Helper lied and I find out 20 months later

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I hired my helper almost 2 years ago and for the most part she's great. She of course misses some things but nobody is perfect so I can overlook those bits and bobs.


The trouble now is that early on in the time she worked for us, I asked her (in a sensitive manner as she's muslim) if she's interested in one day getting married and having kids herself, important seeings she's looking after my own kids! -and she giggled like a school girl and said she has a boyfriend in Indonesia and would like to get married one day. At her interview she said she was single and on her profile on asiaxpat it said she was single.


Fast forward to last week where I saw she had become facebook friends with my husband which I'm fine with and it doesn't bother me but I'm not interested in adding her to mine, and she's listed as married to some guy. So I clicked on his name and his profile shot is a photo from their wedding and his big photo on his front page is a photo of my helper.


I'm totally fine with her being married and I have no problems at all with her having a personal life but I'm bothered that she lied to me.




Today, I gently confronted her and let her know how I discovered she's married and asked her when it happened. She said a long time ago, many years. So I asked why she didn't tell me when I asked and she said she didn't know. I asked her if there's anything else she's lied about because if she'll lie about such a major point, how can I now trust her on smaller things....I didn't want it to escalate to a 'telling off' so I left things on a good enough note but let her know that I'm not impressed being lied to.


Now the trouble is I'm not sure how I feel about her capacity for honesty in general. I've caught her plenty of times telling white lies and a few larger ones but I've let a lot of it slide due to understanding her cultural tendencies towards telling a white lie to save face rather than be malicious.


It just happened today so it's really fresh but it's really playing on my mind...


Any sage words?

I get what you mean Cara. Whether she's single or married is of no consequence to her ability to be a great helper and it was never a factor taken into consideration when hiring her. My issue is that it has come to light now, almost 2 years later that she has been lying all along from her advert on asia expat, to her interview, to random conversations about this point and it throws my ability to trust her. In the end, she has access to every corner of the house and takes care of my kids so I need to be able to trust her.

I really believe that facebook is for family and friends. Employees should never add employers as their friends.


Your helper has worked with you for almost two years already. In that time, she has not given you reasons to distrust her or fire her. Am I right? In my books, that means she's a decent enough helper.


Nobody will know why she didn't want to disclose her marital status but after two years, it really shouldn't matter anymore.


But if you feel that you can't trust her anymore, then don't renew her contract when her two years are up.


I guess what I'm saying is that I understand if it's an issue of trust if it was at the beginning of her employment.. but after almost two years, I think I could let it go if it were me.


Good luck.

Thats far too forward being on your husbands facebook page, who initiated this and why? You cannot mix your private life with the domestic help its extremely dicey, you need to be able to separate this for clarity and boundaries and keep it so otherwise the working relationship can sour horribly.


I think she might have lied bout her marital status simply to make herself seem more available or eligible for what ever reason. Maybe as a Moslem woman she has more freedom than she would (back home)normally by passing herself off as a single. Force of habit.


Are you a Muslim family?

Hi Adele,


I think it is really important to trust your helper. Is there more to this story? Have there been a few white lies that are starting to add up and make you doubt her honesty? Take it from me, I thought my helper was great, and I was happy to add her as a friend on fb (totally naive I know), until I saw way too much. I wont go into details feel free to PM me if you are interested in the chaos FB creates for an employer/employee relationship. You need to decide now her two years are nearly up if you think u should continue. It doesn't sound that bad but if you are seeking advice maybe its time for a change? Good luck!

ummm... when these helpers are looking for jobs, there are so many stories and dos and donts that they are at times overwhelmed and lie, specially about marital status. I have heard stories of married helpers posing as single and single ones posing as married just to pass imaginary hurdles created by possible future employers.

Hi adele78, I can understand it's very annoying to find out the truth. My ex-helper told us she never touched alcohol when I interviewed her but it turned out she drank a lot. As long as she's good in what she's doing in your house, who cares if she's married or not.

Agreed LiamHK, I don't give a toss whether she's married or not, it's just the fact that it's a lie...one of many and when it comes down to it, when she lies about small and irrelevant things, how can I trust her on more important things? When I confronted her, she didn't deny it, but she certainly didn't apologize for lying.

For me, trust is a big thing. I made it very clear to my helper when I interviewed her. She was honest enough to tell me she was fired from her 2 previous employers within 8 months in HK. She was married and planned to have kids in a few years. It's been 4 years and I cannot say how blessed we are to have her in our family. I don't expect perfection in her work but I do expect honestly and she has definitely delivered.

Yes, I rejected her FB invite. I don't have any of my work subordinates as FB friends. Never a good idea.

Adele78,


You should follow your instincts, and by the sound of it you seem to have already made up your mind?


Since she has lied many times, and obviously from your post you are feeling less and less comfortable with this, the issue here in not her marital status, but rather, trust... or a lack of.


Having the care of your children entrusted to her, i would let her save face with her lies, and save myself from a future dilemma.

I keep all my employers as employers. Never as friends on Facebook. There are two sides to this.


1. martial status should never be a issue with employment, but sadly it does play a part. In the nanny world, most employers like single girls, hence why she said she was single, she didn't want to miss out on employment.


2. Trust is a big issue when working in a domestic environment. If you can't trust your helper/nanny then it is time to get a new one.


Me personally, I can not stand people who lie! I'm not talking about 'who stole the last chocolate chip cookie from the cookie jar' either. But someone who deliberately lied.....I say time to go.