is this a common attitude issue with all DH

hi all, i am new to this forum.


this helper of ours (family of three with a 7 year old baby girl) has been with us nearly one year. at the very beginning, she was beyond fantastic, very proactive, smiley, polite, clean and cooks well. however, her attitude has began to show after about 6 months. normally for her is to ignore me whenever i talk to her or just have a sour face whenever i have pointed out / give her suggestions re her work.


i wonder if it is common amongst DH to ignore their employers when being talked to; its like they didn't even think you exist. i personally find this very rude but i have had people telling me that their helper is the same, so i am not sure if its a culture thing.


we have talked with her before and it seemed to have improved- but not for long.


in terms of her other work, we are generally satisfied. she is quite organized, tidy, and so far hasn't take advantage of us.


any thoughts?

sorry i meant "7 month old baby girl"

At first most helpers are 'smiley pro-active', like they want to go out of their way to impress, some continue to be this way, and that is fantastic. For the ones who 'change' their attitude, there is often something wrong, and perhaps it is time to have a long chat and find out what is wrong.

If you are a couple with just one child, she can't say she is overworked, I presume she has the required days off, and has rest in the evenings, after a reasonable days work?.

She should be answering you if you ask her a question, or ask her to do something specific, and should be able to ask questions back if she needs to. Is her hearing OK, maybe she cannot hear so well, has a problem?

Occasionally, some younger FDH's are too envious of the family they work for, and an attitude problem shows.

Perhaps you may have started, with a 'too friendly' attitude to the helper, sometimes they take advantage of this, a good and communicative Helper/employer firm but fair attitude, is always better till you have known the 'stranger/ FDH' who has come to live in your home, a lot longer.

my DH definitely is not over worked, she has reasonable rest hours (finishes her work 9ish), has her own room, share whatever we eat, has every Sundays off so she gets to socialise with her friends.


Her hearing is definitely OK judging by her 'selective deafism'. she only likes to turn a deaf ear when certain insturctions is being given to her.


it dawned on me that i may be a little too friendly with her at the start.

It sounds like you have a good helper there. I can't get to the bottom of the selective "deafism . It can be one due to one of the ff:


1. You have been telling/reminding her of something that she has been doing all these time. -- Some helper would find it insulting or annoying and the silence could be in lieu of a more sarcastic response. Being rude by silence was the lesser evil. I have been guilty of such. You know, that awkward moment where your maid have actually memorized your "lines"?


2. There is something that she is not happy about but cannot complain. I.E extra additional work?


- in my case, I was asked to watch other kids during play time. Nothing strange excpet this happens whenever one of her friends maid goes off on holiday. I become the sub nanny and was expected to do the same routine as well. Or when I was asked to drop by my ex employer's father's house o my way home during my day off to pick up stuff. It was out of the way and it meant I have to be back "home" by 7 pm!


3. Something more personal, more profound and you, being the only adult she has to deal with on a daily basis becomes the collateral damage.


Sit her down one more time. Tell her she is a good helper, point out her ++'s and then tell her that her selective deafness is getting into you. That you feel there is some kind of hostility in your house and you'll have none of it.


You did say you were too friendly at the start. Is it safe to assume that you have changed? She might hve taken it as a form of personal "attack", that you no longer like her as much as before and has embraced the " if you don't like me, I don't like you too" mentality. Kindergarten stuff, but possible.

All DH should be good at their work. Her ignoring you and your instruction s is a sign of disrespect. Maybe if your not happy you can terminate her contract and find another one with a good attitude.

Souffle Queen,

If the helper was doing what she was asked, there wouldn't be a reason to repeat the same thing over and over.

I had a helper for 6.5 years and this was the thing that really bother me about her but maybe its a cultural thing because talking to my friends they have the same problem.

I now have a helper from Sri Lanka and we don't have this issue.

There is something that she is not happy about but cannot complain. I.E extra additional work?


- in my case, I was asked to watch other kids during play time. Nothing strange excpet this happens whenever one of her friends maid goes off on holiday. I become the sub nanny and was expected to do the same routine as well. Or when I was asked to drop by my ex employer's father's house o my way home during my day off to pick up stuff. It was out of the way and it meant I have to be back "home" by 7 pm!


souffleQueen - it seems as if you are counting which is fine if your ex employer did the minimum requirements by you. So minimum wage, minimum time off ect, if not then its not reasonable for the good will to only extend in one direction....just a thought...