Food issues ...

We've had our helper for 12 months and, other than a bit of a problem at the beginning of her contract (basically family/privacy issues as we weren't used to live-in help) which was sorted out, everything has gone very well.


However, I do have a bit of an issue regarding food and wonder if anyone has any helpful suggestiions.


We pay our helper above the basic salary, and we also give her a substantial monthly allowance for travelling expenses, due to the fact that we moved to the NT and she has quite a way to travel on her days off to see her friends in Central. Although, I did realise afterwards that what we are giving her is far in excess of what she actually needs, so she has the extra to do with whatever she wishes. We also provide all of her food ... she eats basically what we eat, but I do also leave cash in a jar for her to use if there is anything specific she would like to buy to eat, in the event that she doesn't like anything I cook.


She eats earlier than we do, so mostly she will eat whatever I cook the following day, or I will freeze extra portions so there is often a choice for her in the freezer.


Now, here's the problem I have ... Sometimes, we like to treat ourselves to something special and I have on occassion also cooked the same for my helper because I feel really guilty not providing her with the same as us ... much to hubby's annoyance!!


Also, when I cook something like a whole roast chicken for example, it just about feeds my family of 4 adults, which means there's not enough left to provide an extra dinner for my helper.


I have told her she is welcome to use any of the food that we have in the fridge/freezer/cupboards, or she can go to the supermarket to buy something she would like .... but to this day, 12 months later, except for when we go on holiday, she has never, ever, cooked anything for herself! She never uses the extra money that I've put in the jar for her, and she always relies on using whatever I have cooked and put in the freezer ... and rarely even cooks any veggies or uses any salad to go with it!


It's even got to the point when, on a rare occassion, if we have run out of frozen meals, she will eat instant noodles rather than defrost/cook some chicken/fish (which we always have in the freezer)!


Consequently, I find myself stressing out about what to cook for dinner every night, so that there's enough to provide an extra meal for her. She never cooks anything for herself and I'm beginning to feel like I've got an extra grown up child in my family!! It's hard enough thinking what to do for my own family without having to worry about doing her dinner every night as well.


What I'm worried about is that I'd hate to think she thought we weren't 'providing her with food' if I don't actually cook it for her! Now, after 12 months, I seem to be in a bit of a rut as I feel it's now gone on for too long for me to do anything about it.


Does anyone have any suggestions, or should I wait for another 12 months when we renew her contract and tell her we'd rather give her a food allowance instead of providing food ... although I suspect she wouldn't be happy with that ...

It sounds to me like you have been more than fair and considerate of your helper's food requirements. I wouldn't stress out about it any further. Based on my own experience (and please, no one try to read into this), of living in the Philippines for over 6 years and being married to a Filipina woman, Filipinos are quite content to eat any kind of leftovers.


If she's too lazy to defrost the food in the freezer, and opts to eat instant noodles on those occassions, that's her choice.


In contrast to some of the other unfortunate stories, of problems with DH's posted in this forum, sounds like you have a good situation

Thanks DiscoBayJames, I feel somewhat reassured that I'm providing fairly for my helper in the food department. I just need to get over the guilt feelings I have if I don't happen to cook enough on the odd occassion to provide an extra ready made meal for her, and I need to stop stressing about what to cook in order that there is enough for her. I've even found myself telling my family that they can't have seconds because I need to freeze some!! Needless to say, that doesn't go down too well with hubby and adult son!!

Your family should come first. You are providing food (if uncooked) and money, so if there is a meal which only feeds the family, tell her she will have to cook her own. If she chooses to eat noodles, it is her choice, I'm sure eventually she will cook something else.


I have always given my helpers an allowance for the same reason as you are outlining here.


My next door neighbour's helper eats noodles. My helper says its because she would rather put the money to better use.


Make her cook a filipino meal and then tell her that it is her food for the next couple of days. Stop treating her like a child and she will behave like an adult.


Just explain to her that the food arrangements are not working for you, buy her a cupboard supply of food to start her off and then give her an allowance. Tell her to cook during the day if she feels shy about cooking when you are around, I would imagine she would be happier eating the food she is used to. My helper tells me she wakes up hungry if she doesn't eat rice every day, and I know she wouldn't enjoy everything we eat. I offered her a Christmas lunch and she turned her nose up. She had some turkey meat and cooked her own rice.


You are probably making something worse than it is, explain firmly but nicely then stop sharing. If your family want to eat 'seconds' then they have every right to do so!


Good luck!

We did exactly the same as Sapphire with our first helper, her cooking was awful, my husband and I didn't like anything she attempted. So I cooked everything for the main evening meal, which she enjoyed very much, and ate at the same table.


However, she started 'dipping' into the fridge for speciality things I had bought for us,eg a whole 80 hkd goats cheese on a sandwich, because she liked it. Then while we went on a two week holiday, we had left two large freezer compartments full of all kinds of food, so I wouldn't have to rush out shopping when I got back eg best steaks, mince, lamb steaks, whole chickens, and other joints of meat. When we got back from holiday, we had nothing, not even a loaf of frozen bread, despite the fact I had supplied her with ready meals, and gave her money for fresh veg. for herself. When I asked her why all the food was gone--- enough to feed at least 4 adults for 4 weeks, she said she had cooked it for herself! I told her this was unacceptable and greedy.


I got a new supply of food in, and continued cooking, but she prefered then to eat earlier, so would eat what I cooked the next day.


After our next holiday, more food disappeared, so at that point we told her she was to start having a food allowance, and that she had to supply all her food with that, and that was all within the first contract, as we didn't renew her for various other bits and pieces(non food) she stole from us, plus we found out that our house was used on a number of occasions as a B&B for her friends while we were away, hence that is where some of the food went, plus I caught her cooking for her daughter, who was our next door neighbours DH, with our food supplies even handing them through the fence on a plate and our cutlery.

Sometimes if you give the helper an inch, they will take a yard.

Saphire et al:


Before anyone starts to jump on me about racism or anything similar try to see it from the point of view of the helper.


When she lives in the Philippines or wherever what does she eat – she probably does not go to a freezer in her home and take out a couple of 14oz T Bone steaks, fire up the BBQ and open a bottle of Mouton Cadet – she eats simple food – tasty but simple and something her body is used to handling. They are usually very happy with rice and veg and a bit of meat with a sauce, or a KFC or a McD. But you know what “they wont starve”.


If you offered them HK$100 or a lovely steak for supper I doubt many would take the steak. Of course if you go away on holiday and say here’s HK$500 to get something to eat while were away or you can eat what’s in the freezer they of course will opt to cook your food and pocket the money.


I pay my helper HK$500 for food plus we buy in staples like eggs, noodles, rice, chicken wings, etc for her to share plus we allow her to eat leftover from our food BUT we tell her straight that certain foods ie everything in the freezer is ours and cannot be touched.


I suggest you just talk to your helper and tell her that you will buy staples like eggs, noodles, rice, chicken wings, etc for her to use or she can have leftover but other than that she needs to provide for herself. Don’t feel guilty – pocketing the money is a choice she is happy to make – that is the main reason they are here in the first place.


If you provide food and an allowance then feel happy you have provided it because I am sure you helper is OK with it – I have heard of many people who don’t provide these necessities and they should feel how you feel but they don’t.


Look at it from her point of view and then judge how you should feel.

Thanks everyone for your words of advice! It's made me realise that I really shouldn't be feeling guilty if there's not enough of a particular meal that I cook to provide an extra dinner for her. There's always plenty of food in the house for her to help herself to and cook her own meal ... I just wish she'd do it more often! She really isn't greedy, and never takes advantage of any of the 'speciality' things that are in the fridge ... not even the cash that I leave in jar. So I guess I should count myself lucky!

Food issues with the maid is one of the main reasons why I stopped employing them. DH's are there TO HELP, not be an extra child to pander over. My ex DH got a food allowance and used all our own food too. She was with us a month and told me she was putting on too much weight in our family. After she had left the neighbor told me that my DH had told them that I starved her!

Saphire,

Agree with Bastille. Also, a few notes from a Filipina who's had a helper both in the Philippines and here in HK.

I opted for the food allowance and told her specifically that we shouldn't mix food - she has her own rice, cupboard, bread, etc. In the Philippines, that's how it would work. Sometimes the helpers even have their own kitchen, but due to space constraints, we all have to share here. It is a bit strange seeing my helpers food cooked in MY le creusets but I would rather her cook what's hers and we cook what's ours. We were not too keen on her cooking so we cook our own food and shop for our own food. If she is tired, she sometimes opts for the instant noodles, but I give her a HKD 1000 food allowance, and told her explicitly that I want her to cook her own food and eat enough because I cannot deal with unhealthy and tired and starving helpers. Helpers are here to help, not to be another adult child in the family.

You dont need to wait till the contract renewal to talk to her- i would suggest talking to her now and you dont need to feel guilty. Keep in mind that sometimes, the chores and the summer heat just make them feel lazy to cook but that doesn't mean they are starving. If you think she isn't eating well, it will come out in the way she works so best to address the issue now.

Your hubby and adult son should be allowed seconds. Just offer her leftovers if you want to, she probably wont mind but try and get her to cook her own food so you don't need to cook for her. NO ONE in the Philippines cooks for their helpers- it's the other way around.

Good luck.

Well, I thought that this thread was finished with, but having just read the posts from Bastille and mowen33, I'd just like to say that I wholeheartedly agree with what both have to say. When I started the contract, had I known then what I know now, I would most definitely have opted to give her the food allowance. Far simpler and less stress for me! However, I feel it only fair to wait until her contract is due for renewal before I agree with her to change it ... I wouldn't be happy with my employer if they told me they were changing my contact half way through, otherwise what is the point of a contract?


Things are far better now than they were ... although, having just returned from 2 weeks holiday, it seems that she didn't spend much of the money I left her and opted to eat mostly the pre-cooked frozen dinners out of the freezer ... so obviously still didn't cook much for herself!lol


I'm still sometimes trying to cook dinners that I know will allow leftovers for extra protions for her to eat the next day ... but I'm no longer stressing if there isn't anything left!


When her contract is up for renewal I will definitely be providing her with a food allowance and telling her she needs to sort out her own meals. Although, if I do have any leftovers she is welcome to them, but I won't have the worry/stress that comes with having to provide all her meals for her!


So, a word of advice to any new prospective employers of domestic helpers ... from my experience, giving a food allowance is definitely the best opiton!!

Plus, Sapphire, maybe she is a lousy cook or maybe (and this is hard for foodies and cooking lovers to understand) she hates cooking! :)


My helper will cook, but she isn't a great cook, and she isn't a planner either...even when we suggest to her to cook a meal, we tell her exactly how to cook it, we tell her what time we will be home and when we get home she is all "Oh, I thought you would come home at ***time and so I haven't started cooking yet!"


Also, back in her home town, she has no fridge, so we have had to teach her that storing stuff in the fridge for weeks on end doesn't really mean the food is safe to eat.

Actually, Justin, I don't think it's the fact that she can't cook ... it's just that she prefers not to ... I guess having most of her meals prepared for her is an easy option! I was told by her previous employer that she's quite capable of following recipes (she makes a very good cookie!). However, I'm rather possessive when it comes to my kitchen and cooking, and I told her that I didn't want her to do any of my cooking as it's one thing I really enjoy ... but i didn't expect to be doing all of her cooking too!LOL She often watches me cook, and often looks at my cookery books and asks questions ... but she never chooses to cook for herself!


I guess I've made a rod for my own back!


As far as the fridge thing goes, I know what you mean! Even after telling her to check 'use by' dates, I'm constantly having to throw stuff out myself that's well past it's best ... although, she is getting better, and now asks me, "Mam, should I throw this out?" ... when something lurking in the back of the fridge, covered in green fur takes her notice! ... And yes, before anyone has a go at me, I know I should notice this myself ... but she has more time on her hands to do it, and that's what I pay her for ... to make my life easier! ... Supposedly?!:-)

I know what you mean, with respect to cooking in our house, its up to us, our helper eats with us. And yes, if we go out, she will eat whats left over in the fridge and if there isn't any, I know she is cooking Shin Ramyun (korean spicy ramen that she has requested we buy for the pantry) with veggies and egg or meat (which I insist she adds to the noodle!).


So yeah...I guess she must crave a bowl of noodles once in a while, waiting for us to bugger off out the house, lol.


All in all though, she's awesome and we are totally happy to have her with us and to be able to return home to a sparkling clean house everyday. Its all good and no real minuses. We also initially worried about making sure she had something to eat and sometimes when one of us is away on business or the likes, it can be that we may only want for ourself a simple sandwich or bowl of soup...but then we worry about ensuring she can eat a full meal. Now we just ask her to prep something for herself if she wants something more to her liking in these instances.


Life has become a lot less complicated.