Posted by
smsm
17 yrs ago
Is it ok if one wants to know DH's friends details etc...what i mean is my DH sometimes gets food cooked in her friends household in our complex. But whenever i ask her from where has she got it she just keeps quiet and doesnt give the name. I really dont know what to make out of it.
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I really don't see that it's anything to do with you unless it is for your family.
Why do you want to know amsm?
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788
17 yrs ago
I would want to know who all are in DH's friend circle. I understand they are not family members but, since she is living in my house, I would like to know what her network is like. It would give me a better sense of her personality/ behaviour and it might keep her from misbehaving as well.
Why is she getting food cooked in somebody else's house- do they know, do they they mind? What if they found out that their DH is allowing her friend use their resources? Would you like it if some other DH came and used things in your house to cook food for herself?
All it may be that she would like to eat food from home and its nice to share it with a friend. You should ask her to cook at your place every other time and you should talk to the other employer to make sure its ok with them.
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788 would you also think it acceptable that your DH know all about your friends and who is in your circle? After all she could be living with unscrupulous people and should be entitled to also check out the people she will have to come into contact with in case they do something that will affect her.
These women have little enough privacy without expecting to know about every area of there life especially if nothing has happened to warrant this intrusion. If all the signs show your DH is doing something illegal or something that affects your home and family negatively then you may well have a case, but just your wanting to know where she got some food from I’m afraid is really not your concern if she chooses not to tell you.
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788
17 yrs ago
Ofcourse she is an adult! No, I am not going to ground her if I don't like one of her friends. What a hilarious thought! All I would like to do is make sure she has a set of people around her with their good heads on their shoulders who would be there for her to guide her should any situation arise. My family wanted to know if I had started making friends and who they were etc, they still care enough want to know even though I am trotting off in to middle age. I have been living abroad over 10 years now. You may find it odd, but I love it that someone is concerned for my well being, that I have a solid support group should I need one.
Did I say I need a log of their conversations every time they talk except on Sunday when its 'allowed'? Since I clearly did not, I fail to understand how knowing who her friends are is an intrusion on her privacy?
And yes, she should know about our close friends- she has their phone numbers in case there is an emergency. She is in a foreign country living in close proximity to random people. She should be as concerned about her safety as I am of mine. Whats wrong with that?
I am also making sure that the other DH doesn't get fired for doing something behind her employer's back (if she is). At the same time making sure my DH understands that doing anything in my house, behind my back, is unacceptable. If she would like to bring a friend or 2 friends over for a meal or to hang out and asks me first.. ofcourse, it would be OK. After all, she is calling my place home for all practical purposes.
Jeez... 'you don't own her' is such a silly comment. Ofcourse, I don't and no one does. But since she is living in my house and I am responsible for her well being, it is my business.
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zalca
17 yrs ago
with all due respect, you did ask for peoples' opinions on this in your post. if you don't like the answers you're getting, perhaps you shouldn't have asked. if i were you, i'd take up a hobby of some kind and use your free time productively instead of noseying into your helper's private life.. no wonder she doesn't want to talk to you! you sound like you're frustrated that she won't talk to you. i think you can try to build a proper relationship with her, and perhaps one day she might share information with you because she wants to, not because you're grilling her about her friends etc.
sorry to be blunt
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Agree with HK1, 788 in your first post you said you'd want to know because she lives in your home and It will hopefully keep her from misbehaving, now you say it’s to look out for your helpers welfare. Either way she is a grown women and who her friends are, is nothing to do with you I’m afraid.
You can look out for her and let her know you are there if she needs help but that’s as far as I goes.
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788
17 yrs ago
There is no middle ground for you guys, is there? Either its owning them, grilling them.... or it is complete detachment till something really bad happens.
smsm, do what you are comfortable with. My DH and I are comfortable with our relationship inspite of what others might say. If you are grilling her as zalca suggests and she is feeling cornered... then you may never get a straight answer.
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788 i think what i said is very middle ground the fact is nobody likes an overbearing person who always hasan opinion on what your doing etc.
She's an adult and should be treated as one
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788
17 yrs ago
If OP feels that her DH might be doing something wrong and she feels it is hard for her to turn a blind eye, then I think she is right in asking her about it. But, she has to ask in the right way and not be accusatory or grill the DH.
I did say to keep her from misbehaving in one post and said need to look out for her in another- they were statements in 2 separate posts, but they don't have to be mutually exclusive purposes, do they? Although, I will apologize for misleading statement of knowing the friend circle. I don't need to know each and every person she comes in contact with. But I would like to know who her best friends are and where they work. I didn't think what you said, Moppet, was extreme (I now have an image of myself with a whip and leather boots et all over a cowering tiny figure of the DH trying to own her and get the 'truth' out of her), I did liked your suggestion to OP is to let the DH know that you are there.
I am involved in lives of people I care about and not for the lack of things to do, but thats me. I have grown up with in that environment where we are not detached from family/ helpers because they are adults. We know when and how to keep your distance, and yet we are involved enough. Whether you call it loss of her privacy, my privacy adn overbearing-- thats your judgement without knowing how our relationship really is. It would seem to me you have little idea how other people can make it work well without it being exactly like yours or without being judged by you. What seems to be a privacy issue for you is a detachment issue for me. Giving someone a roof to live under, food, aircon, a phone and making small talk are not signs of attachment for me.
My experience is different than yours and a happy one, so you can judge it however you may. Perhaps, I will let my DH know how to contact you guys if she prefers to leave me for better employers like yourselves!
As long as my DH is happy with me as I am with her and we trust each other- Each to their own.
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788 you don't give your helper food a roof to live under etc she earns it as part of working for you. You haven't picked some random person from the street and taken them in out of the kindness of your heart you employ them as a helper.
Wanting to know who your helper’s friends are and what she's doing is over stepping the mark. Asking her and her willingly telling you is up to her but for you to think you have a right to know is a very different ball game and in my opinion which I am entitled to and is answering the question that smsm actually asked is wrong.
Good luck in what you decide to do
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I think that there can be a good reason for knowing your helper's friends - but more importantly her next of kin.
I kow a woman whose helper died in her bed a few years ago. Speaking to her afterwards, she said that she realised that she knew nothing about her helper and didn't know where to send the helper's personal effects adn property. It made her feel sad that she knew so little about someone who had been living so closely with the family for a number of years. I can't remember what happened in the end but she did say that none of the helper's friends knew who she should contact to let them know about the death or the personal effects.
Since then, i have always asked my helpers to give me their next of kin's details - particularly when we were travelling. i explained it by saying, if you were in an accident and someone needed to be told or to make medical decisions about you, who should we contact?
Having said that, i don't think that knowing your helper's circle of friends is any big deal or a sinister invasion of privacy. anyone who talks to their helper tends to discuss friends and so on. I know some of my helper's frends, she knows some of mine. No big deal.
As to the food, my guess is that the helper who is providing the food is probably doing it on the sly and your helper is protecting her through silence.
My helpers used to buy food made from a neighbour's helper occasionally. I never asked who it was because it didn't matter to me. i found out about it though, when I saw a helper washing up the plastic container in the sink . the container was marked with words to the effect tha the container had to be returned and was not included in the price of the meal. My helpers said that the price of the meal was $3(!). No wonder the container wasn't included!
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Completely agree but this situation is different because the helper clearly does not want to pass on the information to her employer. Like you I know some of my helpers friends as she is free to have them over when off duty and does so but I would never feel I had the right to insist on knowing them and where she got something from unless it was very apparent that it could affect t my family in a negative way. If this was not the case I would give the benefit of the doubt and but out.
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smsm
17 yrs ago
Actually my helper is with me from last 3.5 years and we do share a very decent relationship..like she discusses her family problems with me if any..I have brought her to HK from our homecountry and we are here from last 1 year...i have known her friends before...her silence this time made me uncomfortable coz i too thought she may be protecting the other helper and perhapst i might be knowing her employer coz i know a lot of people here of my nationality...hence was wondering should i prod a bit more or let it be and see if it happens too often..
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zalca
17 yrs ago
actually, i think that it's difficult to respond to these threads. we really don't get enough info on which to base responses. i'm sorry if i misjudged anyone. i suppose i just based my respnse on limited info. with more info, i can get a more balanced view. apologies if i was hard on anyone.
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788 I think what I said was fairly clear and the points I made valid however the post is meant to help smsm so I wont be bickering back and forth with you about your thoughts on the matter.
Smsm if your helper was to tell you who her friend was and you knew her employer would you tell her employer? If the answer is no then say this too your helper perhaps gently letting her know that chances her friend would be fired if caught. If the answer is yes then it makes it very difficult for your helper and is the reason why she doesn’t want to tell you.
Perhaps some thought about whether it really matters to you or not what your Dh’s friends is doing will help you decide your course of action.
Good luck with whatever you do decide to do
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Her friends are not really any of your business but if you do not want her cooking dinner for all her mates in your condo then you could tell her "If you want your friend to cook for you then great, but you cannot use my store cupboard contents to cook for your friends".
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