Posted by
cats
15 yrs ago
Does anyone know of a helper that:
has initiative, likes and has the ability to cook, can clean properly, has the ability to think ahead?
Does NOT sneak around, lie or cheat?
Can be sensitive to employers space and time?
Does not need to be part of my family of 2?
Wants to work hard to make an honest living and reap the benefits of doing so?
Does this person exist after 3 full time contracts I have yet to find a helper with these qualities and I feel really disheartened by the whole process. Am I expecting too much?
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Ed
15 yrs ago
There are many helpers looking for work listed here with references from previous employers:
http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/helpers/
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cats
15 yrs ago
Thank you for your help Ed. I did try a helper from asiaxpat and it was not successful. I currently have a helper that a friend recommended and I think that my job description is unrealistic. I think I might be asking for too much.
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Of course she exists. I know several. All have work at the moment though.
Importantly, have you:
- Set clear expectations?
- Given clear feedback?
These make a HUGE difference.
Also, you should not pre-judge a new helper based on your previous bad experiences.
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cats
15 yrs ago
Oh dear I only wish I was one of those lucky people that you write about.
To answer your questions Yes and Yes. In fact I wrote a booklet and went over every detail with her. Although I am not sure that I specifically said don't sneak around behind my back or steal from me but then again I think those are a given.
I do agree I should not judge all on the basis of a few but after three full time helpers I am really frustrated. I think the problem may be that I do not want a life long friend or a new family member. I just want someone to come in and help me with those things that I cannot do myself given that I work 70 hours a week. I understand that this is extraordinary as I would not have this type of service in my home country and believe me I do appreciate the help that I receive. We pay more than min wage, ALL holidays off (including non bank holidays). I have no pets or children. Accommodation is 350 sq ft with mountain view. There is 3 hours of cleaning every day and she has to cook when my husband and I are not out. The cooking is admittedly more difficult than most because everything is homemade but there are weeks that she cooks nothing at all.
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I can understand your frustration. Keep looking. "She" is out there.
As for the "life long friend" or "new family member", I can understand that even though we certainly feel like our helper is part of our family. While keeping your distance is your choice and there is nothing wrong with that, you cannot expect her to remain a perfect stranger. Compare with work colleagues. You may not be fast friends but you are more than strangers.
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So there's only 2 of you and you need a helper??
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Lurcher, what is the point of your post? If she wants to have a helper and can pay for it, that is enough. There is no need for other justification. Quite a few people with helpers don't actually "need" one.
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look I understand...re the helper wanting to have a relationship -with an expat employer-god knows why -maybe we seem more approachable.I am having a problem getting mine -who has shaped up in other areas quite well- to quite frankly go away and leave me alone at night...think she is lonely...well not my problem ,la... she is new to the DH game; and yes I realise it is a long way from home ... for me too actually at times... Re cooking -one who can is a treasure but a quick poll says not many can...mine makes a good sous chef though...
However, re the sneaking around and lying issue ;this is a no go zone with me and you are right to sack someone who does. As for thinking ahead...heres the thing.Smart DHs tend to get embittered , bored and fed up or dodgy faster than the ones without a lot of cognitive skills... I think these days I will settle for one who needs to be walked through every instruction and trained than a real operator who is just trouble in the end... there are some who manage to avoid being in either category ,and they are always in demand.Lots of luck finding one....
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cats
15 yrs ago
Thanks for all the assistance and advice. I do understand Lurcher's point of view and one I have pondered over quite a bit. It is not necessarily me that wants to have a helper but my husband believes that my working schedule (70 hours a week) and cooking, cleaning, marketing, running errands etc... equates to less time together. As I mentioned, everything in my home is cooked from fresh ingredients so it is incredibly time consuming. I could eat of cans and boxes but I prefer to lead a healthier lifestyle, spend time with my husband and therefore have a full time helper. I realize how lucky and extraordinary this service is and I am indebted to any person who assists me. Lurcher your point is well taken and one that I think of often. If there are only two people in the house with no kids to look after or dogs to walk then why is it so difficult to look after my house? After all, if I assume that you feel a helper would not have enough to do then my house should be spotless?
Thanks for the support axptguy38:) Apologies for me not clarifying regarding the friendship scenario. I may have been a bit harsh and I did not want to come across as completely insensitive. In fact, I have a quick chat when I am not working, buy her gifts for Christmas, birthdays ect.. and I treat her with as I would want to be treated, respectfully. After all she is helping me. What I want to avoid is this need to have someone follow me around wanting to chat all the time, interfering in my personal space and believing that somehow we could be best friends. I feel as if I am working on her schedule rather than the other way around. I don't want to mention the amount of times she has walked in on me when I am changing. Am I being to demanding? Should I do as Lurcher suggests and just take ownership of the household duties and forget about the maid? I would have a part time but it is illegal here and I would rather be cleaning my floors than those at police headquarters!
Starries ~ thank you for offering sound advice. I am beginning to come around to the idea that I need to lower my expectations and do as you suggest. After all the Philippines is not known for its cuisine so I should not expect that someone coming from there would know how to cook a Western meal. I guess sous chef is better than no chef and a little dirt never hurt anyone. Right? Now I will have to work through the sneaking behavior, which I am puzzled by and think that it may just be cultural?
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cats, don't go making excuses for yourself. A helper is a luxury for many but if you have the money go for it. Most people who come down on you are just jealous. Let them talk.
As for helpers who don't want to be friends, I have met many. They are quiet little mice in the house. Just do their job well and don't say very much.
"Should I do as Lurcher suggests and just take ownership of the household duties and forget about the maid?"
Nah. You can have it the way you want.
"Smart DHs tend to get embittered , bored and fed up or dodgy faster than the ones without a lot of cognitive skills... "
This has less to do with smarts than work ethic. Helpers with a good work ethic, be they "smart" or less smart, will work hard no matter what. They understand what is at stake (their family economy and retirement), hunker down and work towards a goal. As you you say "there are some who manage to avoid being in either category ,and they are always in demand."
"After all the Philippines is not known for its cuisine so I should not expect that someone coming from there would know how to cook a Western meal."
Meh. A good cook is a good cook. Doesn't matter where she comes from. A good cook can learn ANY cuisine.
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vabu
15 yrs ago
...just read this thread. Poor cooking skills and lack of initiative seem to be common and acceptable minor details. I guess cooking can be leaned/taught, but what about initiative?...and where do you draw the line for "a little dirt never hurt anyone"?
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Initiative is indeed hard to "teach". However you can start by making the helper understand that initiative will be rewarded, not punished. She needs to feel confident that she will not get into trouble for taking initiative.
"and where do you draw the line for "a little dirt never hurt anyone"?"
That depends on your personal preference. If you require the whole place to be cleaned meticulously every day, you will have to accept that your helper has less time to do other things.
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cats
15 yrs ago
If nothing else I have learned that I am not alone. It sounds like it is luck of the draw and really not much different from any other profession (not everyone is a perfect employee).
I guess the one thing that I really cannot live with is all the sneaking around. She sneaks food, which she does not need to because I have told her many times that she is entitled to anything in the cupboards or fridge. We told her at the beginning that she is entitled to eat our food and we also give her money to buy her own food. She goes into my desk and borrows items without asking and all of this is done in a sneaky way. She was told not to use our phone for personal calls and I checked the phone one day to find that she had been calling all of her friends. I checked our receipts when she did the marketing and she had been adding her purchases on our bill. When I asked her about it she started to cry and said this is the way I have always done. I just feel like I cannot trust her because of this behavior. Is this normal? Is it cultural? And am I being culturally insensitive? Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be? I am loathed to sack her because if this is how she behaves when she is employed I cannot imagine what it would be like for the notice month and I don't know if I can live with paying her the month in lieu.
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gosh ...cats...sorry to hear this. you have been tolerant -too tolerant IMHO How bluntly can I put this ; please do yourself a favour brace yourself and SACK her! She is dishonest - she is stealing from you. and her answer to this is thats how she is? Please ....This will only escalate. now if you tolerate more....Can I suggest that you cut your losses and pay the month in lieu And the airfare.Game over .You will really be unhappy in another 3 months otherwise...
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Cats
At the risk of having rotten eggs thrown at me by everyone else on the board (who have dodged your question) "Now I will have to work through the sneaking behavior, which I am puzzled by and think that it may just be cultural?" the answer is yes; whether working as a DH, as a barman, or as an ofice worker, either in HK or PH.
When you (as a people) have been screwed over so many times through history by colonial powers and then "Presidents" (more like dicatators) then you develop some "interesting cultural" nuances.
You just have to work through it, where possible control/manage it (exactly as it sounds as if you are doing) and not let it surprise you.
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I can't agree with the last 2 posters ...there are honest DHs and dishonest -blurring the lines and excusing the behaviour cats experienced just leads to the inevitiable denouement-now if others can tolerate this on cultural or compassionate grounds fine... i agree mistakes and breakages could be given some tolerance but the other examples are not one-going through her desk? running up the home phone? adding to the bill without informing the employer...not on.Cats is saying she is unhappy ...the situation will not improve IMHO and real trouble is looming here...those more tolerant employers ? hey I was one of them but it did not work out...suckers like me I found are never given an even break ...
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cats
15 yrs ago
Thanks to all of you for your advice and suggestions. I am really keen to understand where I am going wrong and if it is me or if I have just been unlucky. I originally came to this forum to find a helper but I think I have received a much better gift from all of those that have responded.
I really want to understand this behavior of holding back or what I would refer to as sneaking. Difficult but I will try to clarify sneaking: she only takes food when we are not around. For example, we had a box of chocolates given to us as a Christmas present and when we were at work she ate some of the chocolates. She only cooks or bakes for herself when we are not around. She wont take portions of food in front of us. It is difficult for me to know how much food to buy or what portion sizes to make when I have no clue as to how much she is eating because it is always done when we are not around. I have no problem with her eating anything but I am puzzled by the way it is being done.
We were very clear with her on the arrangements for her food budget and gave her a simple credit and debit booklet where she could write her expenses and our expenses. Maybe I should have made separate booklets?
She was only with us for 3 weeks when she came back from Graham Street market and told me that the money belonging to us was stolen with all the receipts but she managed to have all of her money because she kept the two in separate compartments. My solution was to do all of the shopping myself but then just makes her redundant.
I am keen to understand to see where I have gone wrong and determine whether it would be better to find a new full time helper or find a legal way of getting some part time help. Does anyone know of a good full time helper or legal part time?
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I don't think you have gone wrong .Seems to me you have been clear with the DH in question.Suggest you stop soulsearching and sack her.Get another helper not from this forum ie the site where helpers advertise.I personally found the 6-8 I interviewed from there very dodgy indeed.
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