Need help in handling helper please,

Hi,

I am having loads of issues with my helper and I think I'm kinda lost in tackling it all. My 1st helper I had was for 6 months abt 1.5 yrs ago, there was comm problem that wasn't good for my 2yr old so terminated her.

This is my 2nd helper, around 1yr now. I'm having attitude problem here and the way she speaks. Initially she was good, putting efforts in learning our style but soon after few months she became relaxed and less concerned abt a few tasks. My problem is that I can't ignore her ignorance, and I don't feel she is thankful or respectful at all.

I need to know how to be patient with them or ignore their behaviors or should I terminate this one too. I am starting everyday irritated which leads to bad start n bad atmosphere in my house then I try to relax myself during the day. Before I could let go so many things but now with her least bothered attitude I feel I'm picking up any n every mistake. I don't trust her, and her explanations are always a blame on someone or something. Between my husband and I have argued over her mistakes, that was in past. Few instances that bothered me-


If my husband asks for anything she would immediately drop all her tasks and focus on that one tasks he asked for, even if she is dressing up my child for school she will drop it and priorities the other one. I'm so boiled with that one... So made a rule that only I give her tasks and no one else, but my husband end up telling her things on off bcos she is around all the time. Plus he almost always see no problem in all the issues I see as a problem. Huff!!!


once she forgot to bring up that my child had stomach infection I spotted that next day. I noticed in play dates that she was more into caring other kids and ignoring my child (I love all the kids but I felt my child was ignored). With any party we have over she gets personal interest like who are all coming and if other helpers, what to cook for them etc all funny stuff, and then she gets busy chatting with them during party. Bit insensitive. We is continuously poking into my cooking like what I'm doing. So irritating. I've told her to not interfere like that, but in few days she forgets everything and back to casual attitude. Now I feel as a person I'm changing n not nice anymore the way I speak to her and about her. Few of my friends have also felt that, I hate all this of me.

What can I do??? Please help.


I could tminate her but I see this happening with any other too, or there are perfect worlds too!!!! Before I terminate I want to try every possibility...


Appreciate your time and any advice here.

Thanks

Hi, I think I would keep her and try to work it out as long as both parties are willing.


1) I feel helpers are more "scared"... well, more receptive? to husbands. They tend to listen to "the man of the house" more especially if he brings in the income. It's very, very hard not to do as he's asked. If you were working in a company with a deadline but your boss suddenly comes out to ask you to print something, you would do it. As long as it's not something like him wanting her to go out to the shops while she is attending to your child. If he did ask that of her, I doubt she'll leave your child to go out. So in a way, we have to try to give her some space and let her prioritise when she has two bosses asking her to do things.


2) Regarding her attention on other kids, I think you could tell her before hand. When friends are over, it's very difficult to know what's expected. So you need to tell her whether you want her to help cook and serve, or look after your child etc. And sometimes a kid doesn't need total attention because there are other mums and dads around as well. As long as bub is away from harm (wild older kids), eating and drinking and help with the toilet... I think it's sometimes okay that she's not totally following your kid around. It's different if you go out to a party in a public place though. Then you have to tell her you want eyes on your kid if you are busy with friends so your child doesn't run out of the restaurant alone etc etc etc. I think it's just a matter of explaining to her what you need before hand and it should be okay.


3) The biggest problem would be the attitude factor because that determines whether or not both parties can get along or whether both parties WANT to get along.


Good luck. Talk to her and I hope it works out.

How about not having a helper at all? You know, you do everything at home for yourself, your husband, and your child. This way you don't have to worry about the helper at all (as you're going to be the helper).


If not having a helper is not an option. Then you need to enjoy having one. Your post seems to allude to something that you may be the one with the problem? It's too much of a jump I know, but hey, you need to look at the mirror from time to time and see if there's something wrong with you...

Thanks AaliyahM for your advice. I'm also thinking to talk to her. If it works it works if not I look for options. I don't see her happy around here, I understand she has to work but I don't want to be the one seeing someone work unhappy here. Before I terminate I want to try my best to give her some more time.

OP I'm thinking I agree with punter in terms of doing some personal reflection and sorting out whether there is something wrong with how you are interpreting the whole situation with her.


Firstly, you and your husband need to sort out who is to give the instruction to the helper. If you tell your helper ONLY you are to give her instructions, then your husband needs to not give the helper any instructions. It is not fair to out her in the middle of your husband and your failure to come to an agreement about who the hepler should listen to, and that is what you two are doing.


Secondly, so she seems like a friendly sort and is interested in who is coming over. Don't you want her to be interested? She is a person too, and within the confines of her work may have developed friendships with the helper of your friends, this is not a bad thing (my helper can contact my friend's helper directly to sort out playdates), why does this bug you so much?


Finally, whay sort of attention do you expect te helper to pay to your child when out and about with your child. Do you pay THAT much attention to your child? I'm not trying to flame but I do see this a lot with employers, they tell their helpers, do as I say (pay LOTS of attention to my child) but not as I do (I'm not going to do that much hands on for my child). The best way to teach a helper your expectation is to have the same sort of standards for yourself and to live them.

Hmmm I can see there is a lot that people are not getting to talk about and this seems to be a place where you can open up. Ok I ignored Punter but doesn't makes sense to ignore your comments lagrue. Firstly all that you are putting on me is only bcos I've opened up enough n given you loads info out there honestly. I don't expect anyone to pick up and blame back but thanks for your reply.

Now I really need ppl to tell me how they deal with issues, how do they manage to ignore things they find out about helpers, how they are patient to reiterate things over n again. How how?? Don't tell me to look in the mirror n all that, if I didn't care for helpers as human I wouldn't have been taking advice from ppl out there and neither would I say honestly that I don't like the atmosphere in my house. Ppl read carefully n help if you can. OK.

On your points, it's clear I give her instructions, initially my husband gave her instructions n we changed that to avoid issues. NOW when my husband asks me for something she hears it being around and start acting..... DO HELPERS IN HK DO THAT OR I'VE A SPECIAL ONE

On friendly, the reason I terminated first one and hired this on s purely that. OK. I CAN'T TOLERATE A SILENT HUMAN WORKING AROUND LIKE.... but the problem is she is far too hyper or excited about her being that she ignores her duties, accepted a few times but not regularly. Talk abt it is all I can do n have done. I expect her to arrange play dates n take my kid out but if she takes her to only one place every time then what is that? She is clearly thinking abt herself n not the development of my child. DO PPL FACE THIS THING WITH THEIR HELPERS N IF SO WHAT DO YOU DO OR AGIN I'VE A SPL ONE. I came to know via another helper that my helper refused to go to hers' for kids play bcos my helper told her my child was busy... Hunh that bugs me! I don't have confidence that she is thinking in favor of my child at all, it's all abt her own preferences that he doesn't care enough.

Finally attention hun, just like other helpers I expect her to talk a bit n watch my kid. I know clearly its a problem, just needed to know if others have had similar issues.

The best way is what I've been doing but sometimes if the person is far too ignorant it doesn't work. I just needed if similar instances have happened. Ok.

Don't know what's OP there. Huff writing so much. If you got anything useful do share...

I'm done with this topic.

just my 5 cents:


have you actually written down the ground rules, given it to her on a paper and gone through the rules one-by-one? if you haven't, then frankly the problem lies with you and your husband and how you manage your employee.


i have given both of our helpers a 5 page document that covers all major areas (like the ones you seem to have issues with) and it seems to work. and i do regular, structured reviews with them by going through all points again and telling them what they do well and what they can improve against each point. nobody is perfect but a regular, structured process (rather than ad-hoc talks when issues happen) is much more constructive.


for example you ask whether other people ignore issues. for me, i never ignore issues, but i also never react to an issue right on the spot or even within a few days (except if concerns the safety of the helper, the kid of me). what i do is that i take mental or black&white notes of issues and then consolidate them together with positive things, so that i can discuss it with her when the review is due.


last point: everything about our helpers is done jointly between my wife and me. it's like a kid, if you don't act in perfect unison, they will inherently get conflicting messages.

The OP certainly has some issues. She seems to be not able to handle adversity. She also seems to be a control freak, she wants people (helper, commenters here) to do things her way. I say this because she seems to have not seen anything "constructive" in the responses.

Punter is right! Try to do without! I have had two helpers, I married the first one.....fantastic! Then got another! Shes in Canada now! Fantastic! If you really can cope without, then cope without!

To Ragz_hk,

It is your job and responsibility to arrange your kid's play dates. I

Would never leave it to my helper to decide where my kid is going.

You should call the other mother's and arrange the date, time and duration and inform your helper.

It is not your helper's job to care about your child development you are the mother it is your job.

Regarding the helper listening your husban's requests and acting without you telling her, inform her that she is not supposed to act until you tell her so.

Any chance that you are craving to have your house back to yourself wanting to do things your way on your own timing? In that case, why don't you give her a week or 2 off and see how it is. If you have serenity without her, maybe should not have a helper. If you find out that you do need help, then lower you expectations and loosen your reign. Reading your post, I have a feeling that you are really tired of not having your own territory.


When I had a sour patch with our helper, my husband did this. He asked her to leave on holiday of her choice for a while at her convenience( uncounted as her annual holiday and we paid for her destination), that's when i learnt my lesson that our helper is a big support to my quality of life no matter what. Thought I could do it without her but, i met reality. Having someone in the house made it 100 times easier to go out for a school meeting or made the holy adult time = dinner outside sans children possible without worrying about getting a baby sitter. Since then( when I truly appreciated her support) things have changed for the better and we are on the 3rd contract. She is already included in the family dynamics.


The things that bother you, personally, it doesn't bother me but, again, I am not in your house and there are solutions and the other side of rationalisations.


- play dates, if it bothers you, why don't you monitor your child instead of monitoring her.

On helper play dates, I specifically ask our helper to watch everyone as I think an adult should know what is going on and can report the facts.

- stomach infection, you really can't blame her because maybe she thought that mommy was aware.

- guests, I actually tell our helper who comes and how many people and if another helper is coming. It helps her do her scheduling of the day and what to expect. Some of our guests are acquainted with her and they go in the kitchen to talk to her. They like it and she likes it and I am happy that she enjoys it rather than worrying if ok or not to talk, as it is a sign that she is comfortable with us. If she is not comfortable, how can she do a good job?

- husband, if it really bothers you tht she prioritises her signed employer, talk to your husband and ask him to talk to the helper that he requests to prioritse you and listen to you.. ( my husband said this to our helper and it made things much easier for all parties involved)



After all, you are the only one who knows what you want, if you don't have the energy and don't want to spend time and patience on communicating, don't rely on anyone else.


One parenting book was saying, it takes 100 times repeating the same thing to trigger awareness in an adult mind which comes from a different back ground ( the book just wanted to say that for children, it is super normal that you have to say the same thing a zillion times).


Just think if it is really necessary for you to have a helper if she is causing you so much pain.



Good luck!

I agree with Xshoequeen. There is nothing WRONG with you if you prefer not to have a helper. For some people, the privacy and autonomy of one's own home are more important than the help; for others, it's the other way around. If you don't work, (from your post - kind of sounds like you don't(?)) You could also just hire a part-time local person to come and do the cleaning, ironing and boring bits.


That would free up your time to do the play-dates yourself. Play-dates are beneficial not just for the child, but for the adults attending them, be it YaYa or Mommy. Again, if you are not working, I'm sure you understand the need for adult/peer conversation and contact; it keeps us sane! The helpers need this too, so if you're going to have one: & it is a helper-organized play-date, of course she will gravitate towards the people and play-grounds she prefers; just as we Moms would. The benefit to your child is a broader exposure to different friends and activities and 'parenting-style' or 'authoritative-style' than only one parent could offer. If you are not confident in her capability to be that '3rd-parent-authority-figure' for your child in your absence, she is not the one for you/your family, (IMHO).


& YES! The "Man-Of-The-House' thing irks me to no end! Helpers, building maintenance, bank tellers, EVERYBODY hops when the MAN says jump; the Tai-Tai? The Wifey? Not so much. It's just the way it is here! I've gotten really good at saying "MY HUSBAND SAYS we need this right away" (LOL)


& BTW: She sounds eerily familiar. Her name isn't Cora by chance, is it? (LOL)

Thanks all for your time and suggestions. I kept myself off from the forum for a while and had been working on this matter. But I see these responses now and some of them are great. Thank you all. Just to keep you informed, I have been trying a few things now -

1. I accept helpers working style is different and changing them again isn't a solution for such issues. So I'm ignoring issues on a daily basis now and putting them together in one discussion. And now I will try to document them too, like cookie9 suggests structured meetings, thanks for the advice.

2. I had a long and frank discussion with her which I have done in past also but not monthly basis just once in a quarter something. Every time she laughs in the meeting bcos in her 6 yrs of career I'm the only one to have a formal meeting in living room. So anyway I ignore her laugh now I'm going to do it every month and get her used to this. Like Xshoequeen said an adult needs 100 times repeating so be it. I've to be patient. I'll try my best. Coming from working env I know what a true "feedback" means!!

3. I have changed my expectations over the child handling matter, I,ve got a planed schedule for my child and now I don't allow her to arrange any play dates. I get the week sorted, it's better and no space for anyone's interference. One thing I'm also doing is and I'm sure some of you won't agree buy its working for me at the moment to teach my helper some manners, is that when she interrupts in communications or ask me questions which are irritating I just ignore her. Then she gets a message something is wrong. After repeatedly mentioning this problem now I'm following this approach to fix her casual attitude.

4. I've asked her to adhere daily schedule strictly, which means I'm now checking task of the week are done, her food or cooking for week is sorted, break is properly taken and utilized. Lets see how long I can keep that.

5. I do work but its my own work so I can do it from home but now I try to go to my office as much as I can even if its just for a coffee. I've always been going out but I'm learning to take some of her mistakes easy. I'm prepared to find something almost daily...

At last I've to say I'm doing all this bcos I'm convinced she is only ignorant and casual plus I've to ignore a few things too, I want to try a few things before I take my final call and ask her to leave. And it's another change for my kid...

Hey, just dropped by to say, impressive of you!!!


Just to let you know, yes, things might be calm for a while but, maybe, there will be a day that sourness arises again, Then, you will have the confidence that you made the initial hill!!


Honestly, yes, our helper and we do still have sour patches on occasion but, I am not afraid to tell her what I am expecting. She loves it that I am blunt or maybe we're in just an S&M?????? ( just joking)



Anyway, I admire how you sorted it out and good luck!!

Not trying to make a diagnosis, but it almost sounds like Asperger's Syndrome in a lesser degree. Especially the stuff about cooking and being too familiar and insensitive.

Sounds mad, I know to diagnose like this over the net,, but have read alot and known people with it and it reminds me…...

We work hard in the office. Why can't the domestic helpers work hard at home. Thanks for some people spoil them.