Feeling discouraged

This is the second time a helper has left us. She's given us one month's notice. She says we are very nice to her and she's in tears when she sees me doing everything myself to prepare for when she's not around.


We pay her HK$5k a month and have offered to pay for a return trip home to Indonesia annually which will cost us around 3.6k minimum. She wants to stay in on a Sunday and we don't allow that because she needs a break.


We have three kids and I work. However, the newborn goes to my inlaws in the morning, the eldest is 8 and my 2 year old is starting half day school this September. We told her these.

On top of that, we told her that if it's tough, we'd hire a part-timer to help her and she said there's no need for a part-timer and if I had that money to spend, she'd rather take that money and stay home on Sundays to help.


I buy my groceries online so she doesn't have to carry heavy stuff and I take all three kids out on Saturdays so she can do a week's worth of marketing.


I told her if she doesn't have time, she can just dump all the dry clothes on the spare bed.

I do the cleaning with her also. I clean my own room and my children's rooms - drawers, shelves etc.


After work, when I bring my newborn home from my inlaws place, I don't let my helper take care of my newborn for fear it is too much work.

She has told the clubhouse lady that my 2 year old won't eat her meals properly and finds it tough carrying her to the markets (which was why I offered to hire a part timer to do this and she said no) and she carries my 2 year old to sleep. I've told her that my 2 year old does not need to be carried to the market. She only needs to buy veggies because the bulk of our marketing is done on a Saturday. I told her my 2 year old does not have to be carried to sleep either. I've been home on maternity leave the past 2 months and I've been putting the 2 year old to sleep on my own. I breastfeed the newborn so she does not need to help me. Both the 2 year old and newborn sleep with me all night so she doesn't need to help me with the night feeds either.

The first indo who resigned said she had to look after her daughter. She still messages me from indonesia. She told my friend's helper she was pregnant when working for me and it was early stages and dr couldn't detect it.


This current indo also says she wants to go back to tend to her daughter but I don't think so because she wants her air ticket in cash. I told her she could tell me the truth and I wouldn't blame her but she hasn't.


I've showered both with gifts of clothes, money, presents for their daughters, birthday cakes, indo food etc on top of their higher salary and annual return trips.


I don't have much expectations on housework. I leave it up to her to decide. My priorities are the kids and food for them. The rest, I don't really care. I could eat out if she's not free to cook for me. My husband is home every alternate night too.


My next helper is a filipino that has never worked in HK. I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong? I've told my current Indo to be honest with me at all times. I've treated her very well too. I treat her as part of my family.


My 2 year old is naughty and my 8 year old is very naughty also. But how can I have angel kids? They will play up when mummy's not around. My 2 year old has just gotten used to this helper and she's leaving. I feel really bad.


What more can I do to ease my helper's burden?

So I have:-

1) Newborn at inlaws the whole day, and I take care of her myself when I bring home from work

2) My 2 year old will start school half day in September (she'll have the whole afternoon free)

3) My 8 year old comes home at 3.20pm daily and we take her to her activites ourselves on Sat/Sun

4) I buy all heavy stuff online

5) We let helper take a break from the kids every Saturday so she can bulk buy the meats and do housework (or do anything she needs to do).

6) Day off on Sunday and I take care of the kids myself throughout the nights

7) My 8 year old orders hot lunches from school


Anything else I could do?


Thanks in advance.

Maybe tell her if she wants to work for you on Sundays is ok and pay her more

At what time do you get from work? and your husband?

At what time the helper goes to bed? How long has she been in HK?

Thanks, FIFIB. We wanted her to go out because we felt that if she was around the three kids 7 days a week, it would drive anyone mad. We gave her a payrise so she could still earn that extra money without needing to stay in. Then she said going out is expensive from the New Territories to Victoria Park. Again, we gave her an Octopus, offered to let her use my mobile to call Indonesia once a week and we asked her to take food from home that she could eat outside. I also buy Indonesian food for her to take out on Sundays or to eat at home if she was cooking pork for us.


I come home at 6.30pm so that I could spend time with the kids - breastfeed the 2 year old too and make sure my eldest daughter has done what she's supposed to do - shower, homework, dinner etc. My husband comes home at 7.30pm alternate nights.


We tell her to go to bed whenever she's finished washing the dishes. She doesn't. I take the two small ones into the room by 9pm latest. She sometimes needs to help me carry the newborn (if she's crying) so that I can put my 2 year old to bed. My 2 year old goes to bed within 10 minutes - she breastfeeds and falls asleep fairly quickly. Then I handle the newborn myself all night - breastfeeds/cries/nappy changing etc. My 8 year old goes to her room at 9pm also except she reads until 11.30pm. Helper, however, does not need to help with her. To be fair, she does a lot of housework in the night. She tells me that she used to work until midnight and she'd look after her boss' daughter the whole night.


She was in HK for 10 years working for two employers. She said they were very strict. Then she went back to Indonesia for 5 years to get married and have a kid.


She's really a wonderful helper. She's very polite, respectful and hardworking.... except lately, I can't bring myself to buy her pressies knowing that she's given me one month's notice and I'll have to take emergency leave from work for one month! I'm still nice to her just can't help feeling betrayed/upset.


I've been told by agents that helpers are very choosy now, even the ones who have never been to HK. Once they know you have three kids, they don't want to work for you. They tell me that helpers don't mind resigning either because nowadays employers also consider terminated ones.


I feel exhausted. This has caused me a lot of heartaches and money....

actually given that you spend quite some money on 1 helper, why don't you get 2 helpers for minimum wage and let one live out?

Your too much genouristy both financially and relaxed nature as far household duties are concerned is giving you troubles. You need to draw a line in both the cases...since you are soft, your helpers take advantage....


Second , don't follow what agents say...they make all sorts of stories. Check on this website for helpers, contact them directly, clarify what you expect during the inbterview and once employed...make a schedule for your hepler...

Its sad to see this that you blaming yourself we are in the same situation !payed more than minimum, lot of extras, very little housework no kids no cooking requiredjust taking care of 2 pets! ..have spoiled our helpers and got cheated by both of them..our last one just disapeared after we gave her emergency leave paid her the ticket and 1 month cash advance since she was suppose to come back..

I would suggest getting a new helper. You just had a "bad" luck of hiring two helpers who (for whatever reason) are not committed to staying in HK. There is no use in trying to figure what you did wrong.


Hiring two helpers may help if the work load was the issue but hiring two helpers also bring its own set of problems. Try hiring sisters or cousins. I employ two sisters and they get along quite well and help each other without any interference from me.

AaliyahM I don't think you've just been 'unlucky' with helpers, truth of the matter is your job is an undersirable one because there is simply too much work. I understand that you have tried so hard to make it easier for the helper but three children (especially) if the two older ones are cheeky is ALOT of work not matter how you look at it. I don't know any helper who has any connections to the outside world (i.e. friends they can talk to, see how other helpers jobs are) that would accept your helpers situation. There may be a few but not a lot. That is the reality of the current helper market -anyone who is any good has thier pick of jobs and most want an easy gig with lots of down time.


From her perspective, even though you are a nice and kind employer, there is just too much work and not enough money. To be honest, I don't know anyone who pays their helper the minimum wage and 5K a month would be about standard (so that wouldn't be a huge incentive for her to stay). she has told you on more than one occasion that she wants more money - so why not convert the annual holidays to extra monthly salary i.e pay her 5300? I mean it doesn't mean much if you don't listen to her as nice as you are - she is telling you she wants cash - you are judging your quality as an employer based on metrics that you have decided. Somewhere in the middle you have to come to a common ground that both of you can have some of what you want.


Personally, I wouldn't want my employer to give me an octopus to go out or lend me a phone so I can call out, because I would worry I was being monitored or that I might over step my bounds. It's probably simpler if you just gave her the cash. May be she's just not into the 'gifts' you give to her and she'd prefer the money. I have several helpers and one of them ONLY wants cash. She doesn't care about movie tixs, gifts of clothing, afternoon tea gift cards ect. She just wants the cash and I have to listen to that. The other helpers loove the gifts - you know each to their own.


It also seems like she doesn't get much down time. And I know the situtation will change a little on Sept but that is a long time away for a helper to deal with having to take care of a cheeky 2 year old all day, cooking the food, doing the vegetable marketing, cleaning at nights ect. And I know that you have said that you don't care but from my experience in HK, a lot of people here say things that they don't really mean i.e. say you don't care about the housework but get short and testy when its not done. I am not saying this about you in particular but this is a culture where people don't really say what they mean and you have to read between the lines. So she might have learnt that from her previous employers and this is why she slaves away...... Also the saturday when you take the whole family out, well then she does some serious shopping, may be heavy for her to carry back and then she more cleaning. Certainly you won't be out more than 8 hours, so during that time she has to get all the stuff done she can't get done when the children are around.


For your next helper - I would not try to be over nice and you should feel no compunction to be as nice as usual to this outgoing one either. This relationship is over and so long as you are fair to her, then that is enough - don't over think it. If your new helper is any good then I would try and work out what is improtant to her and if you are able give that to her. No point in giving her a zara gift voucher if what she wants is cash. No point bookign movie tickets for her if what she wants is cash. No point in giving her annual holidays if what she wants is cash!


I do agree with you that she needs her sundays off, so no I would not give in to that and aslo it is illegal. What I would do is be a little more proactive. Hire a part timer so that she can go to buy the groceries and have some time out every day, take her lunch outside perhaps and be away for 2-3 hours. I wouldn't wait for her to request it or agree to it. For her to agree to it would mean she is acknowledging that she can't cope! I suspect your helper is working very long hours where she is on all the time 8am to 11pm? at a guess and this would be hard for any one. You yourself are doing an incredible job of working fulltime, caring for the children in the evening and overnight plus housework with no down time for yourself ut you are mum and she is not and to her its a paid job and there is just too much of it for the pay.


Better hire the part timer for the new helper, ensure she has down time. Reward her with things she wants. Good luck and god bless.

Lagrue,

Most of the people that I know pay their helpers the minimum. I always did with my previous helpers, except the last one that I have that makes $5500 but she came highly recommended and this was what she was making before.

But yes it is a lot of work, maybe you should hire a part-timer to do the ironing and major cleaning, this 2-3 times per week or hire 2 helpers.

And there is no excuse for naughty kids especially the 8 y/o they should listen and do as they are been told.

Thank you all for your invaluable advices. They are definitely helpful especially when my new helper is coming.


I've just hired a part timer to work 6 hours a week over 2 days. I've told her that I'm pleased to make this a permanent arrangement.


My new helper is due to arrive third week of June.


My 8 year old is on holiday all of July and I will take her to work with me along with my newborn (to pass to my inlaws).


My parents will fly in in August to help for the whole month. Mum will try to help her to see how to lighten her burden.


From September onwards, my 2 year old will be in half day school.


Fingers crossed, hope the above will work.


After my current experience, I really don't feel comfortable offering a high salary anymore, probably not until half a year later. For my current outgoing helper, not only did I pay HK$7900 to hire her, but I now have to pay $3600 for her airfare and another HK$6,800 to hire a new helper. This is on top of the HK$5000 salary I offered. And does she even care? Not at all. She sees me struggling to take care of the kids, rush to work and needing to find another helper. And truth of the matter is, to her, it's just a job.


I don't know, really. We look at some local employers and think that they are too tough on the helpers. But I've achieved nothing by being nice either. In fact, I'm now having to pay her so much more from the higher salary when she resigns. Forgive me, I'm just bitter. I probably won't feel this way when my new helper comes.


PS: Lagrue, my helper does work long hours. The kids and I sleep at 9pm but she doesn't despite me telling her to go to bed at 9.30pm latest! Told her to nap then if she wants to stay up late but she says she can't nap. So 8am-11pm is probably accurate, although I don't know what she does after I go to bed. I wake up during the wee hours of the night to breastfeed.

AaliyahM if you did not sign on the contract that you would pay her 5000 on 3780 or whatever the minimu is, then for her last month and the month in leiu I would pay her the minimum as required by law and don't worry about her giving you a long face, being unhappy (look at what she has done to you!). Save your money, the realtionship is OVER,. Save the cash for the new helper if she performs.

This is the reason why I always tell my friends to never ever sign a higher salary on the contract, no matter WHAT you end up paying the helper, always sign for the minimum and give performance bonuses ontop of that, usu. helpers who are planning to stick around long term don't care, cash is cash in the contract or not. Told to me by a very wise local mum and its too true.

Thanks, lagrue. I didn't sign the contract that I would pay her above the minimum.

I've decided that I cannot do it, I have to pay her the HK$5k.

She's leaving tomorrow and today, at work, I've been in tears because despite her resignation and how upset I was before, I know I will miss her and I've become so fond of her.

At least I'm in tears now and hopefully, I won't be when I get back home.

Oh my God..its really sad..

I'm Indonesian helper too..but I LOVE so much taking care baby and kids..

Their world make my heart was always cheerful.

Especially new borns baby..

For me..money can not make everything happyness...

As long as my employer treat me well and I'm enjoy my work..thats..my best happyness..

I do not mind to shop at the market while holding a baby or put a child on my shoulders and my back carrying the groceries(I do..every Saturday with 2 kids(NB and 2 years old)

It does not matter to me if I have to wake up middle of the night to soothe your baby.

To be honest..I do not particularly like going out when day off.

I prefer to take care of the garden or read a book in my room when dayy off or go to the library with my employer's son.

This time..I really miss my employer family esp their kids..

They are on vacation for 4 months(spending summer seasons in their country )and left me alone in Hong kong..

Everyday..I just helping a neighbor because I was fed up not much work in my employer house right now..