Posted by
xmauix
16 yrs ago
Hi Everyone,
My Filipino domestic helper who's just been with us for almost a month just talked to me this morning and said she misses her 6 year old daughter who apprarently lives in China.
I just found out lately that she's married to a Chinese and that her daughter is in China. She said she din't tell me at first because she wants us to hire her.
She wants to leave as soon as possible. I know I should give her the ticket to Philippines but she suggested that I just give her the cash since she's planning to go straight to China.
I don't know whether she really misses her daughter.
We had a confrontation the other day. She taught I was asleep with my 1 year old in the bedroom. My 2 year old and 6 years old were in the living room. My 6 year old girl is really a playful and naughty type so she prolly got on my helper's nerves.
I heard my 2 year old crying while pounding our bedroom door as hard as she could. When I came out, she was just saying her older sister's name. I had no idea what's going on until my 2 year old led me to the bathroom.
I saw my helper holding on to the bathroom door while my eldest was crying inside asking my helper to let her out. As I was approching I heard my helper threatening my girl saying there's ghost in there. She even turned the lights off. Our house needs to be lit even in day time since the windows are all on the bedrooms.
I can't believe what she's doing but managed to talked to her but (obviously) on a very upset tone. I told her she should not scare my kids like that as it will or might cause phobia to them. I even asked her if she likes her child to be treated the same way.
I'd like to hear your opinions about this situation. My husband thinks I was prolly very frank when I confronted her and blames me for her leaving us.
Anyway, what should I give her aside from the plane trip and food allowance? Does she have to pay us since she wants to leave asap?
Your reply will be much appreciated
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Maj
16 yrs ago
If she want to leave you right away she should pay you one month notice...
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To be honest what she wants to do now is irrelevant. What she did to your daughter is disgraceful, and personally she would be out of the door the same day.
When something like this happens you must place the safety of your child first. Get everything prepared that you are required to have prepared by law and get her out of the house. Make sure she either signs for a ticket or the equivalent in cash as well as anything else she is owed.
Not quite end of story here either. If your daughter is really as playful and naughty as you say then it's time you took control of her. You do not want that situation to worsen either.
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Thanks to your replies. Actually, when I asked why she locked my daughter in the bathroom, she said she wanted to scare her so that she'll listen to her next time. I thought that there was something my daughter's done that could lead to it but my helper said my daughter just would not stop playing with water in the bathroom though she called her a couple of times. She said she just easily gets irritated with kids (totally opposite of what she told us during the interview).
Anyway, being a mom, I was very upset to know I hired someone who would threat my kids like that. On the other hand, my husband thinks I should have just talked to her in a friendly manner. I was like... how can I talk friendly to someone who just locked our daughter in the bathroom?
NO matter how naughty or irritating, it's not an excuse. I'm a teacher and I have students who are 10x naughtier than my daughter but that doesn't mean I should find alternatives how to discipline them.
I just hope to find a better one this time. It's really risky to get a helper you'd be sure you can entrust your kids. sigh*
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Method of "disciplining" is different for everyone. Some believe hitting, spanking is ok. Some thinks locking a child in the bathroom, or putting them naked at the front door, or locking them in a closet is ok...etc. the list of examples go on and on.
What I try to tell my DH is : under NO circumstances, are the DH allowed to hit, slap, or anything physically "punishing" to my kids. I told her, if my child is naughty, needs punishing, you tell him/her, you will tell me, and I will be the judge of things when I get home....etc. My helpers understand fully this point.
Verbal abuse is also another rule. Make it clear.
You can always tell from the DH whether they understand, and respect your rule. Just look at them in the eyes and ask them "do you understand ?"
Last but not least, what your helper did ... to me is a misconduct. It's abusing your child. Mentall abusive. there could be consequences to your child. No one knows yet.
You can ask this DH to sign a letter of Misconduct, and she should leave immediately. without one month notice. If she's not willing, then pay her the one month and ask her to leave asap.
If you are in the house, and she dares to do this sort of thing, can't imagine when you AREN'T home.....
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mom of two, I made it clear to her when I hired her. I gave her the rules and she said she's fine with them. It's prolly because she needed the job badly that's why she just said yes to all. She even said she's very good and caring with kids, one of the reasons why we've decided to hire her to look after our kids.
YOu're also right about your thougt... I thought the same thing too. If she could do such thing while I'm IN the house, how much more when my children are left with her?
Thanks so much. I'm going to show this thread to my husband so that he knows there are other people who backs me up. He thinks I should have not been too "harsh" on our helper when I confronted her.
HOw can I be so sweet when I know what's going on isn't right? Oh well, just thankful that she's leaving soon and hope to find a new one asap.
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Xmauix, good luck to you. I know how you must feel.
Husbands don't know the half about managing the kids' and the DH and finding the balance.... it's not easy. But experience, and luck will find its way. Keep trying, and keep your faith, you will find the right helper for your family.
Good luck.
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she meant "probably" me thinks..
if the story is true - i am sorry it just sound so out there, but I am sure things like this happen - i dont even know why she is still in your house - I would just stand and watch her pack her things there and then for doing something like this to my child...
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hahah GreenValleys :) ldsvllvn: you're right! that's what I meant "probably" ;)
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yes ldsllvn, the story is true. I was there when it all happened. She terminated the contract herself. She said she probably (typed the whole word this time) just misses her child so she's most of the time not herself and gets irritated easily.
However, it's not an excuse and there'll never be an excuse for someone to do such thing to a child. It din't just scare my eldest but my 2 year old as well.
She's still with me but my mom's staying with us so I'm not so worried. I've asked my mom not to leave until I get home. Helper's leaving Aug 2 and I'm finding a new one via Asiaxpat. (thanks to Evelyn)
HOpe the new one is really good with kids. I don't mean to be kissing and hugging and everything but just be nice enough to my kids. NO hitting, verbal abuse or scaring them. WE know as parents that we're the first to get hurt when our kids get hurt in any way. Can you just imagine how I felt when I saw my helper holding on to the bathroom door so that my kid can't get out while my 2 year old is crying her heart out?
No matter how sweet, no matter how nice, I am sure the tone of my voice and what I said really got her. I remember I even said "I'm not paying you to scare my kids like this" which I know is mean but that's because I was really really pissed =(
I feel bad for her. Now she plans to go to China and get her daughter back to Philippines. She even asked me to help her get a visa to China. I said I'll check with some agencies if any could help her get one. I told her it's not easy to get a visa to China since it's Olympics.
Thanks guys
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I believe you could fire her for gross misconduct in the form of abusing your 6 year old. Your 2 year old was also scared as a result of her actions and that would strengthen your arguement.
Emotional/psychological abuse can be just as harming to your child as smacking them, albeit in a different way. It also teaches your daughter an 'acceptable' way of terrorising your 2 year old if she so chooses.
If this is how she acts when she knows you're in the house, I would not want to think what she could think is acceptable when you are away.
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i don.t believe one side stories
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there can only be one side on locking a child in a bathroom and scaring her with ghosts - siddiqkhan. what other side is there - there is NO excuse for something like that!!!
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xmauix, I think no need to help her with her visa. I am sure you are busy enough with your children and recruiting the new helper already. She will sort it out, believe me. Their networking is much better than you and me (as a local). Their circles are all over the world. I mean the World!!
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What is the name of your helper?
I think you should say it, so new comers to Hong-Kong wont do the same mistake hiring her! Outrageous!!!!!!!So sorry for you to go through such a situation!!!!
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I think it would be mean to broadcast her name on the thread. She may have done something terrible but I think the confrontation taught her a lesson somehow.
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my reply to oolicha.
its not a necessary to post the name of the helper here for some good reason.we all just heard from the employer side and we never knows what the exactly happening in their house.nowadays..kids are very good at lying and for 110% the employer will be easily to blame the helpers.we can be a judge here for them if we were able to hear the whole story from the both side.Life is short anyway so Lets be kind people to others.it will benefit you in the future and in your life after death.never think you will life in this world forever.Thanks for All.
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Sorry, but cant agree with you, sweetgirl79.....
Life is short anyway so Lets be kind people to others......
What your kids will tell you in the future than if you are choosing being kind to strangers over taking care of your child?????
I do care about other people's lives! I do care about Helpers, I know how hard their life is! And I am trying to do everything to help at least the ones who are working for us!!!!!
Kids are though to control sometimes! But helpers have chosen to do this kind of work! If they cant stand the kids, if they cant deal with kids, they should not do this work!!!!!!!
I am mother myself, and I would and I will go mental if somebody will try to close my baby in the bathroom as a method of education!!!!
All I am trying to say - IF YOU CANT DEAL WITH KIDS, DONT GET YOURSELF INVOLVED WITH THEM!!!!!!!!
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Sweetgirl79 - I agree when you said "its not a necessary to post the name of the helper here for some good reason". Even if she's done something wrong, it's not good to post her name and broadcast it to everyone.
but when you said:
"we all just heard from the employer side and we never knows what the exactly happening in their house nowadays..kids are very good at lying and for 110% the employer will be easily to blame the helpers"
---- My child din't tell me that my helper locked her in the bathroom, she din't have to tell me because it all happened when I was there. You're right, everyone doesn't know what was actually happening in our household (especially when I'm at work).
Nevertheless, I don't think anyone maybe it be a helper or a relative has the EXCUSE to lock a child in the bathroom because of misbehaving. I did confront my helper and she admitted that she's not very patient with children, even her own, daughter.
Just a question though sweetgirl79, If you're in the house and the same situation happened, would you be so nice to your helper after knowing that she just locked your child in the bathroom. (Mind you, even during the confrontaion, she's still holding on to the bathroom door!)
I agree with you ooichka - IF YOU CANT DEAL WITH KIDS, DONT GET YOURSELF INVOLVED WITH THEM!!!!!!!! --- that's just basically it. We're talking about kids here and when we say kids, everything may it be so little has an effect on them in any way. I'm a teacher and I deal with kids everyday so being good with them and knowing how to handle them really counts!
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yes yes locking a child inside a bathroom isn't the right way
helper's cum nannies are nannies different from a mommy..
as for my opinion, I think the right way for this is to talk with the nanny privately (well just incase it will happen again in your household), no infront of the kids, because that scenario will make your kids even naughtier (no respect with the helper)...
while my wards/kids under my care, are growing up, they're starting to understand that thier mom is the boss in the house, not me of course, sad to say my boss is like any other Hongkong mommies, who tend to spoil thier kids. Thus with the presence of their parents my kids tend to be naughty which is getting into my nerve because I want them to be good boys.
ehem ehem my point is, Mothers and helpers should work together. Once a new helper come in your household, tell her your point and guidance in raising your child... but, again a plea, please take control of your kids and don't let them control you instead. Adult knows better than kids that's why we're to guide them in growing up......
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My ex-helper and I talked about things like disciplining my kids, doing chores and etc. I told her no spanking, threatening, yelling etc, still she failed me.
Though she's my helper, I would correct my kids infront of her so they know that they should be well behave with her. So my kids know that I'm giving my helper the authority to correct them but not in a harsh manner.
Anyway, she's back in Philippines now because her bro-in-law din't let her visit her daughter in China. Feel bad for her as this caused her her job. Oh well, she said she's married to a Chinese businessman so it shouldn't be a big deal. I just hope she's all good.
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glad
16 yrs ago
Money is no longer an issue for me if that's the situation. I will fire her that day
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hi,,,i dont agree with that filipina's attitude, but evryone in someways they need to commite mistake. im just wondering, did she ask apology? if not, she so mean, i am asking for your forgiveness and undertanding for her. in a busket of tamatoes you will find some are bad. dont loose your trust on us we are not all the same. i am a filipino DH, take note im a man of one child back to the Philippines. its been 3 years now seens my boss hired me, i do all the household, gardening, house maintenance the most is looking after the daughter she was almost 3yrs old that time and they have a twin boy a year ago. they explain what is the daugther attitude, for me to properly deal with her. the mother told, off course im not allowed to do a harsh manner, when she's doing bad things especially bad wordings, instead im allowed to call her mother and tell her what is the daugther behaving, the mother will take the actions explaining to her the things infront of me or by the phone (in a proper way offcourse), by doing that we gain the resfect to each other. now they trusting me with the twin. i think its just sometimes we are unlucky. sometime we will pass a sittuation that we dont like. and also my employer is not a mean people they are good, nice, down to earth. so do i for them. now the relationship with my employer became like relative. i hope my experience will bring ideas, in someways will help somebody. thanks for reading and also please just correct my wrong speeling and gramar. thanks:<)
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Thanks for your comment WeRHuman. If I understood it right, you're a man who also looks after your employer's children at times?
My ex-helper of course apologized for her mis-behaviour and claimed that it was all due to her burdens - i.e. her missing her child in China (it's been 2.6 years that they've not seen each other!), Chinese husband into gambling and drugs and her being forced to work as a helper in Hong Kong
Of course, what happened was just an incident and should not be a reason I shouldn't trust another person in our house.
I don't see Filipinos loving and caring nor ill-tempered in general. (I'm half-Fil) It's not good to judge everyone based on one or some people's actions.
And also, it's so humble of you to ask for corrections on grammar and spellings :) It doesn't matter, I understood what you meant anyway :P
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thanks xmauix, yes you are right, im a man i have a daugther, she is now 6yrs old.
sorry for some mistake on my writhing, i hate my english subject when i was on the school. do u speak tagalog?;<)
Money is no longer an issue for me if that's the situation. I will fire her that day
glad u are so mean. nobody's perfect, says that if you are 100% clean, have you ever cross a mistake in your life? im sure you do.
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thanks cara for your correction, next time i will try my best to correct my writhing.
atleast you guys understand me.
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WeRHuman - yes, I speak Filipino (Tagalog).
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glad
16 yrs ago
WeRHuman: As a mother I think that's the best way to do . I mean that's my point of view. When it comes to my children my claws are always ready to defend them.
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im sorry mrs. glad if i offend your point of view. i understant you. me to as a father i will defend my family in a reasonable way.
but what if, that situation happen to you and the helper is a relative of yours, lets say younger sister, cousin or who ever in your relative!
anyways sorry again mrs. glad.
xmauix, so you can speak tagalog that's great. should i speak tagalog and or can i send you an IM? oh, so how's your daugther after all of that expirience? how's your new DH?
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The helper didn't love her job.if she does she won't do such horrible act. Apology accepted. I'm Ms. Glad Sir.Compassion should be given to those who deserve it that's my rule in life.
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thingking though: what should the DH do when the kid instead of taking a bath, is playing water in the bathroom, splashing water on the floor, towels and everywhere and she don't listen to the DH?
Hm locking kid inside is of course a no no....
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xmauix, so you can speak tagalog that's great. should i speak tagalog and or can i send you an IM? oh, so how's your daugther after all of that expirience? how's your new DH?
--- yes WeRHuman, I speak the lang but I think it wouldn't be fair for the others who are participating in the forum if we start posting replies in Filipino ;)
-- Regarding my daughter after that experience, she seemed to have gotten over it. But my 2 year old hasn't. She still dreams about it in the night and would just burst out into tears. She'd say exactly same lines that she said to me while she was pounding on our bedroom door. So obviously, my 2 year old is the one who's more affected with what my ex helper did to her sister : (.
-- My new dh, she's not yet with us as she was terminated by her previous employer. She's now in Philippines and I'm waiting for my application to be granted. Before she left HK though, I asked her to come to see our place and meet the kids. I think children are wiser when it comes to choosing someone to look after them. My youngest, 1.3 years old would never leave my side whenever I'm in the house. But I was surprised that my new helper fed her by herself :) So I told myself, "she must be the one" I hope she is. Hope to get her by end of September.
I agree with you Cara - dealing with children definitely isn't rocket science. One should know how to treat them without having to punish them or being harsh on them.
My children's misbehaviours or actions have consequences and they sure work for me. I tried explaining the same concept with my ex-helper but din't work out the way I thought it would :/ And of course, children love to be praised everytime they did something good, this encourages them to keep doing the good things :)
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