Posted by
MayC
19 yrs ago
Here's the story. I have a helper. Her contract finishes this October.
I have a problem with her attitude. Generally, I'm a very easy going employer. I do not scold her unless absolutely necessary. I tell her what I want and let her get on with them. I've only confronted her 4 times in 2 years. All these confrontations have been about how I teach my little girl. I feel she's not as flexible. My little girl is very attached to me so when I come home and she sees me, she'd stop eating and she'd climb over me. My helper would sulk and would scold her. Each time I see them together, she seems to be scolding my little girl. I feel like saying something but we'd only end up arguing. She doesn't listen. She just argues then says I'm hot tempered to her. And I only raise my voice because she won't listen to me. It seems more peaceful not saying anything but she pulls on a really long face each day when my little girl misbehaves (or wants mummy). I feel my helper isn't patient with her and isn't flexible.
I don't know what to do simply because I don't know if her behaviour is not acceptable or it's just normal because of her responsibility for my child. What do you think?
I want to talk to her but she'll end up retaliating and we'll end up arguing. Sometimes I'm so fed up and I'm so afraid of hiring again but I have no choice because I'm a working mother.
Help!!! What should I do?
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bolly
19 yrs ago
There is noone who can give you the right answer. This has also been my one and only problem, the others I can ignore.Luckily my girl is 14 now, but it goes on ---. if it was me, I have only one choice, I would not take this from anyone. She is there to help, not to tell me when I should or should not --- and also scolding the child is not her prerogative.She can tell me and then I can choose to tell my child.But then I know the hassle of hiring another one, the child has to learn to get to know them again. All the best and this is every mother's worry.take care,
Bolly
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mrsl
19 yrs ago
Sounds like you have the patience of a saint! If I was uncomfortable with the way anyone treated my children they would be out that minute! I have put up with poor housework, no cooking etc., but have no tolerance for anyone who does not follow my lead on the children.
There are plenty of people out there who are good with children and would love the 'nanny' aspect of the job. Does not sound as if your daughter is crazy about her either. If I were you I would suggest that your helper finds another job that is more suited to her personality.
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The issue is simply whether the well-being of your DH or of your child is more important to you. Only you know the answer to that.
As for entrusting a child to someone who you think might "retaliate".... words fail me.
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Do you think you'd still be employed if you didn't listen to your boss, argued with your boss and constantly sulked?
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Gosh, you're so patient! I would never be able to put up with all that! In my view, there are several issues here:
First, she's not nice to your child
Second, she keeps arguing with you and answering back
Third, she sulks and is the kind of person to retaliate
If it were me, I would replace her. I could not tolerate a helper who was unkind to my children. And I also expect my helper not to answer back or argue with me (just like I wouldn't argue or answer back to my boss at work). She's taking a salary from you, so she basically has to follow your instructions and be cooperative. If she doesn't want to do the work, she shouldn't take the money.
If you do replace her, I'd be very careful how you do it if I were you. One of my helpers walked out 2wks ago when she found out I was intending to replace her because she'd been stealing. I was very careful but she was devious and snooped through my stuff (while I was at home!). With 2 very young kids and an extremely busy hubby, it's really left me in a tight spot. You say you're a working mum, so I guess no childcare would be even worse for you than unsatisfactory childcare. Proceed with caution!
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i cannot tolerate an employee who talks back to me,period.she obviously doesn't know where she stands. if i were you, i will get rid of her adn find someone else who is more suited for me and my child.
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I do not have children, but to me:
URGENTLY, every Sunday from now on interview helpers until you find one you feel will be more able to HELP you achieve the goals YOU set out. Then dump your old helper ASAP and before the contract expires. Pay the notice and other costs and get someone who will work with you to HELP raise your child and achieve your goals the way you decide.
I have this same position with ALL of my employees (in business as well as domestic). As the boss every employee is there to help me move our group towards successful achievement of the group’s goals. An employee who is not helping is an unnecessary burden, and inefficiency in the process. As boss my single job is to eliminate and avoid inefficiencies for the whole group. Either the staff is realigned to become efficient or they are avoided with all haste.
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I would not delegate final decisions for something as important as my child. Further, if I gave relatively unskilled staff explicit instructions and they chose to argue rather than follow directions. I would most certainly consider them prime candidates for early retirement. I don’t believe this is micro-management, it is management.
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MayC
19 yrs ago
Thanks to all who have replied. I'm trying to digest what you've all said so I could make the right decision.
Today when I went home for lunch, my little girl did the same thing again. She was almost finished with her lunch, saw me and wanted to sit on mummy's lap. Before I could say anything to my little girl, my helper decided to tell me, "This has to stop".
So I have a question to Bumpkin..... would you consider this acceptable or not? (no sarcasm intended).
I must admit that for myself, I was offended. I didn't say anything to her because we'd end up arguing and I didn't want that - at least not in front of my baby. So I'll be speaking to her tonight and once again about how I'd like to discipline my little girl.
The thing is, I agree that she should be able to express her opinions and I respect them but at the same time, I find that the situation is more like I'm proposing something to her and she'll tear it down because she thinks her ways are better. And I get so mad. So both of us are frustrated. Bumpkin, in a way, you could be right. Perhaps our views on child-rearing are so different that it's better for both of us to look for something new. I may need to look for someone who has the same values as I do and who has the patience to understand that a child needs to be a child sometimes, not a soldier in a military camp.
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i am also someone who can tolerate slowness, forgetfulness, clumsiness but NOT someone who i suspect is mean to my child. i know where you are coming from, it is very difficult to leave your child to your helper unless you trust her completely. i gather from you message you are very uneasy to do so. if your gut feeling is to get rid of her, do it. do it quick. you never know what goes on in your home while you are at work. also i will not tolerate anyone telling me my kid is not allowed to be happy to see mom home, and thus want to 'waste' a few minutes during lunchtime to sit on mom's lap! it has nothing to do with child rearing views - it all boils down to how much longer she has to wait to get on to her next task - washing the dishes.
i am very lucky to have found the right helper - she has been with us for 5 yrs now - she is very good to my kid - and that's all i ask for. in return, i am very flexible with her - she can nap in the daytime if there is nothing to do, or she can go out on sat night and come back mon morning.
good luck!
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oops, sorry, i meant employee. Excuse me.
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My helper and I have reached a good understanding: sometimes her opinions are different from mine when it comes to childrearing, I respect her opinions and she accepts that she has to do things my way when dealing with my child, because that's what she's paid to do. She can follow her own ideas on her own child if she has one in the future.
That said, the differences in opinion on childrearing are only in a few instances and her 'philosophy' is not too far away from my own. I think if the helper and employer have two completely different attitudes and disagree on many aspects of childrearing, it is probably better for the employer to find someone whose ideas are more similar to their own.
This happens in the world of work as well: if the employee fits in well with the company culture and agrees with the company philosophy, the situation is generally more agreeable to both parties.
About arguing back: I think it depends on what the situation is and the helper's manner. According to the rules, she has to follow my lawful and reasonable instructions, otherwise I am entitled to fire her. If she doesn't agree with what I've asked her to do, she could politely request confirmation of the instruction.
E.g.
Me "Please give Baby a bottle of milk."
Helper "If he drinks milk now, he won't eat his lunch. Do you still want me to do it?"
Me "Yes, please. I'm sure."
Helper "Alright then."
I also don't think it's acceptable for the helper to comment on the employer's parenting skills or to give unsolicited advice or instructions to the boss. The employer is the boss and should be seen to be in charge. I would certainly not comment on my boss's profesional skills at work, so I don't expect my helper to comment on me at home.
As far as not wanting to argue in front of the child - be careful the helper doesn't 'use' that. She might think "I can do what I like because my employer won't say anything in front of the child." So long as the disagreement is calm and controlled, I think it's okay for the child to witness it.
I am very careful to be fair to my helpers and within my means I also try to be generous, so I don't expect any arguing back. The one I now have doesn't argue with me at all. The one I've just fired for stealing argued whenever I caught her doing something wrong and also when I terminated her.
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ShazP
19 yrs ago
i would not tolerate a DH like that MayC. I would change her before her contract ends!
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MayC
19 yrs ago
The exchange between my maid and I would have been something like this...
Me: Can you please give my baby a bottle of milk?
Helper: Mam if your baby drinks now he won't eat his lunch.
Me: It's okay, please still give her the milk.
She feeds and baby sees mummy and doesn't want her to feed
Helper: Mam, she's playing naughty. She's always like that when you're around. This has to stop
Me: (nicely) It's okay, give it to me, I'll feed. Maid then leaves the room sulking.
OR
Me: It's okay feed her when I'm gone (usually only have half an hour with her before I leave for work). Maid also leaves the room sulking.
Me in my heart, "Hate that bloody temper of hers!!" but never say it out.
Last time I confronted her and said, "Never mind if she plays up. I'm leaving half an hour anyway. Be more flexible with her. She's obviously happy to see mummy. She's always good when I leave anyway".
Sure discipline is a must..... but it shouldn't always be "no no no" all the time to children.
Yesterday my baby and maid came to my office. They were only here for 15 minutes. Baby wanted to sit on my lap. In front of all workers, my maid said, "Baby, you have to stop. If not, we go home". She said that five times at least. It should be me saying that (if and when I choose to say it). Not her. But I couldn't say anything in front of everyone. Just took my baby and said, "Come with mummy. You can sit with me for 5 minutes before I call the taxi"... and my maid sulked.
I'm not great... but at least I'd like to parent my baby my way. Some stuff I won't tolerate like touching sharp objects or anything hot, throwing stuff or showing her temper..... but there are things that I don't feel we need to be so harsh. I want to be the one to decide it. That's the thing.
I appreciate my helper's input but I feel that she should respect my ways as well. My husband came home the other night and picked her up in the middle of her meal. We all do it. Helper didn't protest. So I don't see why she sulks when I do it and allows my husband to do it.
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MayC ~
I really sympathise with your situation. The feeling I'm getting is that you're a very nice and gentle person who shies away from confrontation and arguing. But your helper is taking advantage of this, and stuck in the middle, you child is getting hurt. It's probably just your helper's personality to be insistant, but I think her sulking is inexcusable.
If I were you I would find a new helper whose temperament is better suited to your family. I think you need someone who is gentle (like you), not pushy. Then you can avoid constantly having to defend your instructions / wishes.
I would definitely not renew this helper's contract, I would start looking for a replacement straight away. And I can't help emphasising: BE DISCREET! Don't let your present helper find out. She sounds very bolshy and like the type of person to cause a lot of trouble on the way out.
Replacing a helper is soooo hard. Today I learned that my new additional is going to be delayed by months because the agency I was forced to use has screwed me. I have a one year old and a two year old and only one helper. I'm supposed to be working on my MPhil application but now I've no chance of meeting the application deadline, so I'll have to wait round until next year. All because my hateful thieving previous helper, who I treated only with kindness, walked out when she discovered (by snooping through my stuff)that I was planning to replace her. Moral of the story: Be super super careful. And get the ball rolling asap because you might end up waiting much longer than planned for your replacement to arrive.
Sorry if the above sounds a bit strongly worded...I'm just so frustrated at how unfair it all is.
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bw
19 yrs ago
I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's ridiculous the way she keeps reprimanding your daughter for sitting on your lap ! It happens all the time. I'm feeding my son his dinner and my hubby is home..all chaos for a few mins..hugging, kissing, telling him all about his day and then he gets back to dinner. What's the big deal ? You need to find another helper because this one is obviously causing you too much stress - not worth it. You have to be comfortable with the person you leave your child with when you go to work.
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I am facing a similar situation and I am looking for a replacement. I do not mind if the house is not clean but she must love children and have patient with 2 year old. I also have a newborn.
It is difficult to tell during the interview session whether the potential helper is patient with children and willing to take instruction from employer. I hired my helper because she said she loves looking after children and very patient but it turns out she is not. Anyway I found her data through this website.
Would it be better to go through Agent? I have visited a few, but they don't seem to know the helper any more than what I saw from the bio-data given to me. I am talking about the personality side, what it says from the paper is helper has experience in newborn...
Any input is very much appreciated. Thanks.
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mrsl
19 yrs ago
Not sure about going through an agent. In our experience, they try to place the ones whose visas are running out first rather than pay attention to your requests. not to mention mess up the paperwork etc....
My preference would be for word of mouth or find someone on this website. At least you can do a daily trawl, arrange interview times that suit you and be confident that they will deal with the application efficiently.
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Thanks Mrsl for your comments. Anyone has helper to recommend? English speaking Philiphino or Indonesian, great and patient with young children is prefered. Thanks.
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