I am a fairly liberal minded person but something that happened last night has knocked me off my feet! After returning home earlier than expected last night I walked in to find my helper in a rather compromising position with a female friend of hers!! Luckily my 2 kids were fast asleep. I was so embarrassed and just kept walking! When I ventured out friend had gone and helper was in her room! I made a hasty exit this morning with the kids and now am really unsure what to do! Any suggestions?
Please support our advertisers:
Ask her if you can join in next time!!
Please support our advertisers:
Look I am looking for serious replies, may be funny to some but not too me!!! Anyway neither are my type!
Please support our advertisers:
I agree with Mrs Miggins. You need to either fire her or lay down some serious ground rules. Do you usually let your helper have friends around your home when she is working? They maybe her friends but they are strangers to you and shouldn't be allowed in your home especially when she is supposed to be looking after your children.
I would be absolutely furious and demand an explaination immediately. I really wouldn't ignore the situation with her as she'll think you are ok with this and keep inviting her friends around.
Please support our advertisers:
Sad to say this but after having several helpers in the past years, I found most of them like 'making stories up'. To us those stories are just lies made for their own convenience but to them lying is not a big deal. Different cultures, different minds. You said your kids are fast asleep but when you were back but do you know what was going on before they went to bed. I know a lot of people (especially westerners) want to be liberal and fair and would give their helpers the maximum right and freedom. Sorry to say that doesnt work here. First of all, no friends are allowed in your house when you are not there or she has to ask for your permission. Your house is her work place and IS NOT her home. Secondly, homosexual (especially lesbians) are quite acceptable in their culture so to her may be what you saw was not a big deal but if that is not acceptable by you, I think you need to think about of firing her or not. Firing her is not just because of that one time incident but is for the norm you want to establish in your own place.
Please support our advertisers:
@@
20 yrs ago
Hmmm, tough call! If you had found her with a man would it have made any difference?
Unlike Mighty I do believe that our helper should have the right to feel at home but generally that applies to her own space. She is welcome to have visitors and friends over and I know they enjoy cooking together and watching TV - never really thought about all out sex going on!!
I certainly wouldn't allow any sexual action in the living areas of my home no matter what - my kids could walk out at any time!
I'm not sure what I would do to be honest, I can't explain it but for some reason it would bother me more if I'd found her shagging a bloke on the sofa!
Good Luck, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes today.
Please support our advertisers:
CCCMN
20 yrs ago
I know this is shocking, but hopefully one day you'll be able to laugh about it.
She is probably utterly mortified as well.
Anyway, I agree with Foth. Take the time to talk to her & set the boundaries that you're comfortable with.
Lesbianism may be awkward for you, but consider that it is estimated that 10% of Americans are homosexual (that's 1 in 10 people you meet), so I hope her sexual orientation in itself isn't why you would fire her.
Personally I've said that friends & visitors should stay in her room.
Please support our advertisers:
powepuffgirl, I was only joking in my last post, no need to get snooty!
I do actually think it's a disgrace what your helper has done.Had you already lay down the rules to her. I don't think I could look her in the eye again.
Please support our advertisers:
I do not have a problem with it being a girl I would feel awkward if it had been a bloke!! If I wanted a live sex show then I am sure there are plenty of places I could go to see one!
FOTH of course my hubby and I have indulged in a bit of sofa action but it is OUR sofa!! I provide a bloody good bed for her, she should have used that!! MARYPOPPINS I apo;logise for my comment but I was still in shock and found your comment rather flippant!I still havent managed to say anything, is it really a sackable offence?!
Please support our advertisers:
My point is just that FOTH what she does in her room is up to her. I have a problem with what was happening on my sofa and the fact that one of the children at any time could have walked in and seen her!
Please support our advertisers:
swmbo
20 yrs ago
The issue could also be that she should have been working, ie. babysitting the kids. Perhaps she can't hear them in her room from their bedroom. In that case the rule would have to be no guests when she's working. After hours is her time, in her room, to do as she pleases.
Just sounds like a teenager! How many times have you heard stories of teenagers babysitting kids and inviting a "friend" over when the kids are asleep.
Please support our advertisers:
swmbo
20 yrs ago
FOTH that's a bit unfair. How many parents let their kids come in the bathroom when they're on the loo, or let them see them naked. What is acceptable within a family is not necessarily acceptable within an extended family/employee situation.
Please support our advertisers:
Didnt actually say that but regardless how I act in MY house and when MY children are asleep is up to me, the kids are just as likely to walk into our bedroom!!!
Agree with above, she should have been working!
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
swmbo
20 yrs ago
If you have a babysitter come in do you pay them while the kids are asleep or do you only pay them while the kids are awake?
Minding the kids while they're asleep doesn't mean you have to be physically doing something. The fact is that you're on call if the kids need you.
Please support our advertisers:
Again well said swmbo, but to answer your question tc it was in fact early evening, my helper starts late and finishes later then prob the norm!
Please support our advertisers:
So, what are you going to do powerpuffgirl? I think the choices are pretty straightforward. Personally, I don't care if she was with a man or woman, but I'm pretty certain I would be either fired or severely reprimanded if my employer caught me being "intimate" at work.
Please support our advertisers:
Mrs Miggins, well said. "Where do you draw the line?" I am chinese and I am very straight with my helper, but doesnt mean I need to treat her as slave or whatever. The house is our home and at the same time her working place. Definitely no friends are allowed in my houe when I am not there. If she wants to bring one in, she has to ask for my permissoin in advance. I sound very mean, but its my house and my child that I have to protect with all my means.
Please support our advertisers:
I m honoured to be priased by you, TC.
Please support our advertisers:
CCCMN
20 yrs ago
So Powerpuff - it's been a few days... what have you done & how did she react?
Please support our advertisers:
Powerpuff-Come on shed some light on the situation now!!! I am hanging on the edge of my fairy seat.
On a serious note what are you upset with?? The fact that she was doing what she was doing. Or is it that she wasn't focusing here entire attention to the sleeping children. I certainly wouldn't be letting my helper have friends over unless it has been cleared by me first and secondly what does your partner (I am assuming that you have one) say about all of this.
Maybe they were practising for their act in the local bar for their Friday night special?? Thats a scary thought but unfortunately a lot of the young ones do go out and shall we say "have fun".
Don't get me wrong, I think very highly of any helper (good ones that is) but there are some helpers that have, shall we say "run of the tracks".
What will you do if thats the case? Does she go out a lot? Sorry for bringing this up but you need to look at the whole picture.
Please support our advertisers:
Thanks for your comments Fairybell. I had never cleared her to have people over on a working night, it is OK on a Sat night or her day off! I have spoken to her now and to be honest I was shocked by her reaction, She too challenged the fact that did I have a problem with it being a woman!!! I could not believe it!!!!! Needless to say we had severe discussions about her future with our family. I do get the impression that she is a good time girl, and good on her on her time!! She is a bloody good worker and the kids adore her so felt was in a really tricky position. For the time being she is staying put but anything else untoward and she is out!!!
Please support our advertisers:
Good to hear that you have discussions with her and hopefully she has got the message!!
You have probaby scared the s*hit out of her and I'm sure she will think twice about doing it again.Since she is a good worker and the kids adore her it's good to hear that she is still with you! Well done.
Please support our advertisers:
swws
20 yrs ago
I was having a very serious discussion last night, and quite frankly stated that live in DH is often more trouble than it is worth. I know it is cheap but it comes at a price.
How many times do you hear of the husband shagging the employee. Believe me it is OFTEN not because the wife is a bitch, but because this DH sees that destroying a relationship and having herself there in place of the original wife, she is getting herself out of her old life, and into a lucrative one. Not only that but because of different cultural values she may mistakenly assume that the original wife is 'bad' to her husband and does everything in her way to see that he has 'pleasant' treatment.
I would only let me kids be looked after by someone I trust. Therefore I would treat them an DH extremely well. What comes around goes around.
I also think that sometimes having live in help is more demanding that not having it. Getting maid service for a few hours a week, or having kids looked after does not necessarily mean mean you need live in help.
Really when you hear all the stories, I vow never to get a live in DH.
It is not just that the DH has problems, by dynamics in relationships are changing, and lets face it you to deal with a stranger from a different culture in your own house, which is a place where you want to feel extremely comfortable.
However on the whole I feel DH are badly done by, and by and large I have great resepct for these people who often leave their own families in their own countries to live like a dog for a monthly wage that cannot pay for our resturant bills in a month. Often they have families who they support completelt and the husbadn does not work, and gets a mistress, and they come back from annual leave with VD from their husbands etc.
Still no matter how good teh domestic help is, you ahve to know that they still bring problems and contention into a household. Either deal with that, or do not have it.
Cultural differences are great in so many ways, but you need some respite!! Home is menat to be a peaceful place, a haven.
Please support our advertisers:
Remmy
20 yrs ago
Can you provide more details of what exactly they were doing? And where they were doing it? And did she ask you for permission to bring a friend over?
If they were for example hugging or holding hands, or dancing, this is quite normal for Philippinos. But if they were engaged in a lesbian act of oral sex, and if further this was taking place in your living room or on your bed (and you had not consented to them doing this) then I think you would have more reason to be annoyed.
Please support our advertisers:
mdap
20 yrs ago
Easy - FIRE HER. Whilst she is allowed to have a female lover, she is taking advantage of you. She has no right to bring a stranger into your home and absolutely no right to engage in sexual, or sexual intent, during working hours! Get rid of her now ...
Please support our advertisers:
mdap
20 yrs ago
MORON - THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FLIRTING AND WHAT APPEARS TO BE GROPING. AND ACTUALLY, UNLESS YOU MISSED THE PAST 15 YEARS, I WOULD FIRE ANY OF MY STAFF WHO FLIRT WITH OTHERS ... NO ONE HAS TO ENDURE UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES FROM SOMEONE AT WORK
Please support our advertisers:
the same thing happened to me a couple of years ago, exactly the same situation. I fired her on the spot (she was a part-time cleaner whom we were unhappy with and were thinking of firing her anyway); but later I felt guilty about it and wondered whether I'd done the right thing. If she had been a good helper I wouldn't have done it; I felt bad because we all habe urges and those poor sould have extremely limited outlets for indulging in them.
Please support our advertisers:
I would sack her there & then.
Please support our advertisers:
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T FIRE HER ON THE SPOT. TOTALLY UNACCETABLE BEHAVIOUR ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE WAS LOOKING AFTER YOUR CHILDREN
mum
Please support our advertisers:
B.Loh
19 yrs ago
I hope you fired her by now. For your children's sake. I'm a mother too and this is unacceptable.
Please support our advertisers:
tango
19 yrs ago
as a working mother, i share your feel. basically i think you have no one else to take care of the kids if you fire her right away.
Please support our advertisers:
Shian
19 yrs ago
I am in the process of hiring a helper right now and i am quite shocked by all of your views as the employers , more so than the story of the helper. Yes it was an unfortunate incident but maybe the ground rules were not clearly established ! you talk about the fact that it is the workplace and your helpers are not allowed friends over , it is your house. Absolutely you are right, however you employ these helpers to take care of your children , an extremely important job ! yet expect them to have no role within your family except to work ridiculously long hours for a ridiculously small salary. Then many of you have the arrogance to talk about firing someone because of their sexual preference. Maybe you should think about treating the people you employ and have living with you with a little decency. Everyone seems to become very high and mighty (particularly "mighty" ) after living in HK for a while. I hope that if any of you ever fire your employees on the grounds of homesexuality that the employee is smart enough to sue you for it ! DO onto others as you would have them do onto you ! My thought is if you treat your staff like crap,(in any job) it is crap you will get in return.
Please support our advertisers:
tly
19 yrs ago
Shian, spoken like a true newbie when it comes to DHs. Have you hired any DH's in the past? If you haven't, we won't say anything. I'll just wait and see if you would say the same thing a year after you've had your DH.
Please support our advertisers:
ShazP
19 yrs ago
Shian....Give your new DH the freedom that you have written in your post & see the effects of it. You are in for a nasty shock.
FOTH.....in all your posts of DH's, you say anything to ensure that the DH is boss!! In your opinion anyone who has a problem with a DH is horrible & wrong, pays them pathetic salaries & treats them like slaves.Go for it & keep at it!! Wonder what it is with you & DH's......you amuse me.
Forgive us for being normal parents who want a normal life where a DH should look after our kids, behave themselves & we in return pay her a LEGAL salary amount or MORE, treat her well & tell her our expectations before SHE decides to take our job. Fact is many DH get to be a problem & we dont like it!
Of course...your reply will be another amusement session for me.....;)
Please support our advertisers:
ShazP
19 yrs ago
Yup....We are all well aware the lack of DH is England & many other countries. However, here DH's are allowed. We are not ' masters' but we are their employers.
Our maids too share our home....it does not mean they should abuse our home...there are always limits. They have been employed by us to work in our homes...not be guests or be friends.
In the UK & other countries you have nurseries, daycares etc which are reasonably priced... here we dont have them much & the ones that do exists are too expensive, that is why DH's are allowed to be employed here & dont forget...Asia is mostly 3rd world..at least the DH's countries...so they need the job as much we need them.
Please support our advertisers:
Sabi - I assume you think you're being funny but you're not.
Please support our advertisers:
Life
19 yrs ago
Sabi is being funny! I think it is funny! I am even begining to see it without looking for it!
Johhny, there are some complaints by males, but all in all you have no idea what the gender of most posters is.
Not quite a year ago, I felt a wee bit like Shian. But now my views are slowly changing.
Not being able to bring friends over to your house sounds so harsh! But lets face it, are you allowed to have friends at your work place while you are working? Even to help you type up reports? Having friends over is not a matter of not trusting your helper, but as my mother used to say, "it is not that I don't trust you, I just do not know the parent's of the people you want to hang out with".
Please support our advertisers:
Don't forget the hairy legs, chest and armpits, with a 5 o'clock shadow by 10am! ;-)
Please support our advertisers:
tycc
19 yrs ago
It shouldn't matter whether the act was homosexual or heterosexual. The point is she wasn't doing her job to her 100% and that might be enough to get rid of her. Someone claimed that homosexuality might be right in her culture and that for westerners it's not....that's a bunch of crock. It's not perceived right in many cultures and this is a crock too. A person should not be judged based on their sexuality, but moreso on their ability to perform their job. At least, that's what's important in this scenario. At the end of the day, remember we're all just humans...nobody is better than anybody else. It's merely a matter of circumstances!
Please support our advertisers:
Let me tell you that I've learned my lesson about helpers having "friends" over. So far it's cost me more than $10,000 in lost jewellery. I don't wear my good stuff often, and although I didn't have it locked up at the time, it was as far as I was concerned quite well hidden under old clothing at the back of my wardrobe. In the last year, for various reasons, I've had a parade of maids and their friends through my home. Missing...diamond ring, garnet ring, cartier watch, gold bracelette. This is one employer who has learned the hard way.
Please support our advertisers:
inkonkoni raises a good point to consider. Why would you even allow your helper to bring friends over? And, if you did, why would you allow them to do so unsupervised? It is your house, not a hotel.
Please support our advertisers:
the stinging part of it, john, is that some of them were "rescue" cases, women who had been fired by their "awful" employers and left with nowhere to stay before their tickets home and paperwork was finished.
Please support our advertisers:
inkonkoni, ai ya, sorry to hear of your bad luck. A good friend of mine (Singaporean local) did not renew his Indonesian helper's contract. After the helper went home, they discovered all of their cash and family heirlooms missing. There were no early warning signs.
Please support our advertisers:
2046
19 yrs ago
That's why the pawn shops in Central are always crowded w/ foreign maids.
Please support our advertisers:
John why wouldn't you allow your helper to have friends over? Whenever we are away our helper is able to have friends over as we're quite happy to have them hang out and watch our dvd's on Sunday's and in the evenings. I'm not alone in this as all my friends allow this as well. I know my helpers friends and trust them so I have no problem with this and we've never had anything stolen.
Please support our advertisers:
My DH also likes having the next door DHs over in her room even tho I have told her very clearly that I find this unacceptable since 1. It maybe her room but it's my house. 2. She is on duty and is suppose to be doing housework/looking after my daughter but instead they're in her room chatting and having biscuits. She is allowed to socialise with them only after her working hours are over and if she has to to keep it brief. She said yes at all times but she still keeps doing it. I am fed up and am looking to replace her. I really don't think it sinks into her mind why I have such a rule. I don't think she wants to even if she says yes to me. There's a certain level of thick-headedness that DHs adopt when it comes to rules they don't agree with. At the end of the day, I cannot force her to follow my rules, and when she can't I just have to find someone who will.
Please support our advertisers:
A lot of the replies here are quite cynical and judgemental I would say. It ridiculous to say that homosexuality is "the norm" in most Asian countries or to even say that it is no big deal and is generally accepted. FYI: IT ISN'T. What's even more stupid is to mention "FILIPINOS" You may see quite a number of asian homosexuals but that doesn't automatically mean that such is acceptable. They face discrimination all the time; just look at the replies posted here. In regards to children, no matter how much you try to educate them and shape their minds, we are all born with the freedom of thought. In the end, they'll decide on what their own opinions are. Bare in mind, not ALL domestic helpers are BAD PEOPLE. It's just the same as not ALL foreigners are GOOD PEOPLE. DONT GENERALIZE. It is sad when one would have to go through hell, even at times when you're trying to help people. That's just the way it is, at least you had good intentions. Theyll suffer the consequences later.
How you treat your helper is really based on the work she does, whether you are satisfied or not. His/ her sexuality shouldnt be an issue. Thats just me. I do agree that such behavior is unacceptable since she is in her workplace. If you really can't give her another chance, fire her. It's really about how your own comfort. It would be rather iffy being around her if you arent open towards homosexuality.
Next time, if you ever get another helper, lay down the rules. If he/ she doesnt follow, then end their contract. It's that simple. If there isnt anybody else to take care of your children, look for someone, then fire her.
Ethnic origins or cultural backgrounds arent important here. its all based on your thoughts and opinions whether your helper is trustworthy. You can always hear people bitching about their helpers, but no one really listens to those heartwarming stories. There still are some nice ladies out there who are kind hearted. Its okay to be more careful the next time, but just dont discriminate against the rest because of one person who gave you a bad impression.
Please support our advertisers:
< Back to main category
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail