Posted by
gpz
21 yrs ago
Looking for advise from woman who have either been in or are currently in long distance relationships. What does it take to make them work.
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jizu1
21 yrs ago
for regular people like you and I, it only works up to six months MAXMUM. During this half-year, you both need to have some sore of communidcation EVERYDAY. Things like, phone, letters, msn......good luck
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it worked for my friend for 2 years. then she came back and after 1 years she dumped him.
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Just broke with him in CNY Eve.I am in SH and he is in NY.We tried every means.Mail,msn,phone calls,SMS,and we also tried cyper sex and phone sex.It works at the first few months,later, no use! LDR is difficult, if you have the courage and prepare to take the pain, go ahead!
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My fiance and I did it. It was very difficult, and not for everyone. We had to talk very clearly and honestly about everything, and our phone bills were HORRENDOUS.
Very happy to be together now!
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Mmmm... a lot of stories of failure, but i've been in LTR with my girlfriend for more than 2 1/2 years. It's very hard to trust someone when yr far apart, especially she's a very hot and pretty girl with a very strong character and always has guys chasing her wherever she is.
We just see each other for a few days about once a month, although we talk every day on the phone and send txts.
Now after a lot of doubts with trust, both ways, it seems stronger than ever, and one thing for sure if you can stand being apart it can be so great when you do see each other...something about the batteries re-charging i think??
So now we decided to go all the way and make a baby, should be coming later this year. Anyway with any relationship, happiness is not an easy thing, you really have to want it and have some luck to find that special person...and even then hard to make it good for the long term
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it's so hard to find such long standing love nowadays! I'm inspired!
*wipes tears off eyes*
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Rainy
21 yrs ago
wow ... that's very nice!
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It's really hard,but we made it.
First we spent 2 years in HK and he moved to london and I was in HK.
But we talked on the phone everyday and tried to spend holiday together as much as possible.
After another two and half year we got married and now we are in Tokyo together!!!
I thought it's impossible at the begining but it really depends on!!!!
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frequent trips, daily phone calls, daily emails, chats etc. you have to fill the distance by frequent communication. and trust the power of karma (yunfan).
it may also be better to set a target date when either of you will move back, or both of you will mutually move to a place to be together.
it's hard, but if you are going to do it, stick by it. once the pain is over, it's surely rewarding!!
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Love all the great advice! I am in long distance relationship for 6 months now. Boyfriend in USA, me in Hong Kong. We are talking every day and working through any difficult or disconnected feeling moments. Its working and not ideal, but i think truly possible. He is talking about moving here now. Thing is that he will have to find a job, and make a life here. I expect this will bring new challenges to the relationship. Especially since he is moving here for a woman! Shouldn't make a difference, in this modern world but i cannot help but think that there must be some pride being swallowed for him. Lucky for me he's wonderful and willing to do this. Any relationship advice on how to handle moving from long distance when one person has to start humbly in the city of their loved one?
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Ive done it, for about 10 months. Had lived together previously for about 18 months, and decided I wanted to go home. Spoke on the phone everyday, emails, sms, webcams- the lot. I saw him 3 times during this period. He still cheated on me (prostitute, not affair), and I had fun of my own. Our love didnt change, but we needed physical contact. You need to be strong to make them work. Dont put up with rubbish, but do remember a man is a man, and sex doesnt equal love.
Its hard to get the balance between communicating enough, and too much. Adam- my man used to say good night, and call back after 30 mins, just to tell me he loved me- but to me that says he doesnt quite beleive ive gone to bed!
Anyway, he agreed to move back home, and I have come back to asia for a few months til then.
It will be a rollercoaster- but i feel it can be worth it in the end.
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Ponder: as for him moving for you- thats a huge responsibility, you need to try and be patient- but dont always give in- yes, he moved for you, gave up a job or whatever- but that doesnt mean you have to give up certain things for him. Just compramise as you would in a normal relationship, if he expects more because he moved, then he isnt worth your time.
That is just my opinion, and I am the one who followed my man first, now he is following me.
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Great advice, thank you. "Responsibility Guilt" could hurt the relationship too. I've made it clear from the beginning that in moving here he needs to do this because he wants to for himself as well as do it for the relationship. Personally he needs to get something out of the experience. We have no trust issues (as per some previous emails i've read here). Thank for the great words of wisdom!
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ponderonthitoo, check your mail box in about an hour.
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I was in a LDR for three years and a half years, about 4 years ago. I was young and stupid some would say, but we really did love each other. I was at uni and he was just starting his grad job. We were occupied with exciting things in between seeing each other at least once a month. His best friend was also in a LDR, so they supported each other I guess. Three years is a long time - and expensive too. Our phone bills and plane fares would make you faint. Don't forget sending flowers etc. It worked for us though...until I decided to move for him. It was a mutual thing that we talked about for a while and we had the perfect little life - for about 4 months and then something happened. We couldn't live together!! Maybe that's a cop out for a bigger problem, but it's water under the bridge. We're the best of mates today and we'll always mean something to each other. I guess we're pretty lucky that we can laugh about it.
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hi again,
our phone bills weren't too bad- as he often called from the company phone- a nice luxary. But we found using webcams the best. Just download MSN messanger, and buy a couple of webcams, with in built microphones- much cheaper in the long run, and you can see as well as hear. Good point about the flowers! We also used to send each other little surprises in the mail. Something sentimental, something sexy, the type of chocolate only available in one place etc. It was great fun.
Ponder: you sound very smart, and the fact you have no trust issues in amazing- best of luck to you
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Ok girls, maybe you can give me some advice? As I said above, my LTR girlfriend is pregnant, just about 6 weeks so it's early days. She was so keen to have a baby and I am too coz I'm crazy about her. Yesterday she asked the expected "are you sure about this", some doubts i guess can be normal. I said yes, but what about you? then she replied "I'm only doing this coz I know it will make you happy" She's often saying things for fun, but now i'm wondering what's in her mind?? Any thoughts girls??
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Economist,
Stop disecting ur beautiful relationship.dont try to make it thread bare.U said u are crazy abt Ur girl, so be it. why do u want to cram ur head with imaginery things assumed reason and in the process spoil it, can anyone here read what ur GF is thinking? u know her best and when she is in love with u , enough to carry ur child , what else u want.It needs courage to take a responsibility of another human being.
So let simple things be simple and enjoy ur bliss.
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The thing is, girls sometimes just need some extra encouragement. Sit her down and ask her whether she wants to keep the child, let her know it is absolutely ok if she doesnt. I think if I were pregnant right now, I would be freaking out too, but if my bf tells me that everything will be ok and how he will continue loving me and our child with all his heart, then I will keep the kid nevertheless. Yes keeping the kid is still FOR him, but maybe it won't be too bad after all. I hope I make sense here.. of course, you have to take in consideration the tone and way your gf responds to your concerns.
BTW, me in long distance relationship myself. Thinking of moving to his country for school, and living with him of course. If the relationship doesnt work out at the end, I can still get something out of it. But I LOVE my bf, and I dont think I can find anyone better, thats what that keeps me going everyday!!
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Thanks for those comments. Yes, i thought that it's just the reality sinking in her for and she needs a bit more reassurance, still it made me think. But i don't want to make a big thing of it.
Seems sure to me that she does want the baby...and it's a bit anxious for both of us because she was pregnant twice last yr and lost it both times
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Economist: are you planning to move there? or her to you? If she is moving to you, what support will she have? Being pregnant is hard but doing it alone, with possibly no friends besides you, who i assume will have to work can be scary.
There is never a reason to have a baby, unless both parents are 100% positive, but you need to consider your ages, and the fact you have lost 2 pregnancies already.
I imagine she is terrified at the moment, and probably sees this as a 'big thing' so by playing it down, you could be giving the impression you dont care- pregnancy can make woman slightly nuts.
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Ozgurl, thanks for your concern.
Well we talked about it but it's hard to think about living in the same place, coz i'm md of a consulting firm here in hk and she is running four businesses in her home town and at the same time bringing up five younger brothers and sisters, the youngest 6 yrs old and all except one still at school. I can't work in her place and her family can't do without her and couldn't all move here. But at least she's very busy and got a lot of family there to keep her company...
so for the present we're trying it like this
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I am also experiencing this relationship with my bf ...like ...more than seven months ..but everything goes very well with us .i think first ,you have to be very honest to each other ,second,you have to keep contact everyday ..and yes our phone bills are &^%%^&...but it is worth i think .then we also try other ways ..like letters ..gifts ..and msn ..mails ..try to hear each other and see each other on line everyday .but my bf does not want to keep this relationship for a long time ,so he will move to shanghai and be with me ..i know it is not easy for everyone ..but sometimes you have to give up sth then get sth .Maybe one day when i finish my studying i will also leave my life here to go to his country .the point is we two have to get together.we believe it .so do not doubt your choice ,you have to trust yourself and your gf .good luck!
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Pumpkin> The crazy things we do for love, eh?
Hope you're well and happy with your guy.
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Pumpkin, wheres your man?
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Ok, let's have a dose of reality this afternoon. Long distance relationships only work when there is a plan to physically live together in the same location. To go through years of your life wasted on the phone and messenger is quite sad given our finite time on this planet.
I'm not saying this is solely due to sexual desires. But all of us need to have the warm embraces and affection from our men. I consider myself a generally faithful gal and have seen my other girlfriends do the same ... it works when you are seeing them at least every few weeks, but when there is a long break you will fall for another. I guarantee many of the gals here who claim to "Love" their BF have been having partners and even serious boyfriends on the side.
Not trying to rain on anyone's parade, but it's the truth.
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I have to say ,if you decide to "wait" someone ,you two have to have same idea of your future life like "where will we stay ,how long will him or her will be here with me ..." if he or she can not give a clear answer ..i have to say do not take it too serious ...you can keep this relationship but do not put many love and time .Seprating in two different places ..i think one year is ok ..but more than one year ..not very good ..really .
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So what do you guys think..
What options do I have, if I want to move to my bf's country? Its sh*tty sometimes to hold a HK passport, that doesnt allow you to work anywhere and everywhere without going thru 50 million papers! Anyone know of any companies that are internationally-friendly? (not just for senior executives)
I dunno if I sounded a bit foolish here..
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If you're a young girl to spend even one year sitting around on the phone is too much. I did it once and never will again.
Yes, it is hard to let go of those you love but you will be amazed how many wonderful people there are around you if you just open your eyes.
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lol.Because you failed ,so you think there are soooooo many wonderful people are around ..if you WIN, you will think in this way: it is worth .it is not necessary to look for a nice person ,because he is here .it is enough.
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Not true, pinkme. I really cared for my long dist bf and I was the one who initiated the breakup because I could see we were both not living life to the fullest. I do not consider that to be failure.
At first I thought there is no way I will find anyone who compares to him. But once I made the effort to meet new men, my life felt whole again. True every man is different and you will never find one identical to your ex, but i am in a wonderful relationship now and very happy with life.
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Everyone is unique.That just means he is not your right person .Not because you keep long distance relationship with him .
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You're not listening, pinkme.
He WAS right for me and I loved him. But it was not possible for us to live in the same place. Letting go was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but we all owe it to ourselves not to live life via phone and internet ...
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why??it is not second world war period
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Like what Barbie is experiencing, we could not find decent employment in each other's countries. And when 25 years old I do not think it is a good idea to completely give up your career unless your partner proposes and you are content to be a housewife.
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What people are thinking is different.some want to give up ,some no.
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My Dear.
I know this proposal letter may come to you as a surprise considering the fact that we have not had any formal acquaintance before. But all the same I would want you for the sake of God to give this an immediate attention in view of the fact that the security of our lives and property is at stake. I am juliette Morrison a 24 years old ,my father Mr.Charles Morrison was a cocoa dealer ,before he was posioned to death by his friends on one of there business engagement and he was one of the biggest dealers in cocoa and my junior brother was 20 years.
Fortunately ,my younger brother and I were on a weekend visit to our home town. As we got the news of the tragedy. We immediately managed to run into hidding here in abidjan. But unfortunately. As fate would have it, we lost our dear mother for a long time now (may her soul rest in peace) as a result of what the Doctor called cardiac arrest Before the death of my father in a private hospital here in abidjan,he called me secretly on his bed side and told me that he deposited the sum of us$18 million in a suspence account in a bank here in abidjan. Please right now, with the bitter experiences we had , we desire seriously to move from here and live the rest of our life into a more peaceful and politically stable country like yours Following the misfortune that has befallen our future, We therefore wish ,you can help us in the following regards:
1. To provide us with a good bank account to transfer the money into.
2. To help us invest the money into a lucrative business.
3. To assist my brother get a college admission to further his education.
4. To assist us in getting residential permits for formal and comfortable stay in your country after the money must have been transferred into the account you will provide.
Please I know that, this letter may sound strange and incredible to you, Therefore for the sake of God and humanity I want you to give an immediate positive consideration willingly agree to offer you suitable percentage of the money you as your compensation for your assistance with regards to the above. I would like you to give this a highly confidential approach.
Best Regards.
Julieete Morrison
please respond to this email address: juliette_morrison@yahoo.com
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Ponder: Hello..i think we are in the same relationship now .My bf is in France and he is also coming back for me.and till now we have already keep 7 months LDR..and yes ..everyday call and mails ..every month letter...But when he told me he would come back for me ,i told him I hope he can also find sth nice to do in shanghai not only me .Because i hope in his life not only me ,he must have to have a plan of his job and his life in shanghai .you think?
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There is a wonderful little sentence which keeps me going, since 11 months, and kept my then 18 year old son going for two years, between 1997 and 99 and he's living happyly with the same girl.
"Distance is for love what wind is for a fire. The weak one goes out, the strong one gets stronger" by Lao Tse
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viva
21 yrs ago
Just broke up with him a month back.
I've had wonderful ex relationships! I am that sort of a person not holding on to sour feelings for too long. And even though these relationships being the best of ones, THEY'VE FAILED. Its very hard to keep up with the distance and other daily necesseties of life, I feel.
Its extremely difficult to cope with everyday chores-exchange. It gets worst when there are misunderstandings and you cant really do much. And this feeling really makes one hate himself specially when he cant do anything about it.
Its depressing to stay apart and WORST when the breakup has to happen over the phone too!
Viva
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My boyfriend is in China and I am in France and we are separated by the distance for more than 5 months and I will seen him in april.
And I have some friends who broke up after only 2 or 3 months and others who have to be far from each other for 3 years.
So you can see that it depends on the couples.
The advise I can give you is keep in touch by mail, phone, msn... send him some packets... but don't harass him... tell him all appart the things that can make him untrust you or doubt of you sincerity or the person with whom you are in relation with everyday...
And when you can go and see him don't hesitate!!!
Chris.
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Elisa
21 yrs ago
I will never believe in long distance relationship! It hurt me badly, like a arrow cross my heart!
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To ones who falling in real love will not be defeated by LDR. If u do love your lover, u will still keeping missing her. on the other hand, she will do as u do.
Trust it for it is true love.
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Anyone interested in forming a group who are in LDR.. it would be interesting to hear some of the experiences.
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Ohh..so many people here are talking about this topic.I think it depends on the couple.My best friend 's bf has been in Germany for one year and my best friend quit her job for him and will go to Germany this April.They keep their relationship very well for one year LDR and they will marry in March .And me..is another example ..i feel i know my bf more and we love each other more because of this LDR.sometimes when you keep long distance,you can see sth between you two more clearly.and my other friends ..some are also experiening it .but if you two have same plan about furture and they plan to live in the same place .LDR is not horrible.
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I agree, its not THAT bad.. just to be nice to have someone to go home and feel close to.
Hey, tell me more about your friend. What will she do in Germany, is her bf German? I am going thru the same thing and I want to go to Germany too, but its not so easy as I dont speak German..yet.
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Barbiequrl,hi,you can add me in your msn list ,yachuan1983@hotmail.com
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Pinkme- Will do so when I get home. Thanks!
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What do you mean check my messages? :(
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I have a LDR and it is hard yes, but if you are not prepared to trust your partner and are not confident in yourself and your partner then it can only go one way. Anyway if you both really want it to work then it will, just a matter of how much you really want it and that is not BS.
As for phone bill, use skype PC2PC it is free or skypeout to call land line or mobile. Should reduce your bills. Ohh yeah never end a conversation with somebody being upset. It is kind of difficult to make it good again when you live 5000 miles from each other.
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tia
21 yrs ago
They can work. They are not perfect and yes, you have to have the mettle to stick it out and make an effort to communicate more.
I just left mine and it sucks. I miss him terribly but I know I will see him again fairly soon.
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Well here is another view from the other side of the world Try staying at home and leting your husband leave you behind and go work overseas. Number one you worry like hell as to what and where he is up to or doing. You worry about women over there getting thier hooks into him, whilst you are here holding the fort. Very little support and compasion Just remember Ladies out there, they do have families back here and their children mean more to them than anything, so, therefore, yes its only going to be either a one night stand or for a few nights and then reality hits home. So excuse the pun "back off china" Sent with all good intentions, of course
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I see so much advice here, but take it from an old, mature and experienced person. There are no guarantees in any relationship. They all have their ups and downs, too close, too far, what is the resulting difference. What any relationship needs is maturity and trust The best advice I saw in this long list, was "stop dissecting it", accept the relationship and stop questioning it. Doubts surface in any relationship. As someone else said above, this is certainly not for everyone, so if you are still immature and experiencing, no relationship will last. I am now going on my second year in one, and I have my moments of doubt also, but he is the love of my life, and the wait is worth it. Anticipation is almost always greater than reality anyway. So enjoy!
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Ok, here I go.... I was dating a guy for 4 and a half years when I decided to come to Asia. I thought it would work, that we could continue our relationship. But it didnt work out. And on Valentines day (out of all the days in the year) we ended our relationship. But on the other hand, my brother has been dating a girl for quite some time, she is living in Japan now while my bro is in HK, and they are happy as ever. I guess it depends on the person. Its working out great for my brother, but not for me.
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Long distance was difficult, but it can work out with hard work and communication. And a willingness to pay huge phone bills and fly for visits frequently...
My fiance and I made it through that to marriage in Beijing together, and it's well worth the wait...
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LDR is tough and difficult! I am experiencing it now.My bf and I knew each other for 8 years and parted 4 year ago.He works in another place and I live in Shanghai.The end of last year,I was considering about break with him since I was almost couldn't stand lonely all time.CNY,he came to my place and stayed for two weeks.We spent a great time and I know we still love each other and he promised me he would come to see me frequently. I don't what will happen in future,just take it as it comes.
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If I get to choose again, I would not want to be in one any more. But it's too late now, I'm so desperately in love with him and don't see anyone else around better than him. I will just have my fingers crossed, wish we can be together soon and have breakfast with him everyday.
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different for everyone. It worked for me. Very happy now. Just be HONEST and patient.
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tia
21 yrs ago
I like Kitty Mok's advice. IN an LDR, sometimes, we need to make more time for our partner, be it through an online chat, a long phone call or a hand-written letter.
I took Pumpkin's advice and sent my partner a pillowmail. www.pillowmail.com Ok, it was not MY writing, but he loved it. Got the sexy little juices flowing anyway.
Now, I am trying to write my own pillowmail to him and I hope it is better than the ones that the website generates.
LDR's can work. They can. any relationship will have ups and downs, even if you are in the same city. Make the most of the time together and never forget to let your partner know how much they mean to you - even if they live in the same house as you!!
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Hugh
21 yrs ago
Best way is to find another Girl from an airline, pretend to love her and just use the terribly cheap tickets she can get you.
One piece of advice don't tell the airline girl where you are you staying when you are in own.
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Are we supposed to take this advice seriously?
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it really depends on the two persons involved in the relationship.if it's really true love then i guess it can work.
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It isn't a true relationship until you are physically together, and know what the person is like in their daily life. Until you live in the same locale for a good length of time, you have not seen them in good times and bad. You do not understand how they react under pressure and stressful situations. The occassional holidays together do not give you a true feeling of who this person is.
The LDR usually only works if both have very busy lives, the girl is a romantic (believes this is the ONE and only), and the guy is too desperate to have success finding a gf at home. At least that's what I've seen with my experiences and my GFs'.
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Agreed, many of us travel a great deal and meet wonderful people all over the world. However, you are kidding yourself if you believe most would be fine committing to a person we rarely, physically see.
It's not about letting it hang out ... it's about seeing someone in their true element. Through phone conversations, emails you only get a tiny glimpse as to who the person is. On holidays together, you are living in a dreamland that does not represent the environment or timelines of your actual life.
I am happy that the LDRs give you satisfaction, Pumpkin. My point is that you do not begin to truly know this person until you are actually WITH your significant other.
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Yep, agree to disagree. Although I do strongly disagree if you really believe you better learn who someone is through something as controlled as a phone or messenger conversation as opposed to true face-to-face relations.
Of course am not saying all people in LDRs meet while on holiday. Am saying once in the LDR, the only times for visits are when one is on holiday or a business trip.
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When my bf and I have problems, we would tell each other over the phone and be as blunt about it as we can. I guess LDR requires more "revealing" than a face-to-face relationship as we cannot see each other. But I think, sometimes even if you are in a face-to-face relationship, many people wouldnt necessarily tell their partners everything anyway! So it all depends on the person, just becuase it didnt work for some, doesnt mean that it wouldnt work for others. And we are trying to make a point, that LDR works for us.
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I already said it definitely does work if you fall into the categories of my earlier post. It worked fine for me for over two years.
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Lots of stories of success and failure here.
Bottom Line - What kind of man wants to go for months and years without physical contact? A) Ones who aren't used to having much in the first place = losers. B) Guys who are truly, deeply in love, and who wank off a lot. C) Guys who are lying to you.
I've had one-sided long distance relationships, but I had girls where I lived. Maybe the girl had boyfriends where she lived too, I neither know nor care.
There is just too much desperation in the whole thing. Like you have such a hard time finding anyone, anywhere, that you must hold onto them no matter what since you can't ever find anyone else.
Obviously, I've got a dim view of the whole "LDR" thing.
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I was in a LDR in 1996, we knew each other for 1.5 months in KL before he moved back to Europe. Didn't see him for a yr plus, contacting each other once a month, relationship based purely on trust and respect, he returned a yr later and we got married in 1998. Relationship was beautiful but we decided to get divorce after 5 yrs. We remain as best friend. Just recently, I'm involved with yet another LDR. I don't know what to expect with this one though. This time it's tougher coz we just saw each other twice, attraction at first sight. I am not a person who falls in love easily, hence only 2 relationships in my life, waiting for that instant attraction....but both are LDR. I even wonder, What did I do in my past life?
Personally, I don't think LDR will work, even now. I hate having LDR. But what I did before and now is just taking a chance. First time it worked, miraculously. The second time, I just let it to fate. I dream of a normal relationship, going home after work to someone, sharing things together...but it never happen to me.
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It's crazy to say that a guy would only be in an LDR because he can't find a g/f at home. For an expat guy living in HK it really is like a smorgasbord.
I've been out with lots of other girls before but I'm in LDR with my g/f for 3 years just because I really wouldn't want to change her for ANY other girl in the world. To me she's better than any girl I could have even dreamed of before I met her.
Just saw her again last weekend and it seems as though we're more in love than ever...
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I met my guy last year while visiting some friends in Norway. After that we maintain a LDR for about 4 mths, he visited me and we talked about our relationship. He is very determined to make it work and I gave up my beloved job to spend some time with him. It's alot of faith n trust. We were married last September n still happily together. I am now currently learning norwegian (quite difficult!!!) and working p/t, hopefully my norwegian will be good enough to look for better job (preferably in school) or restaurant. Just want to say good luck to those on LDR. You must really make en effort.
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Norskcat I suppose you are in Norway at the moment? I think its impressive how you are learning Norwegian!
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tia
21 yrs ago
Am totally with Pumpkin on the agree to disagree thing. I feel that I know my b/f better than some I did live in the same town as, in fact sometimes, the same house as. We TALK bc being this far apart...well, what else can we do?
I totally disagree that man who have LDRs are unable to get a g/f in their home town and are losers. I find that very offensive. Would you say the same for women in a LDR?
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Depends how you definte loser. Maybe needy, dependent, or lack of confidence would be more appropriate terms.
Of course every situation is different. If there is a clear date when the couple will be together, I do not see it as desperate. Otherwise, I think both are wasting their time.
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I agree MollyB, i just ended a 3 1/2 year LDR. It should never be open-ended, there has to be something to look forward to.
Also, my advice to whoever in a LDR is to be honest, patient and try to avoid misunderstandings, they can lead to arguments that just wear off the relationship.
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Pumpkin, I am sorry to interfere, but MollyB described in 3 words my bf when i first met him. When he stopped being needy, dependent and got his confidence (and he owes me all that), problems started..he would tell me that we dont have a normal relationship (back when we first met, it was me telling him that it wouldnt work but he convinced me to keep the relationship long-distance, because "it was true love" and yes i did love him to bits but not sure if he did).
That is why i said before that if it is open-ended it is because one of the two needs it, if there is light at the end of the tunnel then its true love.
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Because, you cant live apart for ever... right?? you have to plan your individual lives so that they overlap at some point, in order to live together, get married, whatever, no?
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Pumpkin, you clearly don't get it ... LDRs are NOT normal relationships. You are not seeing your boyfriend, he is not there to be with you at the of the day, and provide affection. Whether you recognize it or not, you are sacrificing days, months, years of your life to commit to a phone. This is exactly why it is necessary to have a plan to live in the same town.
As for the needy comments, I have seen this first and second hand. I have a girlfriend who was deeply in love with a man in HK, it did not work, and she turned back to a long dist guy because he was needy and she knew she could always get him back. It is a fact that a sane, strong man would not commit to an open-ended LDR.
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tia
21 yrs ago
An LDR can be just as normal as other intown relationships. You mean to tell me that all the men/women who live in the same town as their s/o and are sleeping with everyone else is NORMAL? The relationships where one or both partners are horribly needy and possessive and see each other daily are NORMAL?
I am not committed to a phone. I am committed to a person. No, I do not intend to live apart forever, but at the moment, this is the way it is. No, we have not set a date and that is fine with both of us. We like being together and respect the time apart that we have as well. He may not be with me physically, but he can provide comfort, affection and love in many other ways. In some ways, I feel that our relationship is better than others that I know of who do live together because we have to be honest, open and TALK, rather than just falling into bed every time there is a disagreement, which I admit does not happen very often.
Are you saying I can lie to my b/f bc he lives in another town? That's bullpucky!! Lying, in ANY relationship, will be the death of it.
And as for my b/f being a loser in the dependant, needy, lacking confidence sense, he is definately not that at all. He is incredibly independant, as I am, which is probably the reason that this works for us both. He needs my support and love, which he has unconditionally, but he does not *NEED* me....he *WANTS* me. He is not lacking in confidence and he has possibly more confidence in me than I have in myself at times. He is a strong person, which is why I fell in love with him. I don't date weaklings. Been there, done that, not going there again.
Pumpkin gets it. Totally.
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Tia, I will just quote you for my response.
"And as for my b/f being a loser in the dependant, needy, lacking confidence sense, he is definately not that at all ... He needs my support and love, which he has unconditionally"
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Pumpkin, you have already stated that your two most serious relationships were LDR. Clearly, there is something about you that seeks out this dynamic.
I am not trying to personally attack people, but want girls to be realistic about what the relationship is truly about.
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tia
21 yrs ago
NO, I agree that one would probably not actively seek out an LDR as they can be difficult, but then again, so can every other relationship. But Pumpkin stated it well...you can't help whom you fall in love with and if he/she happens to be not physically with you, that's tough, but it *can* work.
So far, this is one of the best relationships I have had in my adult life.
An LDR in realistic terms is much like an in-house relationship in that one must be open, honest and TALK with their partner.
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1. I am not against LDRs (although it depends at what stage of your life you are in) and of course you cant demand from your partner to arrange your future together after a months time. But i think that after 6 months or so it is something that should be discussed so that both partners know where they are standing.
Not only because as MollyB said you sacrifice hours, days, months of your life on a phone, i had to tell my family and friends that i will not be visiting on weekends and holidays, in order to visit him...
2. In my opinion, what keeps an LDR going is the prospect of actually be together one day.
3. Most importantly, there is a lot to give up in LDRs and just make sure that he appreciates whatever sacrifices you make.
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I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 years. I feel I am a little strange, but I really love my girlfriend. I finally moved from Taiwan to China to be with her, but we still must get her parents acceptance, so we are still apart. Communication is important, I have been loyal so far, but it is difficult. Each time she communicates with me gives me more strength. I am American and she is Chinese...but I still believe we will be together. Every situation is different..but I believe real love can be successful. She has to have it too to make it work.
she's special
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Hei Barbiegurl,
Thx, and yes I am living in Norway now. It's so freaking cold, compare to temp. in Asia. BTW, I was born in Singapore. The culture shock was really very drastic even though I have been travelling alot in Europe. Best of luck to you.
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Oh, another thing Barbiegurl, try to learn German b4 u go there, it will really help alot, since u can get tapes or cds as germam language is quite common. And also get urself a good dictionary.
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Yea, no worries for that, I have been learning the language. How is the job thing going? Is it easy to get a job?
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ah well, I hv been going to school for 5.5mths now, am able to speak simple norsk, understand if others speak slowly, but still a long way off. Got a job p/t as lifeguard at local swimming pool n also helping my friend at her cafeteria sometimes. Its not easy to get job here where I live bcoz its a small community. But I don't want to live in the big cities. I like it here. Quiet and nice. Got a big ski slope just 5 mins walk away from my home, learning to ski too. Also got cabin in the mountains...very nice during the summer. Mountains n lakes n sea within accessible short distance...say 20 mins to 1.5 hrs. I just need a job to fill up the extra time. Of coz its extra money if we need to go on holidays or in case of emergency. But other than that, I feel fine with the present jobs I'm having. No rush in getting other jobs yet. And since I'm married, I can work legally.
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True dat. Sounds like you have a pretty nice life at the moment! I don't really care for huge cities either.. Can u teach Chinese there? I know it sounds kinda silly but in every city there is ALWAYS a demand for chinese-learning.
I would love to do what you do, but I feel like I am too young to settle (having a career break), therefore I guess I have to wait for a bit. :-(
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Thx BG, and BAD news, nobody here wants to learn Chinese. Coz I am the only Chinese living in this remote town and I think I will be better off teaching English. HAHAHA. Kids get to learn german or french in school. English is compulsory. So its better than trying to teach Chinese. And I don't think there r many Chinese people living here, coz its too cold. Most Chinese prefer Western European countries like Germany or France or Italy etc. I'm not suggesting u get married right now, but if he can support u without u working, why not enjoy ur life as it is right now.
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Yea, Norway is definitely not one of the more popular choices for immigration amongst the Chinese.
Yea my bf can support me, but without marriage, its more difficult for me to move to Europe, well simply too much hassle.
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Ive been having a three year LDR where weve been aoart like 8 months or so and i can tell u that the best most loving time we had was when we were apart. i mean its good now but I dunno, the distance either makes u or breaks u. For us it has always been a great test of our love, but u meet that SOMEONE, no matter where they are, how can one walk away from it? It's all a (character)great test.
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tia
21 yrs ago
Well said Skinny! Connection is everything. Despite mine being XXX miles away, I have never felt such an amazing connection to another human being of the opposite sex.
Baoluopaul: Exactly! If you have met "THE SOMEONE" distance is nothing...sure, it's tough. Sure, lack of sex sucks...but hey...we all make sacrifices for relationships.
3 weeks til I see mine. Yummmm!
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It's hard to do it. I think that I am failed. My bf is a french and busy working man, at first few months, he was flying over to Hk twice a week and phoned me every morning & evening. But later on, not flying over and no phone call (sometimes disconnected). Till to now, he talked fewer and fewer, I think that he is lost the interest on keeping a LDR. Even I asked him what happen, he said nothing. My feelings is time to dump him.
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It's hard to do it. I think that I am failed. My bf is a french and busy working man, at first few months, he was flying over to Hk twice a week and phoned me every morning & evening. But later on, not flying over and no phone call (sometimes disconnected). Till to now, he talked fewer and fewer, I think that he is lost the interest on keeping a LDR. Even I asked him what happen, he said nothing. My feelings is time to dump him.
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tia
21 yrs ago
Like any relationship, if they are not communicating, not committing or just generally treating you poorly, yes, by all means get the hell out! Do not stay with someone who makes you doubt yourself and does not put you first.
Open relationships? BAH! What a load of crap. I have *heard* of people having those and I think it is a nice of saying they like the security of a g/f but the right to screw everything that moves. Not for me, thanks.
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It happened to me yesterday!! just broke up.. Long distance relationship simple don't work. We only wish that we can be in a different condition, that's all..
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i am in the same situation. i am in shanghai ,he is in hk. long distance relationshop is so hard for me to endure . only few days we could stay with each other once a month or one and a half month .i am in blue. my friend told me ,if he gives u happy ,grasp and cherish him ,if only he could give u is sad or blue ,pls give hime up.:(
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i am in the same situation. i am in shanghai ,he is in hk. long distance relationshop is so hard for me to endure . only few days we could stay with each other once a month or one and a half month .i am in blue. my friend told me ,if he gives u happy ,grasp and cherish him ,if only he could give u is sad or blue ,pls give hime up.:(
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Did LDR myself for a bit over 5 years (1998-2003). Across many countries and different continents. Was sooo hard, but all worth it. We got married over a year ago and today we still miss each other like mad even at work! Lots of communication, understanding, and trust are needed. My husband never doubted, never gave up. He's simple like a child, so faithful, so crazy, and never ever thought "it couldn't work". So, stop thinking "it'd never work," or, "it's too hard." He was always happy even just calling me. And be happy whenever you can see each other. Most of my LDR years, we only saw each other twice a year. I think some physical distance helps to bring two hearts even closer at times. It's hard, but possible. Have faith. And use the technology available these days to aid communication!
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k.lin
21 yrs ago
Rebecca,sounds like you are one very fortunate and happy woman,who is very positive as well! Good for you!
I am also currently engaged in a LDR and it has been more than a year since my bf went back to UK for good while i am still in Singapore. We are still together but i have got to admit that it was really tough for the both of us when he first left and honestly, i never believe in LDR previously and i never thought that the LDR was going to sustain for long. It took alot of perseverance(P), determination(D),discipline(D), faith(F) and trust(T) for both parties in order to make this LDR possible. I do agree to a certain extent to the old saying whereby "Absence make the heart grows fonder" and that is where "PDDFT" plays an important role in this case. If both parties put in effort to keep the LDR going, nothing is impossible!
Fortunately for me, my long wait is finally paid off - we discussed about our future and plans when he last visited me and hence i am going to UK for good 3 weeks later! So, i would like to advise those people who are engaged in a LDR currently, hang on there and good luck!
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Hey k.lin>> are you getting married with your man or did you land a job there?
Either way, congrats!!!!
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k.lin
21 yrs ago
Thanks Barbie!I will be getting engaged first and then get married during summer in UK. Haven't got a job yet as i intend to rest for a couple of months before i look for a job! :)
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tolly
21 yrs ago
I am thinking of entering into a LDR with a guy. How does it work? Do you separate your love for your partner and have physical relationships with persons close by or do you just correspond and try to visit each other when the situation arises and keep the physical side just for your partner?
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well, i think the most important thing is that if you two loved each other enough to make sacrifices and wait. I am in a long distance relationship for almost a year now and i have only spent 6 weeks with my boyfriend for the past year and it was the best time of my life. We speak to each other on the fone or msn everyday. yes, everyday. and mostly during weekends, he will stay in to speak 2 me with his webcam on. We also play games together online, or shop together online. He also writes me love poems/songs about once a week or so. So basically th most important thing is. if the love is strong enough, it will survive the relationship. it just depends if you two are willing to work hard. At the moment i am just working to save up a little bit and hes finding a better paying job, and once we achieved those goals, i will be going to England for 6 months for a long holiday and then we may get married. :)
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congrats k.lin, glad to hear tht ur LDR works...mine too...well..actually i met my hubby when i was visiting some friends n he decide to spend some weeks with me, it was hard when he finished his holidays n has to leave, but we kept in touch thru MSN, we make appointments for next meetings, n then we make plans for our future. We didn't hv to wait too long to be together again, we were counting the days everytime we met on MSN. It was so hard! I finally decide to quit my job, find replacements, n got rid of all my stuffs!..n I move to Norway. We were married last Sept. n this Sept, we r hving holidays in Singapore, our first anniversary together.
And good luck to you too cordeeelia, enjoy urself in UK.
And to those in LDR, best of luck!
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k.lin
21 yrs ago
Thanks norskcat, best of luck to you as well.
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rats
21 yrs ago
good for you pumpkin. mine (LDR) just start :(
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tia
21 yrs ago
Well, Pumpkin, we shall have to get together to compare stories. I leave in 3 days as well. So thrilled....as is he. Honestly, he's like a kid at Xmas. :) Love it.
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[quote='gpz']
Looking for advise from woman who have either been in or are currently in long distance relationships. What does it take to make them work.
[/quote]
it takes contact. make sure you keep contact: phone calls, email...visits.
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it takes contact, permanent contact. make sure you call each other and email and...why not visits?
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for pumpkin: yeah dirty talk, true, it really works! dirty conv over the phone are the best! i tried it myself and ..it is good!
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i do beleive they HAVE to work otherwise i would lose my mind. i love my bf and can not imagine our r-ship would finish because of the distance. it MUST go on! don't lose confidence tenq
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B_2
21 yrs ago
it works with love, luck and trust. Been in one for years, so there is hope
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trust... is so hard when your bf is a good lookinh man. i live in permanent fear that one day he will just ..meet someone else, locally and get drunk..and yeah, all the rest. i trust him , but don't trust whoever is around him
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rats
21 yrs ago
May i ask you all a quesiton?
How long should a LDR last before the two end up with a happy ending and stay together at the same place?? What is the bottom line?
Thanks!
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rats> It’s difficult to set a “time frame” on a LDR because everyone has a different agenda. My current LDR requires me to wait 2 years before I can be with my boyfriend (he’s in the U.S. and I’m here in HK) because a) I’m paying my dues career-wise b) my boyfriend’s going back to school (he’s only got out of military recently) and it’ll be a year or so before he can start working.
I think it’s possible for a LDR to work even if you and your partner have separate things going on (like me and my boyfriend). The important is that at the end of the day you share one common goal: to reunite in the foreseeable future and have actually made solid plans to make it happen - even if it means one of you has to make some sort of “sacrifice”. Everyone has a different answer to “how long is too long?” - some say that 3 months is too much to bear, while some are willing to spend 5+ years to make a LDR work because they honestly believe that some things are meant to be (and worth waiting for).
Bottom line: LDR is no different than a normal relationship (minus the obvious geographical barrier) in a sense that complete trust and honesty are crucial. They can make or break your relationship so it’s important that you practice both wisely. You should also learn to trust your instincts – if you feel that the relationship is going nowhere, or that the other person isn’t right for you, you’re probably right.
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rats
21 yrs ago
BarefootChrissy,thank you very much for your advice, very well-said!
Have a LDR that began with acrossing countries for 2 years, then was lucky enough to spend 5 months together, and now we are across continents! That's harsh to handle sometimes...
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you know, after reading a lot of these posts i have to agree on a lot of what is being said about trust and talking daily. My fiance lives in HK and I live in Japan. I was married before and now divorced because of my not having any trust or communication. Well that is a really long story on that.
Anyway, i knew from the moment i met her that i was going to see her no matter what i had to do. Im moving to HK this december just to be there with her. It really does help that we always find ways to see each other as often as we can. The longest we had to be apart was 4 months.
Sometimes people just know that they are meant to be together.
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lucix
21 yrs ago
hi, it's the first time i post in here but i do have and LDR that works, don't know how but it works.i am in crazy love for an HK woman and luckly she as well fo me, but i live in eu and i am there for biz every 2 3 months for some days.it becames harder and harder each time i leave i die a bit.do not know if it is the right place,if not i apologise ,but if anyone knows about someone looking for a eu senior buyer in HK or somewhere close pls let me know. i want to move down there, i miss her too much!!! i am looking on the usual channel as well but advise/help welcome!!
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well .as we all know the word faith exists in the dictionay ...then you will be able to keep a long distance realationship if it is really worth but i personal believe that you must be a real good mind reader so that you will absoutely know what is going on in the other side by reading his words,everything can be worked out by two warm-hearted person whom i believe you are ...
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@ lucix
I have a friend who works for a big French company. They've been setting up a purchasing department here in SH and he's one of the managers. It's in SH, so am not sure if you're interested. If yes, I'll ask him.
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lucix
21 yrs ago
@2350318839
Thank you!!
I just sent you message
I am interested, it would become a "ShorterDR" which would be much better than now!!
look forward to hear from you
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Well, decided to post my reply as well) I think that Long Distance Relations are possible but only when both want to achieve this "being together" status in the end. You shouldn't only give or only take, the main thing is to PARTICIPATE. And this is what makes long distance short. I had LDR in my life, and everything is over, because in my opinion my b/f didn't try much. Of course, everything was great and I don't complain about, especially that I matured a lot due to this, but... of course there are still buts and ifs.
Remember, main thing is to participate, and not just take what you are given.
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Like most of the replies mentioned ... it requires a lot of effort (mail, phones, sms, chats, visits, etc) but it never last long. The longest LDR I had was 2 1/2 years and in between I still go on dates (that was when I was only 20 though). My fiance and I, the frist time around, only lasted 1/2 year cuz of the distance and we broke up. The second time around, he moved here (HK) so we give it our best shot and we worked out great. LDRs could only be for short term like if one is getting an MBA or something but not for long. One party must move to make it happen :)
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MayC
21 yrs ago
I think it really depends on HOW much BOTH of you want to to be together. My ex and I were on a LDR - I was in Sydney and he was in M'sia. Although we were together physically in Sydney for 3 years, deep down, I didn't feel that he was the right one. When my husband came along, I knew he was the right one for me so I flew to M'sia to say my goodbye to my ex boyfriend. I went into another LDR with my husband. Mind you, when I first met my husband, I felt he was the right one for me but I rejected him for 1.5 years because I didn't want to hurt my ex. When my husband finally left Sydney to work in HK, I was crushed and it was then that I knew I didn't love my ex. My husband and I were in a LDR for 3 years before we got married. Being apart for so long was tough. You know that you have someone but you still lead a single life when you're apart.... but our love was really strong considering what we went through. He was willing to wait 1.5 years before we actually went out... and in 3 years he continued to wait. I too thought that the wait was worth it because I was just so in love with him.
We are entering our fourth year of marriage. We had a blissful four years but I'm a bit angry at him lately because he's not helping with our baby. I have to give him credit for trying to make up with me everyday though but he's still not helping with baby.....
There are ups and downs in our marriage but we are still deeply in love. I'm so glad I waited and made the choice that I made.
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Congratulations to all who made it and have happy ending:-).
It didnt worked for me:-(...the distance was just awful..and we both became impatient, so we fought a lot instead of making ammends:-(...oh well, we were both young and no one wants to compromise...so bottomline, it works for others, and not for others. Maybe, it depends how patient both parites are, and the maturity level is important too I suppose.
Best wishes to all who are in LDR and Im happy for those that found happy ending:-).
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Hello I am from united states I met this girl she lives in beijing, we have talked for three years now and we love each other very much. We have met several times now and want to marry with each other. Only two problems I must find good job in china (Beijing), and she is married with child. We both want to be with each other but sometimes she is confused how to do. Can anyone give us advise, we talk everyday send email to each other everyday, we miss each other soo much. Any response would be helpfull
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I'm sorry, but she is married and you want to marry her?
Please explain this situation.
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Yes that seems to be an odd situation. But it is something like the situation that i'm in now. Been in a very strong LDR for 3 years with my g/f who lives in the provinces in Philippines. Had relationships with lots of girls before but never known one anything like her. Problem is i'm married and don't want to break it and she doesn't want me to do that either. But now we're thinking of having a wedding in Philippines, will be the full deal with 300-400 guests and all the paperwork which can be arranged for a price in PI. Seems a crazy thing to do, but on the other hand just want to do it to show how we feel about each other.
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Gatlinburg asked:
"Can anyone give us advise..."
This isn't US English. Americans use "advice" for the noun. Are you sure you are from the US? Or is this a local troll posting?
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why dont you want to divorce your current wife, Economist? At least both of you can lead happier lives separately.
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3 years you talk with her, she lives in provinces in philippines. Economist you are married you do not want to leave your wife and philippines does not want you to leave your wife. How can you leave her. How can you plan wedding? Where do you live Economist?
Yes I spell advice wrong but I am american maybe I spell many words wrong. Local troll posting? stinkerbelle? what does this mean?
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3 years you talk with her, she lives in provinces in philippines. Economist you are married you do not want to leave your wife and philippines does not want you to leave your wife. How can you leave her. How can you plan wedding? Where do you live Economist?
Yes I spell advice wrong but I am american maybe I spell many words wrong. Local troll posting? stinkerbelle? what does this mean?
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G > I've been living in Hong Kong for many years. I never dreamed I would get myself into this sort of situation and it can't really be explained in a few words...a lot of it is also kinda personal and i don't want to put it on here. I just saw the other post above about the same thing. But for sure it is a no-win situation and I'm still trying to find some ok way to resolve it...
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i think keeping the long term relationship is very difficult, there are so many fishes out there.. and unless you both have strong feelings for each other, contact everyday.. email..etc.etc..otherwise i dont think it works..
and your mate can lie to you that she is not seeing anyone..but how do you know because you are so distance from her??
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tia
21 yrs ago
Coolgirl - every relationship is about trust. LDR or in town, he could cheat no matter what. It is not limited to LDRs. Perhaps easier, but not limited. The thoughts can creep in anytime.
Pumpkin is right (as she often is) about men not liking clingy women. Damn, she is a smart woman, that one.
I know that my b/f is out at the music clubs each weekend. It is his thing...wierd indie bands and music. I know that. I also know that he is faithful because I feel it in my heart and soul. And because he knows that, the LAST thing he will do is anything silly to destroy the trust I have in him. I am also out most weekend nights here, with the gals. He knows this, he trusts me - partly bc I tell him everything and we have a good laugh about it all afterwards.
You'll know if it is right..Long distance or not.
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3 years in this LDR and just spent 8 days visiting my girl's home and travelling with her. It's a new experience for me to be in a relationship that gets more intoxicating the longer it goes...
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tia
21 yrs ago
"that gets more intoxicating the longer it goes..."
Lovely thing to say Economist.
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My boyfriend and I have been in LDR for 6 years now...I'm in Shanghai and he's in Gothenburg; all the way from university...6 years already!! I still remember the first time when he visited me in Shanghai (for 2 weeks)..it's still something sweet and fresh in our mind.
During these 6 years, we used every possible means to keep in touch. He also came to Shanghai for several times. I took two vacations last year to visit him in Sweden. And next time it's his turn to come down to Shanghai. With only two calls/MSN for each week, everytime when we talk and meet each other, we're so happy to be together in one time and space.
The more we stay together, although LDR, the more we love each other. Because he trusts me, and vice versa.
6 years up is a very long time for LDR couple. But if you two can hold on with each other and grow up together... You'll got it someday. As long as both of you are sure whether s/he is the Ms/r. Right.
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LDR may have some side effects on my bf and I. We also dine out with our own friends in the cities where we live right now, but somehow we just don't enjoy it fully as if something is missed. Always miss the time we spent with each other and wish the other party can be right there...
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qatlinburg,
why r u trying to break up someone else's marriage? why do u hv to find a married woman?
economist,
wht's wrong with ur wife? why do u cheat on her?
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Economist,
Most Filipinos r christian, so u r commiting a bigamy if you r marrying in Philippines. Only muslims can have 4 wives legally, so unless both of u are muslims, then u can marry without divorcing the first wife.
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Ive heard a story today...the guy have two wives and the first wife sued him for bigamy in the Philippines... hope ur first wife wont sue you both and your second wife to be economist...just a thought!
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back to the LD topic. does it a matter how long they've been together b4 they start LD ? like, if the couple already been together for at least a year would be easier to cope with LD ? I just met a guy months and a half ago and we now on LD. In this case would it be more difficult for LD ??
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I met my BF 3 and half years ago in Germany. 1 year ago I had to come back to SH. After that I saw him once during my business trip to Germany and he came to visit me and my parents this Spring Festival. He decided to come to SH and then build a serious couple with me.
Happy to hear that although maybe it will never come true. Until today I cannot believe it because I had bad experienced of working and living in another country. But I trust his determination.
He calls me twice a week regularly. Maily about our respective lives. I wanted to talk more about his progress in searching for a job here and the plan for our future. He was sensitive about this topic and accused me of pushing him too much.
Frankly speaking, I don't enjoy LDR at all. But I decided to wait because I am clear that I still love him despite the distance. I feel the same from his side.
I trust him and his capacity and don't think too much - so makes the life easier.
I think for LDR peolple, pressure maily comes from the body and surrounding friends.
I can't wait that day to come when he comes and we can work and live in the same city. I will remember what he has done for us!
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Yes, colleagues and friends around me who are not aware of my story hurry me to find a BF, and friends who knows the whole story couldn't give me valuable advices because they never had experiencs with cross-boarder relations.
In my culture a 26-old girl should certainly think of marrige. But it seems this has to be delayed.He was just 25. And I am afraid that he is not ready to commit. I think it's wise to talk about the long-term commitment after he comes. Any advices?
When I feel suffering, I keep it for myself. Because I know their advices are too far from what I expect. I have to depend on my own strong will. My job is quite challenging now, it's better to focuse on the work, so 6-month time will go faster.
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Really happy and cheerful to read those successful cases! Before more LDR worked out. But now people, especially young girls at my age in my city tend to think more about themselves, count what to lose before what to contribute.
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my boy-friend's best friend is his ex-galfriend.(they tell each other everything. yes, I mean every singel little things thought e-mails and text msg) He once told me he loves her as a sister and I shouldn't be jealous. well, am just a woman. of coz I am jealous. But since she's working in other country as well. so, kind of ok at that point.
couple of days ago I had a dream he was holding other gal's hand and that was her (we havn't talk about her for a while). Funny thing is, he just told me she is coming home for good in two days. well, and I'm thousand miles away. am very upset with this news.
He told me he going way to see a friend in other town next weekend. and I know that's her.
Am I over reacted? or should I papare for the worst?
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well, we had a talk last night. there's simply nothing we can do about. she's his best friend and I'm only with him for 2 months. that's no chance he would be see her when she's in town.
totally understand there's nothing wrong to have a ex be ur best friend. At the begaining he talk about her all the time. after I told him I don't feel comfortable. He doesn't do that anymore.
Yeap, thought upset me. also I know he like flirting. that's thing really upset me about. He admit it and also told me there's nothing to worry about and not going to change anything. (well, eventhough he say so I would believe it either. coz everybody know that's in ur blood if u like to do that)
What really upset me was. If I could get upset by thing like this. is that means I don't trust him? If so, how can I hang on to a relationship like this. special his so far away. plus, I'm 31 and he's only 25.
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Beanbag, I have similar experience as you have. My bf also has a very close female friend whom he used to like during high school. But that was old story years back now. They also talk a lot if there're chances (through phones, sms/msn). My bf told me he only takes her as a sister now.
I met her once or twice when I visited my bf in their country. However I still can remember the feeling of jealous even though there's really nothing in between of them. Just the thought of "he used to like her" makes me feel uncomfortable. The only thing I can do now is just to ignore it. And hold him tight. Fortunately my bf is sticking on me instead of anyone else. We've had the LDR for 6 years...if there's something gonna happen, it should've happened long time ago.
Besides, LDR costs time, passion, energy, strong will and money (flight tickets, gifts, and mailing packages)... So, Beanbag, just use your instinct on your relationship with him. Women's instincts are usually correct on "whether he has a real heart or not".
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Thanks for the replies and advice. yes, he does has the real heart. how should I put it. maybe coz I had too many bad relatioship b4... well, can't even put them as relationship. Just keep dating with guys who have no heart. Guess this just another big city thing. too many guys but too less heart. and yes, those expreiences makes me lossing trust in guys. My boyfriend is really sweet and did touch my heart for what he done to me. However, I always told myself he's a sweet person and I'm just another gal he's been nice to. just don't want to be disappointed again.
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hbrez
21 yrs ago
I am currently in a long distance relationship and have been for 9 months. My situation is a little different...he is my husband. Early in our relationship (3 months into it), I moved to Pittsburgh, PA to live with him. He proposed to me two weeks later. We were married one year to the day of our first date. Six months later, he joined the Navy, went to boot camp, and then went to South Carolina for 18 months of training. Although we are only 800 miles away, it is still long distance. Because of his training schedule and my work schedule, we have seen each other 3 times in the past 9 months. I am beginning a doctorate program next summer. Once I have graduated, 4 years from now, I will be marketable enough to work wherever he is stationed. Until then, we will continue to see each other 4-5 times a year. We celebrated our one year wedding anniversary when he was home July 1. I trust him wholly, even though we have only been toghether two years, and I know he trusts me equally. We talk every day, and that helps a great deal.
While he was home this month, we tried to conceive and I will know whether or not I am pregnant by next week. If I am, any advice on how to deal with a long distance relationship that involves a pregnancy? My biggest fear is going through the doctor visits, etc....and especially giving birth alone; I don't know if he will be able to get leave to come home. I know it is probably going to be more difficult for him, not being able to see the changes in me and our family.
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hb..if u r pregnant, try to spend more time with ur family or friends, they will be able to help u thru the difficult times...first pregnancy is always scary...u hv nothing to fear going to the doc, its just a routine chk up...u only go once a month...until u r almost due...which will be 9 mths later...ur doc will be able to advise u on ur due date, so let ur hubby knows n see if he can manage to get leave around tht date. u can always take pics of urself during the months n send them to ur hubby or u can make a scrapebook about all tht have happened during ur pregnancy, tht way he will be informed.
Good luck.
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you will NOT believe this story. my ex and i did long dist between LA and NYC for several years. it was really good, never had any probs and talked about marriage. both of us decided to go to shanghai together, though he would go two months before me because my company needed me in the states. he couldnt find a darn job in SH if his life depended on it, so my relative did me a favor and got him an internship at a prestigious firm. he goes there, parties it up everyday and completely forgets about me. i fly thousands of miles to visit him in SH and he breaks up, saying that he needs to time to be alone. then he goes around parading several girls on his arm everywhere. talk about ungrateful. i am utterly heartbroken and will probably never trust or love again.
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i think, it depends on what kind of person the both are.
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frankly, i have been in one, it really depends on the culture or the person's upbringing. his parents objected to it thinking that it was too hard for both of us, and that no one will support or give us their blessings. sometimes is not so simple , does not involved just two of you. anyway, since you have decided on the decision, you should not brood over it. and i hope you are feeling better, coz i understand how it feels.
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Lucky you, Pumpkin. Just spent two weeks with him (after not having seen him for three months) and got back a week ago. It's always tough the first few days, but we had the best time together!
We went out for 2 months, when he was here. After that he had to go back to Europe, and we have been doing this LDR since January.
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hello, darling
i like the way you move...i like the way you are....
i'm italian, i live in Milano.
Are you a chinese girl living in Milano?
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I am also in an LDR and it is tough work, sometimes I feel I have two jobs. But the thought of being without my boy is worse than just being apart from him. We have had an LDR for three years and he comes over here to Shanghai about every three or four months. I agree with the post that said it is all about faith, trust and hope. He is trying to get a job over here but I feel this huge responsibility that he is doing this for me. So I have been taking things slowly so that I know that there are many reasons why this is the right thing for him to do.
I think that LDR love is stronger and we both say that if we can get through this we can get through anything.. It is good reading this thread and it definitey makes me miss and appreciate my guy.
I agree with the touchy feely comment too, one got a little too friendly with me in a bar... is there something in the water??
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hey , twopence
things are not as smooth as you think , sometimes
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Pumpkin & Trapezeartist... there I thought I was having a tough time...
I now see that I should count myself lucky, having had two weeks with him after those three months (which has been the longest we have been apart so far).
I agree with both of you that LDRs are stronger and that it is rewarding if you can make it work.
Having this distance between us making this relationship not quite as easy as a "normal" one, makes us value eachother, and the time we have together, much more.
Twopence, I think the least of people actually choose to have a LDR. It just happens that you fall in love with a person who does not live in the same city/country. The fact that my boyfriend is willing to go through the same trouble and pain as I am, just to be with me, is a nice feeling. As for the job factor, I don't think it is a good idea to just give up your job/life and drop everything to follow someone. I am not saying that I will never do it, it's just not that simple. It takes time...
Pumpkin, one day down, only two more to go! Have a great time with your man!
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tia
21 yrs ago
Hey all.
RolyPoly, lucky you!! I am lucky if I see the b/f once every 3 or 4 months. True, it is for longer than some people (Pumpkin) but it never seems to be enough. The last one was ROUGH. I have been sad when we part, but this time, I was a sobbing mess on the bus back home from the airport. Poor Pumpkin had to console me.
Youdo value the time together, but at times, it can make it more pressured to make sure that you are making the most of every minute. I saw him once for a mere 48 hours. The first 24 were great...and then...well, we knew I was leaving and it was more tense. I hated it. I am doing another 48 hours trip in October, which I hope goes better than the last one.
All in all, I am very happy with the boy. He is wonderful, he loves me for who I am and I have never trusted anyone I have dated more than I trust him.
I recently signed a new 2 year contract here in HK. After that...if we are still together, perhaps, someone will make a move.I am certain we will survive it, but I am cautious.
Question:
Do you ever think that the relationship would not work as well if you were face to face all the time, that having spent this time apart, having such separate lives, would be hard to consolidate together? I find myself thinking that ALL THE TIME. (pessimist or realist, I am not sure)
Pumpkin, you lucky girl, have a FABULOUS time with the man and say HI for me. *jealous*
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Im a male in a LDR with a female in Asia - but still a 3 hour flight away. Its very hard being apart from each other when all you want to do is being together. Trust is the most important thing. I guess she has more to worry about due to HK's nightlife and reputation, but I feel that if its worth anything, then you will do everything to make it work. Lots of calls, letters and small parcels every so often also help...and I just sent my gf a web cam and microphone to make the evenings even easier on us both! And the phone bills!!!
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Tia, I know EXACTLY what you mean! Everytime we see eachother, I also start feeling agitated and nervous after half-time's over. Luckily my boyfriend is not as bad and manages to take my mind off this...
On the other hand, it is he who worries about what will happen when we finally do live in the same place. I understand his point, but at the same time it makes me sad, because I don't really want to hear this. I want to hear/know that there will be some kind of a happy end to these hard times we are going through now.
I think if you take it step by step, it should work. If I really move to his country someday, I have told him that I would like to have my own place first, instead of living together right away. i think it is important not to go from one extreme to the other. Expectations might be too high and one will be dissappointed that the "happily ever after" isn't that happy after all, when everyday life and problems catch up with you.
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tia
21 yrs ago
I hear ya Roly!!
I have said on more than one occasion to the b/f that I will not move SOLEY for him. I need to have a job and the rest lined up. Yes, I love him, but I am practical. I have a nice job here in HK. I have always been working and I enjoy having the financial freedom. I could never rely on a man to take care of me.
I think that him airing his concerns is a good thing. If he kept them in and festered over them ,he may be more reluctant to have you move and you would not know why. I have told the b/f this is my concern and in a way, he shares it as well. I believe that sharing concerns, as well as the love, will help you have the happy ending.
I am glad that your man can make you happy enough to forget that you are leaving at the 1/2 way mark. Oddly, when mine was here in HK, we were PERFECTLY fine...I think it was the short visit and thinking we had to cram all this stuff into a 48 hour visit. It is not like it is the last time I will see him. In 6 weeks, I am going there for another short trip. I am hoping that I can relax enough to make it better than last time.
Swimming Si:
Nice to have a man's perspective. As for the HK nightlife, if she trusts/loves you and vice versa, it will all be great.
WEB CAMS ROCK!!! I sent the b/f one as well. It's fun.... ;-) *ah-hem*
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this thing happened to me too, he back USA in July but i am shanghai. I dont know what will happen in future. We did many plan before when we together,( we live together one year,) and he told me he will help to give me visa to visit him. I know it will be hard to keep the long distance relationship, i am scared to lose him. He just start his business and will be in a hard time for all specially money thing. He got my words that i will pay the flight for him if he come , but he told me it will be long long time to wait for a person, and he told me to out and have fun, and he will happy if i can meet other good man....What mean? He gave in?
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tia
21 yrs ago
CG - yes it is a bit annoying after a while. Used only on special occaisons.
FOTH - although I never thought of that possible problem, I have faith that it will not happen. Plus, revenge is a bitch.
Pumpkin - I am glad you had a great time with the man this past weekend. 5 more to go for me!
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Rut
21 yrs ago
I think love, respect and a lot of pacience. If you really love each other it can work. I have a long distance realtionship since more than 3 years. At the beginning we had lot of missunderstandings but now we are a bit older 28 and 29 and it works. I also lerned that is not necesary to tell all what I do..I mean that sometimes is better not to say you had a funny weekend with some italian friends or something like that cause that let feel your friend bad and gelous. So be very very care what you say and how you say it.
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tia
21 yrs ago
I tend to agree that they need not know EVERYTHING, but I enjoying sharing the silly details of weekend and daily stuff with G. No, I do not TELL ALL (a girl needs some secrets) but it is good to be honest.
COngrats Rut on making it work for 3 years.
9 days to go..... :)
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I tend to tell him EVERYTHING. Even if I don't plan to, it just comes out at some point. And he's thankful for it, as it makes him feel closer to me.
Tia, 9 days will pass so quickly!
Only 18 1/2 hours to go
:o)
Yey yey yey!!
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zett
21 yrs ago
hi everyone!! came across this website when trying to get some advice on LDR..i stayed in London for a year with bf and now im in kuala lumpur and he's in germany. And this sept it's been a year we've been apart..and suddenly i feel so helpless & just going crazy with this LDR!!we see each other every 3 months,we talk on the phone every f*cking single day, we chat with the webcam on..but this LDR's really frustrating coz u literally dont spend anytime with ur partner!!i just feel so sad and hopeless now, i feel like quitting but i feel it's so cowardly too for me to do that..i love him so much and he too!but this pain is so great that i'd rather finish it all then live this nightmare for another day. HELP!
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Zett, do you an your boyfriend have plans to live in one place at some point?
I think that would help a lot.
I know it can be soo frustrating sometimes, but don't give up.
Try to keep yourself busy. I do that to, am very busy at work, always out with friends. I hardly ever spend any time alone.
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tia
21 yrs ago
Zett:
Roly has a good point. Being busy helps a lot. At times, I lament being so busy at weekends and the like, but it helps me forget that I am missing time with the one person I really want to be with. NOT that I do not want to spend time with my friends here (for those of you reading), but you can't give me what I miss most at the moment. *ah-hem*
Zett, you had some good time together before hand, which is a nice bonus. You see each other every 3 months, which is good and regular. You talk daily. Focus on all that is good in the LDR and try your best to make the time go quickly.
We're here for ya...and we understand the pain. Honestly...we do.
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zett
21 yrs ago
wow..it's great to get all this support from u guys!!and the fact u guys know how i feel makes me have hope that it can work out if i stay strong!
hi roly poly (by the way i like u nickname*wink*)..yah me and my bf have plans to stay together..but we're stuck apart for another year or so due to our commitments..but mine's a lil bit flexible so i can move away and stay with him..but my thoughts are the same as tia's..i wont move till i have a job offer there coz i dont want to live off him..but the thing is..i LOVE my job here in kuala lumpur! and tia..ur rite too about being busy, i know it sounds pathetic..but a lot of times i purposely stay back late at the office to keep myself busy rather than going home to an empty bed (yeah pumpkin, i miss rolling around in bed and seeing him..instead of this mr bean bear i have now!!) Maybe ur rite tia, i should always focus on the good stuff that we have between us (and try hard to ignore the distance part..but that's the worse bit!)
shucks..this LDR is really depressing sometimes..but i just had a talk with my bf last nite and we're gonna talk it over this weekend..but u know what, at least i know i've got company here where everyone's bf is away so we can have our own girlie talk!
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tia
21 yrs ago
it is always good to have people in the same boat...even it is a rather sad little boat at times. We all miss the physical comforts the b/f provide but I think sometimes we have a strong bond than other relationships because we have no CHOICE but to talk to them. We can't solve problems with sex or slamming out of the apartment. We HAVE to talk if we want it to get stronger.
The fact that you CAN talk to him about the issues is a great sign. I love that darling b/f and I are on the same miserable page about the state of our relationship. We lament the time apart,but we don't let it stop the relationship from developping and discussing future plans. (I'm a GREAT planner). This gives me something to look forward to (him too) and give us both something to work towards together.
Zett, I too am torn between leaving HK, which I love, and moving to be with him, whom I also love. Tough choices...but I Know when the time comes, whatever I do will be the right one.
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LNC
21 yrs ago
i have boyfriend from uk and am very much happy because our relationships are very strong until now, we are 2 mos. now although its newly but we have trust to each other and also have communication... so if you have LDR you need is to trust him and have communication.... am very thankful to GOD that i met him...
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Haven't come here for quite a while! Tia Pumpkin and RolyPoly, you all share my experience and opinion in a very similar way.
It's true that keeping yourself busy with work will make the time flies quicker. I had an incredibly hectic month in September, and was planing to go to visit my BF in the end of October. Now the trip is one more week postponed. It makes no difference to me though. I will have enough time to prepare for Visa application.
Everytime before I fly off to my BF, it was so exciting and happy with a little bit nervouse for flying alone. But yes, VERY TRUE, usually from the second week on when I'm with my BF, I start to get sentimental and gloomy for leaving him again.
There's a word easy to say but difficult to do "why to worry if it doesn't help". So this time when I see my BF in the coming November, we'll just enjoy the time as much as possible. Two weeks is a long time, but how damn short it is when we're together!
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tia
21 yrs ago
2 weeks is a nice amount of time. I'm happy for you, Northeurose.
I find I spend SO much time waiting to be with him and then when I am...the time just zooms by. Seems highly unfair.
3 more days. I only have 3 days with him, but I'll take it over BOB anyday. :)
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Hi everyone, I'm new here ... have been in an LDR for 3 months now & it's frustrating when chat is sometimes not working and bad phone lines. My problem is that he does not like communicating via email and I long so very much to hear from him everyday. Not just stilted chats & infrequent phone calls. Any advice?
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tia
20 yrs ago
If you have a good internet connection, a microphone and a cam, that is a good way as well. MSN works well. I have yet to venture into SKYPE territory, but I hear good things....
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Thanks gals. Problem is, he is a phone person and needs to hear my voice to keep it real. We've tried Skype but same problem with poor connection. It's so frustrating but I guess I should be happy because I am seeing him in 2 weeks after 3 whole months of being apart! As the days draw closer, I find it hard to do anything! lol I've never been in an LDR b4 ... is it normal to be so unfocused? What should I do to stay sane?
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LOL! Girl, I am doing exactly that. Keeping busy working out, sorting out my wardrobe etc. Great idea to have a countdown book. I also write in my journal when I simply want to indulge in thoughts of him. Doing whatever it takes to keep moving foward. Just wish the days would go by quicker ... I miss him so much! lol
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tia
20 yrs ago
9 more weeks. *sigh*
*glows green with jealous in Pumpkin's general happy direction*
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Pumpkin I know how you feel. I will be seeing my sweetie in 8 days time. As much as I'm excited, I know I'll miss him even more when he leaves. LDRs are full of ups and downs. The highs are really great and then you are back to looking foward to the next time together. I spoke to him last night. He promised that he is doing all he can so that we can be together soon. So, I'm staying positive and keeping busy in the real world. That's all I can do I guess. A friend of mine pointed out that love has no guarantees - online or offline, it's a risk. So, hang in there girls! :-)
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
i am living a LDR and it has been for 4 months now but few weeks ago we broke up because being far away was so hard to handle but we got back together because we couldnt even handle the idea of bein separated...now my relationship with him is getting better and better but the thing is am always afraid of being separated again because i cant imagine myself without him and the idea of the possibility of breaking up is bothering me ALOT... what to do?!
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Lilmj the uncertainty is frightening but you need to have faith in your relationship. Also, if you do plan to be together at some point, then you need to discuss a plan for the future. Maybe you could move to be with him or vice versa.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Lilmj:
There is uncertainy in any relationship and i admit that in an LDR, it can fester easier. However, we live in a fairly connected world and I am sure that you can find ways to make the daily connection with your sweetie that you need to. You have already established that you are better together than part, which is good.
I am struggling with the distance thing at the moment as well...but that is partly bc I just left him a week ago and Xmas seems SOOooo BLEEDIN FAR AWAY! GAH!
Make plans...either for a permanent move or a temporary visit. I find planning our time together makes me relaxed when I know when I will see him next.
9 weeks....63 days....
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Pumpkin, my sweetie is in Turkey on a big work project & I'm in Malaysia. His work takes him around the globe a fair bit but this project is the longest! His career is important to him but the distance has also taught him how important our relationship is. You know, distance can be a good thing when it reminds you how important you are to each other. Then you actually take steps to be together. Pumpkin, what's distance between you & your sweetie?
Tia, it's so good to plan your time together. We're doing exactly that & for me, it gives me something bright to look foward to :-)
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Pumpkin, we have been geographically together briefly and then the overseas posting took him away. You know, in a way, that was a good thing because the distance made us realize that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I dunno if that realization would have come to us if we saw each other everyday. Unlike an offline relationship, an LDR makes you focus more clearly on your future. You don't take each other for granted like you would if you saw each other everyday. Pumpkin, how long have you and your sweetheart been in an LDR?
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tia
20 yrs ago
That is a good point, Lattegirl05. People in LDRs are forced to think of more inventive, interesting ways to keep things alive. Not saying that people in same city relationships do not, but it is WAY easier to fall into a routine seeing them daily.
You are forced to TALK more, which may make or break it. You discover if you truly trust them and if there is a sprk above and beyond the physical.
Interesting and frustrating at the same time. So much fun. ;-)
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Hi girls ... so good to be able to talk to people who are walking the walk & talkin the talk! Pumpkin, my past relationships have all been offline. I believe that they did not work out because they were not meant to be. No regrets though. I learnt a lot about myself & what I want & don't want. This is my first time in an LDR. Tia is right ... it's interesting & frustrating at the same time.
You know Tia, an LDR definately forces you to TALK more. Gawd, I've talked so much with my sweetie over these past 3 months. It really builds a strong a foundation for the future. Plus the naughty chats are loads of fun ... and keeps you looking foward to that beautiful day when you are in each others arms for real :-)
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
HEY TIA,i know what u r going threw and hope that u can fix things up again because it will be so hard to imagine urself without that special person and just thinking about it makes me freak out so try your best to fix what went wrong...
and as u told me to plan a visit ,he is going to come for a visit after 6months and he is going to stay for 2months but u know what i mean u r feeling the same ,waiting for that magical moment goes slower than we expect so its hurting alot...
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Lilmj I'll be seeing my sweetie in 7 days time & you are right about time going slower than we expect. I am missing him heaps! Just wrote him an email. So tempted to call but he's 5 hours behind & still sleeping. Trying to get through my day but it's not easy. I am so emotional sometimes ... the total opposite of him. He throws himself in work & gets absorbed in it. I've got a project meeting in 15 mins & all I can think about is my darling! lol Pumpkin, Tia, any ideas on how to get through the day? I'm going to the gym after work but after that it's dinner & off to bed alone *sigh*
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Thanks Pumpkin ... that's a great way to pass a couple of hours ... I do the same ;-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
WOW!!! A 2 month visit. I think I can safely say we are all very happy for you and very jealous of you. :) Lucky.....
Lately, I get through the day bc I am flat out busy at work. Damn kids won't leave me alone. BAH!
At weekends, I am usually busy or enjoying my own quiet time, or quite possibly recovering from those damn Friday nights out. We talk often at the weekends for hours, but I also need that time to unwind from the week.
When I get to missing him? I go to my online picture page, look at the pics of the past holidays and times together. I surf the net for stupid sheeit that i know we will both like and send him links. I write in my Blog. I read. I eat. I sleep. I download pr0n. (Hee hee) At work, if it is THAT bad, I will drop him a short note to say HI, miss you, love you. It makes me feel better and I am thinking he sorts likes it as well. I like sharing my daily life with him, telling him what happened, how my students were, how the lessons went and who drove me insane or not. He gets a kick out of that daily grind stuff. He's wierd. ;-)
Lattegirl, Lilmj, have either of you checked out www.pillowmail.com ? I think Pumpkin mentioned it earlier in this thread, and I am sure she is the one who found it. FUn stories you can send him to get him thinking of you.
I have my EASTER flight booked now. EASTER!!! (ps Pumpkin, I SOOO Owe you for that flight info. Anything you want babe...ANYthing (within reason)!!) I know I will be there in 9 weeks. He is looking into coming here in March, which would be UBER SWEEEET!!!!
This is the first LDR I have had, so I am learning as I go. Sometimes, I do wonder if it is worth it, but then I see him at the airport, I get that first hug and I *KNOW* I am in the right place.
Great! Now I miss him worse. &!$#$%!^@!!!!!!!
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
heyzzz yeah for 2 months that's the thing that is keeping me going hope we'll make it till then...
lattegirl u have only 7days thats just great wowww it's gona be crazy ,just imagine the day you'll meet him at the airport how u r gona be in the arms that protects u the most it will pass quicker than u think they r just few days relax girl(although i know u cant u r so exited to think about relaxing)and for getting emotional i understand u completly :-)...
hey tia thanks for the website am going to check it right now...
u guys r so helping me thx alot everyone!!!
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Hi gals ... 6 days left till I see my sweetie & the hours are going by so slowly! Last night I was lying in bed missing him so much & suddenly he called. We have this amazing connection. We seem to be able to sense how the other is feeling and when we need each other the most. I know it sounds corny but it's true! I felt a whole lot better after his goodnight kiss :-)
Tia, I too, write to him when missing him gets too much to bear. Just a little note in the middle of the work day to let him know I'm thinking of him. He loves it & usually returns it with a call. Thanks for sharing how you get through the day. At least I know I'm not alone. Work keeps me busy as well but the loneliness sets in at night. Hanging out with friends helps but sometimes I just can't help feeling alone in a crowd. I see or hear things I want to share with him but he's not around & I just have to keep it to myself.
Lilmj I am so happy for you. Enjoy your 2 months of pure bliss! My sweetie will be here for 2 weeks. Last night he said the thing that makes him sad is how fast those 2 weeks will go by. We're already making plans to meet up for Christmas/New Year. I think the only way to survive an LDR is to keep having something to look foward to. Then the days ahead don't seem to endless and empty.
Tia, I checked out pillow mail ... wow girl, that is exactly what I need to spice things up! Thanks! I also like this website : http://www.lovingyou.com/content/advice/ldr/ ...
they've got loads of ideas for people who are in an LDR. Have a good day everyone ... another day begins ... got to keep moving foward :-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Great link, Latte! Thanks for that.
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STUCK
20 yrs ago
I have been with a guy for 5 years.
18 months of that period has been long distance.
I miss him so much i just read all your threads.........and felt myself getting emotional! Grabbed a tissue ok now!
Saw my man 6 weeks ago and i have 2 more weeks to go until we can be reunited again.........can't wait we will spend 9 days together and then i will be back to see him again at chrimbo!
He is a bit crap on the phone partly as he is just not a phone person, i am ticking the days of anyway but they seem to be dragging!!!!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Welcome Stuck!
Men that are not phone people can be frustrating. Sounds like you get enough time together as well, which is nice.
We're here if you need to vent! :)
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STUCK
20 yrs ago
Thanks Tia that's nice to know!
Not long now and i will be in HK!
I tick the days of every night.......i think that makes it worse though as this stint has really dragged, it will have been 2 months in total.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Ticking days can make it drag...even though I am mentally doing it daily...8 weeks, 4 days...tick tick tick...
My biggest problem at the moment is insane horniness. GAH!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Yeah...sometimes all the dirrrty talk and help from Bob will not suffice.
I need to know. I would be MENTAL if I did not know when I was to see G again. I am going slowly crazy.....crazy slowly going am I.....
You get the idea....
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STUCK
20 yrs ago
I hate it when i don't know when i am going to see my man again, i like to have it al planned....but i do see how it can keep you on your toes!
I try not to go much longer than 6 weeks thats why this stint is killing me!!! Not long to go though!
Try and keep myself really busy catching up with friends, shopping, etc..........bit more shopping
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tia
20 yrs ago
OH MY GOD!!!!!!! THAT IS GREAT NEWS, PUMPKIN!!!!!!!
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tia
20 yrs ago
^!%@^%!$@#$!@%$#!@$#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i had my mobile, you'd get worse. :)
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Question to all girls... in a LDR, would you prefer your guy to call you and check on you every day? Or just give you your space and not being all the time calling you know! Isometimes feel that being away makes me want to call my love every second, but lately she complained from the amount we talk online and that we need time to miss each other... mmm Let me know your comments... Want to satisfy my girl at the end.
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Expat, I do like daily contact with my honey. Whether it is a phone call, IM, text message, or email, it's nice to feel thought of every day. I try to do the same for him. My reasoning is that if we lived in the same city/town/home, we'd do that anyway - so as long as we are apart, we should try to act as if we are together.
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...oops, sorry let me be more specific: I mean contact ONCE a day, not necessarily throughout the day! Some days it may just be a fly-by hi, other days if there is time then a much longer session. Be flexible, not obsessive.
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STUCK
20 yrs ago
Congrats Pumpkin.........i am the same when i know i am about to see my man i start having facials, waxes etc..., its like getting ready for a hot date but instead its a hot week date!!!!
In response to 'The Expat', i believe daily contact is needed, just so u know you are thinking of each other but not throughout the day!!
Oh well must go for hair appointment, tan, wax...lol!!!!
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tia
20 yrs ago
God, you are ALL up early. Ick.
At work already...bleck.
Yes, I think daily contact of some kind is important. It would be ideal if you both took the initiative once in awhile. Most couples have daily contact...usually in person. I would say it is essential.
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I do prefer daily contact too... but too much is obsessive..because we had times where our life turned out to be a routine... we talk morning and afternoon. But you know... sometimes i get this feeling that i would love to have a message from her saying how she is... feeling that she is asking how i am is a perfect feeling. And sometimes also i got this feeling that i want to send her details of my daily life via sms. But too much of this i guess is kinda too much.. I got no point in what i am saying... but i am just concerned honestly, cause dont want let any one of us get bored from the relationship.
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
hey congratulations pumpkin heheh what can i say more than good luck and just enjoy every second girl every moment is gona be just magical ...
and for u EXPAT well i think that keeping in touch and showing each others affection and love by calling or talking by msn or sms or any other ways of communication is a great thing and helps ur relation get better but as ur sweety said u just need to let her miss u because to be honest with u these last days i was feeling scared of getting bored in the relation or to make it so routine so i am searching now for ways to spice things up or maybe let him miss me for few days but that doesnt mean not talking at all...
so if anyone has some ways that can help me get the fire into my relation again it may help alot...:)thx
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
hey guys i just broke up with my man its's hurting like hell :'(...
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STUCK
20 yrs ago
Hey lilmj hope your okay?
Is there a chance you guys will get back together?
What happened?
LDR can test everything.
To 4 letters x2, i am not even going to rise to what you have put to pumpkin, all of us in our LDR know what we have and know how special it is.
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tia
20 yrs ago
lilmj! oh! Are you ok? (stupid question...but over all, are you ok?)
If you need to vent, drop us a line, a private message or something.
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STUCK
20 yrs ago
Hi Pumpkin you probably thought from my thread i was being a bit odd.
But there was thread aimed at you saying that you guy probably has a person in every port!!
But after my answer they must have got the ed to take it out.
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
hey i really dont know what to say we got so confused and he heared some friends talking in a bad way about me and trying to mess my reputation alot of times so he was taken with their words and he got so confused he didnt know who or what to believe,and he said he needed some space and that he won't say bye forever coz we dont know we may get together 1 day, its so painful i am not understanding what's really going on how such selfish people can come between us and never stop messing things between me and him ,he said even that he loves me alot he doesnt wana b with me right now he got hurt... i dont know what to do i dont think there is such a good solution other than giving him some time and space...
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tia
20 yrs ago
Why is he listening to other people? What matters is how HE feels about YOU and not what others say about you. I had a b/f do that once...listen to his friends. We worked it out, but it made for some rough social gatherings, as I really did not respect his mates after that.
Men, despite being as lovely as they can be, get confused at times. They get all caught up in things that they should not get caught up in and needs to have someone straighten them out. He should not be listening to others....but it happens.
Hang in there. I hope he will come to his senses.
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Tell from my experience... Men/women get insecure when it comes to LDR. It is just you don't see the person. Love is there defintely, and most importantly trust. But it is hard as we all know. But honestly, he shoudn't leave you unless he is sure about what he heard from people... he might change his attitude towards you, become less cold, and above all he has to think of both of you not him only.
My gf heard alot of stuff about me and she stopped talking to me.. and started acting as if we are not together... even when i tried to convince her that nothing from what she heard happened, she still can't believe... and it took me a while till i decided and pay her a one day visit back home ... just to see her eyes and tell her trust me i haven't done anything like that. I love you. The eye contact was like a magic... it revived everything back... After i got back of course some insecurities,.. but now i can say the issue is all forgotten and we now learnt a lesson.
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I definitely think that if two people are truly committed to each other, then not even distance can pose a problem.My husband and I have been living in two different countries for the past 7 years as he lives back home in New Zealand and I live and work in Hong Kong. We have two beautiful children who live with their dad in NZ. They only get to see me four times a year during my school holidays, but when I get off that plane in NZ, it's like I've never been gone, so well do we all just fit together again. Being apart, it's very easy to ignore a distant relationship and enter into another, but it will only happen if you allow it to. Commitment comes first, and then all the other things like love etc. If you do not keep in mind the things that you greatly value and love in your partner and relationship, then it's easy to get caught up in something you have no business being caught up in. I think commitment is thrown too easily out of the window these days in favour of a passing love.I keep regular telephonic contact with my husband and kids every day and ofcourse.....every holiday is like my honeymoon all over again [ and I've been married for almost 15 years now ,)]
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tia
20 yrs ago
misscool....that is a great sentiment....and VERy true. I know quite a few teachers here (me being one) who have their partner or entire family in a different country and often wonder how one does it with children involved.
It is VERy true that one will only cheat if they want to. People who claim it was *an accident*, I always wonder how that happens.
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
hey than do u guys think that i should give him some space and he might come to his senses again?do u think its a kind of solution?
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Long distance relationship, in my experience, does not work...tried it twice and the outcome were both heartache. Relationships need love and passion and it's hard to illustrate those to someone when you lack physicality...
FOr those who have made it work, I applaude you!
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lilmj, i'm so sorry to hear of your heartache. so i'm also sorry to suggest that perhaps it's time for you to go into recovery mode (which doesn't feel like recovery at all, i know!) and move on with your life. that way you'll give him his space, but you won't be hanging on waiting for an outcome that you have no idea will happen. if it does and he comes back asking for a second chance, great. but if not...at least you will have moved on, and possibly found happiness again, with someone closer this time!
i'm in my first LDR and it is so difficult. what Expat said about feeling insecure, and physical contact making things right again, is so true! just can't have that physical contact. the webcam doesn't always help.
maybe it was your bf's insecurity that made him vulnerable to naysaysers and bad-mouthers. but in the end, when you've held up your end of the bargain, there's only so much you can do about his...the decision to listen or not, and trust or not, and have faith or not, is his.
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HI everyone. I have been reading your letters and they have truly helped me !.I am currently in a long distance relation and she will be coming back to see me next week. I live in china and she lives and studies in new zealand.I am a westerner and she is a chinese. we have been together for 11 months now and it has been very difficult. with all the rumors and other rubbish that is spread about each other by people that we don't know we have had some major fights over this.Also trying to deal with the cultural difference can be extremely frustrating. I totaly trust and believe her but sometimes i know that she doesn't trully believe me. I have been loyal to her! i have flown to be with her a few times and the time that we have spent has been great! I now need some ideas of something trully magical that i could do to celebrate our one year anniversary, any suggestions would be great thank you
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Same for me too... next month will be the anniversary!
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so what will you be doing for your anniversary? i was thinking of a holiday somewhere
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tia
20 yrs ago
adaminchina = welcome. It is tough when other people are whispering in the ear of the partners to keep it together. I am thankful that I do not have that problem.
A holiday somewhere would be nice. A VISIT of any kind would be nice...just the 2 of you, alone somewhere.
lilmj - give him time. He sounds like he needs it. Let him come to his senses and with any luck, he will.
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lilmj
20 yrs ago
hey i thought about it alot and i found that it wasn't the only reason and i noticed that there was few different things that pushed us to go in our different ways...and i agree completely with u voiceofreason that i should continue with my life even if it is too hard after i was promissed to spend 2months with him after a while so i think the only solution for me is to keep on going and continue my life as if nothing happened and if he comes for another chance it would b great...
and as for ur anniversaries i think u should surprise ur partners by travelling to their place and let it b so magical just try to get their favorite stuff like spreading their favorite kind of flowers on the bed get their favorite drink food perfume...i think it would b so charming and romantic
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i do agree with that saying , if they don't come back then it hurts, but pain goes away love stays
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I need to share you all with something... I started to get tired from the relationship... Too much senstivity and I feel that i am always the one who can make things to track again.. I mean by this if we having fights or misunderstandings, I am the one who always try to fix things... and be nice to her.. and all.. I can't simply find it from her. I also don't have a point in what i am sayin now.. but i do miss her.. but i am starting to have doubts here.
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:-( what a coincidence. me too...just had a skype chat with my honey this morning, and i have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. i am losing "that loving feeling". we're also arguing over the logistics of daily communication. we are supposed to see each other in december - he is coming here for a huge family event (my family) - and i am so scared we might call it off before then. he's also in the middle of a very intense project, with a january deadline, and i am now beginning to learn what his work pattern is. (we met during a relatively light period of his year, and now i'm seeing what it's like when he's busy.) but my belief is that one is never too busy for a loved one - even a short heartfelt message makes a world of difference. argh. very frustrating. i don't want this to end - yet. but i can't ignore the obstacles.
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good for you Pumpkin! lucky duck! have a terrific time!
you hit the nail on the head. my honey himself said it: when we met i had tons more time than i do at the moment, but my feelings haven't changed, i'm just busier.
so yes, i think i'm just reacting to a new condition...because as soon as he clarified the situation and his feelings, i did feel better.
all fingers crossed till december. think i'll go leave him some loving messages in yahoo msngr (love those emoticons; skype too) ;-)
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LDR is hard work....sometimes
Hello don't know if my last post was posted but here it goes again....I'm in a LDR and it has been good and bad for the last year...we met and he left the states only after knowing him for 3 months...so the relationship has been LD for the last 10 months. Anyway we have mostly been able to keep up with seeing each other every 3 months he lives in Germany and travels for work....he really has no set home since he is like a gypsy...working in tourism. So basically I have to fly to visit him (I enjoy it). He works a lot and I work a lot too. I cherish our communication and love for each other....and then there is trust which I do have for him as he has for me. I am only writing this out of desparation because it is soo hard some days. He tells me to have faith in us and he will tell me this every time we fight. I am so upset with him because he wants me to trust him and not question that he went out with friends last night...so frustrating because I have such fears that he will meet someone else. He went out and did not pick up his cell phone and did not call me to tell me he was home. I don't know maybe he was talking with other women....I know it's healthy and good to do every once in awhile. I guess I am feeling anxiety. He says I should not because he says the mis-trust is ruining our relationship. I question him and tried to check up on him....we had a fight and he tells me I should figure out what I want because I don't seem to trust him. We fight over this every couple of months. I plan to move out there to be with him in the future. As he says he wants me to be with him. I want to be with him too but he is acting insensitive and I am just upset that it is soo hard sometimes to do this. Does anyone out there have a simular situation? If so what where the results? success? break up? I don't know I feel like this really sucks.
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verycutegirl: I think I fully understand what you are going through. I am in our LDR for over 2 years now and as a woman loving my b/f so much, I have kinda jealousy too. But not the mistrust. For any relationship, especially LDR one, without trust in one another, you simply cannot stay in it.
So I assume you don't know your b/f well enough to place trust in him. Why don't you take his suggestion to be with him? Move on, gal! He must have thought twice before telling you to move in with him there!
We as women tend to make an elephant out of an ant. And please don't forget, it takes years and so much efforts to build a relationship but needs just a few seconds to break it up!
Keep thinking about his other positive features and you'll get over it! That's what myself has gone through in the early stage of our relationship with my b/f and I am very happy now with him.
So think positively and good luck to you!
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Thank you wildorchid, I guess it is just something I have to get over. I love my LDR for many reasons. I love my BF but it is just hard sometimes. I really lost it today. I think positive but it is a new thing for both of us. I wonder about the future and if all I am doing will be worth it. I have known my BF for about a year now and everyday I am learning to trust him....It is such a deep love and great friendship. I guess I just have to have faith....by the way I love reading everyones posts and stories...it really helps.
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tia
20 yrs ago
verycutegirl:
LDRs are tough and if you are feeling the anxiety, it can be blown out of proportion. NOT saying you did...
It sounds like he is quite reassuring and loving towards you and I hope that helps your anxiety. Trust is one of the most important things in any relationship, esp. an LDR where one is not in our line of sight daily.
You say you have deep love and friendship, which is GREAT!! It is. Faith is tough to keep up and sometimes, we just want the person with us.
If YOU feel it is worth it...it is. Work on it, make it happen. He asked you to move in with him...that is a good sign.
Yes, I would say that you may be overreacting a little. It happens. It also seems like you and he have good communication, so explain WHY you feel a little nervous and see what he says. He sounds like a decent guy.
Trust and communication are highly important in an LDR. You sound like you have it most of the time, so I wish you well.
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hey i need to know i told my LDR that "i can't give you what you want now " and i don't want you to move back for me i want you to move back if you think it is the right decision for yourself. is that ok to say or not ?
A
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tia
20 yrs ago
Is that the honest feeling? Then it is right.
The whole idea of moving FOR someone as the sole purpose of moving may be a bit much for one partner. I know that mine has said on occaison he worries that if I move FOR him and don't like it or can't find a job, blah blah blah, then he will feel bad and he does not want that. He wants me to move when I am ready to move for ME.
What does she want right now? What can't you give her? Committment? Security? Marriage?
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Adaminchina, if my honey said that to me ("can't give you want you want now...don't move for me, move for yourself...") i'd assume exactly what Pumpkin said above. i'd say to myself, hang on a sec, then what's the point of all this? WE need to make that decision, and if i don't hear a resounding "YES, absolutely, i want you here now, i would love to be together, let's work it out" i'd take that as a very tepid - and uncommitted - statement of his feelings for me. again: it is FINE to be up front and honest about being nervous, and to discuss the logistical challenges of such a move - it would be foolish and naive not to - but you must be very clear on your feelings and commitment - or lack thereof - now.
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tia
20 yrs ago
6 weeks tonight. :)
Since I have OODLES of DVDs, I may be trying something interesting sometime soon.....
Xmas will be with his mum, sister and nephew and freaking hot. :) I meant tempurature wise...but uh, yeah....
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hahahahaaaaa! tia, let us know what the dvd's will eventually be used for ;-) (other than being flung at his head...just kidding)
my bf is coming over early december for my parents' 40th anniversary bash. however...he has not yet booked his ticket. am trying not to over-think about it - no use worrying about things that haven't happened yet. he's not the most organized, time-efficient person, but so far has always shown up when he said he would. all fingers crossed. unfortunately he can't stay until christmas - horrible work deadline.
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pumpkin, you lucky duck, you'll have a very merry christmas indeed!
my parents' anniversary bash is four days in early dec, so my bf and i had planned for an additional 6-10 days on either side of it. unfortunately, he might have to cut his visit down to just 5 or 6! boohoo! <:-( oh well...to be fair i also have a giNORmous project due literally a couple of days after the party so it might have turned out to be an overly hectic visit, with not enough quality alone-time. still, we haven't seen each other since end-july - it is by far the longest stretch apart that we've had. nevertheless - something is better than nothing.
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I am thankful there is a board here to vent all this. I am so glad you guys will be seeing your bf's soon. I will hopefully see mine in January, he is working even om Christmas. I just saw him 3 weeks ago. I was trying to get out just for the weekend. I love taking weekend trips to see him even if it is just for 2-4 days. It is totally worthi it. Not that we can afford it....but as you know in LDR love and hapiness is more important then $$. So I got into a bit of a fight with my bf and I don't know whats going on with him. I called his hotel room and no one answered it was like 1am.....we fought the night before that he did not say I love you to me b4 we got off the phone.....not so much of a big deal. So I guess it is just not knoweing because I did not talk to him last night that is getting me upset. He is traveling today so whatever he did or did not do last night....will stay in London. I guess I'm worried he may have had a guest stay with him.....but I don' think he would.....you know how hard it is not knowing?? Anyone out there?
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STUCK
20 yrs ago
It's really really hard and i have been through all that the doubt, the paranoia it can drive you insane............but it can also drive you apart so just try and be reasonable. It will all be g8 when u r with him again.
I am now with my man and loving it, enjoying everyday! But i know it's not for long.
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Im aware I'm driving myself crazy right now with the doubt, but I am so afraid that I will drive him crazy....with all this, he is good he does not do it to me. Only once in awhile, I really hope I can control this. I ask him a lot where he went and about other women, he says I'm too jealous... I guess if someone really loves you they will take you with the good and the bad. I don't want to ruin it though. I really am having a hard time with playing it cool.
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hi verycutegirl, sorry you are going nuts with paranoia and jealousy. at least you have enough self-awareness that you are probably overdoing it.
i could go on and on about the importance of trust and faith and communication and blah blah blah, but you already know that and it's all been said and done throughout this thread. instead i suggest you try to occupy your time further, to literally give yourself less time to think such negative and destructive thoughts. you'll get your balance and perspective back. stop dwelling on things that haven't happened yet.
it's not a good sign when you start arguing over things like "you don't say 'i love you' before hanging up". and at 1am: yes, maybe he had a guest...or maybe he was asleep and told the hotel operator not to put any calls through. could be as simple as that.
anyway, get busy/busier, regain your balance, and before you know it maybe HE'LL be the one chasing you saying "where were you at 1am?!"
then you can say "sorry honey, i was [sleeping]/[out with the girls]/[at my book-of-the-month club meeting]/[studying for my ph.d]/[busy as the new bartender at club X]/[at my knitting circle]"... ;-) you get the point
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Voice of reason,
I agree about occupying my time and trust me I do, that is the beauty of LDR's....you have all the time for you. I love it, however this past weekend was really upsetting. If my bf and I don't say I love you it is not the end of the world and it is not that he doesn't love me...it's sort of a way relate I am pissed at you, and back off. I did not get a chance to talk to him about that yet. He did ask me to call him last night and I did. I just was shocked when he did not pick up the hotel room phone. I just don't know what that was about and I am going to try and play it cool.....except I wrote a dramatic email telling him how upset that made me. I did I went overboard. Ok if he did have a guest, it would not mean the end of the relationship. Hey I don't like it and don't want it. I know I have been guilty of cheating and it ment nothing...it is just reality that there may a time when you want some attention or affection from someone else. I never told my bf and he kinda guessed once that I did cheat. The guys I cheated with all knew that I was in love with my bf. Sorry its my confession time tonight lol. It ment nothing and I felt nothing for these guys but boy did it make me realize I loved my bf.
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oh i see! i guess some things *have* happened in the past. no wonder you're paranoid - you've done it to him, of course you expect he might do it to you. understandable. hope he realizes that YOU realize you overreacted, and forgives you. good luck
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I'm working on it....this relationship pushes me to real maturity, you have to have such total faith and trust in someone. I have been lied to by other ex-boyfriends, over and over again. I fear it will happen again. In this relationship my bf does not want me to question a thing, as far as his love for me goes. He wants me to fully accept his actions and not fear a thing. He says I am ruining the relationship when I have fits. I don't want to give up because it is hard to have this relationship. I want to do this and give him all my trust and faith.
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I admire that so much and if I could be free of doubt and fear I think that would change my relationships obviously for the better....my bf has that philosophy of just be free and let go of fear and hang ups. He is a very free spirit, which is a reason I love him. I keep telling him I am working on this. He tells me this will ruin our relationship and any other relationship I may have in the future. I am in agony over this, and many times we argue over this and I do apologize and try to work it out. I may be naive but I never knew that it was like this, to just let go and not question actions or feelings. I mean just fully trust someone. I will practice this by just stop questioning his feelings for me. See I know in my heart he loves me trusts me and wants to be with me...I just sometimes can't stop the paranoia, and fear that he will find someone else better then me. Pumkin-I do know what you mean when you say to feel comforted knowing you have them in your life....those thoughts get me through a lot. I do feel that otherwise I would not be here, this insecurity/issues comes about once a month. Thank you for all your input by the way. I am learning a lot.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Trust is so essential in any relationship. I can not imagine not trusting the b/f with all my heart and being able to carry on this relationship with all of my heart.
VCG: I hope that you can work through this and that somehow, you learn that not all men are lying cheating pigs and that many of them are truly wonderful and loving and deserving of complete and utter trust.
You said you know in your heart he loves and trusts you. WHy is it so hard for you to trust him? If you KNOW he loves you, trusts you....why does he not deserve the same back?
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Hey girls, I got a question for you, not exactly related to the previous post but it's about my LD relationship.
My bf is German but works in the UK now.. we had talked about marriage quite a few times and I suspect he will propose to me some time after June 2006.. and of course I will say yes to him. But my question is, am I allowed to live in the UK (I hold a HK passport) with him if we show proof that we intend to get married in the NEAR future? Cuz I remember when I was living with my ex in Canada (was a student then) he researched and in Canada the "foreign" fiance/fiancee can stay for a longer period as long as the couple could prove that they are really together and got engaged and stuff.
Any insights?
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Pumpkin, wheres your honey again? I wonder if the fiance visa exists in the UK for us aliens ;-) will check out the website later too..
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tia
20 yrs ago
Just had a lovely chat with th b/f and he told me that he thinks he flatmate, who also has a g/f in an LDR, seems to be cheating on her. He has spent the weekend holed up in his room with this new girl, who is definately NOT the g/f. Hummm....innocent or not?
Can not emphasize enough how important trust is...WOW!
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I don't like the sound of that one the guy has been holed up? that means he has not left the apt with the mystery girl?....he is cheating on his g/f then...why would they be spending the whole weekend together... I am holding on to trust and faith with my LDR.....all is well and good.
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tia
20 yrs ago
No, he and the girl have not left. Been in his room the whole time.
HE usually goes to see the g/f or she comes down. He was there last weekend, so this should have been her weekend to come down. She did not. Girl B does not look like g/f, so no mistaking them.
No conclusions...we're all just a little curious.
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I don't want to jump to any conclusions either however, I was in a situation recently. I was at work and casually mentioned to a co-worked that my BF was in Spain and I went to visit him there...convo continued and he asked me to lunch. I am in LDR and not into cheating I am in love with my BF just to set the record straight. Ok so the guy asked me out he lives not far from me, he was friendly I honestly thought he was looking for a person to hang with I emailed him to see if he wanted to go jogging (thats all). I talked about my BF to him as to what my long term goals were. To get to the point here they guy wanted more then just friends as I started to realize and he thought that because we were long distance he had an in...I began to see him more often because I liked the attention and friendship of this guy. We started going to the movies and it began to be more of a regular thing. This guy was bringing over roses and candy every other night. Trying to buy my affection because I was not really into him....but I guess got caught up because he is a nice person. So, for about 1-2 months this was going on. I couldn't take it anymore he just would not get the picture....I did not know how to put my foot down and tell him. The more I would pull away by telling him I did not have time to hang out with him, or that I was not interested in being in a relationship with him because I had a boyfriend-- he would try harder...The reason I brough this up was just to share this and also to mention like I love my BF and I spent a lot of time with this other guy who I was not into....he just would not leave. Maybe that girl at the flat just won't leave....you just don't know. Sometimes people just don't get the hint....and I flat out told this guy I am in love with my BF and you know what he still emails me and calls me and gives me stuff.....if my BF ever knew....but it means nothing to me. I just can't seem to get rid of him...and I am not encouraging it either.
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Well, I think better u leave him. Come on, I am in the same situation. I am in China, my bf is in Italy, he flies here once a year to see me, do u think 8 days is enough? The rest days we chat online, call each other. I really believe we work it out, but time marches on, we found out we couldnt handle it. I mean, both of us need to go out to see people, we miss each other, but we cannt stand the seduction outside, so we make an understanding, we can go out and see pepole. I mean, do u think it's real love? As I cannt cheat on him, I told his better that we break up. Long distance relationship is horrible. So if u guys really love each other, then break up!
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I think she was addressing it to me? Paris I think your situation is a different then mine. Yes I can only see my BF every couple of months for 2 weeks. I am working on starting my own Internet business, and I don't have the time to go out and date other people. He works 12 hour days so neither does he.....However, I did meet someone and have a fling, the guy wanted too much of my time. He started to get on my nerves big time. I realized the LDR is right for me, it is hard and I did get bored. I am planning a trip to Switzerland and will see my BF in about 6 weeks. He will be in Switz. till May. Hopefully I can visit him again before May. He will be working a lot during this time and so will I so it will be hard.....After May I don't know what will happen our long term goal is to be together and we don't know when that will be. My question to Paris- How long were you together and did you have plans for the future?
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tia
20 yrs ago
Whomever is confused, raise your hand! *waves hands*
Paris, "If u love him, break up?" I don't get it. If we love someone, would we not try to make it work? This is not the idea "If you love something, set it free...if it comes back to you, blahblahblah" is it??
I am sorry your LDR was rough and you ended it. I hope you can find a good, solid relationship somewhere soon.
verycutegirl: YEAH For visits. I hope you have a great time. I get to see mine in 4.5 weeks. (30 days...but who is counting:) )
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Can you guess his email address. Keep checking it for a peice of mind! Personally if both of you are very compatible and care about each other..not raunchy sex ...you know respect each other ...and fight with each other rarely..if you did start a fight ...make sure you end it quickly...and voila! It WILL work!
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tia
20 yrs ago
HOLY!! Who cracks into their man's email? Oiks! If you feel you have to do that, you do not have much of a relationship me thinks.
Pumpkin, get them there tickets booked...ASAP!
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It's strange! I thought dureen has admitted her mistakes in another thread but she still gave others advice to follow her failure track! It's sick!
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There is nothing strange sweetie...checking mail of someone you know is FUN FUN FUN!
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That is so nice Pumpkin, so excited for you. I am booking my ticket this week to see my BF in Jan....he is working during a lot and I wish I could go during Christmas or New Years but my work schedule would not allow it. Boo hoo...I have to start planning my wordrobe soon. I'm going to Switzerland and it will be cold cold cold. Need to get some long johns.....
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tia
20 yrs ago
Oh, Swizterland would be nice in Winter.
4 weeks til I leave! (ok, 29 days) I can not wait. I fel antsy already. I think someone else is getting antsy as well, which is a nice change to see. :)
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regarding do LDR work? if its meant to be it will be, you just cant force these things.
my story started when i broke up with the ex and as a result decided to get on with it, conquer new worlds and so on..anyway. he pursued me and as a result we reconciled. as a result we are gettign married next year and am now heading home.
its been the hardest year especially with trying to stay emotionally focused, questioning yourself time after time about the future, and where its heading, resisitng temptations and so on! but am glad cause it made me sure and certain about the future.
so the moral to the story is, if its meant to be its meant to be. the END
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I am trying to figure out if I should go to Switzerland in Jan? or Feb? tough call..... the more I wait the more time I will have with him in the long run.....If I go Jan it would only mean 7 weeks till Jan or 11 weeks Feb....hmmm.....decisions....
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tia
20 yrs ago
split the difference...go in 9 weeks. :)
G told me last night he may (if he has the time banked at work) come see me for 2 weeks in March!! LA whoooooott!!! Someone to help take the early spring chill off. Oh yeah....
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I have bad news, I may not go. I know this is bad but I did something and I know you guys don't agree with snooping but I did it. It was wrong and I feel bad about it. Anyway, I logged into an email account I set up for my BF for job related stuff. He has a private email for his personal stuff....but he uses this one I set up for professional reasons. I go this is what I got. He writes to this girl HI Babe I'm in Z.. since last Sat. blah blah blah Hope to see you sometime though, be well and stay in touch. Ok I know this does not mean mutch at all, but why would he write Hi Babe? why would he give her the email address and it is for work ....I know but to me I see a problem with it....does anyone agree? I know I was wrong with the snooping. I just have a "feeling" something is fishy.....
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just ask him straight and don't torture yourself. there is probably a perfectly simple explanation. the message sounds extremely generic and non-committal.
i'm not sure you were snooping if it was, as you say, "an email account I set up for my BF for job related stuff. He has a private email for his personal stuff....but he uses this one I set up for professional reasons"
obviously if you set it up for him and neither of you changed the password, i assume he is clear that you both have access to that account?
anyway there is too much to guess at, so why don't you just ask him, as lightly and humorously as possible, who Babe is? "didn't know you were acquainted with the famous movie-star pig, honey!"
*groaaaan* ok that wasn't the wittiest suggestion but you get my drift ;-)
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Thanks, it was a harmless email....I guess I am just being insecure. But who calls another girl babe.....my imagination runs wild.....he did not pick up the phone tonight and he went out, these girls work with him, I know I need trust....and to ask him about it...I don't know....I'm driving myself crazy.
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Ok I just got some advice to not call him for a few days...to teach him a lesson. I am a big believer in communication always, to make a relationship work. Do you think not calling him would be the right communication in this case? He did not pick up the phone last night at 12 to 1 am ......he asked me to call him. He told me he has lonely I am suspicious again. He always picks up the phone. I don't know, the old fashion don't call him might work.
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Ps he went out drinking...he said he was lonely and he has been depressed and he said he had no girl with him...but all that adds up in my mind to he wants something. He has in the past not given any reason but you see I know he has little self control when it comes to many things.....
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tia
20 yrs ago
It sounds like time to have a nice heart to heart with him. We go through periods of missing and wanting someone with us...and we can suck it up and deal with it or find someone new. I would worry that he is thinking he can have the best of both worlds.
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im in a LDR for almost 6 months, i know this is crazy, me and my man haven't met in person yet. we are both working for an American organization that is based in Chicago. he is in Illinois and im now here in the Philippines. we only met thru phone and talking about work everyday. so far our relationship is ok. phone calls, email, msn, skype and webcam almost round the clock. and now he is planning to go here on February. his birthday tomorrow 26th.
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T minus 9 days...honey gets here on dec 7th, and looks like he might be able to stay for 2 weeks after all :-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
8 teaching days.
22 more sleeps.
Should I start packing now?
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all set! i can't wait. it will be a bit hectic at first - honey and my sis and her husband are all coming in literally the night before our early morning beach flight the next day, but i think all cares will disappear once we hit that powdery white sand and blue water.
et vous, pumpkin? how goes your christmas rendesvous?
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...at least you're almost done w/ shopping - i still have to find (a) his bday gift and (b) party favors for the 40th anniversary celebration (20 people...!)
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i can't decide... he is a techie-genius sort, so i hesitate to get him something gadgety, as he usually has all the latest/most esoteric types already. i already know what books he wants, and am blowing up + framing his favorite photo from our summer holiday...somewhat boring, but i am really stumped for ideas.
HOWEVER...i know he would totally and sincerely appreciate a spool of burnable dvd-r's!!! (hahahahaaaaa! :-D am recalling that Crap Gifts thread)
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tia
20 yrs ago
VoR: Shall I pass on the DVDs to you? :P I hear a CD makes a great party favour..... :)
Xmas gifts are easy for me and for that I am thankful. He is Mr. Anti-Xmas and is truly not into gifts, so we don't do them. He says it is gift enough to see me at Xmas. (Ahhh....pause for sappiness now)
I like the picture framing idea as well. I send G CD's of our vacations together so he can print out the ones he wants. (Yes, I use a lot of burnables but that is BESIDE THE POINT!!)
Pumpkin: I gave him the test you and I did on the phone. He passed. I even threw in a *D* answer for the b'day gift question and he laughed. He gave me NO *C* answers, which was rather cool. I found MORE tests...shall email them when I get home. Some good LDR ideas in said book..some not so good/practical.
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aaaahhh indeed - sappiness is *essential* to an LDR :-)
am definitely going to get him the dvd's - will let you know his reaction ;-) . maybe also memory sticks which are so much cheaper here vs there - niftier to archive all our photos. or maybe a tropical-themed swatch...set to manila time.
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hmmm...i can already hear his resounding *YES* to that idea ;-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
VoR: I have a few little quizzes and the like for LDRs if you want them emailed you, just PM me.
PUmpkin, I already sent them to you.
If anyone else wants them, I'll pass them along.
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thanks very much! i'd love to try them!
8-| (sharpens pencil) bring it on, girl...
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cms64
20 yrs ago
Hi Tia! I've been following this thread for a while and I'm in an LDR myself. It's so much fun reading your posts and very reassuring, too! :) BF is coming for the Christmas as well and here for 3 weeks... happy holidays, for sure. :)
I'd love to have the tests, too... thanks!
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tia
20 yrs ago
VoR: Sent it to the gmail account. Not sure what happened. Tried again. Also sent to AX account.
cms64 - also sent to your account on AX.
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tia
20 yrs ago
http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/faqs.htm
http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/couplesp.htm
Some reading...if you are all interested.
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LDR's are hard.
LDR's kill the sense of logic.
LDR's make you second guess yourself.
LDR's brings you as close as a voice on the phone.
LDR's muck around with your head.
LDR's are stressful and emotionally draining.
LDR's are not for the faint hearted.
But if you and your partner's got the "I will not give up" mentality.
LDR's will work. And I'm sure there's nothing more satisfying than that.
Look, if you can get through a LDR, you can get through anything in a relationship. :)
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Long distance can work,depense only on trust, loyality and how strong the love is. My wife and me lived for 8 months on a LDR. Our trust to eachother was perfect and now we´re getting a baby. When we think back on our LDR we just saw it as test for our unconditionel love.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well said in some ways Aussiegal. I agree that they are not for the faint of heart, but as for the mucking with your head and second guessing oneself, ANY relationship can do that to you. Honestly, in the LDR I have now, I have never felt mucked about nor second-guessed what we were doing.
The stress in my life at the moment is from work and other outside pressures...NOT the LDR. I find mine to be very emotionally supportive and helpful most of the time. Yes, if you survive the LD part of the LDR, you can probably get through anything.
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I did it for 2 years. very tough. I think the key is to have a good foundation behind you - a year at least, and to be working toward something specific, i.e., moving to the same country. Or, you could try being completely emotionally undemanding and without needs, and that might work! :)
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LDR! damn that's the biggest question? is it true that love last forever,f u were meant to be? does anyone believe in true love? i dunno i am married & blessed wth a very lovely boy. but still i can't explain why in my saddest moment i couldnt believe in LDR i'm being paranoid thinkin of my husband which is miles away from me.i could tell that something is missin' he never gives effort in our relationship even a single message will do. i really love him that i'm gonna die without him though i cant resist temtations. there are lotsa guys waitin for my freedom. which they can give every sweetness thingy i'm longing for that i couldnt find in my husband.i'm juz a lil bit crazy right now. there's a guy i've been talking on the phone for almost a month & i think i'm on the wrong path. i believe that communication is the key to LOVE.....yeah it's true!
LDR sucks....but stiLL love is in the air. i realized that no matter how far u'r distance is if TRUST is there relationship wiLL workout juz fine.
now my dearest HUBBY is comin over & i'm glad we passed a very harsh situation.
trust is the good foundation.
so go for it girLs..... do what u think is right
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tia
20 yrs ago
Delawrence: Undemanding emotionally? Without needs? I wish sometimes this were possible, but alas, as humans, we all have emotional needs and desires. I agree that if we work towards a goal together in the LDR, it makes time go by better.
Crazybutterfly: Did I miss something? You are starting an LDR with someone but still married? Your hubby does not live with you, but local guys are chasing you?
Trust is the biggest thing in most relationships and without it, there is no point to the relationship...LDR or not.
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48 hours to go.
ok, technically 51.5, but who's splitting hairs
;-)
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yaaaaay!!! just tried the beta version of skype with video...not bad at all! much faster and more "real-time" than, say, yahoo video.
go to skype.com > download > skype for windows, then download "Skype 2.0 — now with free video calling" :-)
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MeDee
20 yrs ago
They dont work. I was in one, 4 years. WASTE OF MY LIFE.
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MeDee,
I am currently in a LDR with my BF of 1 year we are trying to make it work and we have a plan to live together this year or next. I would like to know why yours did not work? I have a hard time with the LDR but it is not soo bad, sometimes i worry about the relationship but overall it is good. 4 years is a long time, I am excited to see my Bf this Feb. it is always so exciting and great to be together. I think it depends on the people that are in the relationship. I know that my Bf is very independant and so am I. If the love is there anything is possible. You also have to be an optimist and have faith. If my relationship does not work out I would never say it was a waste. It is what you make of it, you are in charge of your life. I believe my relationship is really a learning and growing exp. try and look at it in that way.
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MeDee
20 yrs ago
VCG,
being with him 4 years was definitely a learning experience but its also made me bitter, cynical and suspicious. I had faith and I was optimitic..but i got lied to and cheated on.
im not an easy person to fool- he was incredibly cunning and manipulative...i got sucked in, and he kept me right under his thumb, i didnt even realize.
If u asked me 5 months ago, id have told you that LDR definitely work..that there are some people that you can DEFINITELY trust- blindly... like he could with me.. but i dont know anymore.
Ill get over it in time, but never again will i do LD.. i want him here, with me, all the time..
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Sorry to hear about that, you know LD or not they can still cheat. If you are there you may no know it, but I know what you mean. If you have a choice in the matter the closer the better. It is my worst nightmare to think of being betrayed. How did you find out about this? I am suspicious and everytime I hear of these nightmares it makes me worry. I trust my BF but these stories are so sad, but then again it can happen to anyone. I think that LDR need an extra amount of trust and when you give all that trust to someone and they destroy it like that it is just heartbreaking.
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MeDee
20 yrs ago
i dont actually want to talk bout my experience, not because its too personal or whatever, im just dying to get over it, pushing it as faar away from my flow of thoughts as possible.
but ur right, this kinda thing could happen to ANYONE, and if it can happen once, it can happen again... which is why im totally trippin' about meeting new guys. Im giving myself time but even the thought of putting my emotions on the line and being in another relationship makes me wanna scream..cry..i dunno..
I dont see it happening for a while. After all, *he* (lets call him BOB) was a part of my life for FOUR YEARS. He was my WORLD.. and it ended, so it felt like my world fell apart. Pickin up the pieces is gonna take time.
Id rather give up that 'learning experience' if i could take away all the pain that came with it.. just seems like too high price to pay to learn that people can be.. lying cheating SOB's.
Buuut ok, we're straying from the topic here, LDR's..mine didnt work but ill be reasonable, im not gonna say they dont work AT ALL. There is hope Verycutegirl, i know 3 couples that sustained LONG TERM LONG DISTANCE..infact 2 couples met on the net.. and now theyre married and...married. lol, im not gonna say HAPPY- cuz u never know with married couples.
where u frm verycute?
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tia
20 yrs ago
MeDee: SOrry your relationship ended badly and that there was that much deception and hurt. But VCG is right in that those things happen even with local couples.
Picking up the pieces is never easy and I wish you all the luck and strength to do so. We're here to vent to if needed.
MY LDR is not without it's trials, but I feel it is worth it.
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Yes it is better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all. I agree, I have been cheated on in the past and I will not let it happen again. My current BF is sweet he just said to me "It's unfortunate that you have no idea how much I really love you". It is unfortunate that I can't seem to see or accept it. Not to get off subject but guys can say I love you I love you.....talk is cheap and action speaks louder then words. In all relationships you have to go with that. However, in LDR it is not so easy. Actions can come in the form of letters, phone calls, and of course visits. Mainly I look at does he do what he says he will do. He is doing all the right actions except on some ocassions when he is out late and does not hear the phone ring? Anyway my pet peeve....sorry it is my thing to get worried over little things that maybe are not that important. Follow your heart and intuition. That is my motto.
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MeDee
20 yrs ago
thanks for ur well wishes and kind words girls.
Ill get there! :)
so, i see lots of you are from HK too- care to intro?
Im Dee, 21..been here most of my life but i go back n forth between HK and Australia.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Do I believe in LDR? I have to as I am in one since March and I definitely don't want it failed.I never doubt being cheated as I think it is pointless to worry about such things. And doubts and suspision will only wear you out and weaken the relationship.
But my believe starts to be shaken-up when I heard the failure of my good friend's LDR today. They have been together for 6 years and in LD for 3 years (USA-HK), have been talking about MARRIAGE in the coming year and the girl moving to USA to join my friend, yet it ended up all in a sudden and his gf has a new bf who is also in HK.
I was shocked when I heard the news. How come a relationship that marriage has been talked of constantly and planned can be cracked up so easily?
I have a few questions for you guys who is having a LDR here.
1. when are you guys going to put a stop to the LDR and start your life with your bf/gf together?
2. For 1, how you guys make it work (moving to his/her country or he/she comes to yours?)
3. If you are going to be unemployed, unfamiliar with the langange spoken in his/her countries and will have a lower living standard than what you are having now , will you still make the move in the name of 'love'?
The above questions have been disturbing me for a long time. It will be very much appreciated if you guys can give me some comments. thanks!
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rats
20 yrs ago
Dear Pumpkin,
Thanks for your reply! Yes, I used to naively think love can conqer all. And I can't agree with you more that $$$ is not everything. I would have no problem if having a 'lower' living standard meant moving from 'luxurious level' to 'normal level'. I can still bear it to live a 'poor' life - no dine out, no travel once/twice a year,have to think it twice for every pence you sent and be guilt-ridden for just having a piece of Godiva cholocate or buying a nice book.
But what about the the first two difficulites - being unemployed and unfamiliar with the langnage spoken in the coutry where you are going to move to? Have to pick up the language before you can even be a chambermaid there... what will you do pumpkin? call it not the right timing?
life's harsh!
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tia
20 yrs ago
1. when are you guys going to put a stop to the LDR and start your life with your bf/gf together?
Well, in many ways, my life HAS started with him...just not in the same place at the moment. I am looking at 2007, possibly 2009.
2. For 1, how you guys make it work (moving to his/her country or he/she comes to yours?)
I would go there, bc my career is more portable than his.
3. If you are going to be unemployed, unfamiliar with the langange spoken in his/her countries and will have a lower living standard than what you are having now , will you still make the move in the name of 'love'?
I am worried about the unemployed part to be honest, as I am not the sit-still kinda gal. I am hoping to do some leg work this coming Easter and summer when I am with him for a longer period. I am not worried about the language.
I suppose, if I was unemployed and unfamiliar with the language, I would use the time to study the language, maybe find a part-time job or something to keep me busy. if I knew I was moving there in good time, I may even start to study at home first.
The $$$ is not the big thing. I would love to be with him 24/7 at the moment.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pimpkin, thanks! Your answer was once my answer. I was having the same thought as you are until the time (of making the move) is pressing.I hate myself for turning out to be so 'calculating', never expected that I have those ugly ideas. I hope it's just becuase I get cold-feet.
Another reason for me being so 'ugly', I guess, is becuase I feel as if I am so old and can't afford to take make the wrong decision. It not like I am still 18 and have no fear of screwing things up and starting everything over again...
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin, because I don't feel proud of mentioning it! Of course I am happy that finally we can be living together. Getting support is what i have been looking for and yet I can't keep thinking that I am going to be a burden and a parasite to my partner or how useless I am when I get the support. I consider it as a kind of weakness.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Rats:
It is often hard for women to give up their personal control and rely on their partner full time for a while. I can understand what you mean by considering it to be a weakness...in some ways, I do as well.
Perhaps a little chat with the b/f to let him know how you are feeling about possibly being a burden would help you. Let him know that you appreciate his help and support, but at the same time, you need to do something to help you from feeling like a complete parasite.
He is your partner....for better or worse at the moment and he should be ok with the idea of helping you out. He's probably more than happy to help you out just to have you in the same space as him.
Good luck.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia, why do you assume me as a female? Men do 'sacrifice' their career and move countries for the love ones as well! And it's even more difficult and stressful for them.
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rats
20 yrs ago
hahaha, pumpkin, thanks. I really haven't been here for too long. And guess no one has told me this new rule.
I recalled that there was always men voicing their opinions here back then. :D Btw, 'Meeting Place' is deleted as well? I posted a thread asking this but it was deleted by Ed. :(
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tia
20 yrs ago
Sorry Rats. But yes, it was the WOMEN'S Forum that made me jump to that conclusion. Sorry.
Still...go for it. :)
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin, got it.
Tia, I will try but still struggling.
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tia
20 yrs ago
No problem Rats. Yes, Meeting place was deleted. Not sure why to be honest, but it is gone.
I have talked with my b/f about moving him over here, but he would be in the same boat as you. He is not too keen on coming to a country where he would more or less be a kept man. ;-) His ability to speak Cantonese is limited to none and he would be hard pressed to find a job that was NOT teaching English, which he would be loathe to do.
At the same time, I would love him to try if for a few months and see what happens. Regardless of the $$ situation of him being here, I just want him here. I'd do whatever was necessary. I can understand his concern about not working, about not feeling like an equal partner.
Your being there can provide amazing support for your woman and that is worth more than $$$.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia, I did not intend to conceal my gender. Just thought it would be easier to get a more 'neutral' point of views.
But it seems my childish tone has told everyone that I am a female (silly Godiva chocolate, don't think any guy will whine about that... :D)
Most people will think it must be easier for a woman to move country for her partner as from tradtional point of view women are never the real 'bread-winner',need no achievements and have no financial burden.But it is not true...I feel enormous amount of stress...Seeing me suffered, my bf has offered me more than once that maybe he should be the one who makes the 'scarifice'. However,I really can't bear to see him giving up his job and coming here to be a 'language teacher'. What a waste of his talent and how selfish I must be.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin, thanks again for your post.
I will make the move as I am the stronger one and can adapt the new environment easier.
We started our relationship as LDR in Europe for almost 2 years and then lived together in his country for 6 months before we start our LDR again - this time it is between two continents. It is really harsh and I do sometimes wonder what the hell am I doing back here. My dad once teased us and said he can never comprehend our choice (to have the LDR) as we were neitehr in wartime nor there was a 'great'career waiting for me right now. I chose to come back because if I didn't, I would have despised myself for depending on a man and never earning my own dime after all these years of studies. The fact of being apart from him for such a long time (6 months) really tortures me and I want to go back to him right now! :( Things maybe better if we were like some of you guys and manage to buy the flight tickets visitng each other once a month or so.
Sigh...so maybe now you can understand me a bit more after hearing my story. With little work experience and at the age of mid/late 20s, it is really difficult not to worry a bit. No matter how brave I thought I was :D
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I am thinking about breaking up with my bf. I am in BJ and he is in NY. We have been seeing each other for over one year. Initially, the phone call was sweet, which makes us eager to meet each other. But now, it seems that we get irritated on the phones very easily. Some little things that can be solved face to face cannot be easily tackled through audio means. the love is decaying.
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MeDee
20 yrs ago
ladies, need some insight here.
I was in a LDR- scroll up, ull see my bitter posts.. So we were together 4 years, we had more downs than ups... then one day, he hit my limit- totally violated me and disrespected me to the point that I had to give up hope for us- basically i quit, we broke it off for good.
This is what bugs me- 24 HOURS (maybe less even) after we break up, he meets another girl at a club...they start seeing eachother. Its been 4 months now and theyre already deeply in "love".. im not only hearing this from him but our mutual friends too. Initially when i heard he met someone else- the first thing that came to mind was 'rebound'... but apparently not.
How does one bounce back from a 4 yr long relationship within 24 hours. He didnt take ONE DAY to mourn our relationship... you think it makes it easier to move on because it was LONG DISTANCE?
Its been 4 months since we broke up- he still haunts my thoughts.. i still shed the occasional tear.. but there he is, in love with another girl..
AM I ABNORMAL OR IS HE? (I already know the answer, but tell me again..lol)
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tia
20 yrs ago
MeDee: I am so sorry you are hurting this badly. Bouncing back for people is always different. I dated a guy for 2, almost 3 years, we broke up, he started dating someone soon after and MARRIED HER after telling me that he's not the marrying kind.
Do LDRs mean that they bounce back sooner? No...I don't believe that for a second. I think that a relationship that was solid til the end is hard to get over. As you said, the relationship had more downs than ups. Perhaps, emotionally, he left a long time ago and because of the distance, he feels that more time has lapsed between yur breakup than there really was. (Does that make sense?)
She could be a rebound. Just because he has "love" feelings for her, it could be transference from you to her. He did not take time to mourn the loss of the relationship and it will catch up to him.
Normal? Why of course YOU are normal and he is a cretin creepoid from hell. ;-)
I would SERIOUSLY question if it was love. I would. He's lonely. She is filling a void, a need that he has to be with someone. Men tend to remarry/hook up faster than women do, as they NEED someone with them when they have been used to being part of a couple.
I wish you all the best with this process and I am SORRY that you are hurting. We're here if you need us.
read this: http://rebound-relationships.com/unhealthy.html
http://www.breakupgirl.net/index.html
http://breakingup.org/
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MeDee
20 yrs ago
thats tia- ur an angel.
You know how you said that maybe because our relationship was so rocky, he detached himself emotionally long before we officially broke up? I honestly dont think that was the case with us. I wanted to end things a number of times because of his antics...but he wouldnt let go. I felt like i was plan B for him, if it didnt work out with his other girls, he could fall back on me.
But youre absolutely right about how men will hook up faster than women because of their need to be with someone- still, its not an excuse.
Ok tia, we're on a similiar wave length here, tell me what you think was running thru his head when he did this>> He calls me one night, drunk..saying that he thinks his gf is cheating on him. I obviously cannot listen to him speak of her, and im confused because he chose ME to speak to.. so im silent.. and hes rambling on and on.. i was SO close to just slamming the fone down but there was a part of me that wanted to hear it, figured it would help me get over him faster :P
So this is what i dont get, he starts telling me about their sex life- in DETAIL.... and i mean, every lil detail about the things she does and the was she reacts to the things he does. Hes telling me he loves her, but shes not me...and that she can never take my place in his heart..BUT their sex life is amazing and he loves her and she takes such great care of him%$&^*&(*&(*@^#&^(**(@)
So, im holding the fone, crying (he had no clue) but for some ODD reason, i could not hang up..
When i eventually came to my senses and hung up, it bothered me for WEEKS... he never bothered calling to apologize or anything.
The next time he contacts me, its to ask me not to log into his email accounts (we had eachothers passwords) he said " i have private mail in there from my gf and i dont want u seeing it, so dont log in".....obviously he wanted me to check his emails, or he would have changed his passwords. I didnt check tho- no reason to inflict more pain on myself.
Clearly he's immature and a lil twisted.. but whats the psychology behind his behaviour with me?
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tia
20 yrs ago
HOLY COW! This boy is a MESS!!!
I will admit to doing what he did with you, hanging on to a bad relationship as a plan B. When it ended, it was VERY easy to move on, despite fighting to keep the boyfriend. It's mean and I am not proud of it.
He rang you when drunk and poured his heart out? That's MEAN! He seems either want you to get the hint that the relationship is over OR he is trying to hang on to you, just in case. It sounds like his current relationship is all about HIS needs HIM. Sex, being taken care of all sound like the things men want to happen.
Good that you did not check his emails. You don't need more pain than what he is causing you.
I know, after some of my own breakups, I wanted to know what the ex was doing, to see if he was unhappy without me, to see if he was moving on. I never checked emails, but I had resources, friends, who would keep me in the loop. I know it hurt me more than it did me any good, but I needed to know. Stupid, but I guess I wanted to know.
Also if he thinks his g/f is cheating on him, he should talk to HER not YOU! This makes me think that he is using this to hang on to you, to give you false hope that he could come back. "My g/f is cheating...but if I know you will pick me up and put me back together, it will be ok." I would be wary. Next time he calls, when sober, tell him to not call you when drunk...or anytime perhaps.
I read another breakup article that said to de-tox oneself from their ex. NO CONTACT for at least 3 months. No email, no MSN, no SMS, no calls, nothing. Tough love, but maybe necessary.
If you want to get together for a drink/coffe/lunch, let me know. It helps to have good friends during a tough breakup.
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MeDee
20 yrs ago
Thanks Tia.. honestly, uve helped more than u know.
We should definitely get together.. how do i contact you?
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tia
20 yrs ago
send me a private message through AX with your mobile or personal email and I will do the same to you.
Glad it helped.
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tia
20 yrs ago
One week today. :D Wheeeee!!!!
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin- guess it's the week ;D but... I haven't even sorted out the christmas presents and I only have 2 days left !!! @_@
Pray tell me, why do we need to buy christmas presents? ........
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tia
20 yrs ago
3 days. Not even excited in light of recent events.
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i wish you all the same kind of visit i just had with my honey - he was here for 8 days, and it was wonderful. i feel closer to him and more optimistic about our future, than i was before.
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Voiceofreason, it is nice to hear you had such a good time. Be careful though. I had one and I still regret it. It took me too long to open my eyes and understand that LDR are ideals, no reality. My guy used to call me at least 2 times a day, we would chat online. When he was around he would be a dream come true but; it took me 3 years to find out he had been living a double life, one in USA with me and another one in China. The bastard was engaged to marry a chinese local. Have things changed, I took him back becausre unfortunately I still loved him and we have a kid but love dies. It is not worth wasting YOUR time with someone WHO is far away. Maybe if I had not found out they would have gotten married, who knows. All I know is that not all men are like that but You never know until you meet somone who seems to be the perfect man.
Best wishes
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MeDee = My LDR was similar to yours and it lasted 6 years. Like you said, there was more downs than ups. The relationship was long distance right from the start and till the end. I realised that he never wanted to come back as he lied/blackmailed me emotionally just to hold on the relationship. There was once that he told me that I was a burden to him and he felt obligated to me if I were to throw everything here and move to where he was. When he eventually came back, I refused to take him back. He cried and begged and told me that he would wait till I am married. The next thing I know, he is attached. Words are cheap. LDR is really difficult to maintain. For the six years, I held on steadfastly as I thought he was the one for me whilst he did nothing but kept hurting me. I realised that if love hurts so much then it is not love. I wont commit into a LDR again.
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have any of you heard of skype? No more long distance phone bills www.skype.com, all you need is a headset with a mike and internet...
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Pumpkin...just a few short days till your Very Merry Christmas! ;-)
New Jersey: so sorry to hear about what happened to you. rest assured that as starry-eyed and hopeful and romantic as i often feel about my bf, i do have my feet (and expectations) planted firmly on the ground. above all other mantras and mottos and words of wisdom and advice i try to keep in mind, the one that guides me most in this LDR is "actions speak louder than words". words ARE cheap, as freshjive said earlier. thus far my bf has done everything he said he would do, and everything he told me about his family and friends has checked out. but i remain vigilant in my observation of him, whilst still loving him in the absence of evidence to suggest the contrary.
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Totally agree with voice of reason.....you have to be vigiant in observation watch their actions...I do the same thing I know the signs, there are always signs that something is not right and go with your gut. I have another 6 weeks till I see my BF......all is well.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Thanks. I shall. :)
Hope everyone else has a great holiday with their family and lovers as well. :)
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Have a great holiday too, Tia.
Where are you off to?
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tia
20 yrs ago
Am off to Brisbane at 1130pm tonight til the 3rd Jan to spend Xmas with the boyfriend. :) Whee.
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Good for you, Tia. Have a blast! See ya next year.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Cartridges packed. :) So romantic, aren't I?
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So nice to hear Tia's gonna off for yet another romantic reunion with BF. I just came back from my honey's country one month ago..and won't be off to him again for quite a while..sigh...
But he's calling me up in half an hour and we'll chat this weekend as our own way of xmas celebration.
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tia, bon voyage and may your LDR deepen...and eventually become an SDR. Or even better, an NDR! [N = No :-) ]
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I was in one, didn't work not matter how we tried. I was flying to Europe, spending a lot on money on airfares and taking "emergency" vacations, my phone bill was so high, etc. To to be fair for both parties, each should find someone living in the same city.
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Another one. Have fun, pumpkin. Merry Xmas to you and your beau!! Do come back to the forum.
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bon voyage pumpkin! wishing you many bone-crushing bear hugs from your honey :-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Am in Brissy now. GOD, it is SO good to be with him again. Flight went well, am thrilled oh thrilled to be here.
Hope everyone has a lovely Xmas and a perfect New Year with their sweeties...near or far.
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Hey Hey...welcome back pumpkin...had a fab time huh...despite the rainy weather..heheh
I think SIA is having promotion...check it out
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yay Pumpkin! so happy for you. happy new year and a VERY happy CNY too :-)
what was that old movie? goldie hawn and george segal - their french bellboy wishing them "much 'appiness", pronounced " 'a-PIN-ness" hehehe ;-)
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Pumpkin, it's true that "heavy stuff" isn't anything suitable to talk about for such a short stay-together-time. But you two can't just avoide the topic for long. It could be pleasant to "look forward" sometimes.
Whenever I talk about our LDR with my honey, he's not 100% comfortable with it, I see it. But he would give me a picture of our future too, even though not promising anything for sure yet.
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I skipped what everyone else said, so sorry if I repeat. I've been in a LDR for 2 years and it's definitely not the easiest ... but if you love him, it seems easy, because all you have to do is imagine life without him.
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i agree that it's a balancing act, choosing between keeping things light and romantic during those all-too-brief visits, and yet acknowledging the need to talk about the future as well, and all the "heavy", mundane subjects that go along with that. so far we have gone with the flow, but more importantly: he brought up all the important forward-looking stuff <:-) plans are afoot. all fingers crossed.
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nabu
20 yrs ago
some one help me to wroked in hong kong any wroked i really thanks giving to here/him coz in hong kong my gf stay i want there about here if any want give chanced to come and worked in hong kong
i can't do nothing but i can do one think that in mothe how much i get salary i will give 50% of my salary
plz mail me in nabushr23@yahoo.com
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tia
20 yrs ago
First day back after 12 glorious days with G and I am morose. :( whimper.
I agree that sometimes, we avoid the heavy things because we worry it will infringe negatively on the time we have together. However, somethings need to be discussed face to face.
He arrives 2 months from today. SQUEE!!!
I miss him.
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rats
20 yrs ago
pumpkin, good for you!
came back from my trip yesterday, probably have to wait for another 5 months before my bf and I can meet again, the longest record of not seeing each other :( what a torture...
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rats
20 yrs ago
Thanks pumpkin, we actually had a big fight. :D
well, I had made a drama as always. But things are ok now and hopefully our relationship is strong enough to survive in the coming 5 months :D
I envy you, for you have the money to make the trip, the love to give your beloved one the surprise and the courage to endure the horrible 22 hours flight (round trip) just to see your beloved for 24 hours (and among them 8 hours were for sleeping? ;P) .
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tia
20 yrs ago
Sometimes, fighting can help clear that air and make things move along better...provided both parties can move on.
March 4th can not come fast enough. If I had money/time, I swear, I would be there every weekend.
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Pumpkin and tia - you guys make me rethink that LDR is possible. After my 6 years LDR, I swore it off. Brought back a lot of nice memories after reading what you wrote.
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Happy New Year gals! Another year of WAITING, FLYING, & HAPPY TIME WITH YOUR HONIES again. Hope this year will be the last year of LDR for someone. Then we can be with our beloved man forever.
Tia, guess you've been in LDR for quite a while now. 5 months should be no problem for you and your man. My fingers will be crossed for ya. But you're not alone...I won't be able to see my honey until this coming summer or even autumn!
Fortunately, Skype is helpful enough. My honey baught me some credit for my skype account, so I can just call him up everyday. It's much cheaper than IP phone with a better sound quality too. Still I miss him a lot...
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tia
20 yrs ago
We met 2 years ago Jan 18th. Shocking when I think about it.
I will see him in less than 2 months, then again at Easter and hopefully for the majority of the summer. :)
Good luck in 2006 with the beloved man.
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tia
20 yrs ago
5000K? WOW! That's rough. How often in a year do you hook up?
It is common to get upset easier when someone is not around as sometimes, the mind can wander and wonder what is going on. We miss them all and that can manifest itself in ugly way at times.
At least you know she wants you. I'd be more worried if she didn't want you with her. :)
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Exactly! You're in big trouble if she stops missing you and stops to be upset with you coz of LDR...
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tia
20 yrs ago
I am curious BB, what sorts of alterior motives could one have for wanting an LDR? Cheating? Leading a double life?
Patience...oh, mine is wearing a bit thin at the moment.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Sebastien- what do you mean?
You can feel 'they don't work', and so can the others? How so?
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It's encouraging to hear about others' successful LDR stories. My bf and I waited 4 months to be able to spend 10 days together over the holidays. It was definitely worth the wait, but coming back here was hard. Another long wait ahead!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Hi Lisa. How long before you see him again?
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Hopefully Easter... I think the best we can manage is seeing each other every 3-4 months. Will be trying hard to hang in there for the time being :)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Every 3 to 4 is doable...hard, but doable. I think if it were longer than that, I would lose my mind.
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rats
20 yrs ago
tia- look at me. I have to wait for another 5/6 months... :(
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tia
20 yrs ago
Rats! (hee hee) That would be TERRIBLE!
In my first year with G, I went from April to September without seeing him. We were not too serious at this point (so I thought) but that was a hella stretch for me.
He is here from 4/3 to 18/3 and then Easter I am there and after that, nothing til mid July (if I am lucky).
Is there anyway you can get a short weekend visit in?
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hi lisa_sim, welcome to the much-loved and long-lived LDR thread. good luck with your LDR - the key (one of many!) is regular communication, the frequency and mode of which should be agreed upon by both of you. :-)
rats, sorry to hear it - it IS a long stretch..but it can be done! my honey and i managed to survive the 5-month stretch before our last visit in december. we did hit some low moments...but managed to work it all out. :-)
next trip: april, which makes a 4-month gap. *sigh!*
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tia
20 yrs ago
That may be another key, VOR. Working it all out when it does get low. Seems some couples, LDR or not, give up when the going gets a little rough at times, as it will when you have 2 different people sharing space and time. I have been reading a few LDR communities else where and there seems to be a lot of the "Going gets tough, the *tough* get lost" mentality.
I am going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment as well and although it is rough and I am not thrilled with what is happening, I know that in the end, when it is all settled and worked out (bc I know it will be), it will be worth it.
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tia, you're so right. if there is anything this LDR is teaching me, it is "stick it out" and "look at the facts, not the hypotheses" and "actions speak louder than words". so far, my bf always comes out on top, i.e. the pros always outweigh the cons...so i continue. i admit that in the past i have just "moved on" at the first sign of problems. but this one looks like a keeper. <:-)
our rough patches are usually about chat times, and the occasional cultural difference. but he has a good sense of humor, a forgiving nature, patience - more keys! - and is less high-strung than i am (i'm a bit anal about my schedule, because i have to be!) ;-)
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia and VOR - thanks! Feel better when you know you are not alone :D
Just hard to imagine as it is the longest stretch we have
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pumpkin, you lucky duck! we are aiming for at least living in the same region...makes visits much easier. :-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
I agree that chat times are essential and it is one of the sticky points at times. This week has been bad with either him busy or not home and when he is, I have not been. It's making me nuts. However, last night, when I was certain he would not be around MSN-land, he popped up just to say HI and Love you before he went to sleep. *silly grin*
I do think that we work dang hard at keeping these relationships working. I know I do. I want to. I think he is worth it and that what we have started is worth finishing with style. Yes, VOR, I agree that the pros definitely outweigh the cons. I am a big fan of Pro and Con lists.
This article was sent to me today.
http://theapp.appstate.edu/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=699&Itemid=41
Maybe interesting reading for some of us.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia, would love to pay short visit, but can't afford either the time and money.
I am not as crazy (no offence!) as Pumpkin, can't bear flying off at thursday night, take 12-hour filght arrive at on Friday, stay one day together, take the plan again Sat evening , arrive Sunday night and hit off to work again on Monday @_@...
I wish I could afford that (financial-wise, time-wise and energy-wise) :D
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tia, that was a great summation of the pros and cons of an LDR. just substitute some of the details (i.e. "job" for "college") and the article could apply to most of us.
it also captured my precise dilemma: i love him and miss him, BUT i have a pretty sweet set-up here, family- and work-wise. the end goal is to be together (ok, ok - *gulp* - married), but the question is when? and where? and - it sounds so cynical but i'd be a fool not to ask it - at what cost to me and my career and my lifestyle? once my son goes off to college, i should in theory be willing and able to move to where he is, which will likely be somewhere in europe. most importantly: will we be able to wait that long to be together? (it's a few years away!) can we sustain the relationship as we are now, through communication and visits, until then?
the answer is exactly as the author of the article wrote: only if we both want it.
looks like you and your honey have the same time issues as we do. plus, the natures of our schedules and work are really different. but then they manage to suprise us, don't they? :-)
rats, there's never enough time or money is there?! <:-) the next best thing is to plan for less frequent but longer visits.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Rats, I would agree that a 12-hr flight for a weekend may be a but much. I have done 8 hours for 3 days but even that is pushing it. Luckily, as insane as Pumpkin is (Luv ya honey!) she is only traveling 2 or 3 hours each time and if that were the case for me, I would was well.
I wish I had a private pilot and plane waiting for me at all times....
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rats
20 yrs ago
Shizz- I know you are here, busy at checking the chicks :P
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rats
20 yrs ago
Vor, yes, never have enough time and money :D
Good luck to your LDR. You have pointed out exactly the main concerns of not ending the LDR - getting marry and move to another country will inevitably impair one’s career/personal growth/achievement, no matter how little the impact is or how short the ‘adjust’ period is - at least that’s valid for me, in spite of the fact that I am green and don’t really have a career yet…
Does it mean that I am selfish?
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia, only 2 or 3 hours? oh, Pumpkin is lucky!
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tia
20 yrs ago
VOR/Rats: I don't think not moving bc of career/acheivement reasons is selfish. As much as we love our partners, in the end, we need to look out for ourselves as well. I am not ready to move (although I think I am some days) as I am doing well career-wise and fiancially and I am not really ready to give that up. I am not saying he is not worth it, but I need to feel more secure with my career before I can move.
I don't think it is selfish as much as it is practical. I would hate to move and then resent it bc I did it too soon or when I was not really ready to do so.
I agree. When BOTH parties are ready to make to take the LD out of the LDR, then it is time. Communication about all factors is key and being able to discuss the move openly and honestly is important as well. G knows why I am hesitant to jump up and leave right away and he understands. Sure, it's tough, but one good thing about my job is that I KNOW when I get breaks and I can plan holidays. Heck, I have my July/August planned!! (I like planning, keeps me sane.)
Yeah, Pumpkin is lucky in some ways with distance. However, it is hit and miss with WHEN she can do this, which is why she does it whenever she can. Their visits have been more frequent lately (lucky gal) but sometimes, they are a loooong time coming. Also, her visits are usually short...very short. I may only get 3 or 4 a year, but each one is at least 10 days. She'll get 10-11 visits, each one lasting 24 to 48 hours.
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rats, i believe there are two kinds of selfishness: there is the negative, destructive kind that hurts yourself and the people around you, and there is the healthy positive kind, which is very simply loving yourself. it's really just semantics, but people confuse "self-centered" with "self-love".
i firmly believe you must love yourself first - this means knowing who you are and what you are capable of, and valuing the person you are. only then can you go out - with self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence intact - and have the right kind of relationships for you. :-)
i realize it all sounds a bit fortune-cookie-ish, but it's nothing our mothers, grandmothers, and best friends haven't been telling us for years! ;-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well said VOR! You can't love someone else wholly until you love yourself. :)
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sadly no! plus CNY is not a national holiday here in the philippines. there will be celebrations and fun stuff to do over the weekend but it's business as usual on the weekdays. what about you?
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lucky you!!! he is missing you something fierce, isn't he...how i envy the bone-crushing hug you're going to get in a few short hours. a VERY happy CNY to you!
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Pumpkin/Tia,
Really lucky you gals there visiting your honies in a much frequent base than I do. Each of my flies takes me 12 hours (Airplane transfer included) to get to him. And then my work & money wise don't allow me short and frequent trips. I can only see him once in 6-7 months or even longer.
Sometimes really feel tired of these seperatings. But 'If you think he's the one, then do everything you can'. If you get the direction of your life, just keep on walking till the horizon. There must be some sunshine ahead, if not soon, but some day!
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Long distance relationship never works. If you really want to have a long distance, which means you have to think about what kind of person who you are dating with. Some people who you can trust, but some others you cannot. Dont let someone take advantage from you because you are too nice!
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you must have had a really bad LDR experience. did someone take advantage of your being too nice?
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went out with my husband when I was 18 and he was 19. At 21,he went off to Perth, Australia to study and I went off to Gold Coast, Australia to study. Well, we survived it although it was hard at times. We graduated and his first job, made him travel a minimum of 1 week out of 4 weeks in a month. Cutting story short, after 10 years of going out, we got married. Well, to complicate things, after 2 years of marriage I decided to take off to Sydney to do my masters. And well, I've just finished my masters. LDR, takes a lot of compromising and understanding. Not easy, and I'm probably going away to work in mid Aug and this is with his blessings. It can work and endure but lots of hardwork must be put in.
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welcome back pumpkin, the most frequent flyer here! so happy for you :-) ...and how lucky that your honey will be here so soon.
CNY was just another weekend here in manila but we had lots of quality online time. last week was a very good week - much more communication, really defining the near and far future without stress. it seems to get easier over time.
sunniefaith, you've been through it all. do stay in the thread and share with us your pearls of wisdom. just my opinion but this is my favorite thread - it is certainly one of the most positive and supportive in these forums.
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Thanks Voiceofreason....you made my day! Feeling a little down after hitting shops with husband. As usual, the nagging and me snapping, not spending your money, so why do you care!!! See...we have a love hate relatinship with shopping!
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alas! i will be stuck here, away from him, for "heart-shaped ravioli day", as i now think of v-day! ;-) (that's what he made for me last year.) v-day is HUGE here and there will be major traffic jams all day and evening. so i'll probably meet up with friends for drinks somewhere walking distance from the office, then have a nice dinner with my son. as for the honey, we will get online, webcams fired up, and...[fill in the blanks]! ;-)
so pumpkin, your honey will be with you for v-day? or at least the weekend? :-)
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rats
20 yrs ago
pumpkin- 30 hours is still great!! Think of us who can't be with our bf/gf at the V-day :)
Btw, wish you all the best in the year of dog :) an let us have another great LDR year (or the end of LDR for the beginning of sth better for some of you :P)
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Think being with the same man for about 13 years going on 14 years, Valentine's Day has become to be just another day. Should hear what husband says about Valentine's Day, just a way for businesses to prey on the lovesick and make money out of them! Oh how I miss those Valentine's Day's dinners....
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ignore his comments and do something anyway. decide in advance to enjoy yourself no matter what. go out or stay in for dinner - it doesn't matter. if you stay in, prepare or order your favorite food; pop open a special bottle of wine or single malt or vodka, or whatever it is you two like to drink. make it a very simple, low-pressure occasion. if he asks why, just say "because you're still my valentine" and leave it at that, change the subject and talk about other things.
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tia
20 yrs ago
I am back from CNY as well, but not time with the boyfriend. It was wierd not talking to him daily as I do in HK. I miss that.
V'day? Hum. Nothing special, nope. He'll be here on the 4th march for 2 weeks.
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vof, well, think i'm going to send him flowers on Valentine's Day. And I'm hoping that he'll get me some too!!! Actually, hubby, not bad already. He cooks me dinner almost every night. But not for long...I'm moving to HK
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that's sweet of you to send him flowers. and if he's the one who cooks most nights, then you cook for him that night. when do you move to hk?
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In mid Aug if everything goes well. Still waiting for the other side to confirm stuff. Have an arrangement with husband. If I work in the mornings, I would cook dinner and if i work afternoons, he'll cook dinner. Well, i'm working afternoons and so he works. He's a pretty easygoing person.
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rats
20 yrs ago
sunniefaith, your hubby and you both get a job here in HK and are moving together? That's great! A very good chance to keep the 14 year marriage fresh as you two are facing new challenge togther, how sweet! :D
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rats
20 yrs ago
I am depressed, hope it is just another bad hair's day. :(
Have a big fight with my fiance, guess we are both not mature enough to handle a long distance relationship :( cried my heart out yesterday till 3am...seriously thought about breaking it off, but I will only do it when I see him face-to-face next time as the distance may mask the true feelings and the relationship still worth a chance...
I guess the main problem is me :( when seriously thought about it, I wonder if the distance between us make me erase all his imprefection and build up the 'ideal' him. So I am prefectly HAPPY everyday just thinking of marrying him and starting our life together, talking about it with my family and friends and that's what help me to survive our LDR. However, when I have to encouter him on phone, things always end up bad - it is the time when the 'ideal' him is crashed and his bad characters just bug me. (Does it make sense to you guys?)
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oh no! maybe it was just a difficult weekend - i also had communication problems with my bf, and it was our one-year anniversary of meeting each other. <:-(
whatever you do, wait until you are face-to-face. as you two are engaged, you owe yourselves that much. agree to disagree until the next time. when will you see each other again?
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It's easy to deal with this kind long distance relationship, tell your man/woman, you have some male/female colleague that you like him/her a lot, then make him/her jeaous of that all day long, then your relationship will be connected by it. Just like you have a hungry cat and you just need to hold your fish and let your cat chase your fish all day long !!!!!!!!
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sometimes game-playing works, and sometimes it backfires. i am sure rats knows by now if that tactic would work on her fiance.
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rats
20 yrs ago
vor-thanks for the support. Hope your bad communication time have passed by now :)
There is a serious communication problem that has hauted our relationship over the pass 3 years. I am not sure it is going to resolved. Unfortnuately, we can't meet till June this year. For sure thing can be handled better if we are living together. I called it the 'arena trick' where you are stuck, need to face the question and sort a solution together. I miss those days...
Mystrium, thanks for your tip. But it doesn't apply to me. I don't like mind-games. :)
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Rats, it is not mind games, it just the way of how you deal with your relationships better when you get some long distance relationships there.
:-)
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rats
20 yrs ago
mysterium- speak from experience? Mind sharing your story with us?
It is about communication and truly embracing everything of the one you love. My LDR encounter problem, not becuase he is getting tired of me or getting lazy as he thinks I am in his pocket. :)
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin-Thanks! Will think about making a trip in April either for annual leave or quitting my job. I can't visit him cos i have used up all my leaves for the year. And we were trying to save as much money as possible so that we could start our new life in June a bit easier. (that was the 'plan') sigh...
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rats, maybe no need to quit your job yet - would your employer allow you to take leave without pay? just thinking that quitting your job is a bit drastic. however, i totally understand the need to see him sooner than june.
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tia
20 yrs ago
I have agree, rats, that a trip to face-to-face talk about it all is in order. I can't really add more to what Pumpkin and VOR said. I am going to ignore the other comments. Lying is never the way to make it work.
I wish you all the best of luck and may you find the result you are truly looking for..whatever that may be.
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rats, I share your feelings since I am facing quite similar problem. I am so stressed because of 2 and a half years distance so I became very annoying. I get angry at almost everything and I destroyed our vacation recently over the Chinese New Year.
And now with the to have or not to have a baby, our relationship has become more fragile. I posted on this on another thread where you and other girls are sharing with me your empathy.
I'm also so depressed at the moment.
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i hope it's just a temporary phase for all of us! wildorchid, i've been following your other thread...so sorry to hear of your dilemma. you do have a very tough choice to make, plus it is exacerbated no doubt by the long distance. try to tackle one issue at a time. maybe you can go out with one of your girl friends, as i am doing in a few moments. this one is the majorly pragmatic one who can always get me to see more clearly, with less emotion
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VOR, thank you very much. It's really a bad time for me and I wondered in the morning that I could still get up and go to work. You know I cannot swallow whatsoever I try to put in my mouth to survive, and it's already the 2nd day. I don't want to let him know about this because I don't want him to feel sorry for me. He's a very good boyfriend, and the problems come inside me.
You're right, I have to tackle each of them at a time. I will try my best.
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rats,
I'm moving over alone first. He'll try to get a job if he can. We've been out for about 10 yrs before getting married. We've been married for about 3 yrs. Not 14 yrs...Rats, been looking through the posts, hope you're feeling better. It can get hard at times. I know how it feels, been there done that. Hang in there....you'll be fine!
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rats
20 yrs ago
vor and tia- thanks for the support!
Wildorchid- hope you are feeling better and figure out the 'to have or not to have' a baby issue. What jeopardises your relationship most? the distance between your bf and you or the different stands on having babies? Try to figure it out and deal with the more serious one first.
sunniefaith- thanks. I am trying to hang in here. Your story is a really encouraging and comforting one. How did you guys manage that all?
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rats, I like your point of analysis of what jeopadizes our relationship. To be honest, I lost my usual analytical mind now when I am so confused. Good that you reminded me about that.
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yeah, i can tell you that when I keep in touch with someone, I always tell him that I "like" another man a lot, so after that, my love chaser he just is very jealous of it and always mail me & call me in midnights.....lol.......haha.....
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rats, honestly it was very hard. We broke up while we were in uni as well. We were in different states in Australia at that time. I was the wonderer, wanted to meet more guys. Then I realised that I already had the best and what was i looking for. Rats, it is a hard thing to do,there were lots of prayers along with lots of screaming and shouting and then finally the wedding bells....But ultimately, we both had to sit down to figure out what we want and then work towards it. So there you go, I'm an example that LDR does really work!
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tia
20 yrs ago
sunniefaith: It's good the see one that works. Thanks for that!
I know a few couples now married who were LDR for a time before and things seem to be going well. We never know, but if the relationship works and is moving along, go for it.
23 days til G arrives in HK. Anxious!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Just anxious for the time to pass and for him to get here.
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tia and pumpkin, am so jealous of you two! :-) lucky girls.
am in a bit of a fog at the moment - going through a period of doubt as to whether this LDR is all worth it. on the one hand i could be falling into my usual habit of Thinking Too Much, Too Rationally (too much head, not enough heart). on the other hand, what's wrong with a one-year anniversary review? we do it at work, all the time (i.e. quarterly and yearly reviews)...why not for our most important love relationships as well? you know, make sure things are on track, expectations same/met/unmet/changing... <:-\ siiiiiiigh
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thanks for that, pumpkin. i'm going to be speaking with him tomorrow morning. he knows something's up because i actually scheduled this conversation, and made sure both of us will be at home, for complete privacy and concentration. hmmm, i like that: "assessing real compatibilities in core life areas" ;-) ...will use it if you don't mind!
another reason am feeling a bit jumpy/nervous about eventual marriage to my bf is that i've been taking an informal poll amongst my married girl friends (about 95% of them are married w/ kids)...about two-thirds of them say they wouldn't do it again! especially women whose husbands are retired or semi-retired. they'd have the kids all over again...but not the husband. <:-( such a pessimistic outlook (for the marriage bit)!
in any case...it's time for the 1st annual performance review.
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VOR, I guess you just use the result of your poll for reference only! Your friends have their own lives and you are living yours. Please don't pay much attention to that or focus on the rest 5% of success!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well, pumpkin, I hope we will see you and your sweetie out this weekend. Ran into Ms Roxy last night on Soho.
I agree that letting them know you need to talk is a good idea, rather than dropping it on them. I did that with the recent upset with G and it was better than some of the other talks we have had. We will need to have the *who is moving, no seriously* chat and I am hoping to that face to face.
VoR, I agree that sometimes, a review is necessary. It's important that we know where we stand.
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ha! bullet-pointed list-makers of the world, unite! :-D pumpkin, i'm a bit of a compulsive list-maker myself, and if i write something down, it Gets Done. (if not, likelihood of accomplishment falls drastically ;-) ) i definitely prepare notes and scribblings before very important conversations - it is AWFUL to forget something and have to go back OR not have the chance to bring it up again.
wildorchid, you're right about focusing on the positive minority. if my bf and i do end up together and married, we'd have a very different situation than the friends i polled (first and only long-term marriages vs my second marriage/his first, at a much more mature stage in life).
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tia
20 yrs ago
I LOVE lists. If I don't write it down, forget it.
LIst-makers is a WHOLE other thread.
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Look girls, vor, tia, rats and everyone, I strongly believe that if you want to work out some thing, you both can work it out...And that everything is really possible. But having said that, please never put yourself in a compromising situation....It's really nice meeting you girls!
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if i get to hk (sometime this year i hope) will PM all of you for a get-together :-)
am skyping with the honey at the moment. he's at the office.
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tia
20 yrs ago
An LDR meet up would definately be in order.
Sunniefaith: Great to meet you as well and thanks for showing us that LDRs can work out.
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rats
20 yrs ago
sunniefaith- it is very nice meeting you as well. Your story has been truly encouraging. :D
Vor, tia and pumpkin- dunno you guys take the relationship evaluation as if it were a business meeting. :P it is...GREAT in some sense, a very good idea to drop down everything and give it to the bf beforehand so he can have time to 'digest' and think about it. Probably he will feel less offended, esp. when he is the cause of some problems :D I will try this next time.
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hi rats...the relationship evaluation chat (ok, that IS a pretty terrible label isn't it? ;-) )is LIKE a business meeting only in that it is scheduled, and at least you're prepared with a list of important topics i want to be sure to cover. you know how those casual, emotional conversations can go here, there and everywhere? that's nice most of the time, but sometimes we end up shelving or avoiding important and difficult topics. <:-)
our chat early this morning wasn't easy, and i got off the phone feeling a bit down. but i zipped him a email anyway before dashing off to work - just a little note thanking him for listening and making the time...and by the time i arrived at the office he had answered with a very upbeat optimistic and loving message. so even though the conversation might have been difficult for both of us, he did digest and think, and fortunately for our relationship, he still feels it's worth pursuing. i have a lot of thinking to do myself.
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rats
20 yrs ago
vor, gald to hear that your man still feels it's worth pursuing. Good luck!
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Sometimes I find emails are such a great invention! There are many things you can express beautifully and thoughtfully in an email. While jotting down your thoughts, you have time to think it twice before sending it out. On the other side, the recipient can also receive our thoughts in much easier way. If they feel embarassed, angry or else how they don't have to face us directly and they don't have to respond immediately if don't want to like in case of face to face communication.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin- um...the more I read the threads from you girls, the more I wonder if I am the real cause of the poor communication between my bf and me...
it is because when I send him e-mails, I expect they are replied to, not just to be read! And I can never comprehend why it taks time so long to reply my e-mail and yet the rely is short and simple. He just can't think, not because he doesn't want to, but he is incapable of doing that. I usually got more angry after receiving the short e-mails. hahahaha
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hi pumpkin - so true about the way men prefer to receive information, and how much they appreciate it when women "stick to the point" ;-) i think sometimes we tend to forget how mysterious and scary the world of emotions and feelings appears to men.
rats, i remember an old thread where you brought up the email issue, i just didn't get a chance to reply to it...i don't think your man is trying to make you suffer - it may simply be that email is not his best or preferred mode of communication. i used to send long, beautifully composed emails to (a) my ex-husband (b) my son (c) assorted sweethearts through the years. i'd say 98% of them were incapable of reciprocating! :-D it is so frustrating to get two lines back when you've spent hours writing your innermost feelings and thoughts...so maybe it's time to feed them to him in bits and pieces. maybe you could keep the long draft in your drafts folder, then send it one (short) paragraph at a time - don't send the next paragraph until he's had a chance to speak or write you back. he won't be so overwhelmed and pressured by your long emails, and you'll get every single question and issue answered (eventually). ;-)
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wildorchid, that's exactly why i love emails - they may take longer to compose but they convey exactly what you want to say, how you want to say it, and most importantly they are considerate of the recipient. ;-) emails force you to be accurate and thoughtful, because it's the same as committing statements to paper.
it's a pity that letter-writing is becoming a lost art...!
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rats
20 yrs ago
vor- good tips! I will try and see if it works. Thanks!
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And rats, there are plenty of guys I know who prefer talking instead of reading and writing. So maybe you have to know what type of person your BF is. With my BF, sometimes we exchanges dozens of emails per day, and of course, very short ones. We write long emails only when we have serious issues to discuss about.
So it depends again on our partners, timing and topics we want to exchange with them.
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dr. P (P stands for Pumpkin...and Pavlov! hehe): SO right about the "reward". ;-)
rats, as a reward for your bf, for every one or two short emails that he replies to, send him one "just-because" email (also short) that he doesn't have to reply to. can be a nice memory, or something sweet or naughty that you want to say to him, or simply surf for interesting or funny news/photos that you can mail to him to make him laugh. ;-) a couple of weeks ago i mailed my bf the pic of the two pandas having a go...did you see that one? ;-) "happy CNY, darling"
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rats
20 yrs ago
girls, thank you all for the advice :D
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tia
20 yrs ago
I have written letters and emails, of many varieties, to the b/f in the past 2 years. True, his responses to my emails are always shorter than I hoped, but he is also a direct person and would rather (A) talk it out over the phone or (B) hash it out over MSN. I send postcards when away and little care packages when I can.
I have to admit, when I email and say "I want you to read this, think it over and then, we need to pick a good time to talk about it", I get better responses and more honest feedback. He's also been better at replying as well, since I mentioned that not knowing if he even received it or bothered to read it irked me a little.
Oddly, when G was not working as much, he would not email me during the day. Now that he is stuck in an office all day, Mon to Fri, he emails daily. :)
Rats: I doubt you alone are the problem. Just be fair, clear and patient.
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Ladies, please don't forget that we women normally talk more than men, or at least that is my point of view and my experice:-). So I find it quite normal when guys write shorter emails then we do.
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I like emails as I can really pour out my thoughts and then edit them before sending it out. I find it sometimes when we're in the midst of an argument, we say things and the other pary may not be really listening or half the time, we may be interrupted as the man gets defensive. With an email, there can be no interruptions and I can get my point across. I used emails a lot when I was in Sydney last year and he was in Spore.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Good point, Sunniefaith. That delete and back button may have saved me from pissing someone off beyond recognition a few times.....
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Yes...words out from the mouth can't be deleted....but as long as the send icon is not clicked on....there's still time to edit it!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Yes, I often have to remind myself in the heat of a face to face discussion to think twice, talk once. Email gives me the time to do so. Handwritten letters, even more time!
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rats
20 yrs ago
tia, besides pissing someone off, it can also save me from hurting someone 'irredeemably' with all those words of anger...
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that's so true. i can't remember where i heard or read this but "people will forget what you say, people will even forget what you do...but people will never forget the way you make them feel." in other words, even after the details have faded from memory, the emotional impact of what you may have said or done remains with the recipient. a letter or email is tangible proof and a permanent record of those feelings.
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Hi, i wonder if anyone could give me opinion on what i shd do.
I am now in long distance relationship with my bf. we are away for 2 weeks but he has gotten very insecure, because he found out i cheated on him last three months, and the problem was still fresh when he had to leave to dubai. and i am now in malaysia. he doesnt trust me being here without him. and he wants me to leave my current dream job, and stay with him and family in this country. the thing now is, i cannot get the visa to enter the country even to see him. that makes him more restless. he ask me to come up with options to prove him that i am doing good, that i will not betray him anymore, while i am away from him. The thing is, i cannot think of something good. because words of assurance dont work anymore. it is now action that he wants. and i cannot be there with him because i cannot travel there. Can anyone help me suggest some OPTIONS on what i should do to assure him that i will not cheat on him? (eg, maybe by putting body cam on my body all the time and let him see what i do--which is pretty uncomfortable idea).
Thank you
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sorry to hear of your situation, veryconfused, but i think your core issue is trust (or lack thereof), and not the long distance.
are you engaged to be married? is he The One you want to spend the rest of your life with and possibly have children with? if he is, and you love him that much, then you have no choice to but do everything you can to assure him that you are being faithful, until he forgives you and trusts you again. and if that means 24-hour webcams or surveillance (ugh! what a horrifying thought), then so be it.
HOWEVER...if he is NOT the man you want to end up with long-term, and this is just one of the many relationships you are going to have over the course of your life...then i suggest you break up and move on. you might spend the rest of your life apologizing for a mistake for which he might never forgive you. so next time, learn from your mistake: DON'T CHEAT! trust is such a fragile, precious gift. it is rarely given again, once broken.
once again, your problem is not the distance - it is trust. your bf would be just as hurt and paranoid even if you two were still in the same city. you might want to start a new thread in Relationships, in order to hear from men as well - i.e. men who have been cheated on - and get their advice as to what actions might lead them to forgive a cheating gf.
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tia
20 yrs ago
VOR: I like that quote. I may use that...
Veryconfused: Sorry to hear that things are rough, but at the risk of statin the obvious, what did you THINK he would want to do? You cheated. Any relationship ,LDR or not, would be rocked by that and of course he is going to want to keep an eye on things. The trust you once had is shattered now and needs time to mend, if it ever could.
Surveillance is not the way to go. You need to find a way to regain his trust before the relationship can go any further.
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veryconfused, put yourself into his shoes. What would you do if you were in his position? Think about how he would feel and act accordingly. But if you think that you might cheat on him again...Then honestly, don't even bother to try to make this relationship work out. Relationships are all about trust and more trust is needed for a LDR. Hope you're not offended with what I wrote.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well Jay, this is a problem many people in an LDR face. Most of our lives are outside of where the partner lives. My life is mostly in HK and his life is in Australia. At the moment, I am in the boat as you. I *know* I would not have the same life as I do in HK if I moved to Australia and I am not yet prepared to give that up. I am sure one day, I will be, but at the moment, I can't because I am not ready and honestly, I do not want to.
We have to keep our partners happy and at the same time, we have to keep ourselves happy. If you are not ready, you are not ready. I hope your girlfriend understands that and is willing to go the distance with you in the LDR.
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that perfectly sums it all up for me, jay2004 & tia - that's the exact description of my situation.
the only fly in my ointment at the moment is that unlike you, jay, my bf is more of a fly-by communicator, i.e. he's online most of the day and night, and chats/IMs me when he gets a chance.
while there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and frequency of these chats is not the issue, and i appreciate them very much, i have a different kind of schedule and so is the nature of my work very different from hi, and i am only ever online on skype/yahoo/msn/googletalk primarily for him. so i do need a scheduled element as well, and what i ask for is a regular time each week when we can have a nice long voice chat. i look at these times as the equivalent of a date.
unfortunately - and this is my bf's only major flaw as far as i am concerned - he simply does not have any concept of time. he truly doesn't, and has admitted as much in the past, and has said that it was an issue in his past relationships. he can work for more than 24 hours straight and not even realize all the hours that have gone by. i have seen him do it. he is one of those rare (in my experience) westerners who is almost always late. every time we have been together for visits and holidays, i would say 8 times out of 10, i would be waiting for him at the door, ready to leave for whatever event before him, OR he has kept me waiting for him to show up.
i have been brought up to believe that being late is disrespectful of the other person's time. professionally and personally, it's unforgivable. of course there are exceptions and perfectly good reasons for delays, but those exceptions had better be amazing (i.e. life and death reasons!).
last week i told him i had given up on the idea that we could maintain our allegedly "usual saturday calls" - i honestly can't remember a time they occured more than two weeks in a row. i was defeated, and tired of trying. to his credit, he wanted to prove me wrong and keep things positive and optimistic, so he set a time when we would be online yesterday. furthermore, if for whatever reason we weren't online at the appointed time, he would then text me to let me know if we had to get online later...whatever. this was for flexibility: in case i decided to stay out later with my son/friends, or in case he had errands to run, we had some flexibility. no problem for me, i'm all for flexibility - i was just so happy he was really making an effort to make this happen.
the appointed time rolled around, and i was online. five, ten, thirty minutes passed - he was online but status was "away". and i noticed that he'd go offline intermittently - but this is not unusual, as he sometimes has power fluctuations, and has had connection problems recently (has to do with switching providers). i figured - never mind, i will remain optimistic, maybe he's still asleep, i will not jump the gun and text first, i will give him a chance.
long story short: 3-1/2 hours later i am frankly worried - did he get mugged on the way home from work friday night (btw this happened to a friend's son in the u.k. recently, and i am not a paranoid, worry-wart sort of person), and his mobile has been stolen? has something happened to a family member? is he ill? you know...your mind starts filling in blanks and making excuses. by this time i have left some brief messages on skype. at 3-1/2 hours though i finally break down and i text him. what if something bad has happened?
turns out he did in fact have connection problems at home, so decided to pop into the office instead. but by the time he decided to tell me this via text, it was *4*-1/2 hours past our original time.
if he had just sent one little text at the appointed time - any text at all - "can't get online now, will do so in xxx time" - anything! - then i could have made alternate plans, or simply have been saved 4-1/2 hours of waiting and, ultimately, disappointment.
please understand that this is not the first time it has happened. i also realize that there are far worse problems to have. but the truth is i am weary. it may seem like a small thing, but like so many small things, they are often indicative of a big thing, like reliability, and the simple yet profoundly important ability to do what one says one will do.
ok, vent over. thanks for reading. i love him, but i'm just sad at the moment. i've emailed him about it (just following our recent advice in this thread, ladies!).
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tia
20 yrs ago
AMEN SISTA! VOR, if I could count the times he has said he would be around and was not, or was insanely late...well, it'd be a pretty big number!
What really stuffs me is when he complains that he is up too late during the week and it sounds like he is blaming talking to me as the reason. He is 2 hours ahead of me. At night, I am home, usually and online. If I am out or he is out, we know, and plan accordingly. I understand the need to unwind at the end of the day, have your quiet time and all that. I do. I need it. I also look forward to talking to him and it hurts when he pops up just before he wants to go to bed, claiming how tired he is...usually after having watched a movie or something.
Flexibility is good and I am ok with that as well. Our nights are pretty flexible and if one is not around, we know. If he is Soooo tired, why not pop up earlier, have a chat and get to bed early enough? Frustrating. Truly. Worse yet, we'll be chatting and he will comment that he saw my new pictures online or read something funny that he wanted to share...because he has been on the PC for an hour or so but did not log in to talk. GAH! That irks me more. We do not have the added luxury of SMS as he is dead-set against mobiles, so other than ringing him to ask WTF is going on, I have to wait. I hate waiting.
VOR, I will admit that this problem of ours is getting better, as I have emailed him a couple of times during the day, stating that I too was hoping to get to bed early and would appreciate contct earlier. Seemed to work...and I hope it keeps working. :-)
The communication is the ONE thing that we need in any good relationship but it seems infinitely more important to the LDR, as we don't SEE them. If they were home every night, with us, maybe we would not talk as much, but at least they would be there. This is my *being there* and I hate it when the time is short.
Good luck, VOR! Keep us posted!
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LDR's are so difficult!!! aghhhh I have been in a relationship with my bf for the past 16 months and a majority of the time has been long distance. I live in China and he lives in Australia. Lately he has been asking if i would consider moving back to Australia to be with him. In Some ways i do want to but on the other hand it will mean that i have to give up everything i have here, great job house pay etc to being back to a normal lifestyle. I don't know if i am ready yet. Has anyone given up their life to be with someone else?
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VOR, yup!!! The least he could do is to drop you the little message! But then again, that's with men....they don't understand and for women, we seemed to be nags! But then again, men are built differently. With LDR, it makes it harder sometimes
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In my case, we talk every night and shortly email several times in a day.
He calls me many times also when he's so tired or just calls me quickly before going out with his friends / colleagues. But the most annoying thing is that it happens also when I am in desperation and need for his attention. If I were him, I would stay a bit longer to comfort my partner because the other activities are anyway just entertaining, so what if he just stays a bit longer with me and comes a bit later to the dinner? That's my logic but it seems not his.
My desperation or stress mainly comes from being sick and tired of the distance. When I have problems at work, I just want to have him beside or to cuddle in his arms. But that's almost impossible for an LDR. And that makes me more desperate.
And it just escalates further and further. You're stressed at work and more stressed because of being apart from your significant one and even more stressed when you get grumpy with you bf knowing that he does not deverve your grumpiness. That's just terrible!
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wildorchid, know what you mean. I've been there and survived it. That's why it's very important to make trips to see each other as often as you can. I've lashed it out on poor husband many a times and the poor guys, doesn't even know what hit him in the face!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Very true Wildorchid. Very true.
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I feel so great to have you all here understand exactly how I feel. I know it because I also feel the same when reading your posts.
Sometimes I am just wondering if it's a matter of our cultural or gender differences. I've been trying to analyse it in order to make us closer because if it's cultural differences, then I can learn about his culture and I may be able to accept things more easily. But if it's the gender differences, then it's another question and I will have to find a way to deal with that.
Pity that we don't have (many) posts from guys in LDR to shed some light on our concern. We might be then understand our partners better from men's side. Don't you think so?
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Wildorchid, don't think it's a cultural thingy. My husband and me are from Spore. Think it's being a man thingy more than anything else!
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tia
20 yrs ago
That would be nice, yes. They tried to start an LDR thread on the Relationship place, but it did not seem to take.
Cultural? I would doubt. Gender? HOI BOY YEAH! Men...well....sometimes...they just don't get it. I find that with the b/f, telling him does at least get a response and then he KNOWS.
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men...husband asked once what i wanted for birthday and i said nothing and true enough for birthday, i got nothing! I threw a fit and he simply said, you said you wanted nothing for your birthday and why are you angry?'
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tia
20 yrs ago
HAHA! sunniefaith, not to toot my own horn, but you should go to the CRAP GIFTS thread in relationships to see what I got for MY last birthday. *sigh* Men!
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It's paradoxical with our men. Maybe they are not sensible enough, they just don't get it even when we tell them exactly what we want, not to mention about any implication! But once we tell them what we want or how they could do to make us happy, then they think either we are so demanding or commanding! Sometimes it just freaks me out on the spot but cracks me up later on when thinking about what has happened.
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Oh yes! tia got a pool of 50 CDs, as I remember? Guys are really weird and lovely at the same time! I hope if guys read these words of mine they will not get angry:-))
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Well, that's man for you. When I tell girls about this incident, the reaction would be, 'how could he?'Then when I tell guys about this incident, to them, it's not a big deal since i wanted nothing
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Hi all.. first thing first, i am so glad that to be here in this chat. i am gg thru the pitfalls of a LDR. Just that i need some help in 'deciphering' what he is trying to tell. I am in shanghai (nope, i'm not a local), and he is dublin. i flew over there for Xmas and NY. we've been together for 4mths, but its not the qty BUT the quality of our r/s. In 4mths, we only spent 1mth physically together - 2weeks with him being in Shanghai and 2 weeks of me being in dublin for the xmas and ny.
since he left shanghai, we have been emailing regularly and msn every night. hence why i went up to dublin to spend the hols with him instead of heading back to my home country. everything was fantastic during the dublin trip. we get to do couple stuffs etc. and now that i am back in shanghai, he felt that the distance is too much for him to bear and he wants to be friends now. but heres the thing, right up to the CNY period, he was still lovey-dovey in his emails and msgs, but the next day, he woke up and decided to be friendly then romantic.
and i asked him etc, and he said that its easier for him to deal with me as a friend than a gf. he is currently finishing his Thesis and wld be able to leave Dublin anytime in May. And he has mentioned that Shanghai is one of the place that he will come to to start his career (and our r/s) HOWEVER he is not able to promise me anything. I have written him an email saying that i cant do friends with someone whom i still have feelings for. He is pretty much insistent abt us feeling friends and now the ball is in my court to make that decision. He has reinstated many times that 'distance is our real enemy'.
I understand how it feels when the guys sometimes just give very ambiguous replies, and as girls we tend to analyze or even over-analyze their replies etc. I wld like to hear what you think, i am so tired of analyzing his mails etc. BTW, this is my first in LDR.
My qns: what shld i do? Shld i try to be friends with him even though i still have feelings for him? What is he trying to tell me?
Sorry for this lengthy email. just needed to get this out of my system.
Once again, thanks for any inputs you can offer.
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QWERTY, sorry to hear about your dilemma. if you ask for my first gut reaction, it's "uh-oh, sounds like he's hedging".
just the phrase "he is not able to promise me anything" is a red flag. it sounds as if he wants to keep his options open when he leaves dublin after his thesis is done. he's not even sure to come to shanghai after that. in the meantime, he's asking you to remain his "friend".
sorry but i think it sounds like a cruel situation for you - he knows you still have romantic feelings for him, and yet he's asking you to still be only a friend, with no guarantee that he will rekindle your romantic relationship.
you are already sure you can't be just friends with him. i think you know the conclusion.
i say stop torturing yourself and over-analyzing his mails. in your pain you will fill in blanks with speculations that do not exist.
so sorry about your situation. but wait and hear what others say, they may be more optimistic.
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wildorchid, SO true - it would be great to have more guys' opinions and thoughts here but...oh well! it's just not a man thing to share their feelings and especially emotions on such matters. which is why, in answer to that earlier question: i think our differences with our LDR honeys is definitely due more to a gender thingy (i like that word too sunniefaith! haha) than a cultural thingy.
everyone should check out tia's classic CRAP GIFTS thread, it still makes me laugh to remember it. ;-D unfortunately, in the case of gifts, the burden is clearly on us women. we have no choice but to either train them in the art of mind-reading, painstakingly use pavlovian reward-and-punishment methods over the years...or just say straight out what it is we want. not so romantic, but hey, at least our expectations will be exactly met. and they can't get us on a technicality! ;-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
QWERTY: Welcome.
Oh dear. I hate to say that WildOrchid may be right, but I think she is. He sounds like he is hedging, holding on to you but not being totally committed. I am not saying he is a player and wants to find someone else,but that is sort of what it sounds like. Once you are a couple, you can't go back to holding hands. You can't just turn things off at will.
PLus, if you are not sure that he will pick up where he left off, why would you hang around?
VOR: Valentine's Day is coming...I'm waiting for the Jewel Cases! ;-)
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Kelly K, best of luck to you! that's great that you two will be together after all. i hope all the trials you went through being apart strengthens the reality of being together. are you leaving asia?
tia - hahaha! you better tell him EXACTLY what color/type jewelry cases you want for those dvd-r's. he might turn up with a bunch of zip-up contraptions with those plastic sleeves inside. ;-)
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do keep us posted - it would be nice to hear that someone made the brave leap, and landed well. :-)
i met my bf the same way - went to his country for a mutual friend's wedding, where we met. i intended to only have a fling, but...here we are, one year later. believe me, my friends and family say i'm crazy too, to be in this LDR. they like him and all, but very few of them are convinced it will last. that's why this thread is a little haven for me.
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why do so many people doubt that it can last when you explain to them that you are in a long distance relationship. I am a guy and my bf and I are going really strong! Sometimes it is extremely difficult of being apart but for those brief moments that we are together makes all the pain go away.
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tia
20 yrs ago
VOR: Thanks for the laugh! 3 months later, I can laugh now. HA!
Kelly and VOR: Coincidence or what? I met mine the same way...went to Aus for a friend's engagement party, met the b/f, meant it to be a fling and 2 years later....here we are.
Kelly: I wish you all the best of luck. I am not even that brave to make the leap. I hope that your move is for the best. We look forward to updates.
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hi all, thanks.. i supposed that he is reali hedging. its kinda weird when in the beginning he was all abt being positive, whereas i am the negative one. and now out of the blue, the tables have turned. geez, we can never understand guys, just like guys can never understand us girls.
oh well, i supposed i just to take this time to learn to move on.. and to reali think if i wanna stay friends with him or not. the ball is in my court now. and as expected, he hadnt email or text me since the last mail from him.
PS: it doesnt help that i am his first girlfriend! sighz...
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KellyK, all the best...Keep us posted!
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Kelly, you never know until you tried it, isn't it? I hate to go through life with regrets and thinking of the what ifs....Go for it! Try to make it work!
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I have posted on this thread before but just to update you I have been in a ldr for three and a half years, we speak every day and see each other as much as possible I have been over to the states and he comes over here for work.
Now he has got a job here which is fabulous and what we have been hoping for but then the bomb is dropped... He is not actually divorced from his wife, just seperated(I stayed in his house so I know they weren't living together) and she has major health problems which mean she cannot work so is covered on his insurance. So now he is coming over here so is she, I have been dealing with this for three days and am still in a deep state of shock, anger and sadness about the whole thing.
I know he loves me but he was just too gutless to tell me the truth and he feels this huge duty to his wife, which in a weird way I admire. But this leaves me out in the cold after wasting all these years on what was a false hope.
I don't need any advice but some support would be great or am I the dumbest woman alive?? If you think so please be nice about it
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trapezeartist, that is AWFUL, i am so sorry to hear it! <:-( i can only imagine how bad you are feeling now. you have all my sympathy. i won't give advice about what has passed, only about the future. you will be very vulnerable when he arrives in your city. you probably don't feel it now but be strong and resist continuing to see him.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Oh sure pumpkin, rub it in...19 days today. :)
Trapezeartist: I am sorry to hear that this happened. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I would sit him down and get to the bottom of things..find out what is happening with their divorce (as pumpkin said), what his plans are for the future and what will happen with you.
I would try to not view it as a waste of time, as i am sure you had many good times together and therefore, it was not a waste so to speak.
We are here whenever you need someone to talk to, to vent to or to just listen. *hugs*
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>tia: it was vor who said that ~qwerty~'s bf was hedging although I have the same feeling.
>~qwerty~: it might be that after spending some time with you he found out that you are not for each other but he really wants to remain in friendship with you. Especially when he has the intention to move to Shanghai after his thesis, it's very convenient to have a friend there, isn't it?:-(
>keely K: That's definitely a brave decision from your side. I'd made my similar decision to move in with my honey few months back, but still cannot do it. I hope after overcoming the dilemma I'm in right now (another thread on When do you wnat to have a baby), I'll make the same step like you're doing now.
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hi, santasgirl - it's really nice to hear about LDRs that worked out.
a belated hi to what_the?? :-) 16 months is a long time. when do you have to make a decision re moving to join your bf?
pumpkin, the luckiest duck of all! so glad your weekend went well :-) ...very true that trapezeartist should not consider the past three years a total waste - she just needs to put those years in a different prespective, now that the outcome of that LDR will be either different or delayed, from what she had been expecting.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Kelly K and santasgirl - glad to hear that you two have made up your mind and move to your bf's country.
It is not a easy situation, I am in the same boat. It would be great if you two can share here or send me a PM explaniing more you guys situations or backgrounds. Your story may help me to make my decision easier :)
Thanks!
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tia
20 yrs ago
SLightly ironic, I would say that the birthday of this thread is Feb 14th. :)
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Please share with me too! I will also have to make that decision and would love to learn from your experience!
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rats
20 yrs ago
As you girls have heard about my recent problem in my LDR,I tried to be patient and give my boy time to reply e-mail to me. He had promised me that he would reply within 48 hours, 48 hours had passed and he didn't manage to reply my e-mail (over-estimated himself). I did try to suppress my anger, required him to send out whatever he had written and gave him the weekend to think it over and finish the e-mail to me.
guess what happen? he went back visiting his parents for the weekend and went out with his brother and friends for clubbing. of course he wan't able to finish my e-mail :(
I know it is not a big deal, but it still hurt me so much. For he never keep his words... how I can be convinced that really do care? (well, I know he cares and loves me a lot, but does not have the abilities to show it through his behaviour somehow.....sigh...is he normal?)
Vor and tia will probably understand what I am talking about...
Gladly, I forced him to tell me what he had prepared/bought me for the V-day and it did gimme some comfort that he did prepare something for me :D
In return, i didn't prepare anything for him as a punishment for our recent issues. Am I being too mean?
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thanks for your support ladies and as much as the thought of seeing him is going to kill me, I do need to get some things straight, sitting here going slightly nuts with all the questions is not going to get me anywhere.
I know it is not time wasted but I am just so bloody, angry, depressed, upset and cheated.
but thanks girls, I really appreciate your kind words
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin- maybe you are right. On one hand I keep thinking my fiance is not mature to handle the relationship,on the other hand, I have not shown him a good example and start to join him. In spite of loving each other a lot, we constantly do things that are destructive. You may think I am sick, I want him to know and feel my pain, then he may become a little bit wiser. What's the difference between parents give some hard time to their kid and make them learn their lessons and what I am doing now?
My bf actually did say what you just said,except for the giving up trying part. He feels his effort has not been recognised/credited as much as he would like to. And I got pissed as I think he only wanted to be recognised for the little effort he has done and thought it can wash away all the wrong deeds beforehead and ignore the great harm he has done.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well, Rats, I can understand the being upset bit over his lack of communication and him not living up to his word. I get that and I agree you have the right to feel hurt by that. Sadly, this behaviour is very common for some men and women as well. They are bad at communicating and keeping promises. You told him what you needed him to do and he failed this time. Be mad at that, but not at everything else. Talk to him about that.
However, I have to agree with Pumpkin that not doing something special for him makes him feel like he is in a lose-lose situation, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia, :) Thanks. I may prepare him a belated V-day present.
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tia
20 yrs ago
That is a very true statement, Pumpkin. I made a comment the other night on MSN about being very happy and appreciative of something the b/f did for me and that me made me smile. Certainly made someone turn on the emotional switch bc he was quite sweet after that, more so than usual.
I also think that booking the ticket for summer helped! ;)
Rats: Good luck with Valentine's Day!
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Kelly_K, go to the upper left hand corner of your screen. under your name you will see "Home" and "Control Panel". click on Control Panel. :-)
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Kelly K, that's so true. I've just realised what you rightly said now when I was risking of losing my honey. I have to try hard now to save our relationship.
I wish all of us who are in LDR have a happy end eventually.
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To all in LDR, have a wonderful VD even though it might sound hard. Just bought my hubby his present...tickets to Oasis concert...
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hi all.. just some update on mine... well i mentioned that the ball is in my court to decide if i wanna stay friends.. as such i have finally replied to his last email telling him that yeah lets stay as friends etc.. he replied saying that he is thinking of doing his thesis! and its 3yr full time.. gee... well i guess its even more obvious that he is hedging and doesnt have a clue as to what he wants...
i wldnt say i have gotten over that.. but yeah i am still trying.. just sent him an v-day ecard.. and wish him fun if he has a date tmrw.. and sadly i dont have a date tmrw... sighz...
well this is the update of D and me at this point..
on a chirpier note, i am glad this thread was born.. its kinda like a support grp for those who are or thinking of pursuing a LDR...and its also a place where one can deal with the pitfalls of LDR.. what can i say? reality bites, and it bite real bad!
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Qwerty, think you did the right thing. Life goes on but at least you know where you stand at this point of time. Cheer up!
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tia
20 yrs ago
QWERTY: As hard as it may have been, I think you will be ok and this was the best choice. I hope it works out for the best for you, how ever that may be.
Happy Valentine's Day all! *hugs*
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rats
20 yrs ago
Kelly K, I never set him the deadline, but he mentioned it! And after he failed to keep the 48 hours, he apologised and said he would make it over the weekend for sure! And yet he failed again. It is about expectation and disappointment. He gave me false expectation, I was so looking forward to read his e-mail after our bad argument but there is nothing! Not only once but twice in a roll!! As Tia said, little things can somehow be an indicator of the big things. If one can't even make an effort to finish the e-mail, I can't start to doubt a little, how sincere he really is and how much he cares about me or the relationship. If we are at our good times, I may try to let go as I always did. But in the past two months we are having our bad times, to a point that I even wanted to call off the wedding. I guess it is kinda the last chance that he can prove his determination and sincereness to make me the one in his life? How reliable is he?...
Pumpkin- I did use the happy/unhappy training method. But I only use 'unhappy' statement lately. Instead of stop doing things that upset me, he can only feel bad about himself and apologise. He always said he didn't want to lose me and I am the one who have to choose - take him or leave him.
And I am learning to totally embrace him as who he is just like he does to me.
Anyway, we talked on phone yesterday and it turned out to be fine, tough he still hasn't sent me the e-mail he promised :P
Happy V-day to everyone here~
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Hi gals! Just wondering whether you're still using Email to communicate with your honeies while MSN, SKYPE could be so much easier and much more frequent?
Before MSN got populor enough, my BF and I had rather frequent and close communication via Email, say twice a week per person. But now, we use SKYPE and MSN more than Email correspondence. More or less, I miss Emails, and tried to write him something from time to time when I remember to do so. However, he hardly ever reply; or hardly ever have time to reply...busy with studies during the week and when he's freer, we have online-dates.
When we're chatting ear to ear, what we talk about could be more practical than sentimental. My question is will you gals still email/be emailed by your BFs when you can hear his voice through internet twice/3 times a week?
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AS mentioned earlier, we talk ear to ear every night and email several times/day. Some serious issues we still email to give our partner some time and space to think over.
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tia
20 yrs ago
We use MSN nightly and have a *date* set up tonight to webcam. We phone once in a while, often at the weekends. Now that he is strapped in a desk job, I get the odd emails during the day which is nice. I tend to email about bigger, time-to-think issues.
Have thought about Skype, but his PC is rather crap, so for now...no.
Rats: If *he* set the deadline to respond to you, I would be a little concerned as well. If *you* set it, I would perhaps be a little more forgiving. Tough call.
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Hey everyone!
what is everyone doing today to make themselves not feel so low?? Today sucks as i can't be with my bf
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rats
20 yrs ago
What the ?? I am not doing anything.
what about setting up an online date with you bf as Tia does?
Tia- *now* you know what i am talking about :)
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what the??--V-Day isn't anything special, just some normal day as usual. If there's anything special of this day, spend it with your BF, be it online or through the phone.
Doing something today?...It's just some commercial promotions!
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That is a good way of thinking about it! and it does help! Thanks.
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Well, had dinner with husband tonight. Probably one of the few times that we do get together for VD. Next VD, I'll prob be in HK while he in Spore. Hope you girls had a good VD.
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tia instead of buying him printer cartridges, you shouls be buying him more memory for his computer to make it faster...
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rats
20 yrs ago
flabb- I need to buy one to install it to my bf's brain, esp. connecting to the 'communication/relationship' part. :(
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tia
20 yrs ago
Oh Rats, if WE could make a PC chip to turn our b/f into perfect b/f's...I think we would all want one. :)
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my dear LDR comrades - a belated happy valentine's day and LDR thread 1st birthday! big hugs to all who seek help, support, and comfort here, like i do :-) ...and a big THANKS from the bottom of my heart to all of you who give it.
i thought yesterday was going to be one of the worst v-days ever (have been having communication probs with the honey) and it turned out to be one of the best. in a nutshell, honey doesn't want to give up - so for now i'll take my conviction and perseverance from him. he sent the loveliest flowers and way too much chocolate but most importantly he wrote a card whose message i'll always treasure, no matter what happens in the future.
sent my parents and two of their friends to a v-day concert here: andy williams! :-D (anyone remember him? he's quite old now so i's more likely your parents would - he was an extremely popular american singer in the 60s and early 70s).
spent the nicest evening with my son (my original valentine!) and some of our closest friends. had a wonderful dinner out, loooooong catch-up conversation, and we made plans for a bunch of us families to go to boracay next month.
so, as it happened my valentine's day was about all kinds of love - romantic, filial, friendship...i had a lot to be thankful for. once again: thanks to all of you for being in this wonderful thread. my challenges with the honey are far from over, but fortunately this thread exists as an important source of wisdom.
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tia
20 yrs ago
VOR, sounds like a perfectly spent day. Glad it was a good one for you.
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rats
20 yrs ago
vor- a great day for you!
I don't need a perfect boy either, just a smarter one :P
I had a bad v-day :( well, it wasn't a bad v-day as v-day was already over when we managed to talk to each other (still v-day for him though)
...........
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rats
20 yrs ago
Kelly K, lol :) that's is what I am trying to do, to distance myself. I really dunno how to carry on. So need to take a break (mentally)
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VOR, glad to hear that you had a great V day!
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hi Kelly_K - no matter how much they disagree with you and don't emotionally support you now, they would hate it even more if you stopped confiding and keeping in touch. in fact, if things did not work out with your bf, they'd be only too happy to have you back in the family fold. yes, you might have to endure a few "i told you so's". but don't let pride stand in the way of family communication, even if these are disagreements for now. just don't be the first to cut them off. in the meantime, you could try setting some groundrules - tell them you'll continue to confide in them only if they devote as much time to listening as to lecturing. the goal is to keep the lines of communication open, or at least to not be the one to shut the door.
it's really difficult, i know. but for the long run it's really best not to isolate yourself from friends and family over a guy. and it is only through you that they can come to love him too.
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Kelly, family is always family. You should still make your decision and keep to it. But at the same time, do keep in touch with your family. Family will always be there for you. Don't cut them off
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pumpkin!!! what is this, only the *umpteenth* visit this year?! lucky girl, you must be grinning from ear to ear. :-D will he stay the whole weekend, or beyond?
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"here" as in the thread, you mean? of COURSE you should be here - we need you! ok, ok, my selfishness aside...we need positive/alternative posts to balance out the negative/challenging ones. :-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Jeepers Pumpkin! He should just move here...ha ha ha! Too bad he is not here between March 4 and 18 when mine is here. *That* would be interesting... :)
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia and Pumpkin, good for both of you! :)
You girls make me jealous :P
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia- almost forget...would like to thank you for the sweet note at another thread. It would be nice to meet up some days :)
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tia
20 yrs ago
COuntdown....15 days. Have appointment with SoT on March 1 to get waxed. Should book in with Joyce to get facial as well. Was invited to a Tram Party the night he arrives. Gee...thanks...but...NO!
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia- it seems there are lots of work hahaha :)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well, the make me look like a girl, yeah, it takes time... :)
Rats: most weekends, lately, it seems, I am out and about on Friday night. Tonight, it is the Vagina Monologues and then home, as I have a rather insane social weekend. I'll drop you a PM sometime with contact information. Hope all is going well with you and that you solved some of the problems.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well, to make me look like a girl, yeah, it takes time... :)
Rats: most weekends, lately, it seems, I am out and about on Friday night. Tonight, it is the Vagina Monologues and then home, as I have a rather insane social weekend. I'll drop you a PM sometime with contact information. Hope all is going well with you and that you solved some of the problems.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia, Vagania Monologues? I watched it at the USA 2 or 3 years ago. It was great! esp. the discussion section :)
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jay2004 - i have two questions:
- what are your reasons for not getting married now?
- exactly when do you see yourself marrying your girlfriend? i am assuming she is The One for you.
how old or young she feels doesn't matter - what matters is that she wants to marry you now.
if you love her but don't actually want to marry her, let her go. OR, if you know she IS the one you want to marry, you need to get engaged and give her a date.
just my two cents' worth.
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The thread looks already more interesting with jay2004's post. It used to be one dimentional for quite a long time since there were posts from girls in LDR only.
I agree with VOR. To get engaged is the best solution for both of you in this case.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well, Jay, I have to respect a man who is never late. :)
I too am curious about your reasons for not wanting to marry this gal you love. Do you see yourself marrying her? Hoenstly?
Family pressures can add too much to a relationship and I am sorry that you feel that way. If her family wants her to get married, that is undo pressure on you, esp. if you say you are not ready.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Ok,Annie..rub it in. :)
I have 10 days to go and getting more impatient as each day drags it slow arse on.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin and tia- nice that you girls keep the thread going! :)
Wildorchid- how's thing been doing? problems of wanting a baby and the other LDR issues wih your man are settle?
I haven't had a solution yet. My boyfriend still can't dliever me the e-mails he has promised. However, to a certain extent he has his reasons - although I have decided to put the whole wedding on hold and will seriously do all the review and talk things out when we two meet face-to-face, it doesn't mean we should stop all the contacts and forget about our daily chitchat. It is important to talk about our problems and have the e-mail I want, but we should keep on communicate with one another even before he is ready to talk about the 'sensitive issues'. I honestly thought about stop contacting him before he can deliever what I want as we ended up arguing on phone every time over the same issues. But then I realise it is a no-go and can only be destructive. Yesterday it was the first time we hadn't argued for weeks. Hope it is a good sign.
jay2400- have you solved your problem with your gf?
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rats
20 yrs ago
Kelly K- things are cool with your parents now?
I know how it feel...as the girls said, 'family will always be family'. Just be patient, your parents are not blind, they will feel how much you love your boy, how happy you two are and how much you still love them. Just remember to keep in touch with them, call them, e-mail time or even pay visit as frequent as possible together with your man! Your family will finally get the messages :)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Rats: It is a good idea to disucss weighter matters face to face. It is also good that you are not stopping the relationship totally. I wish you luck.
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Hey rats, thanks for asking! I'm flying out to see my man this friday over the weekend. I'll tell him face to face then my decision to give up my wish to have a baby in order to stay with him. Not sure if he will feel so much responsible for that or he feels happy. Let's see.
Rats, what I have learnt is not to think of stopping the relationship whenever you feel upset or desperate about it. It always takes time to build something but needs a second to destroy it. Thangs are not perfect, so if it's possible, try to look at and look for positive aspects of your man and accept him as he is (in your case, he does not keep his promise to send you the email he set the dealine himself), especially when you said, he has reasons for that.
Luck to all of us!
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Rats, how are you feeling? Hope you're better. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
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Dear fellows,
I've been involved in this relationship with my bf in US since 1999. Yeah, the marathon relationship is unbelievable sometimes. In the first couple years, things worked out fine. I had the strong faith that one day we will be together physically. In the following years, we broke up twice. First time I gave up cause the distance frustrated me so badly. Second time he suggested it cause he couldn't take any more pressure from me. The pressure is mainly about me wanting to get married, which is natural if a woman is truly in love with her man. Somehow, we always managed to get back together and put away the unhappy past. But the longer time I stay with him, the less faith I've had. I don't dare to discuss with him about marriage issue any more, I focus more on my own stuff now. He has been busy with his graduate school as well. We communicate less and less. I no longer feel passion. Recently I even feel attracted to someone else over here. What shall I do?
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hi vic2430...sorry to hear your LDR isn't working out. although i am in one myself, i'm going through a "limbo" period at the moment, in terms of my feelings for him.
just the fact that you "don't dare" speak with your bf about your heart's desire, which is marriage, is a sad, bad sign. you two gave the LDR every effort over the years, but now you two are drifting apart. and you've lost that lovin' feeling, as the song goes. <:,-( i know how that feels....
my vote is to explore this new interest of yours. you deserve to have a relationship with someone who IS available to you, in every way.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Hi Vic2430! As VoR said, if you are unable to discuss your wants and needs with your partner, you should re-evaluate where you are and what you BOTH want. If it is ultimately different things...well...perhaps it is time to pursue other options.
I do agree with VoR. If you have truly fallen out of love, or the those loving feelings are harder to bring to light and you no longer feel passion, it is probably time to move on....as much as I hate to say that.
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tia, that's exactly how i felt as i was typing my earlier post: "...as much as i hate to say that." am trying very hard at the moment to hang on and just float along - i am in "wait and see" mode. not my style at all, and very alien for me. i'm feeling really discouraged and pessimistic at the moment, growing more numb as each day passes, and yet am not quite ready to end things just yet. :,-( i hope it's just a passing mood, and i'm trying to stay as clear-eyed and objective as possible. i guess i'm afraid to take that final step because once i act, i do so quickly and decisively and never look back.
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rats
20 yrs ago
vic2430- I agree with vor and tia that you should talk to your bf and honestly tell him your concern and desire. It doesn't make sense that a 7-year LDR still doesn't allow you two to talk about your feelings/desire openly. Only by putting the issue on the table can there be a chance to settle it.
However, I don't think you should make any rush decision and break up with your boyfriend just because 'lack of passion'. It is quite normal that the passion fades away after such a long relationship. It is also normal that you are tempted or attracted by another person who is nice and physically close to you (I am talking about the geographically distance). Only your bf and you know how much you two still love each other and cherish this LDR in spite of the lack of passion. Talk to your man, vic, and good luck!
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rats
20 yrs ago
sunnifaith- yes, things are getting better. Thanks for asking :D
vor- what happens? still struggling whether the LDR is worth it? Have you talked to your man?
tia- I hate you:P (just kidding) Have a wonderful trip :)
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Well I think a LDR will best work if the guy really wants it to work. We females are very emotional...we get hooked on a guy and try our best to hang on to him bec we have simply fallen in love.
It will never work if HE has not fallen in love and does not see a future with you...
It's all up to them...I know life is quite unfair!
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Thank you all. I've already told him that I feel about him more like friend now. I also told him I would wait till he come visit again to decide what to do about us. I'm afraid to take the break up step, I worry that I might regret afterwards. He became part of my life for the past 7 years. If I get serious with this new guy, what happens if my bf someday finally is ready to marry. It will be unfair to the new guy.
Alisa...you are right. We women are always waiting. Sometimes we wait for the right man show up, other times we wait for their commitment. It's all about waiting. No matter how independent we are mentally and financially, we struggle desperately for a happy ending.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin- yes, things are getting better after taking the 'back-off' approach. I try to separate our problems and our feelings. Instead of letting the problems ruining our relationship. I try to put it aside an give my bf time to figure out his answer, while we both try to further strenghten our bonding and communication. He does try to be more attentive and control his emotions as well. So guess it is a good start :D
Have fun for another short trip with your man. You ladies are so lucky :D
vic2430- The main issue is if you still love your boyfriend. Is it a seven year itch as pumpkin mentioned? or you want to break it off just because he does not want to marry you? or you simply do not love him , have no feeling towards him and do not want any future with him.
You should not take the new guy as a spare and should only start the relationship with him if you are over your current boyfriend. If that's the case, why do you concern if you boyfriend will be ready for marraige one day? ;)
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tia
20 yrs ago
@rats: You hate ME? I am not the one going anywhere. You can hate Pumpkin as her man is in town in 12 hours!! :P (Ok,mine arrives in 9 days, but he is not here YET! You can hate me in 9 days.) Tee hee.
Sadly, I think the bottom line for vic is that she feels she can not TALK to this boy/man. If the passion faded or they are going through a rough patch, I suggest fighting to hang on...but if you can not talk to your partner or do not feel that you have the capacity to talk when need be...well, I fear it will get worse before it gets better.
I am not the type to give up easily, but I have learned over the years when to cut my losses and move on. My time is too precious and so am I! :)
Vic, if he is ready SOME day....how long will you wait for SOME day? Some people are not meant to be in our lives forever. Sure, 7 years is a looong time, I agree, and it would be tough to get over intitally, but how upset will you be if never get what you want from him?
@Rats (again): i am glad to read that some things are getting better for you. I know you are having troubles and I hope you finding a solution that works for you.
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Pumpkin, you grinning jack-o-lantern you, have a wonderful time with your honey! ;-D
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ueasy
20 yrs ago
I don't think it works. MAybe only works until one of you find another. Love need being refreshed day-by-day in real world. be honest to yourself.
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Oh my god vic...I relate to you totally...I some how skipped the last part of this thread as it is a long one when I replied earlier.
I feel the same towards my man as well. We plan to get married this year...I prefer somewhere in the middle but he feels he would be in a better position financially at the end of the year but overall we plan to somehow tie the knott this year..we both feel 8 years is way too long.
Even though I want to get married soon it is purely bec all my friends are married and I feel like an old maid. There is absolutely no passion in our relationship. I have told him that he's my best buddy now...to this he says he feels sad to hear that.
Being the typical guy he is he is not romantic at all these days..well actually he stopped being romantic about 5 years ago...oh but he is sweet and caring always there for me when I need his emotional support...
...but no romance...I think a girl needs some romance in thier life...I mean this v-day...I asked him not to get me anything not even a card as I thought he should not waste his money especially with our wedding this year an all...he initially was gonna get me flowers...and lo and behold! Nothing.
I guess I asked for it. But I somehow ended up sending the most cutest and biggest card I could set my eyes on...and when it was brought up post vday...he said we had an agreement not to spend on each other for vday ....??I mean ?
And he is sooo not into phone s**. I have to beg and beg him...and he says that he is not in the mood...he is too tired...and even says sometimes that I only want him for sex...I am just wondering whether we have got our roles mixed up in our relationship...I mean I am the girl who is supposed to say all these...he hates phone s** by the way...but then there is no excitement in my life...in our relationship...its just like with a normal friendship...
I am actually fantasising about other men these days...*sigh*...life is so complicated I tell ya
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tia
20 yrs ago
Ask and yee shall receive...Sorry to say, but I think you shot yourself in the foot there. Some men will take a "Get me nothing" literally...I would suggest being honest and tell him what you want...if something.
I am sorry that your relationship seems *lulling* and not so thrilling. Nothing wrong with being someone's best friend. If he feels saddened by that, then this is the chance to talk about it, find out how to NOT feel like best buds and HOW to get the spark back in the relationship.
I am not the right person to give phone sex advice, sorry. We don't do it. It is not him or me, it's us both. It does not do it for us and after one giggling attempt, well, we do better in person, I think. And...when it comes to sex, I have yet to be accused of wanting him for only sex...but I am sure that there will come a day. Women in their 30's are hitting a peak..men (some men) may be on a lesser drive than us. Sadly, I have one on the lesser drive. Mine is in overdrive. Oh..this is a whole other thread....
Fantasing is not bad...we all do it sometimes. Do you truly WISH to act on those fantasies? THEN you may have a problem.
Alisa, I wish you luck and all the joy in your marriage. Keep us posted.
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Pumpkin...I'm 27 now, he is 31. I used to be more active in our relationship, we talked about future together all the time. Not sure when we stopped and I should not be the only person in this relationship to care about our problems. He doesn't have as much time for me.
Alisa...I didn't get anything from v-day either. He said he sent out chocolate late, so it's probably still on the way. Yeah, that's probably how long it takes to deliver chocolate in hell. I think he forgot and send out afterwards because I reminded him. I used to ask for specified gifts from him on my occasions, not any more. That is another sign shows that I'm not so in love with him now. And he is not the romantic type, he never surprises me. Relationship is tedious...
Phone sex and web sex used to be our interests together. In the first couple years, it brought us really close. I'm no longer into it, only do it with him occasionally when he asks. Let's face it, real one is way better.
Anyway, very happy to hear you are getting married, Alisa. You are about to end the waiting.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Scrolling through old posts...I made my first one a year ago...
Good advice, Pumpkin. Effort is required on both parts of any good relationship if it is going to work.
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I guess I will have to try harder then. Like I said, can't imagine life without him after so many years. Even if things don't work out later, he will still be my lifetime friend. He knows me very well and usually supportive and we went through lots of things together.
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hi jay2004, i've been very busy too. :-)
you have proposed and she has said yes BUT you two do not have a wedding date...i'm sorry but this is not an engagement. it is still just words. all the more it is not an engagement because you are not yet divorced.
now that you have made your situation clearer, i understand your gf's reasons for wanting a firm commitment.
i don't doubt your good intentions, and i am sure you love each other very much. but you are really asking her to wait an indefinite number of years for your stated plans to become reality. you don't even know when your divorce will come through. and even when it does come, you still haven't set up your business nor gotten a residence permit.
then you have a daughter who doesn't like your gf. may i ask how old is your daughter, and do you have custody of her? if not, do you have visitation?
i have a son, and my position on relationships has always been this: while my own happiness is is top priority, i could never end up with anyone who my son didn't like - because his happiness comprises a big part of my happiness. and who wants to end up with a person who doesn't get along with your kids anyway? however, it is clear that my relationships are my choice and ultimately my decision, and thus my son AND my partner must respect that. your daughter is entitled to her reasons for not liking your gf - by the way, how does your gf feel about your daughter? - but it is your responsibility to define to each of them the terms under which they must accept and interact with each other. you are the one at the intersection - you direct the traffic.
perhaps, since you are in the middle of your divorce, your daughter is simply not prepared to accept that you are moving on with your life. may i ask you to be a little more specific about that situation?
but anyway, back to the original dilemma - since your relationship is compounded by long distance every time you have to go away to renew your visa...i must say i understand your gf's desire to define your relationship more clearly. plus, if she is asian (may i ask your nationalities, or at least your general regions?) then she does have very real and very valid cultural pressures and desires for wanting to get married and start a family of her own. may i ask if her family knows about you and has met you? do they approve of your relationship with her?
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Hi Vic...I am 28 and my bf is 29...it seems we are in the same age bracket...he is my first bf...although I had a fling around 3 yrs ago..over it big time...focused on my man...unfortunately what he gives me is not enough. Funny thing is he seems to think that every thing is hunky dory...men..and here I find myself fantasising about other men since he doesn't make an effort to spice up our lives...
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Hi ladies,
Here is a question. Do you worry about career orientation caused by relocation for your men? In the beginning, we might need to completely rely on our men. No job, no friend, miss family...
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hi vic2004 - that's exactly one of the dilemmas holding me back from joining my bf. i've covered this one in detail in earlier posts...in my case it's the job am worried about. i have friends and family where he is.
bottom line is that i have a nearly perfect set-up here in manila and i don't know if it's worth leaving behind...for him.
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Hey everyone.
Does anyone feel like they start to fight or argue more with the partners while they are away? I have started to notice that my bf and I are starting to argue more now. when we are together we are great , no fights, but since he has been gone for a few weeks we have had a few . I don't know if it is because we miss each and it hard being away or what? stopping the relationship is not a situation we want?
Does this happen to anyone else?
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voiceofreason... you are very lucky to have your family around, I worry about no one takes care of my parents when I'm gone. If I don't find a new job I like over there, I won't be happy. Life is never perfect.
Whatthe??...Arguing when you are apart is totally natural. I used to argue with my bf sometimes, main reason is always the misunderstanding by conversation over the phone. We always manage to be sweet again. In my opinion, you need to confront the reason you fight and try to deal with it.
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hi what_the?? you're just missing each other, and distance is always a stress point. it's normal. that's why this thread exists - we help each other by pointing out the light at the end of the tunnel ;-)
right now i feel like picking a fight with my bf (i know, sounds really juvenile! :-p ) but have been biting my tongue and trying to take the long view. will see how things go this weekend.
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tia
20 yrs ago
VoR: You are in the same relationship/career boat as me. Exactly. I *love* Hong Kong and I also *love* that crazy boyfriend...but...yeah. Vic, if you scroll back a bit (or do a search on this page of our handles) you will find the discussion we had about career VS men.
Whatthe? : Yes, fighting is natural. I do find sometimes that there are more fights online or via email than in person, as the time we have face to face is short, so who wants to fight? Talking over email and MSN or the like is TOUGH bc things can be taken the wrong way....dangerous. Be sure to state that a comment is meant to be facetious, silly, funny or honest if you are worried about it. My b/f and I are both fairly sarcastic and this has caused problems. I will now type (Oh...catch the dripping sarcasm) after something if I am too worried that he will take me seriously.
ALisa...sounds to me like you need to talk about spicing things up a bit, before things get to the point of no return.
HAPPY FRIDAY LADIES!!!
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happy friday, tia! just a few more days left in your countdown...! ;-)
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rats
20 yrs ago
tia- so happy for you :P
vor- happy again with your bf?
whatthe??- it is normal to argue, esp. usually men are less patient talking over the phone and can lose their temper easily.
vic- we are all more or less in the same boat. Life is always somehow a gamble. You never know unless you make your first step. It all depends on how much you love your bf and your personal value. And who knows? you may get a career eventually after moving to your man's country. Enjoy the advanture (yes, said is easier than done)
Alisa- if he doesn't take the initiative, maybe you have to do something to spice up your love life. He will get the signal and response :)
Happy Friday!! too bad we can't all go and have a drink :P
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tia
20 yrs ago
Well....we are heading out to LKF around 8, if anyone is up for it... :)
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Hi tia and rats...your right...but I am trying to spice things up...like for instance I encourage him to have phone s**...I bought him a really cute and romantic v-card after agreeing not to get anything for each other...these are just recent things...the phone s** of course have been an issue for years...believe me years! Actually when I visited him this year and stayed over for a month with him...s** was very infrequent...I mean "I"always take the initiation and " I " have to beg...same old story...he's too tired...not in the mood...he loves to kiss and cuddle up to me. He is not an impotent guy..I mean he gets it up...but EVEN if he gets turned on he prefer to say no...I mean what the..? I have a weired feeling he thinks I amsusing him...he has actually said this jokingly ...but nevertheless said this...but common...we have been together for 8 god damn years...and we NEED to spice up things....there we many a time we argued over this s** issue when I was holidaying with him...maybe he feels guilty since we are not married yet...errr...driving me nuts thinking about these things...
Other than his low s** drive and lack of romance he is a steady reliable caring guy...
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Alisa...Remember I mentioned about I was expecting the "late-arrival" chocolate? Well, it finally landed. And on the package cover, it says Feb 16 next to his signature. He lied. I told him today over the phone that I'm ok with it even if he forgot, but at least I deserve the truth. Maybe this is not the first he lies, I thought we had mutual trust. I've sensed him cheating before, but when he said no, I trusted him. Maybe I've wasted my best years on him. Very disappointed...
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ok vic2430...i'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad about receiving a late box of chocolates. BUT let's get some perspective here.
so he didn't mail them on or before feb 14th. he TOLD you he'd sent them late right? were you absolutely clear that you expected something for, and on, valentine's day? is this an annual ritual for the two of you? is this the first time he has forgotten, or was late?
in the universe of "lies" this isn't the biggest of lies...so he forgot to send something for v-day, and scrambled the next couple of days to send something. would you rather he had admitted "i forgot", and not sent anything at all? i know you're not happy with him at the moment, but don't start nitpicking at his every fault. you've known him for years...is any of this news to you? <:-)
it's similar to the thing i am always telling my sister about my brother-in-law: "he wasn't a master timekeeper when you married him - 10 years on are you STILL waiting for him to become one?!"
anyway...we women often forget, in the midst of criticizing our men, that perhaps WE are no longer behaving the way we used to when we first met - not exerting the same effort, support and incentives we used to. it takes two...!
for today, just thank him for the chocolates, and enjoy them wholeheartedly. :-)
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vic I think it was actually sweet of him to send you something ...my guy it seems have no plans to even to do that...oh yeah after all we decided not to...just a bit od sarcasm!
It's just a white lie...sweet of him to avoid hurting you and send something pronto when he realised his mistake...give him credit for that!It wont help a LDR if you look at the negative side to all his actions...I am fine one to talk eh?
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hey sweetie ...you've got chocolates! Enjoy!
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Sisters,
Thank you for trying to make me feel better. This is the first time he forgot. Usually I give him direction what to get me on birthday and Christmas, it has always been chocolates on v-day. Don't know how he messed it up. Well, I will forgive him if he says sorry later.
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i have no doubt you love each other. but now that you've mentioned your age gap, here's a tip: i bet she's more worried about YOU getting old! she knows she'll be young enough to get married and have kids for at least 10 more years. but assuming she waits around that long, you'll be a relatively old husband/father. and if things don't work out, i.e. you two don't end up married, she will have wasted some of her best years.
from her point of view, it doesn't look like there is much impetus for you to get married. first of all, you're not even divorced yet, and you already have a child. and like we said earlier, until you set a date, which you can't, you don't have an engagement.
as for your daughter's concern re money, that is very simple to address: you and your gf should sign a pre-nup before marriage, to protect everyone's rights from day 1. but that's getting way ahead of yourselves, as you are not yet divorced.
but you know what? we're getting away from the thread, which is about LDRs...! ;-)
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tia
20 yrs ago
Good Morning All!
Rats: great to meet you! Hope to see you again soon.
Alisa: Oooh..girl, do I feel your sexual pain. I do. Infrequency is my biggest beef when we are together. I mean, really, we are not together 90% of the year...is it WRONG to want more physical actions when together. KEYRIST! We talk every day...talk talk talk talk talk...so when I am with him, I want to be WITH him. I feel like a total sex-fiend because I want it so often and then feel completely un-sexy because he does not want it. Same as you, there is no physical problem with him.
Perhaps, if I had sex with him as much as I think I want it, I would not want it. But is it wrong to want to feel that when we are together after so long apart, that he **WANTS** me? Not just once every 2 days....Can't get enough of me, wants me. Is that asking too much? :)
"Other than his low s** drive and lack of romance he is a steady reliable caring guy..."
Alisa, perhaps you and I are dating the same man! ;) Suits my guy to a T!
Vic: As for the late gift...well, I have to agree with VoR...perspective is good here. He bought something. He mailed it. Ok..it was late, but life gets busy and if this is the 1st time he was late, I'd be cutting him slack.
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hello LDR babes! i hope everyone is having a nice weekend. :-) looking forward to pumpkin's love update - surely another blissful reunion.
hi rats - yes, the honey and i are back on track. he came through for me and we've had some really constructive and loving conversations. life goes on and we're planning short- and long-term events.
what really helps me too: reading through ALL these forums - not just our beloved LDR thread - puts many things in perspective for me. especially when i come across a situation which makes me say to myself "there but for the grace of god go i" - then i touch wood and become all the more appreciative of what i DO have. other situations make me scrutinize or validate my own beliefs, or open my mind to other possibilities and alternative courses of action. i also like it when threads give me insight as to how different people react to different things.
Kelly_K, great questions for people with LDR, age-gap, and career-vs-relationship dilemmas to ask themselves...!
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tia
20 yrs ago
VoR: Glad to hear that life is back on track for you. When is the next meeting?
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tia
20 yrs ago
You forgot to say how modest you are! ;)
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Dear ladies, I have to say goodbye to my beloved LDR community. I am single now! The weekend was so terrible that I thought I could not be on my onw feet anymore. But knowing that I still have you guys here on this forum with your sympathy and full understanding, I am sure that I will be able to get it over and move on.
It was 2-day discussion where he put all what he was thinking about me so frankly for the first time. For the last year, I was wondering why he did not say anything when I was so annoying as I shared with you before, but saying that he accepted me as I was. But last weekend he started blacklisted all the points he did not like. Just 1 example, we became close friends in the beginning because I was the one who dared to give him very straight and neutral comments on issues he shared which in many cases were different from his, so that helped him to have a comprehensive look at everything. He appreciated it so much. That feature of mine hasn't changed but he started to take my comments personally and negatively, thinking that I was or trying to critize him.
If he appreciated my analytical skills before, he hates it now. If he admired my professionalism before, he hates it now (because we used to work for the same Internaltional Group but in different offices). I can go on and on with things like this.
But to be short, he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I know and am sure that not because of a 3rd person. But what I still cannot understand after 2 sleepless nights thinking about it, is if that is the way a loving person treats his beloved woman? Keeping silent about what he dislikes and piles it up until he cannot stand it anymore and just ...it's over!
He did not want to listen to my explaination, arguments. He's just so firm about his decision to get separated.
Well, the only thing I can think of is that I was wrong when I did not listen to my head sometimes. It told me before several times that he did not deserve my love and myself. I always thought that no one is perfect, so I just accepted him as he was, but this is an expensive lesson to me.
I am trying to look at this break up from the positive side that I may find someone else who will be more honest to me and who will ask me to have a baby with him. At least now I don't have to give up my wish to have a baby anymore.
So ladies, I am no longer in your community but I will be here with and for you to show my sympathy and understanding as I've received from you.
>Pumpkin: enjoy your happiness. Glad that everything is going better and better for you. I'm sure that once your bf has more time with you, he'll realise what treasure he has!
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wildorchid!!! i'm so sorry to hear your sad news. BUT you have pointed out the single most important and positive development: you are now free to pursue your goal of having a child, and this time, with someone who wants one too.
a big huge hug and please don't leave the thread, this is for ANYONE who has LDR experiences to share, and you will never lose that.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia- It is great to finally meet you. :)
wildorchid- *hugs* hope you are feeling better. It should be great it you were in HK and we girls could hang out.
For sure there is no room to save this relationship? No matter what, I am so proud of you as you have the courage to leave when it is time. He will know it is his lost one day.
Pumpkin- nice to hear that you have a great time with your man :D
vor- glad to hear that everything is back on track again. best of luck~~
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Thank you all girls. I know that your sympathy is so important for me to get over the situation.
It still hurts so much when I see the places places I've been with him around the city and I guess it takes another month or two to cure the pain. But fortunately that I'm quite busy at the moment with my job and there're also strong moments in my daily life. I'll go out more often now with my friends to get fun again.
I have no intention to leave this forum because what I've gone through might be of some reference for others and I'd be happy to share with all what I can.
So luck to you all, girls! I'll be around. And once again, thanks so much!
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Dear Wildorchid
As someone who got their heart broken not too long ago, I want to tell you that the hurt lessens little by little and although the sadness still hits me, I have started being grateful for many things big and small. Like my friends, a thai restaurant that delivers, and I think the opportunity to now meet someone who truly deserves me.
I wish you luck and we are here for you
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tia
20 yrs ago
Wildorchid! Oh my dear, my heart breaks for you. I am sorry this happened. Please don't leave us. You have theLDR experience (good and bad) and that is invaluable!
**HUGS** Take time for you, be strong and come talk to us when you need to.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Someone said a relationship will usually be more strong and long-lasting if a couple break up and get back together (after thorough consideration)
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Thank you again guys. I'm feeling already better. I feel tranquility in my soul the beauty of which is surprising me so much since yesterday.
It's our denifite break up, Kelly K. I don't think that we would get back together, at least not from my side although I don't feel the hatred toward him.
No experience in getting back to any of my ex. Just wonder how it feels like:-)
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rats
20 yrs ago
wildorchid- sometimes I wonder howcome things can turn so ugly between 2 persons who have loved each other and gone through so much together.
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Agree, rats. I'm just speechless about it.
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rats
20 yrs ago
wildorchid- held your chin up! good luck and we are here for you :)
regis27- from my limited German, your translation is not 100% correct but the meanings are well explained. Good luck to your part three!!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Good points.
Mine is here in 2 days.....2...days....
Provided Qantas does not strike in Brisbane. :(
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia- best of luck~
2 days, lucky you ;) hope you can spice up your s** life with your man when he is here- to make him the 'perfect' one ...lol
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tia
20 yrs ago
HUmmmmmmm............. Is it too late to learn Pole Dancing? :)
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rats
20 yrs ago
:) not at all, for the next visit ;)
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rats
20 yrs ago
Pumpkin- is that a good workout as well? need to lose a few pounds. :D
GL- thanks for asking. 'wait-and-see' approach...
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tia
20 yrs ago
rats? Lose a few pounds? Eh....?
If I had thought of that before, Pumpkin, I might have done so...
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tia
20 yrs ago
Thanks...I am going to work on NOT being sick from Saturday. Pole Dancing will have to wait til Easter! Hoppity hop, lil' bunny...
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jay2004, now i am confused. earlier, you said that you already proposed to your gf, and she has accepted - you just couldn't commit to the date.
now you say you need to prove that she really loves you for you.
so why did you ask her to marry you in the first place? sorry but your two statements do not compute. perhaps i have misunderstood your posts.
i do understand the need not to jump into a second marriage right away. however, you already stated your desire to marry your gf - it is just a matter of setting a date then. two months hence till your divorce, plus - for example - one year's engagement to your gf. you CAN set a date. how long exactly do you need for her to "prove her love" for you? she has been waiting all this time whilst you are in divorce limbo. it seems unfair to shift the sands beneath her feet, when you have - as you wrote - already proposed to her.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia- ok, lose a few pounds maybe wrongly put :P let me put it this way- I need to be more 'fit',esp the mid-section...lol
Pumpkin- it will be so nice if I could borrow it after tia ;) (I know, being too greedy...will try to constrain myelf...)
VOR- this time I guess I understand jay, he loves the woman so he proposed to her and by doing that he kinda soothe her nerve a bit. And yet he wants to to maker sure she is after him and only him, not the marriage or UK passport (I assume), that's why he wants to observe her a bit longer before giving her a futher committment - a actual date of marriage, and utlimately, the marriage itself. If he gave her a fixed date now and she were really a bad woman, she would know the 'deadline', be calculated, be better-prepared and have a greater chance of successfully acting as a 'perfect' g/f till then. Now she does not have a 'deadline', if she is clean, there should be nothing much to worry about; if she is not, she will feel pressure and more easy to show the fawls of any acting/trick. um...does it make sense?
Jay- am I close?
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hi ladies...i guess i'm always on the lookout for conviction, integrity, and accountability: actions to match the words, and the capacity to make and fulfill commitments.
he said he already proposed to her, but wouldn't set the date. in proposing to her i assume he already decided she was the one for him. but if he just said "ok baby don't worry, i'll marry you someday" just to shut her up, well...sorry but that's a different story, and i don't condone that one bit. by anyone, man or woman.
as for her, let's explore our assumptions. if she was such a conniving woman, i.e. after a passport - why would she have gotten involved with HIM in the first place? a not-yet-divorced father, who says all the right words but can't commit to a date? i think there are plenty of single available men out there with the requisite passport...IF that's what she's after.
but we don't know that - hence i suggested an engagement period. if you don't know after one year whether or not this is the person for you, then...i think it says a lot about you, not the other person.
i also have a real problem with people stringing each other along, unwilling or unable to step up to the plate and commit to anything. there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for definitions, boundaries, or commitments - in fact, if more people demanded them, this world would be a happier place to live in. everyone's expectations and deliverables would be clear.
thus i admire people who have guts, bravery, and courage of their convictions - people who can act on their own decisions and assessments, and stick to them.
i hate perpetual hedgers. there is a time and a place for hedging and assessing and judging, but it should be a finite period. at some point a decision must be made.
in jay2004's case - i go back to what i originally said: if you love her and want to marry her, get engaged, and set a date. if not - cut her loose.
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Pumpkin, all fingers crossed for that happy day when you are front and center, where you belong. :-) Actually, fingers crossed for ALL of us here!
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rats
20 yrs ago
VOR- fingers croosed for all of us. but it is so difficult, feeling lonely lately... :(
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rats, girl - you are NOT alone - me too! i am having a VERY weird, odd, lonely, exhilarating, disjointed time, and i have no idea why. something in the water? lots of extremes of emotion going on, with no calm middle ground.
anyway - i thought i was back on track with the honey, but i spoke too soon in an earlier post, because we got off track again. i've decided to put him away in a small compartment at the back of my mind for now because i do not feel like dealing with it, or him, for now - and nor do i have time to.
also, i've been consumed with work, and by some problems i need to solve for my parents, but at least those things have resolutions in the offing.
but oddest of all - i dont know if it's a sign! - for some mysterious reason, over the past week two guys from my past have popped up again. totally unexpected, totally out of the blue, from left field. i have had zero to minimal contact with them since 2004 and before that.
this morning one of them sent me a dead-serious email about meeting me anywhere in the world to revisit our past, to see if he can't persuade me again to MARRY him! :-O *gasp* *hyperventilate*
forget the other guy, i have no idea what he wants and i don't want to know, because he is now married, and that is the end of that for me. he is hinting at marital problems and also wanting to either visit me or meet me somewhere, but NO THANKS, do NOT even go there pal!
i am frankly reeling and a bit discombobulated by it all. i just want to get away with a girl friend and hide out at a spa. you'd think i'd be happy to be reminded that there is a guy out there who still thinks i'm worth pursuing, but the truth is i'm feeling bruised, confused, and a tad cynical at the moment. (and perhaps reading all the swill in the Relationships threads isn't helping me either! :-p eeek!)
what a rant. must have been building up all week. perhaps these two guys have popped back up in order to show me or teach me something about my current situation? from both ends of the spectrum? aaaaarrrgh! i can't think anymore!
good thing am meeting up later with some girl friends, at another girl friend's bar/resto. now THAT is the best company, in the best place, i can think of being with at the moment. wish you all could join me too - will raise a real glass (ok, glassES) in a virtual toast to you!
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rats
20 yrs ago
VOR- :) Maybe they are here to remind you what a wonderful woman you are and what a nice current bf you have.
And you point it out clear here, 10 months ago, I just came back to HK, and was preoccupied with dealing 'reverse cultural shock', job hunting, then adapting the new job and handling the heavy work loading. But now everything is kinda back on track and my minds can wander freely, probably it's the cause of my loneliness...um..maybe it is time to preoccupy myself with another job hunting :)
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hi jay2004. first let me say again that i have no doubt of your love for your gf.
i just don't think you are acting clearly or fairly. reading your latest post, you too are imposing conditional love on her, without also accepting her conditions.
speaking of conditions - i believe that the only unconditional love there is, is a parent's love for a child. i believe in loving a partner (spouse, lover, significant other) as deeply and totally as possible, BUT to love with no conditions means martyrdom. can anyone here really say there is absolutely nothing on earth their partner can do to kill the love and end the relationship between them? be honest. i hate these hypothetical questions, but would you actually die for your partner, in the same way a parent would die for their children?
you obviously do not feel unconditional love for your gf, because you still want to test her, indefinitely, with no end in sight.
and you have not defined what exactly it is she must do to prove her "unconditional love" for you and only you. what exactly must she do or say? do you mean to say that the very act of staying with you indefinitely is the proof? if so, you better tell her that, so she can decide for herself if you are in fact worth waiting for indefinitely.
from what you write above, she also wants to test you, and why not? she has waited for you throughout the least certain part of your life, and now that the end is near you won't set a date. why shouldn't she be wary? i'm just trying to balance things out here. maybe she thinks you just want a maid. maybe she's paranoid she'll be ex-wife number two.
by the way, i agree with you about not getting remarried right away. there are very good reasons for a good long gap. where we disagree is the time frame, or lack thereof, and also the definition of the relationship in the interim. you have asked her to marry you, but you won't get engaged once that is possible.
it seems that you and your gf have a basic disagreement on the definition of marriage itself. she sees it as the culmination of your relationship thus far, and as a sign that you really love her and you meant what you said when you asked her to marry you. is there something wrong with that? you ASKED her to be your wife, she wants to become your wife. you, on the other hand, see it as a condition she is imposing on your relationship. well then why did you ask her in the first place?
so i guess what i am saying is: do not demand unconditional love when you yourself are not prepared to give it, and you shouldn't have asked her to marry you without also telling her the conditions and timetable under which that happy event would occur. anything other than that is just...words.
listen, best of luck. let me bring this back to the spirit of the original thread, which is LDRs - we're going off on a lot of different tangents here. whatever the outcome, i am sure the LDR aspect isn't making things any easier. so all the more i hope you can be clearer and more honest and have faith in each other.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Can't really say anything that the others didn't already say.
On that note...am off to the airport! :) He arrives at 1740! He's here for 2 weeks, so if you all don't hear from me.... :D
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tia, have a wonderful time! :-D
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rats
20 yrs ago
the LDR thread is getting pretty quite. probably everyone has their problem solved and enjoying the tranquility of their relationship?
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hi rats! ummm...i wouldn't say all problems solved - on the contrary! for myself i would say it goes up and down, and hopefully the ups still outweigh the downs.
i had a very big down period last week, but yesterday somehow my bf came through, we struggled a bit, plowed through the conversation, and came out the other side of it.
now my next trip to see him (next month) is confirmed! :-D
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tia
20 yrs ago
Tranquilty? Sure. Why not?
I was told I could not post for the weekend by *someone* as the bf arrived Saturday night. Tis good to have him here and I am glad that he is here. Some talking needs to happen here as well, and I know it will, as we can talk and talk well. Personally, I would like a little more action.
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if there's anything i know to be truer and truer as i get older, it's "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and "count to 10" - which in real life means waiting an hour, a day, or even a week before reacting...it's amazing how things do work out, without my having a cow! ;-) i used to be so much more control-freakish in my 20s, and a fat lot of good it did me. am much more serene and patient now. oh! and another thing that is so true: "it's not about you". very liberating. :-)
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sorry jay2004, but the more you go on and on arguing about the definition of love, the truth is you are just avoiding dealing with your issues head on. you talk about love, but only on your terms. she is being clear as to the one thing that would make her happy - marriage - and in the same breath as asking her to marry you, you also deny it and use it against her as some sort of warped proof that she DOESN'T love you. i think she's proven her love for you - although i doubt her good judgment getting involved with a not-yet-divorced father who won't commit to words he has already said to her - it's you who is delaying, doubting, and demanding her unconditional love for your conditional one.
good luck to you - or rather, good luck to her. set her free already - you don't love her enough, and she deserves to be with someone who does.
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tia
20 yrs ago
VoR: You have such wise words....
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hi tia :-)
so nice that you managed to tear yourself away from your honey to get online ;-D
how's it going, you lucky girl? hope you are covering all the bases and the visit is going well.
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tia
20 yrs ago
So far, so good. My biggest beef is that I have to work when he is here...and ironically, not doing much at work anyway... *sigh*
Would rather be home...TRYING to cover all the bases and with grand luck, hit a few out of the park.
(Is that too many baseball metaphors?!)
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EVERYTHING in sport is a sex metaphor! ;-D even tiddlywinks, if you think hard enough! it's all about scoring.
baseball: balls, bats, bases, home runs, r.b.i., at-bats, strike-outs, balks, foul tips, bunts, rookies, relief pitchers, and even pinch hitters ;-) ha ha ha
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tia
20 yrs ago
Tee hee...
Sadly, at the moment, I feel like I am in the dugout. Need to get in the game and start scoring!
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rats
20 yrs ago
Tia- good luck with the game ;)
vor- don't be too harsh on jay, maybe he is lacking sense of security after a bad marriage?
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rats - true, true. but we must remember that his first marriage was an arranged one, whereas this current one would be his first love match.
whatever the case is...he needs to be totally up front with his gf about it, instead of second-guessing her motives and questioning HER perfectly valid concerns. <:-)
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My BF has been talking about my trip to him during the May holiday. I also wanna go there coz it's the more practical way (1 week's May holiday + 1 week's annual leave). However I feel hard to decide whether I can leave my work during May. Jobs have been booked both after and before May holiday...feel embarrasing to raise the question to my boss, asking for leave. But I really want to go on vacation...sigh...
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Northeurose, if you don't ask your boss, you'll never know. the worst that could happen is s/he says no...but what if s/he says yes? ;-)
if you cannot travel in May, can your bf visit you?
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rats
20 yrs ago
Hey, girls, you think we should start a new thread for LDR, say ' LDR-part two' or something alike? this thread is getting really looooooooonnnnnnnng :)
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sure, why not! please create it :-)
depending on where i'm logged on and my connection speed, sometimes this thread takes forever to view, it is indeed sooooo loooooong now
/:-| zzzzzz --> the waiting period, not the content ;-)
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Hello,
ok, I'm not an asian expat, am based in the US, with my fiance in Paris. But I came across this thread while I was on the internet despairing about my LDR, and it made me cry, noticing how many other people are in the same situation... I am so grateful to have read your stories.
I do notice a lot of common issues that arise within my own relationship, including not knowing when the next next time we see each other is, whether marriage or engagement means the same thing for men and women... what each one wants out of it or sees it as...
My situation is that I've been in this relationship for the last 4 years (celebrating the 4th year next month), one of which was two years ago and we were living together because I left everything and moved there to be with him in a one room studio. He quit his job and started his own business soon after I arrived there, even though I wasn't liking it there professionally & we weren't exactly getting along great, and was planning to move back to the US, and came back after a horrible year. (this a year and a half ago) I'm now waiting for him to move here with a semi-ultimatum that if he doesn't get his butt over here by May 07, it would be over for us...
I suggested getting married and doing the legal part first to at least get things going and be able to live in each other's countries, and he came out and proposed last May, and hasn't wanted to talk about anything wedding related since then. I have a ring now, and no answer when people ask me when the happy date is. When I asked him why he proposed in the first place, he said that otherwise, he thought I would have left him... I think I don't understand men, and I'm going to go crazy!
Here I was thinking that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of my life with me, which it turns out is true, but he seems to be able to wait for all this to happen. I'm just anxious to start with my life, and am tired of spending every waking hour thinking about when the next time we're going to see each other is, and whether he cares at all.
By the way, have I mentioned that I've had it? We love each other, but there seems to be so much frustration over the fact of him not caring about the actual marriage or the next time we get to see each other, that it's making me crazy and I want to end the whole thing right now. I haven't received a single written letter from him in a long time, no e-mails, no Valentine's day card even, NOTHING. He does call me right before going to sleep and I call him when I wake up, and if we talk longer than 5 mn, it's because I bring up either wedding or travelling to see each other, and it ends with a fight.
By the way, Jay2004, I think this woman is very patient, and maybe she's not answering because she might be frustrated that you're asking this when you should know how much she loves you. Mine came up with the idea that I was obsessed with wanting to get married, when I've never even romanticized about it alone, I just don't like being engaged. It's either "I love you, can't wait to be your husband and have a life with you" for me, or ciao. and I have no problem with the latter (have been able to get over a lot of things in my life). But if it is ciao, I'd like to know it and not get mixed messages.
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hi Soprasarah. i hate to say it but...i think you should move on.
i'm sorry to hear of your anguish and frustration. but i think the writing is on the wall. any communication you two have left seems to be out of habit, and yet isn't forward looking. there seems to be nothing left in the relationship that is a source of happiness or anticipation.
just my opinion. i do hope you make the right decision.
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rats
20 yrs ago
Soprasarah- besides the short call everyday, is there any other means for your guys to express your love and affection for each other? Or do you two still share stories/ideas with each other? How old is your fianace and you? Maybe he is not ready to commit or having too much pressure maintaining his own business?
it is always cliche, but to sort out what is going on in a relationship is always a face-to-face confortation/discussion. Only having him throw everything at your face can you truly accept the facts and move on (or stay if it turns out to be sth positive). It is ok as you have sent him the semi-ultimatum at May 2007. But geeze, that's long and do you guys plan to see each other before the 'due date'? Make sure he clearly undertands the meaning of ultimatum, cos sometimes men just don't believe that you are serious about it and thought you were just trying to threaten them/ being emotional by saying so.
Good luck!
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rats
20 yrs ago
PDofA- what's the comment about?
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??? same question here!
maybe PDofA is giving us a - erm - creative new way of handling an LDR?
thanks, but if i ever get that desperate for an org*sm before the next time i see him again...i'll give myself one. ;-)
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Soprasarah, as bad as it sounds, you do need to sit down and analize your relationship since the beginning. People change and so do feelings. I was in such a relationship although when he was away it was for at most 3 months, he spent a hell of a time living like single. He not only got engaged but married. My long time relationship to this individual was a complete joke. Sad part is that I do have a child who does not deserve a future without a father. You never know what he may do or think. It is cool to be hanging out with the other sex and, if you are like me staying home, thinking like an idiot that you are his world. It does hurt and it will hurt even more but things do come to an end. Better sooner than later. At least the scars won't be as deep. Good luck with your decision.
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tia
20 yrs ago
It is not going to make anyone here happy Jay, but perhaps you did the right thing. I am sorry, as I am sure you are hurting.
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jay - if she's meant for you she'll be back. if this is just an episode in a larger, longer relationship, you'll find out. but i still think you did the right thing, and now you can attend to more immediate matters. when your divorce is concluded you will be in a better position to enter a healthy and open relationship.
meantime, good luck with your divorce, and hope your daughter is well.
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tia
20 yrs ago
It is ok to be friends, but I don't know if seeing her is a good idea. You may not be hurting, but I can bet she is. Give her time to get over you. By seeing you, this is not going to happen.
Being friends may take time. Follow her lead and do as she asks.
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It's still too emotional at this stage to be friends. I think both of you are trying to be in a casual way and I'm not sure if it works if you are still in close contact (sms, visit, etc.). If you really want to get rid of each other from your minds, stay away for a while. Or at least that is the way it works in my case.
Luck to you, jay.
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rats
20 yrs ago
jay- ' let us be very very good friend' just doesn't work, if it works, it simply means you guys don't love each other that much.
It can work only when both of you can totally get over the breakup. So, as wildorchid and tia said, you shouldn't meet her or have close contact with her till you two are certain that the 'love' feeling is all gone and the 'wound' cured.
good luck!
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tia
20 yrs ago
The problem with being *just friends* at this stage is that someone could love the other one too much still and being close will only make him or her hopeful that it will work out. As much I hate breaking up with anyone, I find clean breaks at the beginning best. If you want to be friend LATER....it may work, but too soon after, you do not allow time to heal the open wound of the break up.
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jay, you are making your life complicated. I'm just wondering (might get lost some where), who suggested to get separated? You let her go because you thought it was better for her and how did she accept that?
As I can see, you still love her so much, so clarify it with her to see how she feels about you and then make your final decision about being together or apart.
But you should also make it clear for yourself if it would work out or not when you are so suspicious about your gf's feelings to you. It's kinda lack of trust in her, that's what I understand.
Anyway, honest (direct) communication would help.
That's my 2 cents. Good luck!
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jay, just a reminder that you are the one who does not want to give her what she wants, i.e. marriage. not only are you not in a position to marry her yet, but you were the one suspicious of her desire to marry you.
anything that anyone could possibly say about your situation has already been said. the rest is up to you. leave her alone until you are truly free to marry, and if you still feel that way about her (and if she is still open to you)then pursue her sincerely and wholeheartedly.
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tia
20 yrs ago
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's truly yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
A bit cliche, but in this case, I think it may apply.
You love her. Not being with her is tearing you apart. We get that. The thing is, you are not FREE to be with her, to give her what she wants. Sometimes, I am afraid that love does not conquer all. Why should she wait in the wings for an undetermined amount of time. Why should she give up her wants and needs to wait for something that may or may not happen soon? Life moves pretty fast...if youdon't take the time to enjoy it, you may miss it.
You PROMISED her marriage and when she called you on it you get suspicious? I am sorry, but how long did you think you could string her along without ACTUALLY getting married? How long should she be forced to wait?
I don't soubt you love her and want to be with her, but the reality is that you are not FREE to be with her and give her what she wants. She may have said at one point that she could accept your time frame, but things change, people change, their desires and timelines change. You can't honestly expect her to wait, can you?
Get your current marriage sorted out before you persue another one.
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In addition to what tia has said, it boils down to the point that the problem was your suspicion about her love. Agreed that she could say she didn't mind to wait for your divorce. But if she didn't see any progress in your divorce, I think she is eligible to push you, or?
So why don't you follow tia's advice: sort out your current marriage and then come back to her. And if she accept you then, she's truly yours!
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tia
20 yrs ago
@ be happy: beign far apart from the ones we love can sometimes turn the most stable person into a bit of an insecure mess. I should know....
When you feel like this, perhaps you should try to tell him how you feel and why. DON'T lay blame, but tell him what you need to so that you feel better.
@jay: One more thing...
She accepted the terms at the beginning of the relationship. Ok. Cool. Thing is, we women like to think that things will always get better, work out well and most of us think time will fix everything. I myself have been guilty of starting a relationship with someone who was not totally available to me and thinking that my patience and my perserverance would win out. Know what? It did not. I got tired of sharing my man at the time with his previous relationship and after 2 years of understanding and seeing no end in sight, I walked. I am better for it. Had he lived up to HIS promises to me, I might have stuck it out and who knows, I might still be with him.
She has been MORE than patient and I do not blame her for wanting you to live up to what you said you would do.
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i dont know what am i doin here,hehehe,on a girls thing forum, well, again a male's opinion. I have been on a LDR with a girl in hk girl,i am in Portugal, we hv 7 hours difference, so sometimes its really hard to find time to chat with each other, but still we are determined to stay together in the upcoming years, as i proposed to her last time i was in Hk. Its almost 2 years that we are like this, but we know that things will be good for us in the end.
Enjoy it
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I'm starting a LDR with my partner. I'm in London and she is in Malaysia. We have been together for for two and a half years. We met when she came to London to study for 2 years. I followed her back to Malaysia and ended up staying there for 6 months. Now I'm back in London and starting the next chapter of our lives...a LDR. It's only been a month so far. We are finding it tough but we are in good spirit most of the time.
We keep in touch everyday, we talk on the phone, email, SMS and Skype. I have started sending her pictures of things I see. Things I want to share with her and things I know she misses. I create online crosswords for her to play...words from our relationship. This LDR business has making me into a hopeless romantic :O) although I miss her intensely, I am enjoying discovering this new way of relating.
I am trying to look at LDR in a broader view... Historically, thousands of couples have had these relationships... immigrants, seafearing workers, military officers...etc. Many of which have laid the foundations to our societies and nations.
I remember when I was a child in Hong Kong, my grandmother pointed out a hill to me. It overlooked the South China Sea. It looked like a woman carrying her child on her back, looking out on the sea waiting for her husband to return from the seas. She waited day and night, rain or shine, and in the end, she became immortalised.
I enjoyed hearing more examples of sucessful LDRs for inspirations...myths, tales, historical...etc. I would also like to hear ideas og what hobbies we can share together whilst apart...(7hrs time difference).
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