Advice on DH

Our current DH has been working for us for 11 months. For the first 3 months of her employment we had a lot of stress and grief with her due to problems she was having with her husband(who also works in HK) it was so bad she was actually taken away from our house in an ambulance. She didn't harm her self or anything it was more a cry for help so her husband would get back with her. This didn't work however and through time they did officially split up. She used to walk around house crying all the time(also in front of our children) I did ask her if she would prefer to be back in Philipiness but she declined. It was so bad that at one point my husband did want to change helpers but I said no as I felt sorry for her she had gone through a lot with her husband and it was not her own doing. Anyway things improved and she got back to her normal self. BUt then she started crying that her husband would give her no more money and they have a daughter back in Philipiness etc. At that time I started giving her an extra $1000 every month to try and help her out. I told her it would only be for a few months until she sorted something out with her husband. However I paid her the extra for 6 months only stopping and going back to the original amount last month. Also we sent her back to the Philipiness for a holiday even though she had only worked for us for 9 months as I am pregnant so would not be able to send her back this summer. 2 weeks ago she came to me and asked for a loan as her father was in hospital and needed an operation. She asked me for $4000 which I gave to her without hesitation. This past Monday she informed me that she had taken a part time job and that the woman had offered her a full time job and she said nooo as liked her job here. She has only been in the womans house for 4 hrs one day so far and I didn't think much of it. Then she repeated the same thing to me on the Tuesday and I said "oh really, she must have been impressed with your cleaning" and laughed it off....

Then yesterday she came to me saying that her daughter needs new stuff for school next week etc and she has no money and wont have any salary.. She seemed to be under the impression that the $4000 she borrowed from me I was going to take from her salary this month. I told her this was crazy and I was only going to take $500 per month from her. She knows that I would never leave her with out a salary as I have always been lenient with money,probably too much!! Anyway then she turns around and said that when I gave her $5000 it was a big help to her but now I had went back down to $4000 she needed part time work and then again said that the part time employer had offered her full time and could she not just give her current employer(me) 1 months notice and that she would increase her salary.

At this point I said to her that she still had 13 months contract left with me and she said yes but I can give 1 months notice. Well I just stood there stunned as I could not believe what she was saying to me it was not something i expected from her then she said she had told the woman no as i needed her here( i am due a baby in 8 weeks) but then said, "but you know maam, this lady is also pregnant and has a kind heart like you also :O


I was in a hurry to pick my son up from school so I started making my way up stairs and told her not to be silly thinking I would take all of her salary at once and thought nothing more of it. Although as time went on and I thought about it more I started getting really angry. I feel I have been really good with her with the marriage crisis, extra salary, sending her back to Philipiness after such a short , giving her a loan and that she would come and say all this to me, I feel she said it to see if I would say ok i will start giving you $5000 again.... I am really annoyed and want to confront her about it and tell her that if she comes to me with 1 months notice at any time in the near future I will be taking back the ticket money for her trip back as there is no way I am paying for to go back after only nine months and then she thinks she can leave 2 months later. |She also knows I am relying on her more than ever at the minute as I am due baby and feel like maybe she is playing on this?? To be honest if I was not pregnant or not so far on I think I would start looking for someone else as she knows I am a bit of a soft touch with her and feel she is taking advantage of that! Sorry this has been such a long post but wanted feedback from others with full time helpers. Do you think I should ignore yesterdays conversation or confront her?? Thanks....

Remind her about the contractual amount. Have her put her one month in writing. Never loan or give amount without written document showing amount, signed in front of witness by all parties. She is taking advantage of you. When you were kind with the holiday, advance of pay, etc. she was testing the boundaries. Next time you'll be firmer.

I have to agree with beancurd and mldinhk. She already knows you are a kind employer and she didn't have any difficulty obtaining a loan so she is trying to see how far she can go with regards to $$. Have a sit-down with her, remind her of the amount in the contract, remind her that the law prohibits her from working part-time ( she can get deported and banned ) and you would also be fined.


It may be wise to start looking for a new helper.

This is really crazy. If you keep her, she'll drive you completly mad once you have the baby as she will know you desperately need her help. So I would strongly encourage you to get rid of her asap and to look for a new helper NOW.

There are some nice DH out there who would be very happy to be treated so well by their employers !

Good luck

I agree with itsmeinhk, of course there are many decent DH's in Hong Kong.


I personally know of one who has been working with the same employer for more than 20 years. I also know of a couple of other DH's who are both fed up with the treatment of their respective employers. We are thinking of employing one of them, if we don't have to wait too long for the turnaround.


If Sophie75 would care to leave a message for me, I may be able to put her in touch with one of them.

You have to be careful. I was informed recently ( as we have 2 helpers ) that the helpers are not to be employed part time elsewhere. This is already a fragrant violation of the law in HK. All three parties involved are liable for prosecution. This is also a violation of the contract you have with your helper and thereby, you can (if you so desire) terminate the contract without the 1 month notice or payment in-lieu, that is of course, if you did not know prior to her taking part time employment elsewhere.


On the matter of grief you have now, and possible grief-prevention in the future, I suggest you start looking for a new helper. We have gone through many ourselves and it's a pain. Perhaps you can try looking for ones that have just been terminated / ended contracts. I would try the agencies in Central. They seem to pretty professional.


Good Luck with your search/existing helper whatever you choice is!

you are being taken for an absolute ride. get rid of now before the baby!

thanks for the reply's everyone. I confronted her on Friday not long after I posted this. She was very apologetic, said she was so sorry and only wanted to be truthful with me, as she always is....

Anyway she asked me if I would forget about it and we left it at that. Although I dont really feel the same way about her now. Also during that conversation when I mentioned to her if she left me she would be going to her new employer via the Philipiness she mentioned that this woman had said she did not have to go back that she would send her to Macau then bring her back!?!? Sounds like a trustworthy woman....right?

I did not know she was planning on taking a part time job and last Monday was the first I heard about it after she had been at this womans house. According to my helper she found this woman through an agency she went to telling them she needed part time work. I do not understand why an agency would arrange this if it was illegal!!!

Funnily enough on the Saturday I had an email from my old DH who worked for me in Singapore asking if I had any friends looking for a DH as she would love to come here. I am thinking about bringing her here for myself but will wait a few weeks to see how things go with the current one. Ah the joys of having a DH. They are wonderful to have but can be such hassle also...

Honestly, I've been there too, you're only going to have more problems with her.

Don't lose more time, just get rid of her ! If she continues to tell you all these stories, it means she doesn't respect you and she will do what SHE wants...

Believe, you'll only have more "surprises"....

On a (surprisingly) different tack, since I do not know where else to ask this -- does anyone know if a DH can get married while she is working here?


I would imagine she CAN -- she certainly doesn't need the "permission" of her employer, and I wouldn't think she needed permission from Immigration either, as, while she cannot VOTE of course, she is entitled to all other human rights -- of which the right to marry is just one of them.


I am correct in thinking that, no??

She sounds very unstable and manipulative and is taking advantage of your generosity. I have a 3 year old and a 3½ month old and we hired a helper when I was 8 months pregnant who was totally useless and stressed us out and fired her when the baby was 6 weeks old. We only just hired a new one a week ago and she's briliant. There are so many great helpers out there who are coming to the end of their contracts so you should have no trouble hiring someone who can start with you within 2 weeks. You have the right to summarily dismess your current helper for breaching the terms of her contract (seeking part time employment whilst contracted to you) and that way you can with a clean conscience tell her that she's welcome to go work for the other lady who loves her so much!

The overwhelming advice here is right.

Your helper is definitely playing you. Going off to work part time for someone else is clear grounds to fire her without notice. I fear she still hasn't even told you the truth about how she got this part time job.

It sounds like your old DH from Singapore is the perfect solution.

I am not sure I understand why you are hesitating.

My old helper is currently in Philipiness and I have decided to hire her. Does anyone know how long the process will take to get her here??

KINABALU, sorry I have no idea.....

4-8 weeks.