What do you say for a DH without current reference?

Hi Everyone,


It's our first time hiring a DH, as we are expecting early Dec. However, we got screwed up by a smart Indonesian lady who, after we raised our offer to match her expectation, done a medical check up, paid agency fee in full, text us she won't take this job and she's sorry!!! Really annoying, after holding our offer for almost a month!


Time is essence now only 7 weeks to due date. Anyway, we found one Filipino DH both my husband and I quite like. She seems smart, experienced, and pleasant.


The problem with her is, she's been working in what it seems like a well off local family for 6 years, and contract will be finished in mid Nov. When we asked for contact number of her current employer for a reference, she said they didn't want to provide the number and give me a contact number for her previous employer whom she served until 2002?!


Does it smell fishy or just me become paranoid? Would be grateful for your advice.


Thank you.

In my opinion, references are only really "valid" if they come from someone you know and trust. A reference from a stranger is only useful if it is very very positive; for example a stellar letter of recommendation. Then again a reference does not guarantee anything.


Perhaps her previous employers don't know she is leaving, or are not happy that she is leaving. Many employers become quite vindictive in this situation and badmouth the helper to prospective new employers.


There's also the all-important chemistry. A helper that does badly with one employer may be fantastic for another employer. All workplaces are different.


If you both like her and she seems like a good fit, go for it. If you still have some doubts, perhaps you can have someone you know and trust with interviewing experience talk to her. A second (or in this case third) opinion can be useful.


The fact that you both like her is far more important than what someone you don't know thinks about her.


For the record, we hired our helper without speaking to any of her previous employers. She seemed like a person with initiative, intelligence, and a happy demeanor. Three years on, we have no regrets about hiring her.

I agree with axptguy38 in part. The chemistry during the interview is very important but most helpers coming to a job interview are likely to be putting their best foot forward, and like all of us at job interviews, likely to highlight, perhaps slightly exaggerate one's best attributes, and underplay the more negative aspects of one's work performance. As you will require a maid during a joyful as well as stressful and exhausting time in your life, and during a period where a change of helper for poor performance is likely to be more stressful than usual I would try and speak to the helper's current employer and if this is not possible, then to speak to the one previous to this. Also I would check with the helper's passport that she indeed has been employed by the current employer for the said period of time......if so, the visa will state this....as a long employment history usually is a solid sign.

Reference letters are easily forged, so I wouldn't rely upon them solely, especially if I am unable to verify the contents with the writer. Finally, when interviewing the current employer on the phone, several pointers handed to me which I think have been useful, firstly verify that the person is who they say they are (one very saavy couple friends of ours was caught out by a friend of helper who acted in the role of the 'employer'), secondly, listen carefully for the things that matter in the telephone conversation, if the current employer is completely vitriolic, and I can imagine that some employers can become angry and vengeful (wrongly so.....this is a free market after all), then any information they might give is probably unreliable and may give substance to why the helper wishes to leave in the first place. If on the other hand the current employer gives reasons why the helper is no good that doesn't particularly trouble you, my current helper was described as difficult to manage, answers back, black face, wasn't a good cook....but I found her forthright, outspoken and happy to be participative in appropriate decision making, then hired her. If however they had told me that she had poor hygiene, things went missing, took out loans then I wouldn't have. She didn't get the best reference call but I hired her anyway and 3 years later I am delighted with her. Listen to the interview and you usually can glean something of the speaker and their family, and something of your potential helper. btw my helper is fabulous, the interview was correct in a way, she is does tend to speak her mind, doesn't always agree and is a perfectly terrible cook, but great for my family and my child!

Anyway I hope this helps you and good luck with it all, I can feel your stress!

HHJ.....


If she has been working for the same employer for 6 years, then one would presume that she has established a strong rapport with that employer, and if contacted they should have some fairly positive things to say about her. Did you ask her why, after 6 years of employment with the same family, that they are not renewing her contract further ?? What was her reply ?


Remember, you are taking her statements as face value, and for all you know, she has had 6 employers in the last 6 years. Do the proper due diligence, and if she refuses to provide a contact number for her current employer...move on and find another suitable DH...There are thousands of DH's looking for a job at any given time.

Thanks for all your advice!


It's exactly that we were seeking good chemistry and then we found we were always offering to those DHs that are too smart to work for us ( i.e. ask for high salary, travel allowance etc and turn us down eventually!) So I'm cautious if anyone seems charming & engaging at the interview - this is the one we are now talking about.


More importantly, as lagrue pointed out, I need to make sure she can perform well in joyful as well as exhausting/stressful circumstances, because it's hard work nursing baby and at the same time doing all other housekeeping. If she's trustworthy or what's her usual approach to work etc. Just need some objective observation from someone lived with her long enough.


According to her, they didn't extend this contract is because after serving for 6 years, the kids are now grown up and studied in the US, so the employer needs no two helpers at home. The employer knows that she's leaving and should have given her some reference be it written or a number to call. But none. The helper was very keen to explain to me that her Ma'am saying it's not necessary. I offered my tel number for her employer to call me, but they refused. (?)


I spoke to the agency yesterday regarding this case, the lady advised me that I'd better find another one, not because the reference but the DH is 50 yrs old, that she's likely not able to manage all these tasks. Does it matter how old she is?


Something's wrong in our search for DH, perhaps the criteria we are looking, perhaps the way we are making an offer to the DHs. But I'm now willing to offer to another very gentle lady, who likes cooking, got herself in nursing aid classes in her spare time. My husband is just OK with her, but I think gentle temperament and knowledge with nursing are key, rather than chemistry, i can't deal with smart DHs anymore.

"If she has been working for the same employer for 6 years, then one would presume that she has established a strong rapport with that employer, and if contacted they should have some fairly positive things to say about her."


One would hope so. Unfortunately many employers turn vindictive at this point. Also, the employers may have started taking the helper for granted, so things changed during the last contract.

I'd say that 6 years with the same employer mean a lot. I would hire such helper even without a reference letter. Just to play safe, ask her to show the last 3 contracts or relevant passport pages.

Nuri....


Excellent suggestion !! at least then HHJ can have peace of mind, that the DH is telling the truth about her claims of working for the same employer for 6 years. Having this type of track record speaks well of the DH.


As for age HHJ, my own preference (if I were in your position) would be to find a helper who is a bit younger...perhaps 30+ who has a track record of taking care of new born babies. I personally feel (note: I am saying this from experience, the fact that I lived in Philippines for 7 years, and am now married to a Filipina) that older DH's may be very 'set in their ways' and not receptive to you telling her how certain things should be done to your liking...


Just my two cents........

On the age issue - we recently employed a helper who is 50. She currently cares for our 1yo daughter at home during weekdays by herself while my husband and I both work fulltime. Plus does the cleaning/laundry/cooking. She's great with the cleaning, laundry and cooking, however despite having raised 2 grown kids of her own, and claiming her own excellence/competence/experience working with babies recently as well as her claims to agility and fitness, plus coming with a great recommendation (by friends she worked for for 4 years who don't have children), she's worked out to be really terrible with our daughter. Just too old, slow and weak, unable to manage picking her up, chasing after her, ensuring her proper care, safety etc. with any degree of competence. Even pushing our daughter in a pram seems too hard for her and looks painfully slow - not to mention dangerous. Unfortunately she has worked out to be too old and slow for our liking and will now have to go for the sake of our daughter's safety...

Having just turned the big 5-0 myself, I can't tell you how depressing these posts are! Now feeling frail and senile as I shuffle off to have a lie-down...