Helper issues am I overreacting

Hi,

I hired this helper 10 months ago. She came highly recommended by her previous employer who left HK, she was an acquaintance of mine and she told me the best things about my current helper so when I hired her I agree to all her request.

1) Salary $6000

2) Free to do part time one a week (during the time she is supposed to be working for me not on her days off)


Any way generally speaking her work is good but I am finding her too demanding, I am all the time trying to please her and not the other way around and despite that I am not able to make her happy. Seems to me that she is all the time counting the months to end her contract with my family.

When she started she kept talking about her previous employer and how generous she was, how she was making more money with her because she could do more part time. I didn't reply anything but felt uncomfortable by the "innocent remarks"

I gave her the Good Friday and Sat (easter) but tell her not the following Monday since she had already taking 3 days in a row (including Sunday) and this was a public holiday not statutory holiday she said ok.

But when the next public holiday came she wanted to take it, I told her it was not for DH she then got angry and told me that if I was going to act this way she would only work for me 1 year. Seems to me she doesn't appreciate any of the other things I have agreed to. We are talking about 3 public holidays in a year. I don't want all these public holidays turn to be work days for me. But also she didn't ask for it when we sign the contract and I don't like ultimatums. Anyway I just told her I wanted her to work only few hours in the morning.

I left the whole summer, just came back but every time I ask her something she tells me no, for instance, change the bed sheets on Fridays but she says better on Monday.

I don't feel free to invite friends over for dinner I know she will get angry for the extra work and she won't be pleased to stay up late to clean the kitchen, I never had any of these issues with my previous helper.

She tells me white lies such as she didn't know she was not entitled to all public holidays she has been here for 9 years and how come she did work on Monday after Easter without any complaints?

She denies food to my kids or wants to give simple food so not much cooking and dirty dishes involved.

I lately let her cook what ever she wants so she doesn't get angry.

But I am feeling very uncomfortable about it. She spends many hours a day on her computer and on the phone in her room I am worried she is not looking after my kids when I am out for work.

I clear the table after dinner and clean the floor, she will only vacuum once a day in the morning so if I don't swept the floor after dinner all the food crumbs will stay on the floor the next day.

I wash plates whenever I am around and use something. I wash clothes on weekends, never heard thank you.

She says she never cooked for the other family since they ate out most of the time.

Am I expecting too much? Could it be that I am too demanding?

I want to keep a nice and fair atmosphere at home but I am feeling taken for a ride.

Appreciate your comments and how to address this in a constructive manner.

you are not too demanding. she is clearly not helping you, so look for a replacement asap.

It looks to me like you're still trying to satisfy the previous employer, or you're trying hard so that your helper will not say bad things about you to the previous employer.


Just tell your helper she find another employer that will be like her previous employer. It's obviously not going to work out well for you.

hello

I am a helper too . for me you are too nice to your helper. she got to much privilege from you and doing part time job is illegal. why did you agree what she wants you are the employer. when hiring a helper employer need to set the rules not the helper. sometimes we can't blame the helper for taking advantage for the kindness of employer because some employers spoiled their helper .. my advice is release her she is not happy for what you can give to her. I assure you can find a better one just don't give the start salary in a higher amount..


good luck

Spot on, Marilag, and good of you for speaking up ... seems pretty obvious what needs o be done in this situation!

Yes I know what needs to be done, the problem is that it is a total headache to find a new one that might come also with her set of problems.

On the bright side my current helper is smart, she hasn't done any stupid thing. Her cooking is good, even if complains about it, is good.

She has a presence, I mean she is a pleasant person to look, she is not wearing rags, I like that.

When my kids go to bed she makes sure they brush their teeth properly. I feel trap, I feel I am not living in my house but when I am gone at least I know my kids are with someone that uses more or less my same logic and follows the schedules.

I'm confused. I thought DHs are entitled to ALL public holidays after three months of employment. No?

I need a helper because I work and have 2 kids in school.

Helpers are entitled to 12 statutory holidays and in HK we have 17 public holidays.

Helpers are entitled since day one to all Statutory holidays but for the first 3 months of employment with no pay.

I paid mine all statutory holidays since day one, but she didn't say thank you she assumed it was a given.

As I say there are 12 statutory holidays, I have her 2 extras for Easter yet she is angry about the three remaining holidays that are public.

I will advise you to hire a finish contract with a Chinese employer , they are more behave and they can do their job well without complaining and less demanding. although you need to teach her for cooking but i think not in a long term.. Filipino helper can follow the recipe book the only trouble is we are not familiar with the ingredients..


@ NuinHK -- Buddha's birthday , good Friday ,black Saturday, Easter Monday and boxing day dec.26 is not a helpers holiday.. but its depend the agreement with your helper if you allow her to have all red calendar as her holiday too.



i am working with expat family too, with 2000 sqs. feet apartment and 2 kids.. i have a minimum salary. my privileges, Christmas present, 13month, CNY and summer holiday.. if my employers gone for 1 month summer holiday i take 2 weeks holiday in the Philippines even my employer advice me to take more days.. my reason is i need to do a general cleaning because it is only my time to do it because they are not around. i also cook the food and store it in the freezer ,so that they have food to eat when they come back, do the grocery shopping i make sure everything is done before my employers come back from holiday. i do my job even they are not around because it is the right thing to do. it is the helper need to do a good job to please their employer not the employer.. what the employer can do is appreciate for the good job done by your helper..

this is my first time to work with expat family , 3 years and 6 months now and if they want to sign again im happy for it.. all my previous employers are chinise ..

I will advise you to hire a finish contract with a Chinese employer , they are more behave and they can do their job well without complaining and less demanding. although you need to teach her for cooking but i think not in a long term.. Filipino helper can follow the recipe book the only trouble is we are not familiar with the ingredients..


@ NuinHK -- Buddha's birthday , good Friday ,black Saturday, Easter Monday and boxing day dec.26 is not a helpers holiday.. but its depend the agreement with your helper if you allow her to have all red calendar as her holiday too.



i am working with expat family too, with 2000 sqs. feet apartment and 2 kids.. i have a minimum salary. my privileges, Christmas present, 13month, CNY and summer holiday.. if my employers gone for 1 month summer holiday i take 2 weeks holiday in the Philippines even my employer advice me to take more days.. my reason is i need to do a general cleaning because it is only my time to do it because they are not around. i also cook the food and store it in the freezer ,so that they have food to eat when they come back, do the grocery shopping i make sure everything is done before my employers come back from holiday. i do my job even they are not around because it is the right thing to do. it is the helper need to do a good job to please their employer not the employer.. what the employer can do is appreciate for the good job done by your helper..

this is my first time to work with expat family , 3 years and 6 months now and if they want to sign again im happy for it.. all my previous employers are chinise ..

FifiB,


You are too generous. First her salary is way too much higher than the minimum wage for DH.Second allowing her to do PT is illegal. Thirdl;y allowing her using computer and phones during working hours. You did gave her a lot way lot than other DH.


Release her and find another. Call her bluff. Tell her gop and find employer like your prvious employer. She will beg you after.


Terminate her contract asap.


just my 10cents

Amen!

My previous filipino helper with us for 6 years. She was the boss at home althought I paid her. I tolerated her because my son was happy with her. She played with my son, cared for him, she wouldn't lie or steal. The only reason I could stand her for so long was I trusted her althought her attitude was bad and not listening to me at all. She quitted after I gave birth to my second baby , she said she couldn't handle two. Now I am having an Indonesian Helper. Indonesian helper needs longer time to train, just tell her what to do is not good enough, you have to show her but they are obedience and hard working. Finally I become the boss. I think it depends on your priority. Mine is just the kids, make sure they are safe, happy, feed well. My place not very clean and tidy just ok. I treat my helper like a kid so I care for her but will not spoil her.

Mine is clearly the boss but have to put on with it.

I will be traveling next week and my kids are in good hands I mean she is no dummy

I think she knows that because I work and need her to look after my kids she takes advantage of me.

Sounds to me like she's taken charge of your household, rather than the other way around. You definitely did a wrong thing starting her off on a higher salary without first knowing what she was going to be like, or how well she works ... now you don't have the option of offering to increase her salary as an incentive for a job well done. Well, actually, you do have that option, but it doesn't sound to me like she'd be worth a salary in excess of $6,000!! You already say that she makes you feel uncomfortable, she's demanding, and YOU are trying to please HER?! That's not the way it's meant to be. She is supposed to be making your life easier ... that's the whole point to having a helper in the first place. I appreciate the fact that you say you trust her to look after your children (even though you say she denies them food, or doesn't give them what you would like her to), which is obviously a great plus point, but her bossiness, demanding attitude, not cooking what you want her to cook, you doing the cleaning up after dinner (after, I assume, you've been working all day!), her wanting you to allow her to work part-time during her contracted hours to you (which is illegal anyway), she spends many hours on her computer and phone during working hours, and her constantly comparing you to her previous employer, would be way too much for me to put up with! Sounds to me like she's got you wrapped around her little finger ... time to show her who's boss, I think! There are plenty of good helpers out there ... you really don't have to put up with her attitude ...

I am a Filipina domestic helper and has been working for expat families too but I strongly agree with Sapphire. She hit the nail right on the head when she said "She is supposed to be making your life easier". I might not be the best helper that my employers had but I can proudly say that I did my job as was expected of me and surely made their lives easier. Of course there were incidents of misunderstandings and shortcomings but never were there intentional objections or rejections of instructions. If you feel uncomfortable in your household because of your helper's attitude, I guess it's time to remind her of the reason why you hired her and make a stand on how you want things done in your home and if she refuses to adhere to your will and try to resolve your issues, then it's time for a one-month notice. You deserve a much better helper. Good luck.

I did start paying her a higher salary because that's what her boss told me she was paying her, although when I saw her contract it was only $4000 the employer told me the reason was that after 2 months of employment she decided to pay her more because she was worth it.

The previous employer was here on a 2 year contract, my helper says she always got all the welcome stamps and send the exchange items to the Phils but I want to keep the stamps for me, I live here since 14 years ago I use the things.

Also my helper tells me the family was always out for Sat and Sun I am not and I expect to eat lunch at home on Sat she cooks it but she doesn't cook dinner that's for me to do

Sat after lunch she doesn't do much although she babysits but really she is in her bedroom my kids are not small kids anymore but I would prefer she sits with her computer in the living room with my kids while they watch a movie rather than leaving them alone.

I am a good cook so I expect certain degree I am getting tired of eating salads or simple pastas. Like I say she tells me no when I ask for a certain dish from my home country she says I can

eat it when I go home.

I feel manipulated.

@Fifib.... terminated it... i understand that you have to pay if you are the one qho terminate the contract... but why you should keep her longer if you think she is giving so much trouble... for me give up .. no hustle... no trouble... or so what ever... before is too late...

Well, someone paying a high price for peace of mind is one thing, yet this helper is blatantly refusing to do the things that her employer has requested she do; she ignores the children and stays in her own room using her computer and phone for hours when she should be looking after them (kids can get up to all sorts of things when not being supervised!); she denies them food and refuses to provide them with the food that the employer would like ... to me, this would not offer 'peace of mind', and I personally wouldn't call it 'being well cared for'!


Also (as well as all the other issues that the employer has with this helper), because her previous employer was out on Saturdays, she doesn't expect to have to cook or do anything for her current employer on that day. She even has the cheek to tell her employer 'no' when she asks her to cook a certain dish! And, whilst it's a fairly trivial matter with regards to the Wellcome stamps, if the employer wants to keep them for herself, that's her right ... how dare the helper assume that she has a right to them just because her previous employer gave them to her?! I give my stamps to my helper because I'm happy to do so, but in the beginning had she so much as hinted that she thought she should have them, they would have gone straight in bin!!


This helper is way too troublesome and is dictating all the terms to her employer. If the employer wishes to keep her for 'peace of mind', then that's up to her, but if she was happy to do that, then there's no point in complaining about all the other issues that she's obviously not happy with.


The OP said, "Appreciate your comments and how to address this in a constructive manner."


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I assume when you interviewed her you outlined what you expected her to do, such as cooking for the family, etc? That being the case, she has no reason to refuse you.


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Absolutely not! As long as you outlined what you wanted her to do when you employed her, you are only expecting her to do what is in her job description ... many employers expect far more from their helpers, sounds to me like she got an easy life and you're pussy footing around her to make it even easier!


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Expecting her to look after you kids, feed them what you would like them to be fed, and expecting her to cook for you the dishes that you would like, and do the clearing up afterwards, is not too demanding ... it's only what the majority of helpers do everyday without question ... because it's their job ... it's what they get paid to do!


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You ARE being 'taken for a ride', and the longer you let it go on the worse it will become. You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with her. Every family is different, and has different wants and needs, make sure you tell her this! She can not expect to do everything the same as she did with her previous employer ... YOU tell HER what you want her to do and how to do it, not the other way around! And if she's not willing to listen to you and take on board what you ask her, then you have a choice to make ... it's up to you ...