Should I terminate DH contract?

I don't know what do to do about our helper and it's just not working out. She is our first helper and has been with us for 6 months. We wanted someone to keep the house tidy, wash iron etc and look after our 5 year old so we could go out regularly again. We pay well, she has extra days off, as and when needed, and as long as everything is done we are really easy going about her popping out through the day etc.


She is a really nice lady, happy, friendly etc but has not bonded with our son at all. I don't feel comfortable leaving them for more than a couple of hours, this sounds terrible but I wouldn't trust her to take him on public transport etc as I don't feel she's got enough common sense about her to keep him safe.


Communication is also a problem - we often have to tell her things many many times and today she broke the oven by doing something completely silly and it's going to cost a fortune to repair or possibly replace. She seems to be in a complete world of her own and we're fed up of trying to get through.


Positives are that she cleans and irons brilliantly and is nice.


So, to summarise, first helper, we really haven't got a clue about what to do. We have already sat down and talked to her seriously about 2 months ago and there was a slight improvement and she started trying a bit harder with our son. But now we feel we're further back than when we started. What do we do? Are there steps you have to take before terminating contracts? Would we be mean to terminate a contract over these issues? Do we have to give reasons to immigration? Don't want to prevent her getting another job - she seems great with babies and as I said generally things are ok. Can we hire again straight away or do we have to wait etc?


Any help or advice gratefully received, thanks

Rosa

funny....


Rosi and rosa71 have almost the same problem (arent they the same person too?)


notmeok and notyou in the other threads got more similiraties too.


Just a thought ( pls. dont attack me for this) I'm just free to read threads today.


:)

Just because 2 or 3 people may have similar sounding problems or names may not mean they are the same person and everyone does think their problem is slightly different. Nothing wrong with that, is there? You've got be completely schizophrenic to be posting in your own post or one after another. Imagine keeping your story straight, one has had helper for 6 months, other for 6 weeks, one has 3 kids+a dog, other has 2 kids, etc etc!! That would take quite a bit of effort and time, cc77.

Bonding with the child is tricky.


Many people get jealous (they will never admit it though) of the helper being too well bonded - but these are the particular type who outsource everything and don't even take their own dog for a walk! We all know that type nad having them in our buildings.


Oh,just remembered a post on here where a woman had hired a helper exclusively for entertaining her dog, and she was thinking about terminating her because she hadn't bonded with the dog!


But a child and dog are much different.


You don't sound like the kind of person who is a slave driver and rude (abusive) to the helper - children in those families of course often don't bond to the helper (those kids sometimes dont even get in much trouble, if any, if they are cheeky or even hit the helper - this happens, check the labour cases) besides receiving psychological abuse in the workplace which is also your home would be horrific!


Back to the pint, the "outsoucer" (high child bonding) and the "abuser" (no bonding) are the opposed ends of the spectrum, and you are somewhere between.


Also, your little boy may love his mummy and daddy so much that he doesn't bond to the helper - it takes two to bond, of course.


No helper is perfect.

Honesty, trustworthiness, decency and reliability are your 1st priorities.

If they bond well is below these.


You have to decide if the problem is:

1. you really don't trust her with the child's safety,and if these are really valid reasons - can't just guess; or

2. you'd feel happier if she bonded well with your son.


You haven't mentined what her cooking/shopping/general autonomy skills are like - these things we take for granted until we have someone who is a complete dud!


A new helper may be useless at ironing and cleaning, cook well (maybe), bond well with your son, but be damn lazy! or sneaky, or ask for loans,or be on the phone all tthe time (but they need outside contact dont forget as they are isolted n a foreign country and inside a HK apartment, which aint all that big even if you have 3700sqft), and have debt collectors calling at all hours, or be sneaking out, selling tyour soap and food on Sundays, staling and hocking your stuff, talk on the phone and just plant your sone in front of the tv when you are out and not considering whether the material he is seeing is appropriate for a 5 yr old, not ensure he washes his hands after being to the bathroom, keep bad company, teach your son bad language or habits, over-spoil by bonding to the extent that discilpine is lost by her and ultimately you!


But don't forget, helpers aren't as sohisticated or as much of all-rounders as an English nanny (or as expensive!). You have to train her a bit.


Good luck, the above is just a warning about the grass not always being greener on the other side

If you're satisfied with her apart from the childcare, then I would suggest hiring a part-time nanny. (I can even recommend a good one if you're interested.!) If you are doing most of the childcare, and can rely on the DH to look after your kid for 1-2 hours when you need to pop out, you could just have a nanny once or twice a week to take your son out for an outing.


But if you're not satisfied with her in general, you will probably need to think about replacing her. It is difficult to choose between someone who is a nice person but not terribly good at their job, and someone who is good at their job but not a very nice person.


All in all, if you can sort out childcare and you think you can live with the rest, then keep her. As Maxis points out, it can get a whole lot worse. But if all the small stuff adds up to overall dissatisfaction then start looking around for someone else.