what would you do????

Ok I know we have most probaly had our helper issues. I would like some feedback or opinions on what you would do in the following situation.

Our helper (phillipino) has family here in HK which I thought would be a good thing and she also helps one of my friends who doesnt have a helper with the odd babysitting ironing etc.


Recently I find out from my friend our helper has been telling her very personal details about my husband and I to her. We have been more than fair to her. She has been with us for 6mths and I gave her time off at xmas and paid airticket to see her family but feel she has crossed the line in her position by gossiping to not only my friend but to god knows who else. Not to mention the recent bleaching of our carpet which now has a lovely white patch in the lounge room (this is not such a big deal but seeing its all happened at once) I am not sure whether to have a quiet chat/warning with her or just terminate her. Other than these above issues she is generally ok! I am also curious whether anyone else gets the call at work at least once a month "(5 year old) daughter is being nasty to me". Appreciate any response.

I wouldn't fire her right away- talk to her. Maybe she was talking about your husband and you more casually and didn't intend to be gossiping- who knows??? Don't jump to conclusion- just talk to her. If she calls you once a month about your daughter- then also talk to your daughter- she is old enough to understand that a maid has to be respected- maybe your maid is having a hard time with your kid and then I would address this issue with both of them.......not just the maid.......to solve the problem. Hiring another helper doesn't necessarily eliminate the problem that might exist-a new maid could also face problems with your kid. Good luck.

May I know how old your helper is???

thanks for your reply. She is 35. In regards to the information given to my friend and most probaly her family that live close by it was in regards to more of a intimate nature as in what she finds in our drawers etc dont want to go into to many details. This is information I wouldnt tell a friend. She spoke to my friend in the sense she wanted some kind of opinion as if she was horrified. My friend is from the phillipines but married to a foreigner.

We have the talk many times with my daughter that when we are not around she is to listen to the helper and usually she does. Most of the time is around bath time as often we are not home from work until around 7pm. My husband wants her gone but I am of the thought if I find someone else will have to go through explaining it all over again. I have come to the conclusion you will never finds someone you are 100% happy with.

Hello,


I think many of them tend to tell other people (their friends or yours friends !)too many private things they see and hear at their employers'. I've been able to see it too...

I think you should talk about it with her and tell her you expect her not to talk about your private life to her friends. And to point out this is very important for you.


As for your daughter, I think it's a bit strange that she calls you !!!! It seems very imature. I understand it's irritating you. Does she like your daughter ? How does your daughter behaves with her ? Is she happy to be with her during the day ?


You should have a good conversation with her.

And don't hesitate to make your husband participate because they usually take it more seriously !


Good luck

Hubby is away for the next three weeks, so will let him calm down and he can discuss further with her. As for my daughter well both children are at school all day so yes I believe is immature and have told her many times she is the adult but I think another firm talk about her role is in order. Thanks for the feedback

In regards to your daughter and the helper not getting on I think you need to establish is your daughter being difficult (not getting on with bedtime routine etc) or is she being nasty in a more traditional sense (hitting, teasing?). What sort of discipline tools have you discussed with the helper? Perhaps she needs some ideas on how to deal with the behaviour.... I know the kids can drive you nutty at about that time of night and I am sure there is more than one husband who has had a call from a wife saying a particular kid is being naughty etc. Our helper has instructions to call only if they are being really disobedient which doesn't happen. Also I think helpers don't have the power we do as parents to discipline (cancel playdates, grounding, no pocket money) and always run the risk that the parent will come home and dismiss it all anyway and not back them up. Children are very perceptive and soon know that the helper has no real power. Perhaps just put some sort of procedure in place for reporting later when the situation is more calm, or help her with ways of dealing with your daughters behaviour. A lot depends on the childrens age. I think that misunderstanding occur between our helper and children when she is not listening carefully to what they are trying to tell her (English issues?) or she is so "task" oriented wanting everthing to be done that she is not taking the time to listen to our 4 year who perhaps wants something a particular way.

As a housewife for a good ten years before coming to HK I too have had a few domestic disasters (spilled bleach, red cordial on carpets, mixed wash disaster, broken glasses) so as long as it was just an accident and she doesn't repeat these kinds of mistakes I think it is sort of like if you are the only one who ever washes up then of course you are the only one who ever breaks anything. On the privacy front I would read the riot act... she is never to discuss what goes on in your home with her family or friends.. and remind her that no one ever keeps a secret so it will always get back to you. People are however by nature gossips so I don't think this is really that unusual an ocurrance.

My daugther isnt being nasty to her just difficult and I know what she is like when she is difficult and I have instructed the helper that if my daughter or my son for that matter talks to her in a rude manner she is too tell them not to speak to her in that way but saying and getting her to do this is part of it. I think my main issues has been the invasion of our privacy so I think I will read her the riot act and I think this will give her a bit of a wake-up call that we know whats going on. The carpet bleaching/breakages arent really a concern I was once housewife in Australia so I can understand. I think I need to be more specific as in dont use bleach for cleaning carpets etc etc.

Thanks for all the replys. It puts more clarity on the situation. I realised I was thinking more emotional about the situation.