Posted by
mb
17 yrs ago
Have had a helper for 6 months and I am still not comfortable with sharing my "space" with another person in the house. We have 1 child - I do 90% of the childcare, DH takes care of housework&most cooking&babysitting when we are out at night.
I absolutely understand that she is a huge asset but I get so irritable when I keep 'bumping' into her around the house.
Here is my question: Is it unreasonable to ask DH to stay in her room when I am home during the day? (I am out of the house 6 hours a day in total I'd say which would be enough time to get the housework done). Alternatively, can I specify hours when I want her to stay in her room ie: between 7.30-9.30am and 1-3.30pm and 5pm-7.30pm? Having forced time in her room feels a bit jail-like to me.
How has everyone else dealt with the personal space issue - do you grin and bear it as part of the experience of having a DH? Does anyone have "stay in your room" times?
I do not want to appear ungrateful about having a DH - it's clearly a fantastic help, but I would appreciate some constructive advice / insight into how others deal with things.
(PS-illegal live-out is not an option and legal live-out means finding a new DH which I don't want to do either. )
Please support our advertisers:
@@
17 yrs ago
I think it might be a little difficult to suggest she stays in her room.
If I felt as you do I'd explain you are finding it hard to adjust to having live in help and perhaps suggest she takes up a hobby outside of the home.
Our helper goes to the gym 3 or 4 nights a week, perhaps that might interest her. She might love to read, you could give her a membership to the library.
She might like to watch a DVD in her room one day and go to the park the next, if you gave her some flexible options she might be quite happy with the arrangement.
Please support our advertisers:
I can totally understand where you're coming from, but I don't think you can ask her to stay in her room. It's not a case of disliking or disrespecting her, you just need some space.
Have you tried mentioning that you do not expect her to be 'on duty' all of the time or that she should feel free to visit friends, head out for coffee etc.? You could be more specific and say that when you are home and looking after the children, that you neither need nor expect her to help out.
I must admit though, that I'm still searching for a solution myself. In actual fact, I'm the one who banishes myself to my room just to get some 'alone time' once the children are in bed. Am seriously considering the part-time solution once her contract is up, but I don't think it's fair to terminate her just because I cannot adjust to having someone live-in.
Please support our advertisers:
Devon
17 yrs ago
That's the main reason why I don't have a DH... having to constantly share the house with another adult who isn't family. I think it's unreasonable to ask her to stay in her room.
Please support our advertisers:
Hmmm, a lot of my friends WISH their helper would stay OUT of their room..... you've got a good hardworking helper then!
It sounds to me you aren't used to having a full time helper in the household. Like previous suggested, consider a part time helper, or the "illegal" live out arrangement. When you are home, tell her to go home.
I don't really think it's necessary or practical to have to keep thinking of things and tasks for her to do OUTSIDE the house everyday. It's a long term issue you have, so, think whether you rather adjust to having her around the household, or have a part time helper, or just have her "live out".
Please support our advertisers:
cd
17 yrs ago
I totally understand where you're coming from.
I think if possible you could give her set working hours, with a break for breakfast, a long lunch break, then evenings free after washing up etc. My current and previous helpers always seemed very happy to have time to spend in their room, either listening to music, napping etc. Sometimes they have gone to other helpers places for dinner, or go and do their own shopping at wellcome.
Please support our advertisers:
crj
17 yrs ago
You can ask her to 'not' be in the same room that you are in...
So if you are in the living room, she can clean the bathroom, etc...
All the helpers we have had seem to do this naturally... Mayber her past employers were the opposite and asked her to be seen to be doing things.
You can also phrase it very positively. "After 8pm, once you clean the dishes you are off duty" or something like that...
Please support our advertisers:
i fully understand your feeling and I can't see any problem by asking her to stay in her room for a while during the day.
Most of the helper's, including mine, are quite happy to get some time off and relax, read, nap etc. in her room. "Waiting" for a next task to do is part of her job.
Please support our advertisers:
You can advise her that her work schedule will have some personal time off.
7-9am slot - she can do ironing in her room, clean bathroom/kitchen, as early morning will be cooler.
1-3pm - mid-day rest time, unless you have a specific need for her help.
Evening - personal off hrs , unless you informed her earlier that you need her help.
eg. to take a walk, go to library, personal errands.
Please support our advertisers:
KrisL
17 yrs ago
By telling her to stay in her room you are basically saying that you don't like her company, how would you feel if someone did that to you? Come on you people, by reading the posts on this forum sometimes I get the impression that you want to turn back the clock to the 19:th century master-servant society, where the maid comes out at the sound of the bell to perform some duties at the whim of the master and otherwise confined to the servant's quarters. Snap out of it! Treat your helpers with respect and as a part of your family and everyone will be happier and your helper will do a better job for you in return, otherwise don't choose to have a live-in helper.
Please support our advertisers:
On the whole I agree with you KrisL, other than i would not advise people to treat their helpers as part of your family they are an employee and i think you will find that if you bear that in mind and treat them respectfully as an employee that the relationship will not only last longer but will be much happier. Everyone I have known that has had a respectful employee/employer relationship has had sucessful and long lasting maids.
Please support our advertisers:
I do not agree on that. It has nothing to do with turning the clock back.
If you were to work in an office, there are times where business is not that strong and you would have some time in between. Is your boss then usually sending you for a walk, to the library etc?
I guess you are free to do whatever you want as long as you somehow stay close to your workstation. If there is any work coming up, you would be getting back to it.
Giving the helper some time off in her room has nothing to do with disrespect. As I mentioned before, most of them even enjoy having some time for themselves during a mostly hard day of work. Although live-in relationship is closer than a work relationship in an office, it's still a working relationship and not a homestay experience of a exchange student.
Hiring a live-in helper does not mean necessarily getting an additional family member and you still can treat her well with respect and gratitude without integrating her completely in your family.
Please support our advertisers:
I don't know about your family, KrisL, but there is no way anyone in my family would do half of what our DH does even if they were paid double! Also, despite loving them dearly, I wouldn't want to live with most of my family long term - we'd get under each other's feet for sure.
Sharing space with an employee is hard and the loss of privacy that comes from having a live-in DH is a definite loss. Sure, there are gains, as the OP acknowledges. A good relationship is a balance - where you feel the benefit (clean house, child care, good food etc)equals or exceed the cost (loss of privacy, family time, etc).
I agree with the other posters that set working hours and emphasising the time off aspect of the job could work.
Please support our advertisers:
mrsl
17 yrs ago
KrisL, so you really think that by wanting some privacy, we are showing our helpers disrespect and reverting to 19th master-servant society? Then I must plead guilty too. While I am sure that my helper is a lovely person, I absolutely do not want her around all of the time. I prefer to spend my time with the children without her. I am confident that she feels the same way about me, and certainly do not take offence.
Like some of the posters above, I do disappear into my room alone once the children are sleeping or onto the balcony if my husband is home. I would not ask our DH to go to her room, but I do not want her around for all of our private conversations etc. either.
I think the idea of a schedule is a good one and will start drafting one for our house this weekend. It should work for both sides and make it clear to the DH that she is not expected to be 'on duty' all day.
Please support our advertisers:
KRISL, my boss does rings the bell when she is entertaining and needs one of us around. Very colonial, yes but is certainly NOT what you implied. It is just a more discreet and easier way than for her to leave the table or shout at the top of her lungs when they are having meals by the pool or in the verandah. We don't find it disrespectful at all, in fact she is everything but that.
MB, does your helper has a hobby? Like Mrsl, I like the idea of letting her know of her " me" time. From a helper's point of view, I know she would welcome the break . The reason I asked if she has a hobby is I would like to know if she wants to be involve with a group the provides free workshops ( writing, photography, ball room/cultural dance, likelihood/handicfrafts) to all DH , Filipino or non-Filipino to promote racial harmony.
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail