The best helper but.....

I just wanted to say that after one helper for 4 years who was great albeit with an attitude, then two failed helpers (one due to pregnancy and the other was so incompetent that neighbours/guars/school teachers said it was the right thing to do to terminate because she ignored my child and was always on the phone), I now have a helper who is a godsent.


She's been so wonderful that for the past one month (the time she's been with us), we've showered her with gifts, money (because we know she needs it although not a lot because we cannot afford too much), and I thank her every night for her dedication. She works until 11pm and gets up at 6am. I tell her NOT to do that and often chase her to bed earlier. I told her an adult needs at least 8 hours of sleep and she needs to factor in additional time for her own shower and winding down time also. I don't allow her to help me with the kids during the night because she needs the rest so when I'm home and NOT outside working, I want to be the one there for the kids. She got up a few times when my toddler cried in the middle of the night but I chased her back to bed and told her to shut her door tight.



My problem is this.....we had some friends over for lunch the other day and the kids were playing in her room. She has lowish bunk bed and the kids were using a stick to put through her window to "fish" for hangers in the laundry room. They were on her bed and messed it. The adults were outside and upon discovering it, I chased the kids out of her room. I was trying to make her bed again and right by the side of her bed, she had a white cardboard where she wrote dates with comments. I NEVER snoop in her room but it caught my eye and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I had a friend over at the time who knew how to read Indonesian and I asked her to read it. My helper was out with my toddler at the time trying to put her to sleep because it was too noisy at home with the older kids.


She wrote about how she's never worked so hard before in her life. She found it tough doing the grocery shopping while carrying my toddler and she said that my toddler even needs to be carried when fed. She said that she doesn't know if she's able to make it through our current contract.


I feel terrible hearing these. In front of us, she's been so cheerful and so helpful, often telling me that when our third child is here (next month!) she could help me take care of her throughout the night (an offer I politely rejected because my kids have to stay with me).

I don't know what to do with what I've heard. I know that in terms of eating, she's the first helper that carries my toddler.


I spoke to her last night about her work in general. I told her NOT to carry my daughter while she's eating. My toddler should be strapped up on the high chair with food placed in front of her and although she's two, she's quite capable of eating on her own. Sure, we need to help feed her the other half but she's fine eating at least half on her own. It worked last night and I hope she can see that she doesn't need to carry my daughter.


I told her I'd hire a part timer twice a week to do the grocery shopping but she says it is not necessary and she says to leave it up to her to plan. We do one big shopping every Saturday when my husband is home with the car and I also order online from Park n Shop at least once every two weeks for bulky stuff like rice, diapers etc. But it's NEVER easy to go to the wet market with a toddler even if there are only a few items to buy. I know that. She goes 2 times a week to do this.


My toddler isn't the easiest to handle either because when I'm home, she wants mummy and plays up. I'm late in my pregnancy but I still help out with my toddler simply because my toddler wants me.


I've asked her about her old job and she says grandma was around so she could go to the market without carrying the baby. And she said the child went to school for half a day at the age of 2!


I also told her that I don't need her to work so hard. Kids are my priority and I told her I don't expect a perfect home. I told her that I don't check when she gets up or sleeps or has her snacks etc. And I told her that I don't expect a superwoman, only a partner to share the household tasks with and like all mothers, if she's tired, please sleep even if it's at 7pm. Just tell me and I can take over.


She won't tell me honestly how she feels because after last night's conversation, she's still showing she's so happy, cheerful and wants to help me with my newborn!


My MIL will look after my newborn when I'm back at work so she will only need to look after my 8 year old and my toddler. I will take my newborn to my inlaws before I go to work and bring her home as soon as I finish work.


She's been so perfect in everything - cooking, cleaning, childcare, her caring attitude etc that I really worry that she's not happy and I may lose her.


Any thoughts on what I could do? Sorry this is long......


Me staying home isn't an option financially. Or hiring an extra helper either. But with a bit of a saving, I could hire a part timer twice a week just to do the grocery shopping (an idea which my helper rejected).


TIA.

Indonesian helpers pay the most "placement" fees, they don't want to lose their employment immediately. Kudos to you for feeling for her...