room is small?, to sit in their rooms, relax, eat their meal and watch TV. When we had a helper we did provide her with a TV, and a recorder which also played her DVD's, and she could do her own karaoke.She was effectively off duty, to do her own thing, after 7.30 each evening.
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- If the OP wants to employ a helper, that is her prerogative. Just because she doesn't "need" one doesn't mean it is not a luxury she can allow herself. We are many years from the kids moving out but I wouldn't mind a helper once we get there. I really don't like cleaning, our helper makes amazing food and gives us more time for other pursuits.
- Some helpers have every meal with the family. Some do it on special occasions. Some never do it. Depends on your family and your helper. There are no right or wrong answers. As long as there is respect both ways. A helper eating with the family does not mean that the employer-employee relationship has broken down!
- Remember that a helper is an employee, and it is your rules in your house. However you should still be civil, and there is certainly room for warmth and affection in the relationship. So long as everyone remembers who is employer and employee.
- "One other little thing which has been irritating me slightly, is that she always seems to 'be around'." As others have said, have a chat and explain when you want some privacy. Good communication is essential. Your house, your rules.
- @aniltou "DO NOT get her a TV with cable in her room.". Why not? When she is "off" she is still in your house. Why forbid her some entertainment. I'm not saying you must provide a TV, but it is a nice thing to do. "Does your husband's boss provide him with TV and time off during his job to chill...?" Apples and oranges. The husband does not live at work like a helper.
As usual, I recommend the book "Hiring and Managing Domestic Help".
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while i disagree with mich of what aniltou said (and especially her tone), i do agree to not provide a TV
- for a starter, we do not have a TV either
- secondly i do not think it's a good and healthy way to use your downtime
- better provide her free access to your shelves full of books at home
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It is her downtime. It is not really the place of the employer to tell the employee what she should or should not do in her downtime.
How would you feel if your boss told you what you should and should not do on your free time?
If you don't want to provide a TV that's fine, but it should not be because you want to control what she does on her free time.
As I see it, as long as it is legal and doesn't affect the household negatively, a helper should be able to do whatever she pleases when she is off. Just like the rest of us.
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rakedavids - I think that you calling me an idiot is totally uncalled for! Just because, as a new employer to a domestic helper, I am asking for advice on how to deal with a situation that I have not had to deal with before, does not make me an idiot. On the contrary, I think that it is you who is the idiot for making such a pathetic, childish statement in the first place, you need to grow up! So, you treat your helpers well, do you? ... Good for you!! ... I think that goes for many others here too. And I think that you will find many 'dumb gweilos', as you like to put it, who like to treat their helpers generously, without being taken full advanatage of, but being respected instead as a good employer, and in return gaining respect from their helper.
I suggest that, in future, unless you have any helpful comments to make on these boards, simply don't bother ... I'm sure no one is interested in your childish rants.
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I think it;s not advisable to keep her anymore and besides you can talk to her in a nice way , that you don;t need a full helper as your 2 two sons is in University already and besides she don;t cook so what;s the used of keeping her , you can just get a parttime to do the cleaning, ironing and washing as least in that way after she finished everything she can leave your and both of you can enjoy your privacy....
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Sapphire, have you had time to sit down and have a proper chat with your new helper? It may be helpful to spend some time to fully understand her situation with the previous employer. Maybe she isn't able to cook western food but I would think that she should be able to cook her own (filipino) food for herself? (Perhaps her previous employer didn't like her cooking filipino food (i know of stories where some employers don't like the "smell") and so she is shy about shopping for those ingredients for herself?
Actually, not all helpers like to eat with their employers. (Personally I hate eating with my boss too and try to avoid "work lunches" as much as possible!) In our household, when we go out for dinner as a family, my helper always asks to stay at home (we invite her along but she usually declines) as she prefers to eat at home in peace and quiet. Also she gets to cook filipino food for herself, which she likes as a change from the usual western/chinese menu that we eat at home.
About the expensive foods, I don't think it's necessarily "mean" not to want to share everything with your helper. Sometimes I buy really expensive chocolates that I don't even want to share with the husband! For us, my son eats a lot of fruits and we spend quite a bit of money buying things like organic raspberries, Japanese grapes etc that I would not give to the helper. (Luckily our helper is also very discreet and while she shares most of our food, she does not help herself to our fruits.) I do feel a bit bad at times about this but then I and my husband don't even eat some of the fruits that I give to my son, so it's not discrimination per se, just general "stinginess" maybe! I get around the "guilt" by giving her a rolling budget (around HK$500 in the kitty) that allows her to buy whatever is needed (filipino food for her own meals when we eat out, her fruits snacks etc, as well as household items), taxi money etc. When it's depleted (falls below HK$100), she gives me the receipts and I top up the kitty.
(Btw HK$500 works for us b/c I buy the meats and most household things since I drive and it's easier to lug the heavy items. But if the helper's the one buying most things for the house, it may be practical to increase the amount so you're not constantly replenishing. Groceries are so expensive these days!)
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My helper takes advantage of my niceness - I've pretty much found out that everyone will take advantage of niceness no matter who it is (even those that I work with well)
So beware!
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I can't quite understand why some people think I should get rid of my helper. She's a great helper and I don't think I could have wished for anyone better ... she's polite and well mannered, she's respectful, and she does her work really well. The only issues that I had were basically caused due to my own lack of experience with live-in helpers. It's been a learning curve. I also decided to take on a full-time helper for my own personal reasons, which are nothing to do with anyone else.
I'm sure that, for most first time employers of domestic helpers, there's a period when you have to get to know each other, to know each others ways, to know how to handle having someone else live in your home. I guess most of us learn from our mistakes ... you realise that what you started off doing, doesn't quiet work out, or doesn't fit in with your family ways, and so things need to be changed.
I did finally sit down with my helper and explained to her that now we had had a few weeks to get to know each other, I realised that our family probably had different wants/needs compared to the family that she used to work for. I told her that I was very happy with her work, but also explained that I didn't expect her to feel that she needed to be doing something every second of the day and insisted that when she had finished her regualar daily chores, the rest of her time was her own time to relax and I would let her know if I needed her for anything. I also explained that, as we eat dinner rather late, I didn't think it was fair for her to be eating so late with us (she was used to eating earlier with her previous employer, which suited them) and then having to do all the cleaning up afterwards, which meant she would be working much later than I expect/want her to do. As we like to have our 'private' time during/after dinner, I suggested that she eat earlier, either cooking for herself or using any of the pre-cooked food I have in the freezer, as I always cook extra portions. Our dishes can then be cleared away into the dishwasher (which she doesn't like using!!), rather than her having to wash them, and all she needs to do is put them away next morning.
So far, so good. I feel much happier about the situation now, and feel like I've regained control of my own home again!
Thanks to all of you who gave me some very helpful advice on how to handle the situation ... it was very much appreciated.
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Well done Sapphire ..... your message can be a shot in the arm for many employers ... It proves again that a patient , understanding and thorough dialogue is the key to good communication and outcome .Congrats !
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pines
13 yrs ago
kit930...i eat with my employers....what's wrong if employers eat with their helpers?hey kara930.
sapphire ...perhaps if you'll give your helper , food allowance which i am for sure what she wanted,perhaps she'll cook her own food or dine out..
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and the award for the best advice goes to.....linda laau!!!!LOL..
i just cant help laughing...westernized huh??and to rakedavids, maybe you are taking advantage to your helpers thats why theyre doing the same on u.."dumb gweilos" u called are those who know how to treat their helpers as employees not slaves!!!!
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As the (tweaked) old saying goes,
'You can take Linda out of China but you can't take China out of Linda'
Well done Sapphire. You handled the situation elegantly!
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Posted by madtown (14 days ago)
linda,
did you read the first sentence/paragraph of her post? She said she is more than happy with her helper. With all due respect, your thinking might not be as western as you think.
Good one madtown. Lol.
Well done Sapphire. Now tell her to get a life and stop following you around. joking. :)
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Thanks everyone ... I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders!
Just one question regarding this following comment from 'pines', a domestic helper ...
"perhaps if you'll give your helper , food allowance which i am for sure what she wanted,perhaps she'll cook her own food or dine out"
What are people's real thoughts on this (especially domestic helpers themselves)? Do helpers prefer their own food allowance, or do they prefer to be supplied with all their food by their employers? My helper is eating exceptionally well, I can't imagine, even if she could afford it on a monthly food allowance, that she would buy the kinds of foods that she's getting for free at the moment. Or do they not really care and would prefer their own allowance to to buy whatever they want. Just wondering if I've done the right thing offering to supply all her foods ...?
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Don´t think there is a general answer to that question.
We offered both options to our helper - 1) to get a food allowance or to 2) be a part of the daily household and eat/drink same as the rest of us. She chose the 2nd option and thats fine with me. I never made an actual calculation on the economy (what solutions benifits who) and we never experienced any problems with our solution.
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@Sapphire: "What are people's real thoughts on this (especially domestic helpers themselves)? Do helpers prefer their own food allowance, or do they prefer to be supplied with all their food by their employers? "
I think it depends on the helper.
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Our helper eats all of our food because I think she likes it and it's more convenient to have one pantry rather than 'ours and hers'. She has plenty of her own condiments and buys some bizarre things that I'm not really interested in eating (she developed a taste for chicken feet with her last employer!) but otherwise she eats the same stuff as us unless she doesn't like it or if I buy pork.
Another issue some people might find is that whether you give your helper the basic $740 per month or $2000, she'll probably eat the same thing and send more money home. You might find you think you're giving her freedom of choice but find she's living on 2 minute noodles and just think what that would do for her health, energy levels and general wellbeing.
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i guess this situation must need a face to face talking,just tell her nicely what you want then I'm sure she will understand if you instruct her carefully. There will be changes in her routine but the good relationship and the good feeling towards her will not change. You are the Boss you must now well,and she being your helper knows where she stands. Goodluck!
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If you are finding that you are not needing her around so much during the day and you want to encourage her to cook for herself have you thought about sending her on some cooking courses? Town Gas, YWCA etc have some great cooking classes and maybe she could then occassionally have a meal ready for you when you are home late. It gives her something to do and up-skills her at the same time. As for the food allowance - if she is more than happy to eat what you eat then I would leave it at that. As adele78 says she would probably eat a less nutritious diet if fending for herself.
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seijime ... I suggest you re-read my posts fully ... the situation has been resolved satisfactorily, on both sides, thank you.
Fikiwii ... thanks for the suggestion, it's something to think about, although she is very interested in learning and has been watching me cook various different meals, constantly asking questions and is genuinely eager to learn how to do it herself ... so there is hope!:-)
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I'm so glad to hear you've had a great outcome!
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Tune
13 yrs ago
Apparently poverty is on the increase, and some would say that: in the time it has taken me to write this, a number of children have passed on due to not having the essential basics for life.
Since you asked, I'll give you my penny's worth: get a life, get real and get with it.
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Tune - If you have time on your hands to waste, looking at posts that obviously have no relevance to you whatsoever, then I suggest it is you who needs to 'get a life'!
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Tune
13 yrs ago
Perhaps; however, 'Appreciate any advice you guys can offer! Thanks!!'
Well that was mine- digest it at your eclectic table.
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Well, had you bothered reading the latest posts, you would have noted that the situation had been resolved satisfactorily and I was no longer in need of your helpful advice. Sorry you wasted your time!
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Tune
13 yrs ago
Ohhh, I don't know. Given the nature of things that seem to turn your world upside down , I'm sure you'll be in need of further enlightenment at some point.
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yon
13 yrs ago
I am bringing in a live-in helper soon. I've had few great long term helpers who cooked for us. They will usually take a small portion of our food that was cooked or make a separate dish if they wanted. Now that the new helper will have more time in her hands, I'm planning to have her cook a separate food for her and me (something simple with meat and veggie) and something more fancier for kids and hubby. (especially since one of my three kids is on all natural/organic diet which I don't even use for me much) I don't think I can afford to feed the whole family let alone an extra person this kind of diet.
So like it or not, that's the way it will be. But of course everyday will be different. If she bought some fish she liked to cook on her own for herself, i'll probably eat something else. Sometimes it's what works with the family than what is preferred by the helper.
But I'm glad you are learning to take more control of your household. It's hard being a first time "household employer" and with your helper being "new", you being only the second employer, she will be kind of clueless.
Just let her know EXACTLY what you want/need for the house and how it should be run. set boundaries and rules. This way she knows exactly what is expected of her and what she can/cannot do. I've had so many helpers and a lot of them newish and alot of them so experienced, many not so great, many so amazing!
I hope you'll eventually find a good medium in how to handle helpers/employees.
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Tune - my world is firmly the right way up. You don't know me, yet you assume so much. One glitch, which has now been rectified. Perhaps your own little world is slightly askew and you don't like to think anyone else's could be better. These boards are generally for people who can offer helpful, constructive advice ... you are simply being sarcastic, which is neither helpful or constructive.
yon - "It's hard being a first time "household employer" and with your helper being "new", you being only the second employer, she will be kind of clueless."
She is hardly 'new', having already worked in HK for 4 years. And she is far from 'clueless'. She is, in fact, an excellent helper in every way, and the issue that I had a problem with has now been sorted. So, no worries!
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Tune
13 yrs ago
Ha! Ok. Thanks for showing your diametrical personality. I'll say no more on this matter.
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truehkwoman - It is irrelevant where the person is from! What she is, or isn't doing has nothing to do with where she is from.
I kept typing my answer, but then I realized it would fail on filtered eyes and ears so it's a waste of time.
By the way I share my meals, my beer and my money with people from SEA every day of my life and know for a fact your need to open your eye and ears.
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truehkwoman - "It seems Sapphire's helper is trying to take advantages of her. She is hired by Sapphire. She is not a guest."
Again, let me clarify ... My helper is NOT taking advantage of me!! She only ate dinner at my table because, when I first employed her, that was how I decided to do things. Basically, because that's what she did with her previous employer (I know this for fact as I discussed various things with her previous employer), that's how I decided to proceed. After a few weeks I realised it was not working for my family but didn't know how to broach the subject without offending her. Yes, she is my employee and it is up to me how things are done in my own home, but at the same time she is a decent person and I like to treat people the way I expect them to treat me ... with respect. It makes no difference who they are, or where they come from.
After taking some very helpful advice from various people on how to deal with the matter, the situation has now been resolved and my helper takes her meals in her own room earlier than the rest of the family ... she is happy and we are happy ... no advantage being taken!
truehkwoman - "Under Sapphire's case, I would just hire the part time helper."
With all due respect, you have no idea of my family circumstances, our needs and requirements ... a part-time helper would not be suitable for us in our current situation.
truehkwoman - "In fact, she does not have the rights sitting on the same table and listen personal conversation or share the meals. She is working, she is not a family member."
As far as this comment is concerned I do agree with it in part. I won't go as far as to say that she has no right to sit at the employers table ... if she was invited to do so, as my helper was, then she has every right. However, for my family, we didn't feel comfortable having her there, listening to 'personal conversations' ... which turned out not to be so personal as we seemed to stop communicating with each other as we would normally do at the dinner table. Due to this reason, we realised that having our helper eating with us at the dinner table was not a good thing for us ... I'm sure for some it works out just fine, but every family is different and it wasn't for us.
To any new, or prospective employers, I'd say think long and hard about how this situation will impact on you and your family members. It may be ideal for some, perhaps those with young children, or those whose husbands work away a lot, but if you enjoy having conversations over dinner with your husband, then from my personal experience, I'd say it's a bad idea. But that's just my opinion.
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truehkwoman reminds me of a few people I know, completely gullible to every story in HK.
Here's a few truths. Yes there have been a few stories of FDH having affairs with husbands but this is very rare. The majority of FDH would never do that.
True there are a "few" women again in Wanchai bars. But they do not represent the majority of girls, just like the Chinese street hookers in East TST don't represent the majority of Chinese girls.
The last point about residency isn't part of this topic but does represent truehkwomans overall prejudice against SEA people and lack of knowledge. (read the Indian eating habit threads for a laugh).
We actually do have our helper sit with us for dinner, but we have 2 young kids and wouldn't have time on our own anyway. It suits us and is what we wanted. Different for everybody.
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I just read that story about CK mansions and didn't know if I should to laugh or cry. Based on truehkwoman assertions about race I work with hookers, murderers, thief's and robbers. This of course is because I once heard a story of Chinese hookers, murderers, thief's and robbers. Luckily I live in the real world and take people on their merits and not on their race.
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Milty
13 yrs ago
truehkwoman: so you're ok that I, as an australian citizen, get permanent residency in HK but not helpers from the Philippines, Indonesia? What's the difference? I also work in HK to make more money compared to back home.
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richchinese, your post makes no sense. Why would it be illegal to speak about Chinese hookers?
"In fact, the police knew that there were so many sexual workers from India, South East Asia, Africa and Eastern Europe. "
Your point being? And note that there are plenty of Chinese prostitutes in HK, of both legal and illegal varieties.
"It said never let the maids knowing too many stuffs with the husband and get close with them; they may get you husbands behind your back, it happened in reality"
Of course it happens. There are a quarter million helpers in HK so I'm sure pretty much anything you can imagine does happen from time to time. However a husband shacking up with the helper is not really that common. For that matter, I doubt most helpers have that goal in mind!
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OMG! This was a post about eating dinner with a helper ... now people are talking about prostitutes and hookers??? I think some people really do need to 'Get a life'!!
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