Adjustment issues and beyond...

I have had a new helper for almost two months now. We terminated the last ones contract after a year and a half due to a number of issues but also because I have become pregnant and I didnt think she would be the right fit for us once we had children. She was quite dishonest and was very distracted by a number of outside activities- such as MLM and her constant desire to socialise. Not that I intended for her to be caring for the baby at all (her tasks would remain roughly the same), but simply that I really need someone I can trust and rely on when this new chapter begins. But, with the termination I guess has come some resentment...

The new helper has, through her networks contacted our past helper. I know there is nothing I can do about this and I have no control over what will be discussed but now I can feel the new helper is uncomfortable. Small suggestions I make to her are quickly spun out of control as she has become quick to defend herself and an outpouring of bad (strange and nonsensical) excuses are hurled back at me. It is exhausting because what would normally take a few seconds to explain is taking ages because she is no longer listening to what I am saying...instead trying to read a whole lot of drama into it.

For example- this morning I was explaining that it would be better to freeze small portions of a leftover meal rather than the whole dish in one big container. This is so that portions can be reheated separately and food isnt wasted. Rather than seeing my point, it was taken as criticism and I was met with a whole range of excuses and drama. Then after I told her that a poor attitude would not be tolerated in our home (she got quite passionate about explaining her side) I received the comment 'now I see what (past helper) was saying...' To be fair, my frustrations were pretty high by this point too as I was still trying to get her to listen and understand me. But I think she is so concerned about what this other helper has said to her about me that she has lost the plot a bit...

I know I am not perfect and I am not used to being in a leadership role over someone who lives with me and is working for me so I cant say I have handled everything correctly myself. But I am really struggling to get this helper to just relax and calm down a bit. I'm not trying to sack her or make her feel bad (I think she feels I am now), I am just trying to help make her and our life easier and basically get her to listen to me before she jumps to conclusions. I have also tried to explain that in all jobs a professional attitude is expected and that sour faces and attitudes are never tolerated---but this has been ignored and I get stressed now whenever I ask her to do something that I am going to offend her and receive this 'face' in return.

I dont know...any tips?

First and foremost, you have to admit that you are just trying to make your life easier...and that is ALL that matters here. You are not a charity organization, you are an employer, if you have a pain in the a** employee, bin her.


Simple.


No need to explain yourself about anything.


No way you need to keep this helper because if anything, "the well has been poisoned" when she got gossiping with the last one. Heck, if my helper said "Now I know what so and so meant about you!" I would kick that one to the curb before continuing to share my house, my meals, and my sanity with this person!


Be strong, you are making the right decision.

Thanks for the reply. You are right- it is to make my life easier. That's why we hire a helper. But I also want to make her more efficient by suggesting ways in which she could do things that make more sense and would actually benefit her too from a work perspective (save her time for eg.). For me it seems really simple to take a logical and organised approach to tasks but it is really difficult to explain this to a defensive employee who tries to 'mindread' rather than actually listen to very simple guidance.

I don't want to sack her- although when she said that to me I did say you should be terminated for this as I was very offended. Our last helpers 'cousin' works for one of our close friends- and this is where the new helper managed to get our past helpers contact info. I feel if I hire someone new it wont fix this problem as there is no way to avoid our helper and our friends helper running into each other. I am furious at this cousin helper too- but not much I can do about her...

Just bring a helper directly from the Phillipines. She won't have friends and even if she gets to hear what the other helpers have to say she cannot just be rude or bossy since she has an agency loan to pay.


During this time you will build your own relationship with her and she can make her own opinion.

Quite frankly, if I found out that I had a helper who was 'tittle-tattling' with a previous employee, I'd stamp on it straight away! She'd be left in no uncertain terms that it was totally unacceptable. She should be made to realise that whatever goes on in her employer's household is private and should stay that way. I'm not naive, and I do realise that most helpers probably talk amongst themselves about what goes on in their employer's household, but to blatantly come out with what she said, making you fully aware that she had obviously been gossiping about you with your previous employee is totally out of order. Just imagine if you or I said that to our employer ... what do you imagine they would think/say/do ...?


Domestic helpers are employees, just like most of us are, and should be respectful of their employer ... even if they don't like them very much ... just like most of us would have to be ... if we want to keep our job!

So, last night was awake thinking and stressing about the whole situation. I told my partner I think we should terminate her as I have my doubts about her attitude changing. He doesnt really understand the situation as I have been the one managing and handling all the communication with her so I am receiving all the 'lip and 'faces''. He works very hard and I dont mind doing this- but in order to make him understand I am standing back from managing her and am ceasing to make sure she does everything to our expected standard. Perhaps I have been micro-managing too much we shall see if things improve. This now means I am letting the helper do things how she likes (just for a week or two) and will see if she is happier and if she is able to cope without me around suggesting and 'helping' her. I am also doing this as it will be the way things are when the baby arrives. She will very much need to think for herself and manage her time and tasks on her own and leave me to taking care of our first new born. I also spoke with the agency we hired her from and they suggested a warning letter -so my partner is issuing her with that tomorrow. Dont know if this is the best idea but I feel I need see for myself if she is really the right fit for us- or if I have just been carrying her since she started and not being appreciated for it. If anyone thinks this is a bad idea please tell me though- as I am a bit emotional about it at the moment and may need some clear headed advice...

ozsavvy, I agree that maybe some helpers do not like to be micro managed. As mothers, we get anxious when it comes to kids that we want them to do everyting the way we would have done them. However, they aren't us. They too have their own opinons. My last helper (finished contract), was like that. She was nice enough lady, extremely pleasant and hardworking but she does not want me to tell her what to do. She would take my comments as criticisms and she always saw the worse of everything I did. For example, I looked at her expenses book and she said I was trying to see if she'd cheat me of my money. I was only interested in the balance so I could top it up. If I told her I needed less salt in her cooking, she said I criticised her cooking and said, "Mam, you already know I'm a bad cook". I didn't mean that at all. However, the thing is, she looked after my kids well and she did all the housework. Just not in my terms but hers. She's very proud, but she gets the work done and she genuinely loved my kids.


What I'm saying is that you need to decide whether or not you can live with someone like that.


If I were you, I wouldn't write a warning letter or anything like that yet. I would just sit down with her and ask her outright what she's unhappy with. Har it from her side. Then you could just say to her that all relationships are different and just because you had hiccups with your last helper doesn't mean that both you and her cannot get along well. Ask her if she'd be willing to start again and try to get along once you've ironed out all the problems she has with you and you have with her.


Tell her also that you do not wish for her to discuss your personal issues with other helpers. That you welcome her as a member of your family and you hope she'll respect your privacy.


In the end I did let her go after her contract because I think that we've spent too many years together already and anymore would create more problems with both of us trying to control.

She is just like that GemmaW. I will try and accomodate her s little more and see if she feels more comfortable. We are rethinking the warning letter while I take a "break" from being manager and so far the world has not ended. I am having a nice time relaxing, my partner is now seeing the issues I was describing to him first hand too eg. Having no towels when he came out of the shower this morning. Usually I'd be running around making sure those sorts of things are checked and ready, explaining to the helper why these things should be ready for him. I do check the expenses book everyday still as she has a habit of buying things for herself without asking. but stepping back a bit is definitely good for me. As for the rude comment about contacting the last helper, well, when it comes time to review her salary next month i simply won't raise it. Sad for her but I just cant justify rewarding that sort of behavior. But I will give her a chance then to discuss any ongoing problems she may have.