Posted by
rs2000
13 yrs ago
Hi All,
I have a 5 weeks old and my elder one is 4.5 years. our helper finally arrived 3 weeks back from philipines. she told us that she had worked 3 years in lebanon , caring for a family with 3 kids.
now in terms of cleaning and general household stuff, she is fine, just slow. however when it comes to kids, she is miserable. She is very diligent and is doing something whole day, although i think she is quite slow and takes long time for things.
For my baby, i dont expect her to handle anything for now. What I would expect her is to get my elder daughter rready for school, feed her, bring her back from school , play with her etc etc. The MAIN issue is that she is just like a robot. she would just say "...., eat your food..." "xyz!, get up for school"
its juts a monotonous tone without any facial expression and obviously my kid never does what she says. in the begining my daughter would tell her what she did in school and other stuff, and my helper woule just say "ok..." with a plain face.
i havent seen her smiling with my kid ever. she tries but I dont know whether those were human kids that she handles in lebanon. when it comes to baby care, she is worst. she has not idea but its fine as i dont plan to get her involved before another 3 months.
Now what do you suggest I shall do. I have told her a few times about what my daughter likes..how can she tell her stories and also how to reply when she talks to the helper.....i have seen may be 5% improvement .,...but in the end, its me who has to do moist of my kids stuff...like 50% of the school prep, feeding her etc etc......i know my kid is obviously not a very easy kid to handle...but a robot can be a good friend of kids?
please suggest how shall I train her up?do you think she can get better? changing her is'nt an easy option. I have paid 5-6k for all her expenses and insurance till now. and then i will have t pay another 5k to send her back.
and with 2 kids, it would be a nightmare to wait for the next one (who noone knows will be better ?)
i am just frustrated.........and finding ways to make the situation better...btw she is good at cleaning, laundry and anything which is simple, repititive and mechanical. cooking, childcare are hers worst skills.........
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relax , the story is 75% the same for all , in the beginning we too had this problem , but we gave her 3 months to improve and informed the agency about this , we told her we will terminate you and send a incompetance letter as reasoning to immi and no ref will be provided for another job , that was it!!! after 3 months she was reading books to my son before sleeping , don't forget u r the boss u have employed her for your help...all the best
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rs2000, i have the same problem as u now.. my daughter is 6 n son is 19 mths, i hired my maid 6 months ago... when she first came, she did really come with a nice beautiful smile.. then 2 months later, out of the blue, she started becoming quite nasty to my daughter.. i am well aware that my daughter can be quite mischievious at times and i understand that all she wanted was someone to play with.. but my helper's attitude towards her was very cold and didnt wanted to help her when she needed her assistance.. i work from home, so i get to see them communicating.. in the beginning, i could let them just be in the living room playing while i work in my room, but now.. i can hardly do it.. i can always hear both my kids screaming.. everytime when i walked into the living room to ask what happened, she will simply just say.... oh.. they r just like that... kids r like that...i talked to her many times.. trying to let her know that it isnt that difficult to handle them... just a little more patience and communication.. she would always say sorry or ok ok...
just last week, an incident happened that mde me really wanted to fire her right away.. i went downstairs to get something and went back to my flat within 15mins... when i opened the door, my daughter told me that she hurt her toe while playing with the door, when i looked at her toe, it was swollen but not serious.. and she teared as no one cared at that moment, immediately, i asked her if the helper checked her when she screamed, and she say no... then i asked my helper.. the worst that i could ever hear from her.... she said... mam, i thought she was pretending.. that's why i did not care... i was really so furious to the extend that i wanted to tell her to pick up and leave right away... i told her that it is her responsiblity to make sure that they r both safe under her care.. and she said she knew that.. i talked and talked so many times.. each time she will look as if she wanted to cry.. then she will apologise... then a few days later.. she is back to normal self.. i dun know how to handle her anymore... i even do cooking by myself.. since she said she is not so good... both my kids do not want her to shower them... i have to take my daughter to activities since she said that the helper ignore her most of the time..
i have frds telling me to fire her right away.. and some telling me that just as long as she can clean up, do the laundry and ironing.. that's good enough.. but i feel so down these months as waking up to seeing her face can be really dreadful... i even tried getting her little presents to cheer her up.. hoping that she can change her attitude to my daughter..
we ever come home to see our son with little bruise on his cheek n forehead.. she did not even bother to tell us until we asked her... then she stammered saying that he bum himself...
pls advice what i should do... frds tell me since i am working from home... i can supervise..
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i dont understand why you guys are accepting your helpers this way. a helper is a helper and if she doesnt help with your needs and requirements, then she is not doing her job
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Clarice Starling, I really feel for you. I think the time might have come where it's time for you and her to part ways. When your children are sustaining minor injuries and no due care is being given then that would be the line for me. You know the fact of the matter is, children do get little bruises, bumps some of the time BUT the fact that she doesn't care/is dismissive then this is a harbinger of trouble.
Good luck with your decision, but you are lucky that you are at home to see the problems. This lady would be a disaster with a full time working mom and her children.
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rs2000 I guess at the end of the day you have to make a decision as to what is more important to you, the cleaning or the interaction with your children. yes, there are helpers out there who manage to fulfill both briefs but in my own experience, most helpers tend to be better at one over the other. I have a wonderful helper who is fabulous with my children but can not clean to save herself, can't cook anything other than a basic fried rice (even sandwiches are a soggy mess).
From your post your helper seems to be great with the housework and only average with the childcare, this may improve (remember this is a difficult time for your daughter who is probably trying to regain 100% of your attention and won't accept any one else at this point in time) with time but you may have to accept that she may never attain the high expectations of the 'super nannies' that you read about and every mother wishes for their child. I'm fortunate but as I say, I've had to make my own trade offs.
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rs, your helper sounds like mine except mine has an attitude to add.
I am in the same position as you. I have a baby and a 7 year old.
Just wondering... do you work? If you don't, what you can do is pass the baby to your helper while you get your 4.5 year old ready for school yourself. That way your eldest will still enjoy some quality time with you. It'll be less stressful for you. I'm doing that right now except I work so I begin my day at 5am in the morning. I breastfeed my baby, pump, have a little sleep, then wake up again to get my 7 year old ready to school. Then I get myself ready for work, breastfeed again, then I'm out the door.
I don't mind handling the kids on my own because I believe no one will love them as much as I do, but what I do detest is my helper telling others that she is so tired because she has so much to do and she sleeps at midnight. I do not need her to handle my kids whenever I'm home so that's from 5pm-8am. I come home to breastfeed my little baby at lunch and my baby usually falls asleep after that. I've told her that I don't expect my clothes washed daily but she still does it. Then when we're out with my husband's extended family, she pretends to care for the kids. Eg. When we're out for dinner and I go outside to breastfeed, she comes with me and watches me breastfeed. I told her to go back inside to eat and she refuses. When my baby falls asleep while on the breast, she takes over and she continues to rock my baby outside the restaurant instead of putting baby in the stroller that I brought outside. All her food gets cold and then I feel like I'm torturing her. My husband's family think that she's a super helper.
She was upset with me yesterday because she got a bit wet because she had to walk to the other side of the taxi. I told her that I would walk over in the rain myself if I wasn't holding on to the baby.
I'm just waiting for her contract to end......
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Gemma - doing house work is not brain surgery. All you need is a good attitude and willingness to work hard. There is only one mistress of the house and you're it. If your helper has a crap attitude already, then get rid of her because she sure is not going to work hard.
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I agree with beancurd. Set her priorities whether it be housekeeping or child care.
It amazes me that in hk, one maid is expected to do laundry, cleaning, taking care of children, marketing, cooking etc etc and if she doesn't do so well in one or two of her daily tasks, employers complain. Maids are human beings too. They too get tired. Helpers aren't paid a fortune and don't expect them to be like some super woman doing all the chores and yet being so attentive to children. Employers who expect the helpers to do all this should try to do it themselves day in day out.
To the OP,
Helpers are just that - helpers. Someone to help you and if your helper isn't someone you can trust with your kids , it's time to replace her. She isn't worth the stress.
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Hugie
13 yrs ago
She is probably very, very, very, very homesick! Talk to her, find out what she has left behind. Give her time. Don't expect her to jump into a job enthusiastically. She might have left a whole life behind, with no chance of seeing her family for 2 years! Would you like it? It's like a prison sentence. Good luck.
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Mike204, your comment
one maid is expected to do laundry, cleaning, taking care of children, marketing, cooking etc etc and if she doesn't do so well in one or two of her daily tasks, employers complain.
is too true. Unfortunately even a mom who does all this for her family (and this is for her family and not in the context of a job, where presumably you'd have more incentive to push yourself) would be considered a supermom/woman, however helpers are criticised if they don't attain this superwoman level. Fact of the matter is, most of us expat moms would not be able to maintain a home that is this clean whilst juggling the grocery shopping with child in tow, the laundry ect.
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I don't think I expect too much from my helper, but I don't get half of what I expect out of her. I am determining whether to have the fire her now and find someone new attitude ( and possibly start this merrigoround again!) or wait to finish out contract and find someone slowly who comes with a lot of references. Difference is my helper is lovely, super kind, gentle....TOO NICE TO MY KIDS!! maybe we should swap?? My kids are a handful but whatever they ask she does for them, and they are turning into total brats! I come home from work, and I'm 6 months pregnant, to have to deal with kids hyped on sugar, whining and fighting with each other cause she feeds them chips, lollis and whatever they ask for. All I ask is when she is minding them they only be allowed certain foods, obey the household rules, and if she has extra energy play with them or take them out, but it's not necessary as they are 5 and 7 and can play together well. I had a helper for 4 years who was treated as a family member, loved and respected by my kids and us and we stupidly let her go when we left the country for 6 months thinking we would get someone just as good....
Good helpers are out there......but how to find them that is the question???
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here is a thought.....why dont you raise your own children rather than have a helper do it for you? its worked for years in Europe...
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HKM3
13 yrs ago
Actually, Hottrade, what has worked for years in Europe have been mothers of young children. What has supported them is the good public childcare options available to those of any income level. None of which is available here. Further, for those who can afford it one can hire a true nanny or an au pair - neither of which are available here either.
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HKM3...U might well be right.....I just find it a bit unrealistic that some people expect to get a surrugate mother, a cook and a cleaner for 5000 HKD a month
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hottrade - I worked as a nanny for years and I managed to follow the employers instructions. ANd I agree with HKM3 .........childcare options here are ridiculous for us! surrogate mother I am not asking for.....do you have a helper hottrade? You would find pretty quickly they are far far from being able to be a surrogate mother. I had one who was like a grandma to the kids and was amazing for 4 years, and that worked well, when I was home I was on kids duty when she was with them she didn't have to do everything else.
It can work super well.......it can make your home life hell.....I'm in the latter camp right now.
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Can anyone recommend a good DH agency?
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I worked as a nanny - full time/live-in - in Canada for about 3 years. And part time for a couple more years, while studying.
I am a caucasian and when I started my job, I was a fully qualified teacher back in my home country. My first employer was a HK lady/German husband with an 8 years old daughter. I tell you, it was a very hard adjustment being expected to get up at 6:30, prepare breakfast and take the dog out and then basically scrub and clean all day. Often cooking dinners for their company as well and cleaning after them until 10-11pm. And take the dog out last time. The dog loved me, I tell you. They had a way of talking down to me, hard to explain...
I started looking for another family almost right away, although they thought they were being quite nice to me.
I had a family with 4 kids - from 3yo to 13y/o, they wanted me to be strict with them...well, no ice cream if you don't eat your veggies kinda thing...but the parents would give them the ice cream anyway....in the end the mother was even upset I didn't tell the kid not to run around when eating a lollipop - and she was sitting there on the front porch with us...I couldn't understand why should I take the charge when the "boss" is there?
I turned Mary Poppins when I was with a freshly separated family - the mother ran away, left behind two boys 3 and 5yo. And the father was helpless. I was making his shopping lists and I was telling him when boys needed new winter jackets and shoes...turned the house upside down, cleaned piles of junk that was gathering in every corner for 3 months since she left...
It's very difficult to explain, but the maids really have a lot to deal with in terms of getting used to their new "status". Maybe you need to let go, be less controlling....
Your kids are yours, not theirs, so don't expect them to baby-talk to them - you would really be lucky to find a naturally caring nurturing/teacher type right away. Communication is very important, the way you treat them is important as well, they do need to feel at home with you.
So, I'd say if she is a good housekeeper, praise her and slowly ease her into "babysitting" mode. Do things together first, play a board game, read the books together, get her role-playing ...she should soon see that way her job is actually easier to bear and that kids can actually be a lot of fun....Adopt "we" as much as possible...Maybe time-consuming, but as a reward, you might have a long-term caregiver trained up to your standards....And yes, do make a timetable for her, ease up on cleaning etc..... otherwise it's easy to hide doing housework...
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yon
13 yrs ago
When my kids were very young, my new helpers got to spend the whole day just watching how I interacted with the kids. Since I stayed home, I wanted to do most of bathing, feeding, school runs and kids related things. My employee would be responsible for the rest. But if I had to run out for an hour or two, I would ask my helper to do nothing but be at my kids side the whole time. The kids would be a priority and nothing else. We would even plan in the morning, if she would prep the ingredients for lunch or dinner before I leave and she would start the cooking once I returned. In between helpers, I have to do it all, so I understand how hard it is to be a DH. So I try to be reasonable and try to put whats most important first in their minds. Even now as my kids are school aged, my helper is not RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM (other then preparing their school lunches and prepping swim suits for school days and what not - very organized employees got it down pact!) but dealing with my kids is my responsibility. disciplining them is also my responsibility.
Of course, total non caring attitude is complete put off and I will not like to see that in my house. It just would not make it a good "society" within my house to live in. Good employees and employers know to keep a mutual pleasantness within the house with each other.
So... OP, give her a limited time like the other poster said and tell her what the consequences are and see if she really cares to make change. but it's probably best you don't put her in charge of emotionally dealing with your children...
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I am curious to find out what the end result of all the people who wrote in "complaining" about their helpers. I felt the same way and finally I decided to terminate my helper....the best thing I ever did. It has been a rough month juggling the kids, housework, and cooking but I think I have a better understanding now of what my helper had been responsible for and how I can manage the next one. Also, just like any person working, if you don't like what you are doing, you will be miserable and it shows in your attitude, your presence and your work. They should not be doing the job that they are doing if they don't have any motivation or love for what they do. Afterall, they came to HK to find a "better life"....they should appreciate it and you should appreciate them for working so hard.
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A bad helper is like a paid guest in your house. Give her a warning and chance to improve, if no change then fire her. Many helpers come to live in your house like its a paid vacation.
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Hugie
13 yrs ago
force feed her....see how she likes it!
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I have been having the same exact issues with my helper. I am going to give it another couple of months. If it doesn't work out I'll quit working and become a full time mom.
I just don't get their attitude problem and carefree mentality. They came all the way here to find a living but they don't want to learn or even try. As soon as I'm in the kitchen cooking my helper won't even offer to help or show the least bit of interest in observing anything. And it's been a year!!
I looked through her FB page, which is open to public. She even had the nerve to say she doesn't seem to be rewarded fpr her hard work. I've been paying her to do watch me work and for her to use FB all day!
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@lov2shop
What's her duties ,u didn't specify her job nature,like prioritized this and that,follow this time table and schedule of work. If none..it's hard to judge. Based on ur post only, u want her to be a good cook?u r d boss..u can simply instruct her to follow u..so if that's the job she cannot do then find a new helper. Why do you mostly get helper thru the agency?ther are many helper available posting on this site..u can simply trial helper basis before u hire someone..so u can see what they are capable of, most helper in this case show their ability and capabilities..
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well being a new comers in hong kong is not easy. you said she just only 3 weeks. some comments here didn't give you a good advice at all.
New surroundings, new culture, new habit of people to serve.. she need a lot of adjustment. You need to specify what really her duty in your house. but honestly having a stay in employer its add stress to a new helper especially you demand to much from a new comers.. you need to sit down and talk to her and tell her what she need to prioritized and tell her that she need to improve in that area . she is also in stage of homesickness.. give her a 3 months if she didn't improve then it is right for you to terminate her... I been in that stage also as a helper we need a time to adjust but many employers didn't really understand it and they demand high expectation from us.. yes it is our job and we need to do it but we also need your understanding ..you can't have a best employee of the year title for just one year in your job..
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