Does anyone else out there feel silly about having a helper?

Posted by green (Oct. 25, 04)


Hi,

Just curious. We've lived in HK about 10 weeks now. I was feeling frustrated trying to find babysitters here so we decided to bite the bullet and hire a live in. She's been here a week and is very sweet. My toddler loves her already and it is nice to be able to go to the Gym or get a haircut without waiting for my husband to get home, but I must say I feel a bit odd having someone else clean my house for me. I'm sort of embarrassed and haven't told most of my friends back home. Just wondering if anyone else feels this way. I've never had the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom and am enjoying the time with my daughter, but sort of feel like I don't have a job now.

Father of the House

(Oct. 25, 04)


So why didn't you do what many other people do, and hire a once or twice a week cleaning lady?


Bones

(Oct. 25, 04)


you'll soon get used to it. then you'll wonder how you managed all those years without. then you'll never be able to go back.


welcome to hong kong.


green

(Oct. 26, 04)


I didn't do a weekly cleaning lady, because that wasn't the need. Truly, I just wanted to go out to dinner once in a while with my husband and go to the Gym without the little one. I'm sure I'll get spoiled really quick. thanks


Buddy

(Oct. 26, 04)


I felt the same at first! Now we are all used to each other and more relaxed about everything. Why not take time to teach your helper to cook food you want your toddler to eat? Sign up for the Learn Cantonese class that everyone means to do but never does! Take your toddler out knowing that you can enjoy time with her without rushing back to sort out dinner or do the ironing. There are Mum and tot classes at the YMCA .As far as telling friends - I felt the same on this too! However think about when people hire help at home: babysitters, au pairs, childminders. You are an employer, providing a job with (hopefully!!!) good working conditions. Don't feel guilty - work out how to maximise the time cos you sure won't get the chance again when you return to UK. Enjoy!


green

(Oct. 26, 04)


Thanks Buddy,

I think you're exactly right. When else am i ever going to be this free of responsibility? I met someone here who always wanted to take drum lessons, so she's doing it. Pretty cool.


scarlettx

(Oct. 26, 04)


I must say I feel a bit guilty as I absolutely love having a

helper and have no problems telling all my friends back

home (who are very jealous!). Mine is full time but

doesn't live in so I still have some of my own

responsibilites! But it does allow me more time to

spend with my son without having to worry about

tedious domestic stuff and I treat my helper like a

member of the family and enjoy her company. So make

the most of it!


SunnySideUp

(Oct. 26, 04)


my only fear is loosing my privacy. i like to be able to walk around the house semi undressed if i feel like it, unless you have TONS of space, doesn't it feel wierd to always have someone around?


hkkm

(Oct. 26, 04)


I don't currently have a helper, but the idea has crossed my mind as we are trying for a baby and so I'm thinking about the future.

Like SunnySideUp, I can't ever imagine sharing my house with a stranger. Our helper's room is small, windowless, airless, and isn't a place that I could ever imagine asking someone to live in. I value my privacy fiercely, and the idea of managing a baby is scary enough without having to manage a helper too. On the other hand, what do you do if you want to go to the gym, or out to dinner? There does seem to be an unmet demand for trustworthy daycare / babysitting for expats.


Merlin

(Oct. 26, 04)



Yes, it can take some getting used to having a complete

stranger living in your house, but consider the fact that it must

be really uncomfortable for them initially, too! My helper has

been living in with me for the last seven years, she is

wonderful; her niece now lives with us as well (we gave them

a spare bedroom as opposed to the normal 'prison cell' that

passes for "amah's quarters" in most flats) and I could not

manage without them. They are helpers, friends, confidants,

family now, and have been there to help me through all sorts

of agonies e.g. after the very difficult birth of my second child,

when I contracted a severe pelvic infection, couldn't walk

even the few steps from my bed to the bathroom, leaving

rivers of blood behind me for them to clean up, they had to

help me onto the toilet and clean me affterwards, hold my

head up as I vomited from the medication... They are

treasures! It is worth the effort; there are thousands of families

with live-in helpers and it is really not that big a deal to get

used to the idea.


Mrs Miggins

(Oct. 26, 04)


It is weird having a helper at first. I hae a p/t helper and I still feel weird about that, however i work late and 5.5 days a week and I just cannot cope with all the ironing and cleaning on top of this.


If I had a kid I would definately have one.


You can also look at it another way. You have only been in Asia for 10 weeks. You are yet to see the desperate circumstances that some of these ladies have come from. Some of the Filipina ladies are from very poor backgrounds and there are no opportunities to earn money back home. Working as your Amah, she will earn money that goes along way back home. I used to feel embarrassed and think that it was a bit cheeky asking someone else to clean up your mess. My p/t Amah (due to her efforts as a helper) has put her 2 kids thru Uni and they now have good jobs in the States. If someone had not employed her, she may not have been able to do this.


Before anyone gets on my case - my comments are not saying - oh we are doing them a favour. I am saying that don't feel too bad as it is can be a win-win situation.


I learn't my lesson after about 6 months in Asia. I was staying in a hotel and this guy kept running up and putting the towel on teh deck chair for me. I was mortified and told him that he didn't need to do it. After about the third day he said to me - please, this is my job, I need the money, please let me do it. Whilst we may think it is degrading others to let them do something menial for us, often it is the case that this person would not be employed if you don't let them.


Enjoy Asia, enjoy your helper and get some real quality time with your kid.


tia

(Oct. 26, 04)


I have a PT helper and I love it. At first, and with certain people now, I feel a slight embarassment that I no longer clean my own house...however, I can (a) afford it and (b) need it. I am so rarely home that when I am, I want to enjoy it, not rush around cleaning.


The girl who had my flat before me left me the helper's name and I rang her, met her and all was good. In some ways, I did feel a little guilty that just bc the flat changed hands, she would be out of a job. She's great and I am glad I have her.


I love that when I come home on Friday, my flat is clean and ready for the weekend! :-)


erica18

(Oct. 26, 04)


Why not see the help the domestic helper gives you as a way to save your marriage and make it better?


Less time spent on cleaning, ironing, shopping, etc. means you are in a much better mood to look after your husband, and no arguments about who takes the rubbish out


bw

(Oct. 26, 04)


I just let my part-time helper go after employing her for 10 months. I don't mind the work but with a toddler it is tough getting it all done. When my baby was younger it was impossible to even have a shower ..had to wait till my husband got back home. Having a p/t helped me spend more time with my baby. Now I'm considering having a live-in cause otherwise I'll go crazy..no friends or family to help out even with ocassional babysitting ! I'm worried about the same things..not just my privacy but the maid's too. If it's uncomfortable for us just imagine how hard it must be for her. Well hopefully I will find someone who will become a part of our family too ! I don't feel it is silly or something to be ashamed about...we need the help.


A Mum

(Oct. 26, 04)


I get a bit embarassed too when people ask me who looks after my

children and I tell them we have 2 helpers (one is my mum's) as they think

you are loaded with money. I feel very lucky that in HK we can afford to

hire helpers to cook, clean and look after our children full time at $3670 a

month. There isn't anywhere in the world (except Malaysia, Singapore,

Saudi Arabia etc..) that regular people can afford private nannies and

homecare. My sister has a full time nanny in Sydney and her salary per

month is our helper's annual salary.


tigan

(Oct. 26, 04)


A Mum: Huh? Your sister's helper's monthly salary equals to a HK helper's annual salary?? Are you sure?? Maybe I should consider flying to Australia to become a helper.......


green

(Oct. 27, 04)


Thanks for all the feedback. For those who don't have help and mentioned the privacy issue, surprisingly, that hasn't been bad. We don't really see our helper much in the evenings or first in the AM. After supper, she goes to her room and pretty much stays there. We bought her a TV and I made the room as comfortable as possible. We discussed her first day that after dinner, she's done work for the day. I told her if the baby cries at night, i'll get it don't worry. She wants her privacy too. And we can close the kitchen door to be safe. thanks