What would you do if you were me?

I used to love my helper.

She's been working for me for 2 years and nearly 2 months now. When she started working for me i had no kids, just a dog. She was very nice to my dog. Then i fell pregnant. She has been taking care of my son so nicely. I treated her as my family.

And then i fell pregnant again with my 2nd one. It was a very complicated pregnancy so i had to stay in the hosptial for nearly 4 months before i delivered. This is how the nightmare has started.


I came back home after having a premature baby girl after 4 months. My son has grown up so much. (4 months is a long time for not seeing my son when he's only 1.5 years old) Things changed. I started seeing my boy having some weird 'actions'

- he started getting very interested in my breasts

- he started playing with my husband's nipples whenever he picks him up

- he wants to touch womens' breasts as soon as someone picks him up

(I stopped breastfeeding when he was about 6 months old)


I was worried, so a chat with my helper. I didn't want to blame anyone. What i said was that he started to developed this type of habit i wanted him to be out of it.


Then i saw him started biting. I again sat down with my helper and first she said "NO HE DOESN'T DO THAT" and i had to confront her by saying " grandmother saw it" and she started to tell the truth.


I told her no need to be so defensive about the whole thing. My son is a 1.5 years old baby of cos he is naughty, it's just our job to teach him to behave well. She said to me "I've been taking care of him alone so if you say he's no good that means you think i have done a bad job" I had to tell her how much she means to our family and I just wanted her to help me to teach him to behave.


She's been having a very sour face whenever my husband and I wanted to sit her down to talk. We always sit down with her start with "we know you are a very helpful person we all really like you. We are very lucky to have you but these days....." She would just have a very sour face. Seems to me that she only hears the negative things and not the postive things. At this one point she actually cried and yelled "I quit i quit, that's it i want to quit. I don't want to work here anymore it's too much talking i have a headache. Too much too much i quit i am giving you a month notice now...."


I was panicking because this just came as a shock to me that night. I had 2 helpers at that moment (still now) but the new one was pretty new. One of the reason i had to talk to this helper also because she's been bullying the 2nd helper too. Oh dear, things were just getting to crazy at my household.


The next day i prepared all the paper work and a cheque i wanted to release her right away. i just don't believe in 'one month notice period" i feel that if anyone is not happy in my house I would pay her off for her to go. Anyway after thinking about it i thought "ok let me give her another chance becuase i do still really like her." I was hoping that it was a misunderstanding between us. I sat her down, i started with "i am sorry to make you so upset the other day. I seriously want you to stay. I just hope that the resignation you have given was just somthing it came out from your mouth when you were angry. You didn't mean it...." I talked with her for over one hour just hoping she would change her mind or whatever. At the end she kept going "i don't know I don't know" I asked her when would she know because if she knows she doens't want to stay then i would have to look for another one. If she wanted to then i won't. She just kept saying she doesn't know. She also said "I will let you know when i want to leave i will give you a month notice"


I started to get pissed off so i went down to the kiddy playroom to try to ask around if anyone wants a job or who has friends who want a job. I got some info so i called up some people and had some interviews done. I found a girl i like. She also like to work for me.


My helper heard from her friend at our complex i have been trying to look for helper. She told my 2nd helper that she found out. My 2nd helper told me.


These days i haven't talked about our problem anymore and she just works normally. I haven't signed a contract with the other girl yet because I just met her yesterday for the 2nd intereview and i realized that i like her. There's alot of unknown with my 1st helper because i don't know if she's looking for a job for herself or not, she's now working normally, in fact, happily for some strange reasons. But if one day she's going to give me a month notice i will not be able to find someone in in this short time. With 2 kids this close ages together it's pretty tough when i have to work. But the thing i truely know is that she loves my son. That makes me very sad when i feel that i if i had to let her go.


What would you do if you were me? I still like my 1st helper but i am so tired to sit her down to talk about things. I feel that she thinks as soon as we sit down it's already some negative feeling going towards her. It makes us hard to discuss anything with her nowadays. I have to be so careful when i talk. I can't even sit her down anymore i know how much she hates 'talking'.


Sorry for the long writing. Would be nice to hear from you.

if I were you, I would let her go - she could be doing impressive things in the past to make you like her but a 1.5yr old toddler playing with breasts and nipples? Someone would have taught him that or used him for other "unknown" purpose.


The only reason to hold her back for the time being would be, to start an investigation process, which could involve extensive monitoring of how things are done in the house without supervision.


I could only relate the reason why she didn't welcome the 2nd helper - was due to restricted freedom for her to use your son for whatever reasons. Don't forget now there is another set of eyes.


I can never trust a helper on her own with kids. they need to be supervised by someone in the family, your parents or in-law, for your own good.

Having said that, some helpers are genuinely kind and treat kids as if their own - but again, what are the odds.


hope this helps.

Thanks ur comments def help!

I see a 1.5 year old baby who sees a brand new sibling who is either breast feeding or at the lest has a whole lot of attention and suddenly is acting out. How is this the helpers fault? He is NOT naughty he is jealous of the new baby!!!

this also is not the helper's fault....

If oyu are breast feeding this is a TOTALLY natural thing to be curious about and it is not from any sexual abuse,

Why don't you google how 1.5 year old children react to a new baby in the house before you fire this helper?

It is your house and your family - she is NOT a part of your family and the more you give to her the more she will take .... a line has been crossed - trust - get her out of your home and let your family be your focus, not a bloody maid who is ultimately jealous of you and your life.

Hi there- I'm not breast feeding. In too much medication still at the moment due to the complicated pregnancy.

I would change helpers

I am with HKwatcher on this one especially that you have been breastfeeding no.1.


It's a source of comfort when all of a sudden his world turned upside down with another baby on board.

Also, it's an age that he discoveres the differences and curious. that mommy and daddy's breasts are different. My son even sucked on my husband's nipples and was very disappointed that it "felt" different.


Biting, I seriously think that this is an age thing and regardless of why he started it, i think you need to tackle this problem before he becomes the "biter."


If I were you,

unless you have concrete proof that your helper has been emphasizing on breasts, I would focus on No.1 now, picking up his frustration signs.


For your emotions with your helper, sorry to say but, once if you don't feel the chemistry anymore, let her go or if she is too valuable to you, try to work things out.

and most important, take it easy on yourself.


You've gone through a lot and you just gave birth. THe guilt of not being with No.1, hormone is changing post natal, you have a new born, you see NO.1 being different, and you must be absolutely exhausted.

Thanks for everyone's replies. Yes, I'm seriously tired. I have this headache I don't seem like can shake it off my head, for 2 months now. From dawn til dust. My doc says its stress related.


To make things easier, I'm signing a contract with a new helper this Sunday. I just don't think the trust is there anymore. As I'm an employer (both in the office and at home), I just don't believe that I have to bend on my knees so many times to ask my employee to stay with me or not. If she wants the job I think it's about time that she asks me for it.


I do feel sad becos I just put myself in her shoes. She does love my son alot. She doesn't treat taking care of my son is JUST her job. At the same time I'm quite disappointed with her, I can say that I haven't done anything wrong or bad to her I wonder why I deserve this. Anyway. I just hope that she doesn't do too much crying when I ask her to go eventually.

Besides, I think the reason now for termination her is not really about the 'breasts issues'. As u read from my original post I'm not taking that too seriously as I myself also don't have proof if anyone has happened.


The reason is rather the way how she's been acting with me.

As a breastfeeding mother myself, I think I won't be too worried about siblings getting interested in breasts especially when he sees you breastfeeding his sister. He's naturally curious about breasts. But of course, it's something that I would also keep at the back of my mind but mostly I wouldn't worry.


Sometimes it's difficult when the relationship between helper and employer breaks down. A good relationship suddenly turns bad. It's really no one's fault. It just happens. It's the same with any other relationships we have. I think you and your helper are the only ones who can decide whether or not it's a relationship worth saving.


My new helper's just arrived and although she's not as smart as the previous one (who sent me into tears by leaving), she's really hardworking and a delight to work with. I'm contented :-)

Sounds like mom needs to read a few child development books.... that said...you seem to have looked for someone to blame for this behavior which (from what you've stated here)...isn't that abnormal...


Be careful mommy.......such suggestions boarderline 'sexual issues'....and those can be career threatening...from a helpers perspective, such a 'black mark' on their record would prevent them from getting any work. Your assumptions and lack of understanding of what (from what you say) is happening with the breast interest can create a problem for a helper.


If I were the helper I'd leave asap! You are a risk as an employer. You say there is something wrong...and immediatly confront her 'in a kind way'...but confront none the less....you are super-sensitive and overreacting.....a helper would and certainly could expect an employer like you to make a 'call'....and that call even if wrong...ends careers.... sounds like a decent helper.......sorry...can't say the same for you.....that she is so worried about your thoughts....well..you created an environment where she is worried to even talk to you. just my 2 cents.

oh...and going down to the kiddy room where helpers are in your own building.....dang lady.....think about what you did.


You just broadcast to the world that you dislike her so much that you will take anything in replacement..So the Bull you said about you and your husband starting conversations with....'we like you and the job your doing'...thats BS and you just proved it


.... If I don't like you....should I tell your coworkers...church members...family...friends...? That is exactly what you did. That was a terrible and very insensitive thing to do....yeah....I'd ditch you like the plague.

I agree with cara and designmgr.


This type of behavior seems completely normal for a young child.


On the other hand, you confronted your helper with no evidence and rushed down to find a new helper from among her peers - that must have been humiliating for her. She's losing her job, living space and a small part of her dignity and its far from certain that she did anything inappropriate (what your child is doing seems very natural to me).


However what is done is done and I'd move on, the relationship already seems like it is too damaged. You did what you thought you had to in order to protect your children, which is of course admirable and understandable, but I truly doubt that the helper actually did anything wrong.


Life goes on.

I found a problem, I discussed with my helper. She had none of it.


Maybe nothing happened, guess what, this is what I've been wishing for, still I think to discuss things thru with my employees shouldn't be such a big deal.


I already mentioned many times before, I didn't take the 'touching breasts' things too seriously. I just wanted to lay things down on the table and see what we both should do about it . She got so offended by it, what should I have done better sorry I do not know. Maybe you know better than I do.

Well first thing, you were in hospital for 4 months and didn't see your son? It should be your husband you get rid of, not the helper. That is disgraceful.


As for the kids behavior, entirely normal. If your child grows up in a creative atmosphere where they are allowed to explore and discover then there is nothing wrong with what you've described. If they grow up in a micromanaged atmosphere (which many mistake as being creative) then they won't and continue to be robots.


End of the day you do sound like the micromanager and your child has actually become more inquisitive without you there. That is just a normal kids coming out of his shell.

Evildeeds- I needed to be on bed-rest the entire time and I wasn't allowed to get out of the ward apart from going to the bathroom. Queen Mary didn't allow me to get out of the ward and my son wasn't allowed in. So why should I get rid of my husband. It's easy for u to suggest that when u know nothing about my situation.

People like u should be more polite when u wanna offer suggestion. My husband came to the hospital nearly everyday.


Anyway thanks for ur advice