To fire or renew helper

Hi, will really like to get some advice/ opinions here. Any input welcome from a 3rd party perspective.


Firstly me and my spouse are working full time, my helper (Flipina) basically takes care of my 4 years old and all household chores. She is with us for 1.5 years but attitude seem to be getting worse.


Some of the things that is making us unhappy, small things maybe?

(1)Before she used to answer "yes mam/sir" now she just basically ignore and don't answer my question. just simple questions like " can you clean XX?" no answer!

(2) She basically eats with us, so no food allowance, we don't mind sharing the usual food. but she finishes a whole bottle of my sauce, when i want to use it, it's all gone! she buys expensive cheese and said its cooking for my girl, but secretly she eats it all for breakfast! So we told her don't buy anymore and she did not reply, but said" it's cold and she wants us to buy coffee for herself!" but we don't even drink coffee ourselves! and we do provide her with other hot drinks like tea... after that incident, the vacuum cleaner mysteriously got damaged..

and on and off she always says she is entitled to the 7XX food allowance though we explained to her, no as she is eating our food. Sour face.


(3) I discovered a horde of things under her bed - free gifts from our cereals box, our shopping paper bags etc, welcome stickers etc - considered stealing even though small stuff right? when confronted she said " oh you had so many I though you don't want them" still she should have asked right? not just hide them..?


(4) She wanted to stay out for holidays with her mom, who is also a helper here, we were reluctant but agree to make her happy.


(5) Recently we bought a car, and when asked her to wash it, she flatly state " no" as it was not in the agreement we signed?

so I did not insisit, but I thought most helpers wash cars? maybe i am wrong.


(6) From time to time, she will hint to say she's not going to be us anymore after the 2 yrs contract etc, or something in that fashion.


Finally her cleaning is marginal, ( some dirt/ dust here and there - will clean when asked though) And she is comparatively passive with my girl in terms of playing.She sleeps in the same room as my girl at night but makes no effort(?) or just sleeping too soundly to check her at night when she is sneezing or too little clothes etc, it is always me who needs to walk over and tend to my girl. 95% of times.


All in all, she is really not too great, but not as bad as some of the horror stories I read here. I'm struggling in case of getting an even worst one. But her attitude is really getting worse and my spouse thinks she is trying to provoke us to fire her and give her one month notice.


Sorry for my long post but compared to your helpers, how does she stand? any comments welcome please. or maybe an Indo helper may be better?

Well, every family has different needs and expects different things from their helper, so what suits one family may not suit another. However, with regard to the things that are making you unhappy, this is purely my opinion ....


1) I personally wouldn't be too worried about the "yes mam/sir", but not answering you when you ask her something is simply rude and I would expect a reply. I have heard others comment before that this is a 'Filipina thing', but that doesn't cut it with me and I'd make sure she knows!


2) If she'd prefer the food allowance, rather than eat your food, let her have it! I know in my case it would be far cheaper than providing her with the same food as us and I wish that we'd agreed to that when we took our helper on. Just make sure she understands that if she has the allowance she's not entitled to any of your food and she has to buy her own, if that's really what she wants. Personally, I'd have no problem with my helper having the food allowance as well as basic items in our cupboards, but she wouldn't be entitled to help herself to anything she wants!


3) I personally wouldn't be bothered about free gifts from cereal boxes, or paper shopping bags, but of course, taking anything that doesn't belong to her without asking you first, is not really acceptable. I let my helper have the stickers from welcome, etc, and she sends some lovely gifts back home to her family. She always offers them to me first and really appreciates that I insist she has them.


4) It was kind of you to allow her to stay out over the holidays with her mother - employees do like to feel appreciated and a little kindness goes a long way ... just don't be taken for granted .....


5) Car washing - Yes, many helpers do this, but you need to have specified/included it in her contract (there is a section for this), otherwise she is quite within her rights to refuse to do it.


6) I guess the hints mean that she may not wish to stay with you for a second contract. If you'd like to try to keep her, you need to have a good discussion about what you expect of her and make sure everything is written into her contract.


Cleaning - if it's not up to standard, tell her, if you don't she'll go on thinking that what's she's doing is ok.


You say she sleeps in the same room as your daughter but 'makes no effort' to check on her sneezintg/too little clothes/etc, and you have to be the one to tend to you daughter 95% of times ... I'm sorry, but if you helper is looking after your child during the day she also needs her sleep. Some may disagree with me but, as far as I'm concerned, you are the child's mother and it's you who should be taking care of your child at night if she's not well, or she's not warm enough. Helpers are not paid to work 24/7, they need their rest and relaxation just like anyone else, and if my helper was looking after my young child, I wouldn't want her tired and exhausted during the day and unable to care for her properly or to do her work properly. That's just my opinion ...


All in all, you think she's not too great, but not as bad as some ... maybe you could talk to her and try to convince her to stay if you think you could end up with someone worse ... but you really need to discuss properly, together with you helper, what you would expect of her and come to an agreement with her and get everything written into her contract.

If you were in the west, what you're paying your helper is just a fraction of what you're going to pay for a babysitting service which will only care for your child 8-5. You pay overtime if you can't pick up your child in time. Just think about that and you can appreciate what hard work your helper has already given to you and your family. I say that because I personally think that you're expecting too much from your helper (cleaner, babysitter, nurse, etc.). Do all the things that she's doing yourself and then ask yourself how much salary you would like to pay yourself.


I'm not saying that your helper is perfect and blameless. However, you will understand that she might sometimes be too tired already and you'll ask her to do something else. She might be busy doing something and then you ask her to do something different (just like in the office, you know, you're quite busy doing something and the higher boss asks you to do something over what you're doing, etc.). I gather from your original post, that she's not that grumpy all the time...


Anyways, I like Sapphire's post above. You need to have a good relationship with your helper so that there's a kind of give and take relationship. Hopefully, things work out well for you.

Hi guys, thanks for all the comments so far. Well actually I dont reallt expect her to wake up and check my girl as I know I am the mom and of course I should be doing more for my baby. Just that some of my friends said to me why I am not making her wake up to do so?

Regarding food allowance, I don;t think it will work as we only have one fridge and its highly likely she'll eat our stuff and pocket the $.

Regarding the free stuff from cereal box, honestly i dont care much about the actual items, just worried she is taking without asking and we all know it all starts small, who knows what she'll take later on then?

Yeah i guess i need to sit down and have a talk with her, just like performance appriasal we do at work.

You could *very* easily get a worse helper next time though. Do you have the space for her to store her own food? I just don't see how a food allowance would work unless you wanted the extra hassle of either locking away your own food or keeping tabs on it. I would give her a small allowance for buying extras that you yourselves don't eat though - like coffee, Filipino sauces etc. I don't think it's fair to expect her to only eat what you guys eat.


Are you a local? My observation of helpers here (I see them at the playground or shopping centre nearly every day) is that the Indonesians speak way more Cantonese with their charges. The Filipinas mostly talk to each other in Tagalog but nearly invariably address the kids in English. Possibly some locals prefer that as it is a cheaper way for their kids to get exposed to English from a young age. Attitude problems really depend on the individual - I don't think there is any point trying to determine which nationality is going to be more cooperative.

1) Mine does this too. Doesn't greet us. Yesterday, I asked her a question and she had her back towards me. I repeated the question and she turned around feeling frustrated saying she already answered me. I told her politely that I couldn't hear her answer because she was not facing me so it is important that she faces me if she wants to be heard or let me know she's heard me. Now I make it a point to call her until she looks at me, and then I say, "Good morning xxxx" and she greets me with a smile.


2) I'm actually okay with number two. We have a nespresso machine at home and we allow our helper to make herself one cup a day. We also buy her a bottle of coffee if she needs to drink at other times during the day. I'm not a coffee drinker either (my husband is) but the way I see it, it is inexpensive to buy her a bottle of coffee because she's able to use for months. In regards to cheese, I would just tell her it is expensive and that you prefer that your child has a variety of food so perhaps ration the cheese to twice a week? And you can tell her the portion you'd like to offer her as well as you daughter. Eg. a slice of cheese for yourself and a slice for my daughter twice a week. I like Cara's idea of buying a fridge and then giving her a food allowance but I also appreciate lots of homes don't have the space for one. It's also very hard to give her an allowance, yet don't let her touch any of your other food such as oil, rice etc. It's not easy to keep a tab anyways when you are not home. I think a bit of give and take. I mean, how much can a helper eat anyway? Mine just eats whatever we eat but I have also told her that if she doesn't like any of it, she's free to purchase her own. They don't usually splash out.


3) I'm okay with this one also. Free gifts, welcome stickers are all okay. I would just tell her if I want the welcome stickers or any of the free gifts. If not, I'm quite happy for them to take.


4) I'm okay with this. If she has a 3 day holiday, I'm fine with her living out. I'm fine if she goes on Saturday night and comes back on Sunday night too. Because really, she only sleeps on Saturday night before going out again early on Sunday morning. Makes no difference.


5) Okay, I understand it's not part of her contract but at the same time, I would be concerned with her attitude.


6) In that case, I think she's answered your question. She does not wish to be renewed and you won't be firing her because it'll be at the end of her contract anyway. If your question is whether to fire her before the end of her contract or keep her until then, I think it really depends on whether you feel you can put up with her.


I detect that it isn't so much about all the issues you've mentioned but her attitude - her unwillingness to co-operate and work with you. It's hard this way.


I would sit her down and tell her that she has six months to go and you'd really like for her to finish her contract but in order to do so, you must work together as a team. You both could compromise. You buy her coffee and let her keep the free gifts, but she must also help you out with the car wash.


In regards to taking care of your baby at nights, I feel that nobody does it better than mummy. Nobody will get up for your little one the way you can. It's mummy's instincts. I personally would not trust anybody to do this for me or I'm going to be very disappointed. I don't even trust my husband to do this for that matter!


I work but I get up several times all night to check on the kids and to use the bathroom (very often) because I'm preggers. I'm tired the next day but I can't think of anyone better to take on this responsibility.


Hope this helps :-)


Auslass is right, you could very well end up with a far worse helper next time. My first helper of 4 years was good, my indo after her left after 1.5 months due to a pregnancy, and my current is a disappointment because of her attitude which includes swearing in front of the kids when they do something she doesn't like (eg. sh*t, id*ot) or mumbles under her breath when she doesn't want to do what I've asked of her (and I rarely ask). I don't know what she mumbles though because she uses tagalog now! So in my case, my current helper of two months will be terminated. I made a big mistake taking on a 49 year old helper who's single and terminated by her previous employer because the kid she took care of fell under her care. The agent (a trusted friend of a friend) failed to tell me that until I hired her.


Good luck!

frankly i can understand why your helper is not happy: you are not even buying coffee for her? that's pretty cheap. she is not doing things which she should not be by law? you accuse her of stealing for keeping cereal box gifts and welcome stickers?


i am not saying that the helper attitude is acceptable but it sounds totally understandable to me based on the facts you have given us.


I would not blame your helper for looking for another employer and honestly you screwed this one up big time from your end. with your next helper, have a real honest discussion upfront on what you expect from her and what you are prepared to give in return. and ffs relax a bit and cut your helpers some slack. it's all about give and take; right now it's just you giving money and taking over almost her whole life.

corrected my statement on the violation of law since we don't know the precise facts and what is being done in this case might be in accordance with the law


doesn't change my opinion on this though

I'm with cookie09. The helper's attitude isn't great but would yours be if you worked in some of the conditions listed above? One coffee a day? Access to the oil, rice, sauces? Sleeping with the kid, in the first place, and then being expected to get up in the night with them too? It's shameful. My attitude would be appalling if my boss expected any of these things from me. The privileged lives we lead :)

Helpers act like that when employers are abusive & do not comply with contract agreement & treat them like slaves. If I were your helper i would definetely not agree to renew my contract with you.

You don't seem happy, and she doesn't seem happy. So do not renew the contract. The attitude and feeling you are getting will only get worse. Don't worry about the next one being worse. Interview a lot of helpers. Be straight from the onset what your expectations are. Tell them that you want open communication.

Start with a clean slate, you will be much happier.

For the next helper - if one of these small issues comes up - tell her right away how you expect it to be done next time.


Your current helper may be dwelling over some small issue that is making her act that way. Or, she just thinks she can get a better deal elsewhere.

My helper shares our food. If we don't have a food item she likes I would not be happy if she asked us to buy it just for her. You don't buy her toothpaste do you? So why should you buy her coffee if no one in your house uses it. She can freely buy it herself. Same for soft drinks and snacks.

How many paper bags are you talking about? Maybe your helper's previous employer was like me who don't keep/use too many paper bags, and she thought you were the same? I only keep a few and rest of them are to dispose even brand's paper bags as they are just paper bags and no status what so ever.


If you would like to keep the stickers for your daughter, you just tell your helper so. It solves problems, I think.


I expect my helper to answer "yes or no" when I ask her something to make sure she understood my request, so I agree with your frustration when your helper doesn't answer to you. This is just simple manner not only helpers but as a person.


I think asking her to look after your child during the sleep is too much to ask. As someone above said, they do need a good rest. I think it is your responsibility to do so no matter what other people say. As a mother, I would like to check on my child during his sleep especially if my child was not well - I do not want my helper to check on my child as you never know you might get misinformed for his/her condition.


I personally disagree with those who make their helper work 24 hours a day not having a privacy. They should be treated as a normal employee like us who work for a company. some of us work long overtime but not everyday. and if we were assigned an extra job, we usually expect extra pay.

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

I agree we may not be so nice to provide all the extras, but we definitely are not starving her at all, in fact she eats more than us. I won't go into details.

My hubby is local, I'm not, he was from a poor family so he cannot justify why his helper is enjoying these extras. I cannot change that mindset unfortunately.

I do not mind her taking free gifts or stickers as said, but I really mind her her taking them SECRETLY without asking, thats what scares me. afterall its not hers right?

I never ever asked her to wake up and check my girl, just stating a fact that compared to some helpers that need to, or get to sleep after midnight, I don;t think her life is that bad.

But I think I have my question answered, we need to start on a new slate, laying down expectations from the start. I think we "spoiled" her at the start, giving her lots of my unused new clothes/household stuff, expensive toiletries including toothpaste, handcream, slippers.

forgot to add, she definitely thinks she can get a better deal out there, judging from the response above, maybe thats why most helpers prefer non chinese famlies. Good luck to her on big gardens/ dogs/ and parties to clean up.

I mean taking care of a under1K sq ft house, one kid that basically plays alone most of the time, having the whole house to herself from morning till 7pm (We both work). And getting to rest from 9pm and watches TV with us! Is life really so harsh?

Sorry but I must also add - in all honesty in which part are we "abusive"? as stated by sagwa...

after reading your post regarding all the kindness you've done & stuff you gave her. I guess you deserve to find a new helper. Yes, try Indonesian. Good luck!!

We have helper for part time only. All these issues make us scared too so part time is best.

Honestly speaking, not all expats are rich. Yes, you get those who are on an "expat package" but then you also have many of us who are expats married to locals. I daresay the majority of helpers here do not get paid a high salary because rich expats make up such a small portion of the population. And as mentioned, not all expats have huge houses with hugh gardens and dogs to care for. Also, not all expats are nice and not all locals are bad employers. It really depends on the individual.

I think, at the end of the day, as long as you feel that you've treated her fairly, that's all that matters. Some people can be generous with some things but not in others. I know of a lady who expects her helper to work until midnight every night but allow her Saturday and Sunday off. I know of another who requires that her helper works 7 days a week (it's against the law) but would send her helper home three times a year when they go on holiday!

And sometimes, as you say, part time help works best because that way, you are still in charge of everything and you know where things are kept. In fact, I feel my house looks better when I'm in charge! That way I know what the kids eat for their meals, I know what I can or can't throw out, I know where things are because I've kept them there etc etc etc. So in future when my kids are older and the inlaws don't mind having them a few hours a day until I come home from work, I would definitely consider this option..

Good luck, hope you'll find a good helper soon - part time or full time.