Conscience speaking

Posted another thread earlier about my helper resigning. After a few days of anger, hate, bitterness, sadness, disappointment (I felt like a jilted lover), a slight feeling of "have we done the right thing" has come over me.


Helper resigned this week as she told us that a sibling is ill and she needs to return home. She requested a month's leave. She didn't explain how serious it was. Two months earlier she had mentioned another family problem and wanted to give us advance warning that it may require her to go home.


Our gut feeling at the time of her telling us that her sibling was ill was genuine sadness and concern, but after her request for one month, we felt that it was a bit too much, especially with the family issue that she told us about earlier. We expressed that one month was too long but asked her to think about it and we too would have a good think. The next morning she handed her resignation letter.


Here are the questions:

1. Are we being too harsh by not allowing her to go home for a month? I'm a stay-home mum but was planning to go back to work, so someone would be needed to look after my little one.

2. Even if I'm a stay-home mum forever and ever, does this mean I have to be really flexible and understanding if my helper wants to go home for extended periods whenever a family issue arises? What constitutes an "emergency" and compassionate leave? How long for?

3. Am I right in thinking that had she discussed and negotiated with us about the timing, instead of just giving in her notice, the whole situation may not have got to this stage? I believe if she asked for 1-2 weeks, it would have gone down a bit better.


It seems a bit silly to ask all this now, but as we plan to hire another helper, I really don't want to go down this road again. I want to respect and be kind, but not a doormat. We want to be understanding employers and treat her as part of the family, but not be too soft and taken advantage of.


Just feel a bit sad today. Understand that her financial burden is quite heavy and in a way worry about her future.


Someone please tell me I'm naive and gullible!

Ask yourself this question - would your employer grant you a month's leave if you had a family "emergency"? Remember you have a contract of employment with her and that you are the employer. It is not a friendship. I know it is very difficult not to feel empathy when she is living in your house but you need to have strict boundaries/guidelines to work with otherwise it is open to all sorts of doubt/mistrust/misinterpretations and general discomfort. My boss would think I had gone mad if I asked him for a month's leave to attend to a family crisis and certainly does not get involved in my personal finances ( or anyone elses in the office!). Remember that she is not part of your family and never will be. If you want to treat her fairly then make sure she receives a fair wage and that her living/working conditions are comfortable.

Lime is right, to a point. I think you need to decide what sort of employer you want to be - and that is where your conscience will kick in. What would you expect from an employer?


i know if I had family difficulties or any illness in my family I would, without hesitation approach my boss and ask for wahtever time off I needed. Especially living away. But it is different as I would be able to log in remotely and continue with a bit with work. One month is not that much to ask in the scheme of things, especially if she has been working for you for a while and you trust her enough to contemplate leaving your child with her while you go to work.


Not sure that helps, but i think people underestimate the FDH's needs and forget that they are women with families living away too.

i think the answer is simple. you have a right to say no. she has a right to resign. you decided not to give her this time off and maybe you feel a bit regretful because she obviously really needed it.


however i wouldn't worry too much about it. just put it down to experience. i'm not sure that i would have done different to be honest.

It entirely depends on how valuable she is to you. If you her work was excellent and she was exemplary in all other areas, my guess is that you'd have seen the 1 month as a blip on the radar and have waited for her to come back rather than go through the drama of hiring and training a new person who might not be as good.


Were there other areas of her work that could have made your resentful anyway and this last incident just compounded the uncaringness of it all?


In any event, it is a very very rare employer in Asia who would tolerate an entire months planned leave, let alone an unplanned one of that length! Europe may be a different case, as long holidays are quite acceptable or even the norm there.


I don't think your conscience need be concerned because your family comes first. However, your conscience is your conscience, and nothing we can say will change that!


Cheers