What to do with this helper

Hi.

My current full time helper has been with us for almost 9 months (this is the first time we had a full time helper). We are a family of 3. I am a SAHM, a five year old, and my husband is mostly traveling. Not much work as I am generally out with my daughter for her classes. Things have been going very easy, and she has always been telling me that we are one of the best employers in HK, as we respect her, give her enough rest time, give her a lot of presents etc. so I have been assuming that things have been going on perfect in the house.


Until last month, when an incident happened and I had to do some serious talk with her about her negligence. Whenever we go out during the weekends, she sleeps at 9, and I have my set of keys to open the door, so we don't expect her to wait for us. But one night somehow I forgot my keys at home, accidentally my husband's set which stays in the car was also at home that day since we had just got our car back from servicing that afternoon and he had not put all the things back yet. So we reach home around midnight only to realize that we both don't have our keys. So I start ringing the bell, calling up her mobile, my landline ( all of which were loud enough to even wake up the neighbors), but she did not open the door.so after almost one hour we decide that we should go to our friend's house to put my daughter to sleep their and then call the police as we were sure by then that definitely she is in trouble as its not possible for anyone to keep sleeping in so much noise. But luckily, when I thought of trying the last time, she woke up and opened the door. I came in and told her that sir and baby are downstairs as all the bags are down and my daughter is sleeping on the sofa at the podium, so I got my keys and left telling her that we have been ringing the bells for 55 minutes now. I went back down and when I came back after 4-5 minutes, she had already gone back to sleep. My daughter was crying a lot as she woke in mid sleep, we put her to bed, my husband gave me water, opened up the bags etc, and finally we slept after a few minutes. But the next day, it was Sunday and she had left by the time we woke up. We discussed the situation among us, and felt very hurt that we care so much for her, and last night even after knowing that so much has been going on for the pats one hour, she did not even bother to wait for us for 5 minutes to see if we might need something, or she should have come down with me knowing I had bags and a child to carry. So Monday morning I told her how I felt and how much hurt we felt after that.

She said sorry after that, and promised she would be more careful in the future.



Next week she was going back home for a holiday, and was very happy, things were normal in the house, we gave her presents and all for her family, and she was also happy to go. Now it's been three weeks since she came back. She seems to be completely changed, keeps on forgetting things, always feeling low, doesn't mix up with us. I thought maybe she is missing home, and it takes time to adjust after a holiday, I never said anything to her. I would just tell her politely that I told you to do it this way and not the way you are doing, so please do it the way we want now.



But on Monday evening she comes up to me and says she wants to quit. I told her that if she wants to leave its fine with us, As it is completely her decision where she wants to work and we cannot force her to work for us, but I wanted to know the reason as she said she wants to look for another job ( she had been fired from her last job also after 9 months)



.now the twist in the story. I have a friend in the same estate whose helper also came during the same time as mine, and they (both helpers) are very good friends. So sometimes she talk to her on the phone, which I am aware of. Now her helper is leaving as they are having problems with each other. So I asked her the reason that why she decided to leave and she said that you are not happy with me and you would fire me soon, so I want to quit and I am very scared of you. So I asked her that did your friend who is leaving brain washed you about this, as there is nothing like that. I know you are making mistakes these days, but I always thought that you are missing home. I have never ever spoken to you harshly, so what makes you scared of me. So then she said that its not her friend who has been instigating her to leave but my friend, who is also her freinds employer. This was just like a blow for me.


She said that she has been telling me that you are not happy with me, she talks bad about you with me, and has convinced me that I should not be double minded and resign. And that she trusts my friend more that me. So I asked her for how long has this been going on that you and my friend have Been talking so closely, she said around 6 months, she even secretly goes to her house and they talk on phone and discuss everything when I am not at home. And a whole lot of stories about her and my friend's close relationship. So Monday morning my friend has convinced her completely and she is resigning for that.



Now for me this was like an earthquake in the house. I called up my friend and told her that my helper wants to leave all of a sudden and told her all that she has told me, putting the phone on speaker . Then my friend says that I know this from my helper as they both discuss everything and I have been trying to convince her not to leave as its so difficult to friend a good employer in HK, and if shecond time she breaks her contract so soon, she will not be able to find a job, and days that my helper is completely lying about their relationship. So after hearing all that my friend said, she starts crying and she says its my mistake I believed someone else and hid things from me, as the person she trusted so much is now not supporting her. I just don't know whom to believe amongst the two of them. So I make her and my friend meet face to face and decide who is lying. So both of them says the other one is lying. And we reach no conclusion out of this meeting. I know my friend is a very clever lady, she could have done this, but why did my helper not tell me all this? I told both of them together that I feel betrayed by them and would never be able to trust them, or any other helper in the future. So yesterday I told her to decide once and for all what she wants to do, and if she stays things will be different from now onwards. She should not expect me to be over protective and casual with her. I will have to behave in a professional way and no more will allow her to take advantage of the situation. So she should keep these things in mind and decide.

Today morning she says she wants to stay and continue with her contract, and is sorry that she trusted someone so much that she hurt me.



But now I just don't know what to do. Whether to keep her or fire her. I know that to some extent what all she has told about my friend is true. But, why did she not tell me all these things that they discuss each and everything happening in my house and are discussing me. And that too for the past 6 months, when all the time she has been telling me that I am so lucky to have an employer like you.



Or on second thoughts, give her a benefit of doubt that she got influenced with someone and did all this. But again, I am the one paying her and her loyalty should be towards me not my friends. How can she even dare to talk to my friends about me.


Just too much going on in my mind. Please suggest what you would have done if you would have been in place of me.


Thanks

BTW, my daughter loves and and till last week, I was also very fond of her. But things are different now for me.

frankly your friend is not a very good friend


secondly you should establish a rule that she cannot talk to anyone about your household or anyone living inside of it. we have this rule in our home and it's not only to protect ourselves but also to protect the helper.


i would give her a 3 month probation or something like that. tell her what your new rules are, preferably document them on a paper that she countersigns and then give her the 3 months to evaluate her

The decision lies on you. If you feel the employer-employee relationship has been destroyed then time to decide before it is too late. The damage has been done.. and to fix or repair it., effort must be exert. We don't know each individual's mind, some are pretending to be good, some say sorry but their real feeling don't feel that way. So, just be aware in everything and observe every now and then. Because we don't know......

I think the story could be true. Imagine this: the helper goes to visit her other helper friend. She gets to know that helper's boss and they start chatting. They become friendly and the boss gives her opinion, and her opinion is that she may get fired etc so it's better for that helper to resign.


Of course, when the "friend/boss" is suddenly confronted by Joan21, she will want to deny it. But you can see how this situation could develop. The other friend thought she was just being friendly towards Joan's helper.


Joan - if you feel you value your helper and it's difficult to find another, then you can give her another chance. We must understand that "helpers" are human beings too, and we are asking them to live in our families. We can expect that things won't be perfect all the time but it's a growing relationship between the two sides.


You lay down the ground rules: no talking to other people about what goes on in the house, etc etc...


HOWEVER: if you feel like the trust is gone, then don't worry. Many families in HK go through 3 or 4 helpers before they find the 'one' - the one they can live with and who can fit in with their family.


I also feel you need to resolve something with your friend. I don't know how close you are to her, but if she lives in your building, your paths will cross and it could be awkward. You could offer her some kinds words - such as, I understand you were just trying to help my helper etc - to make sure she is on your good side. But still - I would be careful of her and careful about trusting her again.

Helpers often 'chit chat', and try to make employers seem bad, my own ex-helper tried to tell me stories about previous employers or other helpers employers, I told her not to do that, I will not listen, and if she continues she will be fired, and she stopped, and behaved herself in that way, she understood I would not tolerate idle gossip.

A good honest helper would not talk about their employer's friends on their back, in fact, a good person should not even do so, and what kinda of benefit do they get out of this?


I've heard many stories on how they behave, making up stories, and why they got fired. I guess you have to clarify things with her on what you can offer, not what options she gets. I know that it may be harsh consider that you have a good relationship with her, but you have to create the barrier, and make her understands that even you are friendly with her, she should not really cross the line and there's still the terms: employer and employee, mama and helper. If they make things right, they way you teach them, you can loosen a bit and give them pressie or longer rest and so on.


It is very easily be influenced by their friends, especially if they are new to the city. People would tell them tricks, how to play smart, telling lies, etc.


They gain your trust very easy, and mess things up much easier.

fire her


you have lost trust in this person


she did not trust you either


she is now staying only because she does not want to be jobless


how can you trust such a person to look after your kid and live in your house now?


better to be safe than sorry...

I will fire her pronto. It is my home and my rule. First rule, no talking or gossiping about me/my family behind my back…. If you have any questions, come to me direct and clear it out with me.


Your helper has some integrity/value problem, what kind of a person would bad-mouth another person who has always been treating her so good and generous (based on your input)… Okay assuming she has a more closely friendship with your friend, but hey, she then rat her out and told you all things that was said supposedly to be “secret advice”. Your helper is a “two-headed snake” kind of person and I would not ever trust that kind of person in my household.


As to your ”friend”, you are the one who would know what kind of a person she is… after all you two are “friends” , you need to trust your own judgment and decide… I am with iattendu’s reply, what will she gain by persuading your helper to leave… it just doesn’t make sense to me. You being her friend, why would your friend side with a maid and make you look bad?


“I know that to some extent what all she has told about my friend is true.” wow… to me, there is no friendship between you and your friend!!

Thank you all for your valuable suggestions. About the two people involved in this issue:-


1. My friend(or so called) - she lives in my neighborhood, and we being expats from the same country, having a lot of common friends, our husbands being good friends, makes it difficult for me to avoid her completely, though I do not trust her now, and I did not trust her before as well. I know she can do this, as I have seen her other friend's helpers coming to her house to work on Sundays, without their employers knowledge, and that time also I remember advising my friend that helpers are not more important than friends, so do not do this without your friends' permission. So if this can happen with someone else, why not me. With her my relationship now is if we meet somewhere, we are courteous and behave formally, but inside we both know things are not the same now. Her husband also somewhere knows to what extent his wife can go, so even he did not try to talk to me about this. Yes, our husbands talk, whatsapp as before, but not me.


2. My helper - I have given her another, and last, chance as my daughter loves her. She has been with me for almost one year, and has never ever answered back or behave in a rude way. She is good at her work and if I ignore this one incidence, she is a good helper. Agree with what Slammy said, it's sometimes easier to get influenced by people who know how to manipulate their talks. Even I was very influenced by my friend when I first met a few years back, but very soon understood what type of a person she is, so I know what to expect. But yes agree, this does not give my helper the benefit to discuss my home with her.


It was a difficult week for us deciding what to do. I had a good long talk with my helper, and have explained it to her that things need to improve. She needs to earn my trust back, and have given her some written guidelines. And she herself feels sorry for what she did. We have mutually decided to see if things work out between us for 2 months, and if we both feel by then that we are not comfortable with each other, we can finish the contract. Lets see how things work out in the coming two months.

Are both the same the helpers will not chit chat if the employers are good vice versa the female employers are also the same if the meet their friends they used to chit chat also with helpers and some have comparison that;s why sometimes good employers change becoz they were influenced by bad employers

SAHM of 1 child needs a helper??...