Baby taking to the maid

My advice is to thank your lucky star that baby likes your maid. Children don't ration love. He doesn't love you any less, or doesn't want you, just because the maid gets attention.


The important thing is to ensure that the maid and you (and the father) are consistent when it comes to routines and discipline. If, for example, you are strict and the maid spoils the baby and lets him get away with stuff, things will obviously not turn out well.


Not to worry, your boy knows who his mother is. And if there's one more nurturing caregiver to love, so much the better. The whole "love no one but mother and father" thing is quite modern anyway. In the "old days" the whole village took care of kids and no one worried about it too much.


In our case, mother works long hours. Kids are at home with me and helper. They spend a lot of time with our helper. Regardless of hours spent, mommy is always the favorite. In the long run, there's just no competition.

we are at the opposite end of the spectrum...our daughter, 20 mths, shows no interest whatsoever in our maid (and we fear the same of the maid, not in a dangerous way but just in that she's not very nurturing), and sobs uncontrollably when we leave for work each day...we WISH we had your situation now (we did with a previous maid, who really loved our daughter and bonded well with her)

We are really lucky - our maid is really good with our daughter and yet she does not have a preference between the maid and me. I work part-time and spend almost all my non-working hours with our daughter - which has no doubt helped. In addition, I think it is becos my maid not only loves our daughter - she has always "faded away" in the background when I take over and our daughter seems to be OK to go from me to our maid and vice versa.


HF

expat2006, I have been there and sometimes I am still where you are!:) I have a lovely helper whom my son (11 months) adores. In the morning after I feed and change him, he determinedly crawls towards the kitchen and if our helper has not risen for the day- he goes up to the door and calls out for her! Once when he got scared of something, he wanted our helper to comfort him, not me. Or another time, he was giggling away playing with her. Believe me, I have felt quite jealous and upset but I have tried and managed recently to put these feelings away. They do come back every once in a while. There are so many stories out there where people would be so thankful for a decent helper and here we are getting upset about the positive side!:)


I do work part time and I am considering full time work as well. And because he has taken to her so well, right now it is very easy for me to leave him and go and do my chores or even pampering myself. For me, that is where I started making changes. I thought what would I have done if I was back in the States? I would have taken the baby along in the car, most likely get only one chore done but atleast it could have been time singing together in the car, chatting about groceries we see, dealing with tantrums in the super market, etc. So there are specific tasks I always do with him. I also always feed him atleast one (generally breakfast) of three solid meals a day if not two. Sleeping time is also definitely my territory, but again there are times I cannot be back on time- so I have to build in flexibility for the baby to expect my helper to put him to bed. I always play with him during certain times of the day. If I am going to be away, I tell him when I would be back (I know he is too young to understand but soon he will) and I always come back- and he is excited to see me in those first few precious moments.

expat2006, yes, it is wonderful to be on this forum. I had longed to be on this forum. I do wish to see more "old friends" on this forum.


I dont know if it is worth talking to your maid - just let her know that you appreciate her and how good she is with your son, however, you would like her to give you and him some quality time alone.


My maid is older (with adult kids) - I think that's why she knows how I would feel.


HF

expat2006, my helper is very good in the sense of what you call "fading away"- that she gets other work done whenever I am with the baby. You need to specifically tell her that. I had to. Even while she is minding the child, I have asked her to continue doing her work (even if it may not be the most efficient way), say mopping the floor, or dusting, or clearing stuff away as the baby can easily play by himself and he really does. She listened the first time I told her which is why I find it hard to resent her. Sometimes, helpers don't know how you want them to be with the child so you have to let them know your preference as others have said. And by this time, I know that there is no confusion in my baby's mind who is the mother so that certainly gives me peace of mind.

This is not a good sign that the child favours the maid. It is good having a maid and perhaps the problem lies in the fact that if the child wants something the maid will immediately oblige. Perhaps it is better if you explain the situation to the maid before things get out of hand. After all the maid is an employee, not a family member. She is at liberty to leave your household any time and that will be bad for your child and could cause anxiety. You need to re-arrange your work time around your child. When you go out to work then you should explain to the maid that the minute you come back you are completely in charge no matter what happens. This is how I handled being a working mum and my children have not had strong ties with the maids we have had as they know what is expected of them.

I admit, I haven't read all of the posts, but I have been in your shoes. If thisi s your first child, you will feel it much more than if it's number 2 or 3 or 4, etc. By then, you would just be delighted to have such a good helper. it's hard at first! My first child loveeeedddd our helper so much that when the helper got pregnant and left, my 3 yr old (at the time) daughter cried and cried and said she could never have another helper. after 2 months of it and a messy house, i had someone else come over and my daughter loved her instantly. she's loved and not loved helpers.i've had 2 more kids and a few helpers since then. it's amazing how quickly children love and then forget someone whom you never thought they'd forget. I've had friends who change helpers because the kids love them too much. I think that's a real shame and I'd only change helpers if the helper were incompetent or were stealing or bad mouthing me or something. I've had helpers who my kids love and helpers we've had to terminate because they scared the *** out of my kids by telling them things which would scare them into submission. One helper we had loved our children, but wasn't good at housework so I helped out more there and made lists and she did more with the kids.. Then I hired someone who was said to love children and she never goes near mine! My kids can't say they like or dislike her. They barely know her. That's how she wants it. If I ask her to join us for a walk, she resists. My kids don't always want to be with her, but they don't have any more reason than she doesn't care and she's not warm. She will made food and put it in front of them, but she can't converse well with me or them, so it's worse than having your child love their helper. Little ones will change though as they get older. Like Cara said, they will change in who they ask for, etc . It will get easier. I liked what asiaxpat guy said about how it used to take a lot of people to raise a child and now it's so different! I have not lived near my parents or my husband's parents for 20 years. when i visit them and my kids run and hug them and later tell me how much they love them, it makes me a little jealous too. i am with them so much and the grandparents don't babysit, feed, bathe or help with them, but they get total adoration from the kids. I am just glad my kids love them. sometimes my kids have also fallen in love with a teacher. once my 4 year old told his teacher he wished she were his mom. then he tried to retract it saying that he'd only want her as a mom if he could have 2 moms or if i weren't his mom, she'd be a good one, etc. i just hugged him and said that I loved her too and that he knows a sweet person when he sees one. his guilt was relieved. you may have to be careful not to let your child sense that you are jealous or he may begin to pretend not to like the helper in front of you, but he's young. those feelings are too complicated just now.

i'd say it's all good!

notyou, your son's love of his teacher, his retraction and particularly your response are so truly wonderful; made me smile and take note for future on how to help my child trust me with his thoughts and you guiding him to be a loving person :)

When I first read the message from expat2006, I totally appreciate how it feels. I was jealous of my helper for she could spend time at home with her, my daughter spread her arms for my helper, and my helper shower my daughter with hug and kisses.


My husband remind me that my helper earns far less $ than me staying at home, and that I enjoy my job


I constantly reminds myself that if my daughter likes my helper, it means she is well look after by the helper.


My helper shower my daughter with hug and kisses because its only human nature to do so as she sincerely loves her.


It saddened me when some employer restrict affections and yet expect their helper to care for their child like their own. We are all human being, that is including baby and helper.


By the way, the last long weekend I had my daughter all to myself . She now spread her arms when I get home each night after work. RESULT!

I have a 7-month old daughter, my first-born. She is being cared for by my in-laws' maid because I am staying with them and my in-laws refused to let me hire my own maid. Why am I staying with them? Because my husband is overseas and I will prefer that the maid that looks after my child is not left alone with the maid.


Like many of the contributors here, the maid looking after my child dotes and adores her so much so that she refuses to fade away when I am around. Very often she even refuses to hand the child over to me and I have told her several times that I will like to take over caring for my child when I am around the house. However, this maid is extremely overbearing and acts as she pleases. My in-laws adore the maid and treats her as family and they do not deem her actions overboard. Sometimes I assert my rights and my in-laws take her sides.


I appreciate the maid's help and appreciate the fact that she loves my daughter but like many of the mums here, I can't help feeling the pain when my daughter takes to her. My daughter used to sleep with me. After a recent short work trip away, where I had to let her sleep with the maid, my daughter now turns to the maid at night. That makes me really uncomfortable and very sad. I think we could have struck a good balance if the maid is willing to see the fact that I'm the kid's mum and take a step back sometimes. I really feel like moving out and getting another maid that I can manage but the problem is I don't know if I can get reliable help out there. Anyone has any advice to what I should do?

sadmum. She is an employee. You call the shots. You need to tell your in-laws to stop taking her side.


I would also add that if I were you, I would tell the in-laws to stop meddling. I would get my own helper. Clearly the current situation is not working. They "refused to let you get your own maid"? That's just not right.


And of course you can get reliable help.

axptguy38, thanks. I'm encouraged by your words. Have decided to move back to my own home when husband is back in Feb and employ my own helper. The current situation was not a workable situation in the first place and its time I right the wrong.

Hi,

I also have a full time work and I was back to work just a month after I gave birth.. I was also lucky that we had a good helper who took care of my baby with love. Ms My expat 2006, I think it might actually get even better when you start working outside home next year. I spend limited time at home but when I'm home, I really focus on my child, so she looks forward to my coming home. For your current case, you're at home but you're working, so your baby perhaps feels that you're not available for him/her although you're physically there. As many other people said, having a good helper is a tremendous help, and I wish you a good luck for your future both career wise and at home!