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DOMESTIC HELPER AS MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW ? CRAZY!!!

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ORIGINAL POST
Posted by moonlight626 12 yrs ago
I AM FROM A VERY CONSERVATIVE FAMILY. WE ARE A FAMILY OF THREE THAT IS MY HUSBAND, MY ONLY 21 YEAR OLD SON AND I.
 
 
WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME AND I AM A HOUSEWIFE. I PRACTICALLY NEVER WORKED AFTER HAVING MY SON BECAUSE HE IS THE GEM IN OUR LIVES AND I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF HIM THAT WAY, I COULDN'T HAVE ANYMORE KIDS.
 
WE GAVE HIM THE BEST AND ONLY THE BEST. OUR PREVIOUS HELPER WAS VERY GOOD, SHE WAS LIKE A SUPER HELPER AND WAS WITH US FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
 
SHE WANTED TO RETIRE SO SHE LEFT US. THEN WE HIRED A 32 YEAR OLD HELPER WHO CREATED A CATASTROPHE IN OUR PEACEFUL LIFE. SHE WAS FINE AT FIRST, SHE DID EVERYTHING WELL.
 
BUT ONE DAY MY HUSBAND AND I WENT ON A TWO WEEK HOLIDAY LEAVING MY SON AND DH BEHIND THAT WAS THE TIME THE WHOLE MESS WAS CREATED. MY SON AND OUR HELPER HAD GROWN CLOSED AND MY SON WAS IN LOVE WITH HER DEEPLY.
 
 
I CAUGHT THEM ON BED TOGETHER THAT IS HOW I KNEW IT. ONE SUNDAY MORNING I WOKE UP EARLY TO MAKE BREAKFAST AND I THOUGHT I HEARD OUR HELPER IN MY SON'S ROOM SO I OPENED HIS ROOM AND BANG SHE WAS UNDER HIS QUILT NAKED. I WAS SHOCKED AND DEVASTATED. MY HUBBY AND I SPOKE TO OUR SON AND TOLD HIM THAT I WAS GOING TO IMMEDIATELY TERMINATE HER BUT HE WOULDN'T BUDGE.
 
HE SAID THAT IF WE TERMINATE HE WOULD LEAVE WITH HER IMMEDIATELY. I COULDN'T AFFORD TO LOSE HIM SO MY HUBBY AND I DECIDED TO LET GO OF THIS MATTER, WE THOUGHT HE WILL GET OVER IT.
 
AFTER THAT INCIDENT WHENEVER I ASK MY HELPER TO DO SOMETHING SHE WON'T DO AND SHE WOULD TALK BACK. ONE DAY I SHOUTED AT HER BECAUSE SHE HADN'T TAKEN OUT THE GARBAGE FOR 2 DAYS AND SHE COMPLAINED TO MY SON WHILE HE WAS AT WORK. HE IMMEDIATELY PHONED ME AND SAID "LISTEN SHE IS MY GF NOW AND SHE WON'T WORK FOR YOU.
 
IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO WORK FOR YOU, PLS HIRE A NEW HELPER." AND HE JUST SLAMMED THE PHONE. I WAS SO HURT BUT I DECIDED TO IGNORE IT. SINCE WE LIVE IN A 2700 SQFT HOUSE, IT IS QUIET DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN BECAUSE IT GETS DUSTY EASILY. SO I TOLD THE HELPER TO MOP THE LIVING ROOM AND SHE SAID " I DON'T WANT TO , I AM GOING TO SLEEP" AND OFF SHE WENT TO MY SON'S ROOM AND LOCKED HERSELF IN.
 
I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING FOR A SECOND. I TOOK THE EXTRA KEY TO MY SON'S ROOM AND OPENED HIS ROOM AND SHE WAS LYING ON HIS BED USING HIS MACBOOK. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I COULDN'T BEAR IT. I TOLD HER TO GET UP AND PACK HER BAGS AND I ALSO TOLD HER THAT I WILL GIVE HER $40000.
 
 
SHE SAID "GO OUT OF THIS ROOM, I WANT TO BE ALONE." I WAS LIKE WTF IS GOING ON? AFTER ABOUT 20 MINS MY SON CAME HOME. HE WAS SO FURIOUS HE DIDN'T EVEN TALK TO ME. HE JUST RAN UPSTAIRS TO HIS ROOM AND PACKED HIS BAGS , AND LEFT WITH OUR HELPER. I TRIED CALLING HIM MAY TIMES BUT I COULDN'T REACH HIM, I WAS SO WORRIED.
 
I KNOW HE IS AN ADULT BUT HE IS STILL MY SON AND I KNEW HE WAS NOT WITH GOOD COMPANY. FINALLY, HE ANSWERED THE PHONE. HE TOLD ME NOT TO CALL HIM BUT I PLEADED HIM TO COME HOME. I LITERALLY BEGGED HIM. HE SAID HE WOULD COME HOME IF I STOPPED MAKING HIS GF WORK. I SAID ALRIGHT. HE SAID THEY WILL STAY AT A HOTEL THAT NIGHT AND RETURN HOME IN THE MORNING.
 
 
MY HUBBY AND I HAD A BIG DISCUSSION THAT NIGHT AND WE DECIDED IT'S BEST IF WE ACCEPT HER EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS 2 KIDS ALREADY. WE HAD AN INSTINCT SAYING THAT THIS WON'T LAST LONG, IT IS JUST INFATUATION. SO WE STARTED BEING NICE TO HER.
 
THEY ARRIVED IN THE MORNING AND I MADE A GOOD BREAKFAST FOR BOTH. SHE WANTED HOT TEA SO I MADE HER SOME HOT TEA. MY SON LEFT TO WORK AND I TOLD HER SHE COULD REST IN MY SON'S ROOM IF SHE WAS FEELING TIRED. BUT SHE WAS VERY TIRED " I DON'T WANT TO REST! WHY YOU WANT ME TO REST?
 
I WANT TO DO WHAT I LIKE". I WAS PATIENT AND SAID ALRIGHT. SHE INVITED 2 OF HER FRIENDS OVER AND THEY WERE JABBERING IN THE LIVING ROOM. I WAS SO SURPRISE WHEN SHE CALLED ME BY MY NAME AND ASKED ME TO PREPARE LUNCH FOR HER AND HER FRIENDS.
 
 I JUST IGNORED THAT. LATER I WAS DOING SOME IRONING AND SHE SAID "I TOLD YOU TO MAKE LUNCH, I AM HUNGRY." I SAID NO, I AM GOING OUT. I IMMEDIATELY LEFT HOME AND RETURNED AT AROUND 11PM BECAUSE MY HUBBY WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP. THE FRONT DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN AND I HEARD SOME NOISE IN THE PATIO. MY SON, MY HELPER AND HER FRIENDS WERE HAVING A DRINK.
 
I JUST WANTED TO PRETEND I DIDN'T SEE THEM AND LEAVE TO MY ROOM BUT MY SON CALLED ME. HE SAID HE HAD A GOOD NEWS, HE SAID I WAS GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER AND A MOTHER-IN-LAW. I WAS GOING CRAZY. THE PLAN WAS THAT I WOULD HAVE TO TERMINATE MY HELPER AND SHE WILL BE GOING BACK TO THE PHILIPPINES AND PREPARE FOR THE WEDDING CEREMONY.
 
AFTER FEW DAYS MY FAMILY WOULD HAVE TO FLY THERE AND THEY WOULD GET MARRIED. HE WILL BRING HER BACK TO HK AND APPLY FOR DEPENDENT VISA. I WAS AGAINST IT, I MEAN I ONLY HAVE ONE SON AND OUR EXTENDED FAMILY WAS IN IRELAND AND THEY WOULD NEVER ACCEPT MY SON GETTING MARRIED TO A DH WHO HAS 2 KIDS ALREADY!
 
ISN'T IT INSANE? THE TOPIC WAS OFF FOR A FEW DAYS. ONE DAY I MET MY NEIGHBOR'S HELPER WHEN I WAS TAKING OUT OUR DOGS FOR A WALK. SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE HEARD MY SON IS GETTING MARRIED TO MY HELPER AND THAT MY HELPER IS VERY BAD AND SHE STILL SLEEPS WITH MANY MEN.
 
I ASKED HER HOW DOES SHE KNOW, SHE SAID BECAUSE SHE USED TO DATE HER COUSIN BROTHER WHO WAS WORKING AS A DRIVER AT REPULSE BAY. SHE SAID SHE WAS UNFAITHFUL TO HIM AND HAD SLEPT WITH ONE OF HIS FRIENDS SO HE BROKE UP WITH HER.
 
 
I JUST WANTED TO DIE, I HAD A STRONG FEELING THAT IT IS NOT MY GRANDSON SHE IS BEARING. I KNOW MY SON WOULDN'T BELIEVE. I JUST KNOW IT IS NOT MY GRANDSON. IS THERE ANY TEST THAT I CAN PROVE BEFORE GIVING BIRTH? I REALLY HAVE NO TIME...I NEED TO STOP THIS WEDDING...AND BREAK THIS UNFAITHFUL RELATIONSHIP....
 
 
PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS A TEST OR SMTH..TO PROVE..OR IF THERE IS ANYOTHER SOLUTION TO STOP THIS..
 
 
 

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COMMENTS
moonlight626 12 yrs ago
A) I AM NOT SHOUTING AT ANYONE!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU FEEL OFFENDED.


B) I KNOW HELPER IS A PERSON AND I AM READY TO ACCEPT HER IF SHE IS A GOOD PERSON, I DON'T WANT TO PUT MY SON INTO BAD COMPANY. I KNOW IF HE FIND CERTAIN THINGS OUT SHE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.


C) YOU ARE NOT HELPING!

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jgl 12 yrs ago
I found it impossible to read your post BECAUSEITWASALLTYPEDLIKETHISSOIDIDN'TBOTHERTOREADITALL.


Anyway, the problem is not the helper. The problem is your son. See a counsellor- this situation is either in need of professional help, or is some elaborate hoax.

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cookie09 12 yrs ago
why don't you kick you son and the helper out? i mean he is an adult anyway, so why is he living at home?


kick him out, force him to grow up and make him learn his own (expensive) lesson

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hkwatcher 12 yrs ago
moonlight,

I am so sorry for your situation. You must be feeling really violated about this helper becomng involved with your son. You didn't say how old he was, but you did say she was 32. If he is really younger than her, this is an affair that shouldn't progress into marriage. They don't have much in common except sex. It seems to have started b/c they were living together and the temptation to go into a sexual relationship in that situation is hard for most men to resist. Especially, when it is offered on a day to day basis.

BUT, in reality it is unlikely he truly has fallen in love with her. If he has, you will need to let him make his own choices. If he hasn't fallen in love, this affair will play out. Terminate her, let him move out of your comfortable home and support both of them. My instinct is that the real life day to day problems couples face in Hong Kong will not last when faced with no support from Mom and Dad. Can you imagine how will he introduce her to his own friends? She is not looking for a person to have a long term love relatinship, she is looking for something to support her lifestyle in Hong Kong and give her financial security. Why take a pay off when she can have a lifetime of child support?

In all honesty, it sounds like you have supported your son for too long. He needs to take responsibiltiy for his own actions. Cut the apron strings now and see what happens. If is it his child, he needs to support it. If it isn't, he needs to learn the hard way that a live-in employee of his parents doesn't make the best girlfriend/wife/life partner. Fun for free sex, but that is about it

Good luck.

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hkwatcher 12 yrs ago
Cara,

You post on this forum frequently and I normally agree with you, but in this case I think you have been pretty harsh on somebdoy who is gutted because their son has gotten himself involved with the helper who is years older than him and may or may not be carrying his baby.

Your three point response is pretty clinical and in all honesty comes off as judgemental. Now you are trying to justify your response.....let it go.

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unattendedbag 12 yrs ago
You need to terminate the helper immediately and let the chips fall where they may. This helper has completely used you and I feel terrible for you. She has come in and taken over your house....heck, you are even cooking her breakfast? Wow. She is a 32 yo employee of your house and has no business being with your 21 yo son. Imagine if the genders were reversed? What if a 32 yo driver was sleeping with a 21 yo girl.....would cara still be so accepting?


She doesn't care about your son, she cares about his money and the lifestyle he might be able to provide for her and her family members. You need to cut off all money and support to your son imediately. Any money that you give son is going straight to the helper and her family.

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Slammy 12 yrs ago
Moonlight626 what a horrible situation.


1. I agree that your son has to make his own mistakes in life and you can't impose your will on him. You can only advise him and be there if/when things turn bad.


2. I would also follow up what someone else suggested about seeing if she's already married in the Philippines - although don't know how you can do this?


3. Terminate the helper immediately.


4. Do not provide any monetary support to your son as this will likely go to your helper. If he's old enough at 21 to get married and support a child, then he needs to behave like an adult and take onboard all the responsibilities that come with it.


5. Of course, if the wedding goes ahead, be a good parent and attend and maintain a loving relationship with your son and, if possible his new wife... but hang onto your money.


People are suggesting that your son should marry whomever he's in love with but he is very young, and the way your helper has treated you is very bad.

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BillyGoatGruff 12 yrs ago
Wow, sounds like your son has been landed like a fish. If he is 21 and she is 32 and has 2 children already then I am guessing that she is using him for money/ visa reasons etc. If she has 2 children already ink the Philippines then it is highly likely that she is already married. I believe it is very difficult to get that annulled or get divorced. It is very possible that this lady eyes him as a bit of a catch. Only son, parents have a bit of money, he will inherit it etc. etc. A little money goes a long way in the Philippines.


I would do this. I would sit down with your son and have a very civil discussion. I would tell him that I love him and admire that he is taking his responsibilities very seriously. I would tell him that if he is going to be a Father, then he needs to stand on his own two feet and move out, in with her and pay his own way. Don't offer him any money toward the wedding, a gift or any start up money. I believe this lady is after a meal ticket. If she sees that she has no $ supply, then she may back off and look for someone else. I would also tell him that you understand he is getting married and that's his choice but he needs to make sure she is legally able to marry. The odds are very much against them. Be there if and when he comes back.

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Brooklynexpat 12 yrs ago
To the OP, your son sounds like a person who is not worldly enough to make the right decisions. There is nothing wrong with dating a domestic helper but there is something wrong if he starts a relationship with her and gets her pregnant while she is still in your employ.


1) It's your son's life and he has the right to screw up his own life if he wants. Let him learn his lesson the hard way. The fact that he allowed this woman to be completely disrespectful to you in your own house is an act of betrayal.


2) Tell him "you are my son and I love you but you are disrespectful and will have to move out on your own".


3) Cut out any money you or your husband give him. (If you give him money then he will not learn his lesson).


4) Terminate her employment and inform authorities about what has happened so she will have a difficult time returning to Hong Kong. Tell the authorities you believe she might still be married to a man in the Philippines.


5) Stop being a weakling. You want the best for your son but spoiling him and allowing him to be disrespectful to you is completely unacceptable. If I had treated my mother in that manner my father would have ripped my head off of my shoulders.


How dare your son and his lover dictate to you and talk disrespectfully to you in your own house. If my hunch is correct your son will eventually comeback when he finds out what she really wants. There is a DNA test you can give the child once he/she is born to determine who the father is. Another thing, tell your son the disturbing things you have heard about his fiance.


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Brooklynexpat 12 yrs ago
Thank you Cara :-)

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moonlight626 12 yrs ago
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND ADVISES.

I AM SORRY THAT I AM USED TO TYPING CAPITAL LETTERS.


I WOULD LIKE TO UPDATE ON THIS CASE.

YESTERDAY, I TERMINATED MY HELPER. I GAVE HER ONE MONTH SALARY IN LIEU AND HER AIR TICKET. SHE ALSO AGREED TO BE TERMINATED.

I HAVE ALL THE RECEIPTS OF HER MONTHLY SALARY JUST IN CASE SHE TRIES TO SOMETHING MORE.


I HAVE A JOINT ACCOUNT WITH MY SON, THAT IS HOW HE GETS HIS FUND MOST OF THE TIME SO I TRANSFERRED ALMOST ALL FUNDS INTO MY SOLE ACCOUNT. WHEN I CHECKED THE JOINT ACCOUNT STATEMENT , HE HAS USED UP TO $48 000 LAST MONTH. I HAVE NO IDEA FOR WHAT BECAUSE WE PROVIDE HIM EVERYTHING. THAT'S ALRIGHT I DIDN'T QUESTION HIM ABOUT THAT.

THOUGH IT'S A JOINT ACCOUNT IT IS ALL MY MONEY BECAUSE HIS SALARY GOES TO HIS PERSONAL ACCOUNT.


I HAD A NICE CHAT WITH LAST NIGHT. I TOLD HIM THAT I HAVE ALREADY TERMINATED HIS GIRLFRIEND. HE WAS ACTUALLY LISTENING TO ME. I ALSO TOLD HIM THAT I HAD TAKEN MY FUNDS FROM OUR JOINT ACCOUNT. HE WAS UPSET AT FIRST BUT HE DIDN'T ARGUE WITH ME BECAUSE IT WASN'T HIS MONEY. I TOLD HIM I WOULD GIVE HIM 3 DAYS TO MOVE OUT AND FIND HIS OWN APARTMENT. I OF COURSE TOLD HIM THAT HE CAN VISIT US ANYTIME HE WANTS TO. I ALSO ADVISED HIM THAT DIVORCE IS NOT EASY IN THE PHILIPPINES AND HE SHOULD CHECK CAREFULLY BEFORE GETTING MARRIED. I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY FOR HIM TO SURVIVE WITH ONLY HIS SALARY BECAUSE IT IS LESS THAN 20K AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW IS HE GOING TO PAY THE RENT, BILLS, ETC.

BUT I SHOULDN'T BE CONCERNED ABOUT THAT. IT IS HIS LIFE AND LET HIM DEAL WITH IT. IT IS VERY VERY VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO DO ALL THESE BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO DO IT.


I KNOW HE WILL COME BACK BECAUSE HE CANNOT HAVE THE SAME LIFESTYLE THAT HE HAS NOW AFTER HE MOVES OUT. THIS IS ALSO A TIME TO TEST HIS GF, WHETHER SHE LOVES HIM OR HIS $$$. MY HUSBAND SAYS WHAT I HAVE DONE IS THE RIGHT THING AND WE'LL WAIT AND SEE. I HOPE TIME WILL HEAL EVERYTHING. THOUGH I HAVE TAKEN SUCH A BIG STEP, I FEEL RELAXED. SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAYS THAT I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING.


DO YOU THINK I DID THE RIGHT THING?

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AngieC 12 yrs ago
This story sounds SOO far fetched. I'm not sure if I really believe if it's true.

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moonlight626 12 yrs ago
HEY ANGIE,


YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE IF YOU DON'T THINK IT IS TRUE.


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cookie09 12 yrs ago
certainly sounds like having done the right thing, congrats

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moonlight626 12 yrs ago
MY SON JUST CALLED ME 2 MINS AGO. HE TOLD ME THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MOVE OUT WITHIN 3 DAYS. HE NEEDS AT LEAST 2 WEEKS. BECAUSE IT IS DIFFICULT TO FETCH A SUITABLE APT AND HIS PAY CHECK WILL BE COMING IN AT THE END OF THIS MONTH. OR HE TOLD ME IF I COULD BORROW HIM SOME $$$ HE COULD TRY TO MOVE OUT SOON BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO PAY FOR KEY DEPOSIT OR SMTH. I TOLD HIM 2 WEEKS IS FINE AND I AM NOT GOING TO LEND HIM ANY $$$$. HE SOUNDED HURT BUT HE SAID ALRIGHT. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM BEING HARSH.

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Beermoney 12 yrs ago
If you terminated the helper as you seriously going to let her stay in your home for the 2 weeks until they move out. Secondly, wont she have to leave HK in less than 2 weeks after being terminated? I would also prepare yourself for the next issue. When she realizes she has no job, nowhere to live and a boyfriend without a pot to piss in, I think you may hear her cry foul play. "he took advantage of me and I lost my job"


Or this could be a big wind up, as I cant image your son being so determined to leave the comfortable nest you have given him for the hard streets of HK on 20k without a really big argument. You did say he spent 66K last month (your 45K+his 21k)

Sorry if I am wrong and if I am, you are going to need to be very strong not to fold.

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moonlight626 12 yrs ago
THANK YOU COOKIE.


YUP, BEERMONEY OUR TERMINATED HELPER WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE WITHIN 2 WEEKS OR SMTH AND IF SHE DOESN'T I GUESS IT ISN'T MY PROBLEM.

I THINK IT COULD BE MY FAULT WHY MY SON IS ACTING LIKE THIS. I HAVE NEVER LET HIM FEEL THE ROUGH SIDE OF LIFE. I HAVE ALWAYS PAMPERED HIM. MAYBE I DIDN'T LET HIM BE A MAN, I WAS ALWAYS OVER PROTECTIVE AND GAVE HIM UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. MAYBE I WAS WRONG.....I SHOULDN'T HAVE PAMPERED HIM..I SHOULD HAVE LET HIM BE A MAN. I KNOW OUR DH IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM BUT LET HIM LEARN THAT BY HIMSELF. MEANWHILE I AM GOING TO BE STRONG AND I AM NOT GOING TO FOLD BEERMONEY JUST LIKE YOU SAID. HE HAS TO LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES. I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I CAN'T HELP CRYING WHILE TYPING. I JUST CAN'T STOP..IT HURTS ME SOO MUCH...I REALLY WISH I HAD TIME MACHINE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND NOT HIRE OUR DH...I HAVE ALSO LEARNT THAT HE HAS LOST A LOT OF HIS CLOSE FRIENDS. I DON'T KNOW WHY AND I AM NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT IT. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE USED TO BE ABOUT HIM BUT NOW I AM GOING TO MAKE IT ABOUT ME. I THINK I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE SERVING, CARING AND PAMPERING HIM. IT'S GOING TO CHANGE. AM I CORRECT?

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moonlight626 12 yrs ago
THANKS MALKA...I HAVE INFORMED THE IMMIGRATION ALREADY AND HAVE WRITTEN EVERYTHING IN DETAIL.



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moonlight626 12 yrs ago
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IF THIS REALITY....WHY IS THERE SOO MUCH TWISTS GOING ON..

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HK>anything 12 yrs ago
Moonlight, as a mother of four my heart goes out to you. hang in there. you have done the right thing... be there for your son always but not your money. your DH is an inmoral person, and is a user. she is only looking to scam your son. Having said that the best weapon is to continue to have a loving relationship with your son, tell him in a adult reasonableand calm manner your opinion of the situation without insulting or degrading the GF, only saying the parents are the only people in the world that give all for their children and have NO agenda and want NOTHING from them. The DH will show her true colors when the money starts to dwindle and there is no need for a legal wedding so quickly... they can live together for awhile... tell your son he should wait for the birth of the baby, do paternity test, if he is the father he has a right to demand it, if the DH denys then there should be a major red flag. Everybody lives together in this day and age, he should too... tell him if they are really in love they dont need to rush... i am sure your son down deep have his own reservations, but he is up against a master manipulator. You need to be smarter...and in no way , shape or form should you be cooking or doing anything for the DH, that is a lack of respect. I am married for 30 years and NEVER have i addressed my in laws in such a manner... never allow her to speak to you in that way, next time simply say... "Do not ever address me in that manner, I am Mrs... " If she wants to entertain friends she can do it in HER home..(if she can get one). Your husband works for you and your family (son) and he should not maintain someone elses girlfriend, or woman even your son's. If your son continues all you can do is listen to him without judgement, believe me, it is hard to do... but a must. Always say your opinion and advise but in a intelligent way. Say..."lets think about this... what really is your feeling on this? lets think about this in a realistic way" or "does that makes sense to you?" Your son will listen to you even when he continues to make mistakes... he is inmature at 21... and he will need your support cause this is not going to end well. Do not interact with the DH at all, she is not your family, not yet. your only concern is your son. hire private detective to find out about this person. Keep calm and not emotional... that way you can think better to handle the situation. For now, continue talks with son, but no money absolutely. Tell him you love him and respect his decisions but if he has decided to become a man at 21 then he has to accept fully what that means. Good luck and God bless.

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Susie1 12 yrs ago
My heart goes out to you,Moonlight, not a good situation to be in. I can see you love your son dearly, but sometimes you have to let go as a mother, and let them take the consequences of their mistakes, and learn to manage their own money, NOT YOURS!

The GF/ex helper, is probably bragging to all her friends she has made a 'good catch', she may well be married, and if he marries her he will be committing bigamy.

We once had a helper, who nearly got to marry some elderly English guy she picked up in a hotel (when earning extra money in the bedroom), I am very happy this didn't happen while she worked for us, she was a lot older by then. However she used to brag about the man she nearly married, until his grown up children intervened and told her to get out of England as she was 'using' their dad. She was already married with 5 kids back in Phils, but didn't seem to think she was doing anything wrong sleeping around with anyone at hotels, then finding one old sucker to invite her to UK.

There is only one problem I can see which may backfire, you mentioned she is pregnant, in Hk Imm rules you cannot terminate a pregnant helper, and also you as an employer are responsible for all her medical bills till she has the baby, regardless of whether it is your sons baby or not, she may already be planning to go to the Labour department with a claim,or even charge your son with unlawful sex, that is a sad fact! many helpers know exactly how to screw money out of employers.

Does your son realise if he marries her, he could get in a lot of trouble, if she is married, and probably her relatives will leach off him as well.

I hope all goes well for you.



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Slammy 12 yrs ago
Hi Moonlight,


You've done the right thing. You've protected your finances and you've spoken kindly but firmly to your son and he has seen your reason and is not arguing with you about it, because you are being perfectly reasonable.


3 days is a short time to find a flat so that's fine to give him more time (but not more money!). If he earns less than $20k, that's still plenty of money to find a flat, or flat-share. He's not living below the poverty line and he has nothing to complain about. Next time he tells you about his flat woes, you can suggest he share a flat with someone and that way, he doesn't have to worry about coming up with the entire deposit for a flat.


I was earning far less than $20K when I moved to HK on my own and it was plenty of money to share a flat with a couple of people when I was the same age as your son!


You are treating him just fine - you are there to give him unconditional love but you need to help him take on more responsibility as an adult!

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Slammy 12 yrs ago
Listen to us... we are starting to sound like oldies who say "when I was your age.... " hahaha

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Sapphire 12 yrs ago
Moonlight, as the mother of a son in his early 20's, I can totally relate to the way you must be feeling. I would be absolutely devastated and furious if I were in the same position. However, even though I too love my son unconditionally, I find it rather hard to understand why you let the situation get to the point it did before taking action to terminate your helper, especially when she was refusing to work for you!


Threats and tantrums from a 21 year old, because his mother doesn't agree with what is going on in her own home between her son and her employee (who refuses to work!), are totally out of order! Finding her in his bed would be bad enough ... not simply the fact that she is "the help", but the fact that she was your employee, yet refusing to do her work and treating you with total disrespect, presumably due to her elevated positon as the employers son's GF! . Just because she supposedly became your son's GF didn't mean that she was no longer in your employment and no longer required to do any work. Refusing to work is obviously a good reason to terminate a helper. However, as someone has already mentioned, you may now have the added problem that she may complain to immigration that you are trying to get rid of her simply because she is pregnant ... in which case you are going to be stuck with her for the next 9 months at least!


However, I do believe that you have now done the right thing. Let your son see how he can cope in the real world without mum & dad's financial help ... As long as he knows you love him and will be there for him should things not work out with this woman ... It's my bet that in time he'll realise what a moron he's been and wished that he'd listen to you ... We all learn from our mistakes ... you can't shelter him from everything, so let him make his own mistakes and learn from them.


I'm assuming that if you have already terminated your helper, she is no longer living with you?? If she is, kick her out!! And if son wants to go with her, let him. Just tell him that it's his home for as long as he wants to live there but she is no longer employed by you and no longer required to be living there, so she needs to make alternative arrangements immediately ... I wouldn't trust her to be still living under my roof!


One more point though ... if she is already married and marries again, it is her who is the bigamist, not your son ... it is she who will be in trouble if found out, not your son.



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mike204 12 yrs ago
Moonlight, you have done the right thing. This DH will eventually lose interest when she realizes her "dream lifestyle" is unattainable with 20k. If you really want to find out if she is married or not, it is fairly easy. Apply for a Certificate of No Marriage online, unlike the birth certificate, anyone can do this.

https://www.ecensus.com.ph/Secure/Terms.aspx


If your son truly cannot move out in 3 days, then give him the 2 weeks he is requesting, but be firm that it is only your son who is to stay in your home. The DH can figure out where she will stay for the next 2 weeks. She has been very disrespectful towards you.The old " im pregnant" has been used to trap men into marriage only to find out months later that there was no pregnancy so i wouldn't worry so much about it. If she is indeed pregnant, a DNA test can be done after she has given birth.


be firm, be strong and i wish you the best of luck!



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spurtio 12 yrs ago
Actually contrary to what a couple of posters have said, despite the fact that she is pregnant (or so she says) you CAN terminate her. Even if she is pregnant you can still terminate her for Gross Misconduct with no recrimination. I am sure that anyone would agree that refusing to work is gross misconduct (let alone sleeping with your son!)

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Susie1 12 yrs ago
I agree in a 'way' spurtio, to what you are saying, yes it is gross misconduct to refuse to work. However it will be her word against the employers, and if the son and her say they 'love' each other, that will also contradict the employers word.

Also if the helper is pregnant, and wanted to 'get her own way, or any cash from labour tribunal' against the employer for terminating her, or breaking up her cosy nest with their son, she might even be really mean and say she was forced to have sex with him, and accuse him of rape, they are both adults, and consented to sex, not minors.

Many helpers know how to screw,( if you'll pardon the phrase-no pun intended), employers and their sons in this case.

I hope the story has a happy ending for the Mum concerned, if it does, the son will have learned a lesson "I hope", and should be allowed to grow up and fend for himself, without causing stress to his loving parents.

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moonlight626 12 yrs ago
THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT. GOOD NEWS AWAITS. TECHNICALLY SHE IS NOT PREGNANT, I FOUND STUFF IN THE GUEST BATHROOM AND CONFRONTED HER AND SHE ADMITTED SHE ISN'T. I THINK HER FRIENDS ARE HER BAD INFLUENCE. I FELT SORRY FOR HER BECAUSE SHE WAS SOBBING IN FRONT OF ME. I FELT REALLY BAD SO I HAD A HEART TO HEART CHAT WITH HER. SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO WORK AND SHE WANTS HER KIDS TO STUDY AND NOT BE LIKE HER. SHE ALSO SURPRISINGLY ADMITTED THAT SHE IS STILL MARRIED BUT HER HUSBAND DOES NOT LOOK AFTER THE FAMILY AND HE DOESN'T EVEN VISIT THE KIDS. HER KIDS ARE WITH HER MOTHER AND HER MOM ALWAYS COMPLAINS THAT SHE IS OLD AND SHE CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HER KIDS. SO, SOME OF HER FRIENDS HAVE ADVISED HER TO FIND A GUY HERE IN HK SO THAT ALL HER PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED. I REALLY DIDN'T EXPECT THAT I WILL BE SITTING HERE AND CHATTING WITH HER. SHE ALSO TOLD ME THAT IF SHE COULD SET UP A SHOP OR A SMALL BUSINESS IN THE PHILIPPINES THEN SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO WORK AWAY FROM HER FAMILY. I GAVE HER AN OPTION, I TOLD HER THAT IF SHE TELLS MY SON SHE IS NOT PREGNANT AND ALL THE TRUTH, I WOULD HELP HER FINANCIALLY. I ASKED HER HOW MUCH SHE NEEDS TO START UP A SMALL BUSINESS AND SHE SAID AROUND 30K. I KNOW IT WOULDN'T COST THAT MUCH I TOLD HER I WILL GIVE HER 10K BUT SHE INSISTED 15K AND I AGREED. LATER THAT DAY MY SON PUT HER OUT OF HIS ROOM AND TOLD ME TO SEND HER BACK. I DIDN'T WANT TO ASK MY SON WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. IT WAS OVER, OH MY GOD I HAD FELT A WAVE OF RELIEF WASH OVER ME. JUST LIKE THAT IT WAS OVER. GOD HAD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS. I GAVE HER $$$ AND WITHOUT A HUM SHE LEFT LAST SATURDAY. I KNOW I WON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS FROM HER. MY SON DIDN'T TALK TO ANYONE TILL YESTERDAY, HE APOLOGIZED FOR EVERYTHING, HE CRIED. I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE IS LIVING IN MY HOUSE HE HAS TO PAY ME A RENT OF 8K HE AGREED. I WOULD ACTUALLY SAVE THAT $$$ FOR HIM. I FEEL LIKE SEEING THE SUN AFTER A HUGE STORM. I GOT MY SON BACK!!!! I GOT MY SON BACK!!!! I NEED TO FIND A HELPER NOW......I WOULD HAVE TO BE MUCH MORE CAREFUL THIS TIME.

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Sapphire 12 yrs ago
Glad to see that things have turned out ok for you. Although, I must confess, that you are a far better woman than I am ... regardless of her family situation and problems (many helpers are in the same situation but don't act in this way), the way that she disrespected you as her employer and the fact that she could quite easily have torn your family apart ... I would have wanted to rip her head from her shoulders, yet you offer her money to start her own business. Anyway, all's well that ends well, I guess .... just be careful when choosing your next helper ...

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Susie1 12 yrs ago
Yes, this helper has been very disrespectful.

They all can put on tears and tell 'sob stories' on demand!, some are great actress's and can manipulate the truth for gain all the time.

I doubt whether she will use any of the 30K to start a business back home, she will probably celebrate with it, then find another employer in HK to manipulate.

The helper is only entitled to her wage to date and airfare back home when she leaves your employment, for the trouble and disrespect, which is serious misconduct in her case! she has caused. You could inform Imm. to let them know exactly why she is dismissed and put her on a plane the next day.

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HK>anything 12 yrs ago
So glad your son saw through this master manipulator. This woman basically extorted you and your family. Good riddens, make sure you have all paperwork in place for her dismissal and frankly you should put her name out to prevent this person to scam and abuse another family and report her to Immigration. Do not believe for one second she is naive, innocent or desperate...she had a decent job with decent pay in a decent caring environment which is a lot more than a lot of people have in this world, 3rd world or not. If you are going to hire another helper PLEASE go thru agency... these off the streets helpers are a gamble. It used to be that most of the helpers were truly nice God loving, moral people but not just helpers, people all around have no boundaries, integrity and morality. glad your son is saved, god bless.

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Brooklynexpat 12 yrs ago
@Moonlight - You have a good heart. The fact that she was so disrespectful would have put me over the top. I wouldn't have given her anything but that's OK because your problem has been resolved.

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coty 12 yrs ago
i'd be devastated. This is by far the worst nightmare involving those Filipino maids i've heard of. very sorry to read this but thanks for sharing which serves as a warning to all of us. usually they try with the husband.


ask your son to leave, be firm, don't lend him any money. the average income in hk is only about 12k and these people have to pay rent as well.

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Justin Credible (Part Deux) 12 yrs ago
OMFG! I was on the edge of my seat reading all those caps-locked words!


So glad you have your son back...and a word of advice, get a 45+ year old helper next time, one thats borderline dried up and prunelike but capable of cleaning for at least the next 5 years! Your son has to be sat down and told to keep it in his pants and that you will not tolerate him being a spoiled little POS again!


Wow, after the helper was so bi***y to you its amazing you were able to set things straight enough to be rid of her! Good for you! You are the bigger person, for sure...and good for you for bargaining her down to 15K ;)


Balls! You got them! Proud of you!

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kris_Lai 12 yrs ago
Congratulations!!! At last you win the battle...! I was reading all the comments from the start and I was like reading a real short story..:)

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LiamHK 12 yrs ago
@moonlight

- I'm happy for you that you have your son back. You are absolutely doing the right thing charging him the rent.

- I have a friend married a DH and decided to divorce her 2 years later.

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GemmaW 12 yrs ago
Thank goodness it's all sorted out now. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

The DH clearly was abusing her position. While it is not uncommon that DH falls in love with their employer, it is a breach of trust to moonlight that she sleeps with moonlight's son!

Moonlight, you did the right thing by being firm with your son.

It must have been so tough when all of those were happening! I'd be crushed but I would also have done what you did.

I just find it unbelieavable how the DH, not only refused to do housework (what she was employed for) but to ask moonlight to cook her lunch??? I mean, how cruel and daring can one get?

Just so happy that it's all sorted. At least she's taught him a very, very valuable lesson in life that you as a mother could not teach or you'll be ignored if you even try to teach it?

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emo257 12 yrs ago
hmmnn...THE STORY WAS NOT TOO CONVINCING, IT FAILED ON A BASIS OF SHORT FOREPLAY, IT CAN'T EVEN BE PASSED ON A TELE NOVELA SERIES SINCE A SHORT TIME OF PLAY BUT WITH A LOT OF TWIST. BUT CONGRATZ MOONLIGHT' IN YOUR UNBELEIVABLE STOTY. N UR CAPSLOCK LETTER.

UR HAPPY NOW.

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Hugie 12 yrs ago
you couldn't make it up! Or could you?

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PuiK 12 yrs ago
why would someone make up stories like this?

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