What would you do?

I'm new to having a helper and previously read with horror the stories on this forum but thought things cannot be that bad. Now I see it from the other side so to speak!


My helper is quite good at her work and was very impressive at first. I have two issues I am not sure how to deal with.


Firstly, I have a very young baby and she knows her priority is the baby. We bought her a phone for her birthday and I now know that she spends quite a part of her day texting and calling a friend ( (married man - I know he's married because he introduced her to me - she however told me she'd not been in touch with him since she joined us!!). Whilst I dont mind her using her phone or got concern about the married man bit, I am concerned that during the times she is taking care of baby this is happening. I also work and do not text my friends throughout work hours. I try to be fair with her and only ask things that I dont do to my employer. Should I ask her to stop ??


She has also asked to go back home at Christmas which I have no problem with. Her son back in Phillipines recently was in hospital with Dengue Fever. When she arrived she had a medical which was great as her main job is looking after baby. Should I ask her to have another on return as I'm worried she may bring this or something else back to baby. Maybe this is over-reacting but I just want to be sure. I generally don't worry too much about things but have a slight concern on this issue.


On a geneeral note, we've been very kind and tried to do so much for our DH and it seems to me that no matter how much leeway or financial help/gifts we offer, she does not seem to appreciate it, she seems to be getting cheekier and taking liberties nilly-willy. I dont understand why one would not enjoy and respect being treated fairly. Mmmmm....the joys of having a helper it seems!!

I've been in the almost same situation as yours before. I was generous to my helper but then I found out that she does talk a lot on the phone while taking care of my baby. At first I was reluctant to confront her about spending so much time on the phone as she's a lot older than I am but then, it resulted to my youngest child being hurt most often than not.


She was not paying attention to the baby that I would come home with my child having a big bump on the forehead. When asked, she'd say I was busy and she hurt herself. Hence, looking around the house, she din't even move a thing. She did not cook for us nor did I oblige her to keep the house clean all the time as I told her that her main priority is the helpless tot who's curiousity ends to her being hurt.


When I talked to her about her phone call issues, I was suprised that her reply was, "it is just my right to talk on the phone". I said of course, but not during work hours especially when you're taking care of a young child. I gave her another chance but then, more accidents happened to my baby. She had poor performance and careless with the baby that I had to terminate her contract after a couple of months.


Like you mentioned, mine was very impressive the first 3 months (probationary period). After 3 months did she start behaving badly. It's such a nightmare. Our neighbor's helpers even told me that she talked behind my back. Telling everyone that I'm a bad employer because I would ask her every morning to prepare my breakfast which she only did 4x by the way all through out her employment with us. :/

From the day I hired our helper, I explicitly said no phone calls, texting throughout work hours unless it's an emergency. When she has her break, then she can make as many calls as she wants. I have also said absolutely at no time is she to be on the phone when looking after the children. I told her that the priority is our children and I will not tolerate it.


She agreed to this and has stuck by it. Occasionally she will take the odd call if she hears her phone ringing and I'm here, but it's very quick and usually I hear her say she will phone them back later.


Nip it in the bud now and tell her you are not happy with this situation, particularly whilst looking after the baby.


It wouldn't hurt to have her get a check up when she returns from her home country, especially if you have a baby. I think you are just be cautious, I would do the same. Better to be safe than sorry.


You know at the end of the day, these helpers are our employees, not our friends or our family members. I very much like our helper, she is professioinal, warm, outgoing and loving with our children, but I don't shower her with gifts, give her any extra money, other than a payrise after she had proven herself. I will give her a small bonus that we can afford at Christmas, but that's it.


We, as employees are not treated with gifts, etc, from our bosses, so why do we have to with our employees. I have worked our contract like a business deal, I told her she was on a probation for 3 months. After 3 months we sat down and had a meeting and I gave her feedback on her performance, what areas I feel she can improve in and in turn I asked her if she needs to discuss anything. She asked a couple of questions and we went on our merry way.


We gave her a payrise after our 2nd child came along, and again, I said it was purely probation of 3 months. At the end of the 3 months, again we sat down and gave her feedback. She said she appreciated it and it's all very professional.


She works hard, and is treated very well by us, we give her personal time, but she knows and has done from day one, I won't tolerate sulking, moodiness (that's my area!) or dishonesty. Touch wood, all is well.

When I talked to her about her phone call issues, I was suprised that her reply was, "it is just my right to talk on the phone".


That kind of reply really makes my blood boil! Actually, there are no jobs I know of where the boss would allow the employee to make lengthy personal calls and not get their work done. Some people just seem to think the rules don't apply to them!


To the OP - I think you'll find that the more financial help / leeway you offer, the more she'll take the p--- out of you, from what you describe she seems that sort of person. The problem is that if you start being stricter now, she may react negatively - I think it's always best to be pretty strict for the first month or two to create a suitable impression, and then if during that time you have observed that the DH is a trustworthy and mature person you can loosen up bit by bit.


If you want to keep your present helper, I suggest you have a chat with her about the phone calls issue and also make clear that you're feel taken for granted in general and that you feel she's taking liberties. Explain clearly what kind of attitude you would like to see in her and ask for immediate improvement. There's a chance that she may really value her job in your home and buck up. But be warned, if it backfires you might find yourself looking for a replacement at short notice!

One more thing, Neenib, I am very interested that you say you won't tolerate moodiness, sulking, or dishonesty. May I ask how you handle the situation if your helper does one of these? I'd appreciate your tips.

Basically I ignore the behaviour. To be completely blunt, when my 5 year old puts on the sulks and moodiness I simply ignore her and not react. So I have actually taken that onboard and put it into practice with my helper.


My helper is rarely grumpy or sulky, but I on those rare ocassions she has been I simply ignore it and continue on like any other day. I babble on and ask her questions or chat as if everything is completely normal. Since those time she was like that, it's changed and now there is no issue. I have a family to care for, I don't need another child, I employed my helper for just that, help. Try just ignoring it, you may find your helper will just get on with it. As we say harden up, life's tough, but get on with it. Just say that to her if she moans.


With your comment about being strict from the start and loosening up, that is probably the best piece of advice to give any new employer. I did that, and it instilled respect in my helper and in return I have loosened up. However another great thing I learnt was if you have any niggling doubts, nip it in the bud straight away. It's uncomfortable having to do it, but it again instills in the helper that this is a business contract and she is my employee.


I may sound tough, but it works and last night my helper said thanks so much for giving me an extra couple of hours off today to go out and do personal stuff (she asked me in the morning for time off during the day and I said yes). She is upfront and honest and she knows I only work that way. My helper also tells me that whenever helpers hear of western families needing a helper, they all scramble because quote "helpers think western families are a breeze and they can get away with more, because they are soft". Now before everyone has a go at me about that comment, I am quoting, not stirring the pot.


As for the dishonesty, well I can't ever be 100% about whether she is completely honest or not. She broke a couple of things in our place, not on purpose obviously, but just in day to day chores and I never got angry. However, the last time she broke something, she tried to cover it up and I found out. I went straight into her, sat her down and told her that this is the first and last time I will have this conversation "you break something, it's okay, things happen, but what I will not tolerate is not telling me. If you cannot be honest then you may as well pack your bags and get out. I get more p%$@d off that you don't tell me than if you broke something". I think I must have put the fear of god into her, because weeks and weeks later she burnt the sleeve of a shirt and she came straight out to me and told me. I couldn't even see the burn mark but it was okay at least she was honest and I told her so.


WWcC, I would give your helper a warning about the phone. If she continues to ignore your request, take the phone away from her. She can get her own phone, you are not obliged to provide one for her.


We bought a dvd player for our helper, we told her it was the family dvd player, but is explicity for her use whilst she is under our employ, so she can keep it in her room. Chances are when we eventually go back home, we will say she can have it. But by doing things this way, you are not actually showering gifts on her, but still appreciating her good work at the same time and if she slacks off, well, goodbye dvd player. We also have everything in writing and her counter signature.

Thanks all for your helpful comments.


Neenib, I think you definately have the right approach. I'm new to this but it was my intention to take the same approach and shall now put it into action more. I must point out firstly that I'm very pleased with my helper and she's very good and responsible and takes very good care of my baby. She has built up her trust with me and I generally let her get on with things.


I also agree on taking the attitude with moodiness and sulking, I've done this and it too worked. The comment you make about western employers (as I am one) I believe is correct. I feel that my helper, being with us just over 3 months, thinks we are easy as when she has asked in the past for time off etc, which was no big deal to us, we gave it to her. Now I think she thinks she will get away with anything.


Regarding giving her a mobile, we didnt give it to her as a bonus type thing, it was her birthday and she had lost her phone and was using a charge card type phone and I could never contact her and her excuses always were the phone was the problem. So as a gift for her birthday we gave her a mobile. So it is hers and nothing to do with us. I agree with Neenib's comment about gifts from employer, it has really made me think twice now as you're right, my employer does not give me gifts so I shall use this approach also.


I have planned a meeting with my helper this weekend and we shall thrash out everything and move on swiftly with a business-like attitude. As sometimes (probably because of language barrier) she appears not always to understand what I'm saying so I've also put it in a note to her - do you think this is a good idea? Basically just telling her what we expect from her/basic ground rules/what is not acceptable etc. I did tell her from day one that I would not accept any nonsense and that any unacceptable behaviour would be instant dismissal.

i find it handy to keep a diary notebook planner, so all instructions and notes including kids activities etc are clearly written down and she can refer to it every day. there will be no more excuses that she forgot or she did not understand or for you to repeat instructions over and over again,


she can also use the notebook for any activities that you need to be aware of lke grocery day or an kid's activity that suddenly popped up etc., expenses etc


it's a good communication tool .

WWcC, i'm sending you a pm.

Oh I also meant to add that we have a "checklist" stuck next to the front door for both my 5 year old and baby. A day to day one for my 5 year old with what activities are on each day and one for my baby "out the door" things so we don't forget (the whole family uses it). I also have a calendar in the kitchen where my helper go through any new things that crop up and we jsut pop in what's happening.

Maybe as I grew up with my grandparents having old fashioned servants in the house and my parents had staff I am always bewildered by some of these posts. Firstly, your staff are NOT your friends and they are NOT members of your family. For the most part they begrudge you all your wealth and trappings and endure you and your sweet little babies purely because you PAY THEM! So Neenib, get a grip on your domestic and remind her she works to YOUR rules and YOUR REQUIREMENTS. If YOU don't want her using the phone then she doesn't - simple. If you DONT want her to go back for xmas, then she DOESN'T - oh and by the way - a sick brother, mother, father, sister, cousin, husband, wife, dog, neighbour etc ALWAYS appear near Christmas time! If he has had Dengue Fever (which I doubt) - ask for the name of the hospital he stayed in and then check the records. FDH's are NOT looking for friendships with you - you pay them - so remember to treat them WELL - but threat them as STAFF.

mdap, i understand what you are saying but must agree with neenib - a happy medium whilst making the workplace a pleasant place to all. Perhaps this is where we differ, I was not brought up with servants and therefore am reluctant to ask my DH to do something I would not do myself and prefer 'to be asked' to do something rather than 'be told'. This is how I get treated at work and in return prefer to treat my employees same way. However, I do not tolerate nonsense and any DH that works for me need only get caught out once!


The world would be a very sad place if we all dismissed outright what others tell us without any proof. I do believe her son was in hospital as my DH was very informative without me even asking and besides why should she tell me lies about it, it made no difference to her work hours and didnt require any time off etc.


The Boss is NOT always right!

ummm, dmap, I didn't post the thread so I'm not quite sure why you are having a go at me I quite happily have a grip and I daresay WWcC does also.


I agree that helpers are employees and needed to be treated as such. However, they are human beings and deserve the respect that we in return would like to have.


Our helper does not begrudge us our wealth, as we are not wealthy and even if we were, I certainly wouldn't shove their noses in it by parading around in the expensive cars, designer clothes that the people over here absolutely have to have, because they believe the more material things they own the better they are.


We also treat our helpers with respect and are grateful for all they do because back home we do the hard slog by working full time, bringing up our children on our own, and running a household, shopping, housework, etc., something that you clearly have never had to do.


As for the loving of our children, you can't fake the fondness and love that our helper shows towards my children.


You find it easy to treat helpers as little more than your lackie, but this is new to us and it shows just how different cultures can be. That is why us westerners are always gobsmacked by the way some employers and children treat helpers when out in public. It's cringworthy seeing these helpers buckling under the weight of so many shopping bags, carrying a child who is quite capable of walking, whilst the mother/employers swans in front chatting away on her mobile.


I think all these people who have grown up with helpers and now have helpers of their own need to seriously get out on their own and do the hard slog themselves, then maybe they will start to see that they have a bloody good life with someone being there for their every whim and not take for granted what they have.

I am a 61-year-old worker in a company. I was attending a usual staff meetig at 4:00p.m. on 29th Sept.,2009. At 4:30p.m. I was summoned to talk on telephone with one of the bosses and I was given a letter of termination of employment w.e.f. 30 Sept.,2009, being watched to pack up my personal things and surrender office keys and identity cards. The only reason given in the letter dated 30th Sept.,2009 was *unsatisfactory performance*. I made enquiries at Labour Dept on 30th Sept., the counter staff said that it was legal for the employer to do so as long as I was given the extra one month salary in lieu of notice and annual pay,etc. It was the the money that counts. Yet if you were me, how would you feel . Although I worked for the company for only 11 months, is the boss morally right? Can I sue them for mental disturbance and financial loss?