Helper too submissive - advice please?

We recently hired a full time helper from the Philippines because we just had a baby and I will be going back to work by the end of the summer. We have never had a helper before - only a cleaning lady. Our helper is very friendly and decent but she is so submissive it is driving me nuts. She constantly looks at me with big eyes as if to ask 'what do you want me to do next?'. I explained to her that our windows do not need cleaning every day and that there will not be too much work to do until I go back to work, but she wants to keep on working (and even kept on cleaning when we were in the hospital for the delivery, even though we told her to take time off and that we would still pay her.) I often say 'just take a break/please go to your room' but she says 'it's OK ma'am' and then cleans another window or something. I just want my privacy sometimes but she seems everywhere, all the time. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that we are the first Western family she works for (she told us her previous family woke her up 3 times a night to bring them water etc, so the change in regime may be quite big). I find it difficult to deal with her 'yes ma'am, no ma'am' replies all the time, it is so submissive and I wonder if she ever agrees or understands why I want things a certain way (even though I do explain nicely). I really want her to be happy but also want to be happy myself, and even though this may sound like a good problem to have, I am going crazy like this. I am not sure I am going to trust her with our baby like this either - what if I am not there to give her instructions... Has anyone out there dealt with a similar situation? I am getting a little desperate here and would really welcome your advice.

Some suggestions:

- Tell her to call you by your names if you can't take the ma'am/sir. If she can't stop, make a joke of it. Every time she says ma'am, make a loud buzzer sound or something. It took weeks for us to get our helper to stop saying "sorry" every time she had to get something and we were even vaguely in the way. I teased her and laughed and shot my hands up in the air shouting "I surrender, I'm moving, ok!" I know it sounds a little silly, but sharing laughter is a good way to break down boundaries.

- Make a list of things you expect her to do. Divide it up into "daily" and "weekly".

- Sit down with her and go through the list. Make sure she understands which of the things are time critical and which are not.

- During the sit down, ask her if there is anything she needs. Perhaps some piece of furniture for her room, a new lamp, etc... Chances are she'll say no but it sends the message that you respect her needs.

- Ask her if she needs any supplies. Anything from a grinding stone to cleaning supplies.

- Does she know how to cook? Ask her to come up with some meals and then ask her to make them.

- Sit down with her once every week and give feedback. But first, listen to HER feedback. Chances are she'll stay quiet in the beginning. But the fact that you are willing to ask the question is important.

- Ask her to make up plans for food, groceries and other things. Say "you come up with it, and I'll go through it". This forces her to take initiatives. After a while, you shouldn't even need to do the reviewing.


As you might understand, this might take a while. Building self-confidence in someone who has been so browbeaten takes time.




". I just want my privacy sometimes but she seems everywhere, all the time. "


A good helper knows when to disappear in plain sight. On the list I mentioned, perhaps add a verbal comment about "do this room when we are not home". Things like that. Little hints. She will probably learn.


Having a live-in helper does require one to give up a measure of privacy, but you shouldn't feel like you are a zoo exhibit.

Many thanks axptguy - I saw your replies before and was kind of hoping you would reply to my questions! I sat down with her this afternoon and it turns out she is really afraid of making mistakes as her old employer always shouted at her. I already have more hope we can make this work after our talk and I will definitely use your other tips as well!

Hard to get the right balance isn't it?


Her life would have been hell getting water 3 times per night. People say some lie about the horrible treatment they have received in the past - but you look at the behavioural patterns this woman has, it is from long -term abuse, no doubt.


Her confidence as to make decsions has been compeltely erroded,and 'guy38 is dead right - it'll take her some time to gain personal confidence.


You imagine that for 2 years you live in yuor workplace, are woken in the night for petty irrelevant induldences, nothing you ever do is correct (even if it was the correct way yesterday), you get barked at and have no proper stability, no family to go home to every night - you end up submissive.


You go down to SPCA and you will see dogs with the same traits, and trust me it takes a very lot of work, patience and kindness to give these poor souls their confidence back.


Same thing.


But at least she is decent and if you can give her a bit of confidence and not make her feel like a complete chump as guaranteed her last employer did, well yo may end up with a gem of a helper.


Some people dominate people into submission to stop them being a "problem"

"I sat down with her this afternoon and it turns out she is really afraid of making mistakes as her old employer always shouted at her."


Figures. If she understands that you feel mistakes are acceptable as long as she is not negligent, she should come around with time. No one is perfect (except babies before they learn to talk ;) ) and helpers should not be expected to be flawless either.



"make sure she KNOWS that she won't be fired if she makes something you don't like. ours was terrified the first few months. we just told her that if she maked something we didn't like, we'd tell her"


Ours wasn't quite terrified, but she was nervous. By now she knows we (and especially the kids) are her guinea pigs. :)





"Many thanks axptguy - I saw your replies before and was kind of hoping you would reply to my questions!"

"i agree with axptguy, as usual..."

"'guy38 is dead right"


I see a worrying trend emerging. Pretty soon I'll be held accountable. For the record, I don't have any formal training in this stuff! ;) Jokes aside, I am flattered and humbled.

I've been through this kind of thing before. In addition to xpatguy's comments I would add -


You might want to explain to her more directly that Westerners tend to value privacy more than Asians. Encourage her to set up her schedule so she's not always hanging around the living room when you're trying to relax in there. She could iron in her room in the evenings for example. You could also encourage her to go out for a walk / to the shops when she's finished her work. And back all this up by repeating xpatguy's comment to her - A good helper knows when to give their employers some space.


Some DH are more confident to take a rest if you explain it like this: " I don't want a DH who is not well rested taking care of my baby / working in my house because when we are not well rested we are more likely to fall ill / break sth / create a hazard (e.g. by leaving the stove on accidentally)." Set strict start and finish times, communicate them clearly and 'enforce' them! If she's supposed to start at 7am and you catch her working at 6.30am, tell her firmly that you want her to go back to her room and rest until work begins at 7. After a couple of times, she should get the idea.

Good comments Snow Rose


"A good helper knows when to give their employers some space."


I would add that the reverse is also true. With her previous employer she seemingly got no privacy. Explain and the prove through actions that when she's off, she's off.


We noticed that just after we hired our helper she would be like a ghost on Sundays, sneaking out early and coming home late. I'm pretty sure her previous employers asked her to do stuff if they saw her even if it was her day off. Once she figured out that all we would say if we saw her was "hi, have a nice Sunday", she started sleeping in. :)

better that than the opposite :)

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. Your tips have helped us (and our helper, I'd like to think) a lot already and it was good to read we were not the only ones dealing with this. Many thanks!!