Posted by
howonearth
21 yrs ago
A friend of a friend is constantly cheating on his girlfriend. (Sex, not snogging)
I am not great friends with either of them. However, the girlfriend is new to HKG & he's talking about marriage with her. The deception is just too gross to ignore.
I want to tell her, but I know I'll end up looking like the bad guy & losing friends because "I told".
I need some creative ideas on how to tell her........ without her knowing it's me. HELP.
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Oh - she moved here to be with him...... this isn't a new relationship.
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just drop a note to her, signed off a friend.
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Try to go out where he is and let her catch him out on her own. It also depends on how close you are to her. Why not try one of the suggestions above. Send her a message!! I would definately want to know if I was contemplating marriage.
Ivan-Not all men cheat over here!! I actually know quite a few.
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All men cheat in Hong Kong? What rubbish, to me that is just an excuse for you to cheat yourself!!! I could swear on my kids life that my husband has not, is not and will not cheat on me here in Hong Kong or anywhere else!!! Jeez what a generalisation!!!
I would tell her via e mail note whatever!!
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Jane
21 yrs ago
i more like the idea of letting her discover it by herself. after getting the email she will talk to him, and he will deny so it might not help.
the thing is that you can "unintentionally help her to discover"
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zhngJ
21 yrs ago
leave them alone for crist sake.
relationship is a twosome thing.
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I also cannot believe that so many people think that cheating is a normal occurance! It should not be considered normal in any way. I am also not being naive about the situation. I did not marry easily, and I used to have a difficult time trusting people, but I really think that by the time you marry you have figured out the situation. I did not trust my husband in the beginning, out of protective reasons for myself, however, I came to realize that he was in the same place I was. I do not understand why we expect the worst out of everyone else, when they do their best to prove to use how dedicated they are, and we have absolutely no reason to distrust them.
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I ended up talking with him instead of her. Told him I couldn't in good conscience let him propose to her without her knowing the truth.
I gave him until next Monday (1st August) to tell her.
He was pretty pissed off, but so be it. It is WRONG to cheat on a partner & marry them under a lie. If she stays with him or not - that's their business.
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I would appreciate it if someone told me such an important thing.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
ZhngJ - you make me laugh.
"leave them alone - relationship is a twosome thing".
DAMN RIGHT.... so this wanker who is shagging around town - he's made it a "many people" thing.
Howonearth-- Tough call - but good move.
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Life
21 yrs ago
Stay out of it, it is not your buisness and you will end up being the bad one IF and only IF you tell the gf.
But by telling the bf... now that was a good move. Although he is not going to confess.
Only because he may catch something and give it to her, you should have her be with you, when he is messing around.
Otherwise, for all we know.. he is trying to get his fill before he commits. Men do, do that you know.
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All those who say stay out of it, can you honestly say that if your partner was cheating on you you would not want to know about it? Obviously some couples make agreements between themselves to have other partners but they are the minority! I find it hard to believe that most people would prefer to not know then know! I applaud you Howonearth for doing something I hope I will never have to but would not hesitate doing!
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men... guilty until proven innocent.
Why get into a relationship if you are unable to control your dick? Cheaters are the most selfish people of all. Possessive takers.
Howonearth, you definitely did the right thing the right way. One, you did not betray your guy friend. Two, you helped her avoiding a deceitful marriage.
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Life
21 yrs ago
PP: Unless, my gf, has told me, that if I see her b.f. or husband, cheating on her, I will not open my mouth and say a thing. Now, I have had such discussions with friends, and some of them said tell me immediately, and others have said, let me find out on my own.
The reason being, the ability to patch up a relationship and move on, and forgive, is easier, when you feel you are the only one who knows about the infidelity. When everyone knows about it, you have no choice but to cut the relationship off. Some people are okay with this, but not everyone. Some people divorce to save face, when others chose to try and fix what is already wrong with the relationship, that MIGHT be causing the infidelity.
Now, as for me, tell me the bastard is cheating. But just remember, in most cases, the first response is denial, and the second one is, "why are you trying to break us up? Are you trying to date him yourself?”
Without prior (tell me no matter what) agreement, you will end up being the villain.
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howonearth- you must be liking this person to let her know this.
Sending an email from a diff account - for an accidental discovery is a good deed
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Howonearth - you have done the right thing. The b/f sounds like a complete w*nker and he should be the one to break the news to her.
Do you think he will tell her? Or will you have to bite the bullet?
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Question for Jif - it seems to me accusing HOE of imposing his/her values is a bit of Bullsh*t.
This isn't a consensual agreement between them to have other partners. It's one person disrespecting his GF's values... HOE is just making sure that the GF is told the truth - a pretty important truth.
Stupid - You certainly are. Selfish friggin moron. "don't mess up other's relationships"... Get your head out of your butt. He's shagging around, he's going to propose to her - if he's doing it now he 99.9% will carry on after they're married. He's messed up their relationship.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Jif - off your high horse please. You are offended by the words 'bullsh*t' & 'moron', but not by sexual intercourse with other persons by someone who intends to enter into marriage with an unknowing woman????
swear words are part of the common vernacular - nothing has been written which is grossly offensive.
The BF was apparently pissed off - that lets you know that the GF does not know. He was lying & manipulating her.
I don't believe on imposing my values on anyone else - I do what's good for me. However, when my inaction leads to another persons pain - that's when we have a responsibility.
I think that's where you draw the line - or maybe it's that old saying - treat others as you wish to be treated..
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Life
21 yrs ago
JC is right, a friend of a friend, and that friend of a friend is not going to like you one bit for meddling in her affairs. Her words will be "why are you spying on my b.f."
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
ahhh heck. I'll tell you what. If my boyfriend is shagging around - I 100% want to know about it. The messenger won't be shot & my bf won't know who told me.
HOE - a brave decision on your behalf. I hope you're a member of my extended social circle!!!
(Communist Europe in the 80s?? just look next door... it's now illegal in mainland China to have extramarital affairs).
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of course I'd hate it but I wouldn't direct my anger at the person who told me.
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would the magnitidue of anger or pain be any less if the woman found out herself? I dont think so.
It also depends on each relationship, how much each person, the one who is being cheated on, (man/woman) has put effort into, expectations, and what he/she stands to lose.
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I was once the victim of my bf cheating on me. OK I might have known something but definitely not expected he would actually end up getting another girl pregnant. If an old friend of mine that came to see me and tried (but in the end could not manage to say it to me) to talk to me a year earlier about my bf infidelity, then all the pain could probably have been prevented.
I was only informed by the other girls pregnancy by some letter in my mailbox and a phonecall by another person. Although at that time it was already 'too late' I still respect their actions and whished that old friend of mine had the same guts a year earlier...
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Howonearth, I believe you have done the WRONG thing and you have imposed your own value system on a couple who are not much more than strangers.
It very difficult for anyone to cheat without arousing suspicions. The other partner may choose to ignore those suspicions or choose to face them at a later time when they feel they can face it.
Either way your are forcing your own morals on them and it is NONE of your business.
Maybe in due course the couple will be able to sort it out between themselves. Maybe they won't, but it is not your decision to make.
And what it this "I gave him until next Monday" crap? Relationships don't deteriorate all of a sudden and they don't get fixed up all of a sudden. You have just decided, oh, next Monday sound like it may be reasonable to ME, so I'll just set MY timetable as something for THEM to fix THEIR relationship.
Butt out.
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BTW, there is no possibility of you remaining anonymous now. You have told the guy, even if you try to tell the girl anonymously there is no doubt at all that it will come out that it was you that is doing the telling. You should be prepared for a lot of negative consequences for yourself both from the couple and from your friends. You can also expect your colleagues/friends to never trust you with any even partly private information ever again.
The couples situation is not ideal, but then it is not ideal for a lot of couples, but most seem to make it work and end up with a happy life. And generally they do this without outsiders telling them how to run their life. You sound so patronising, "If she stays with him or not - that's their business". Yeah right, after you have just thrown a big spanner in the works when it is something which will probably come out in the wash eventually anyway, when the couple are ready for it.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
I personally find some of these answers to be so sad & depressing. I think HOE is a good person who's done a very difficult thing.
Why do people accept the status quo? Atrocities are committed when others just ignore what is happening around them.. When they think it is easier to not interfere. "It's none of my business / it doesn't affect me".
I am so upset that people are blaming this woman for her boyfriend cheating. That anyone could think "they choose to ignore them". I've been cheated on & can honestly swear - I had NO idea. I trusted him, I didn't check up on him etc.. I don't consider myself to be a stupid person either.
I have married friends who have had to deal with a cheating spouse, but they've had to do so taking children into consideration. Surely this is a different scenario.
HOE - I would trust you & your integrity if I heard of what you had done. I would know that you were a person to be trusted to do the right thing.
btw - I had no idea I felt so strongly about this topic. Lucky I don't know anyone in HKG who's shagging around - what a tough situation.
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Life
21 yrs ago
They are not married.
They are not engaged.
No-one here knows what their "dating" arrangement is. For all we know, it could be an "OPEN" relationship, until an actual commitment e.g. proposal.
The fact that she has moved there and he agreed to it, and that he wants to ask her to marry him, implies, his behaviour will change. Otherwise, he would have told her to stay put, where she was. He didn't have to agree to her coming there, and every guy knows a woman will not put up with extra marital affairs unless they have been married forever, and they have a vested interest in staying together.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
I guess that's the grand question... will he stop shagging around after they're married??
I guess HOE wouldn't be saying anything if he/she thinks he'll stop.
(btw - the BF was all "pissed" off apparently - so there's no way the GF knew then. This wasn't consensual. Doesn't sound like an "Open" relationship).
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Just going on what HOE wrote.
If it was consensual then HOE would have written "spoke with him & he said p*ss off we've got an open relationshp".
Not speculation but understanding what was written..
HOE wrote that they spoke with the BF and gave an ultimatum. The BF was pissed off about this.
Not a word about "ooops, I was wrong & he told me they both agree to him shagging around".
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
ha ha.... that's so funny (in a very DON'T DO IT kind of way).
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CCCMN, get real. HOE wrote I gave him an ultimatum and he was pissed off.
How about this: I do not know HOE particularly well except as a casual aquantance. I am serious enough about my g/f that she has moved to HK for me. HOE has butted in and said "if you do not do something by next Monday I am going to do something which is going to severely upset your personal life"
I can't see any possible reaction except a hostile one, can you?
Anything else is speculation. HOE does not know the couple well. HOE, having given an ultimatum is not likely to be on best buddy terms with the guy, regardless of right or wrong. The guy is just as likely to say "%&@k-off, HOE" regardless of what sort of relationship it is.
Once again HOE should butt out.
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cyan
21 yrs ago
"....and that he wants to ask her to marry him, implies, his behaviour will change. "
Life, I am not sure I understand what you are trying to say:
He will change his behave after marriage?
It's ok to cheat on a fiancé/ girlfriend?
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Now for the issue.
I have a strong marriage. Recently someone, by envy, trying to damage my husbands reputation at work started sending anonymous messages to some people in his office and a few friends and even clients, including the director and later on to my husband as well.
Messages, Saying my husband was crap because he was cheating on me.
I have been always the second or third person to know about these messages.
Director, friends or clients > husband > Me
I always knew about all that was being said, me and my husband always discussed the issue. Of course we were not spreading the world about it because, first I don't value anonymous, secondly it was such a lie. We never really though that some people would give it any credit.
But I had indeed lost a few friends who just decided to believe the messages and avoid us, they just decided not to tell me anything and believed they should not interfere. They even stopped talking to my husband.
In the end, we just found out that the true friends we have are the one's who had the guts to tell us about it The others... I'm not even going to give the trouble to explain to them the truth. I don't need people like that.
If I ever find about any kind of cheating from a friend, I will obviously talk to the wife/husband, if they are my friends.
If I'll ever be the "cheated wife" I expect friends who really care about me to tell me.
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Cyan, I think that is a good point "I expect friends who really care about me to tell me"
Close friends, like you describe, know your situation and presumably know your wishes.
This is a very different situation to HOE who describes the relationship as "friend of a friend" This implies that HOE is not in a position of trust or confidence with either party, does not know them well and is not fully aware of their personal situation. Unlike a close friend who is in a position to make an informed judgement about this, HOE is just butting in with her own moral values.
Once again HOE, butt out; you do not know the couple at all.
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Life
21 yrs ago
Cyan, but this is not the same. Someone was spreading malicious lies, about your husband. OF course you would want someone to tell you guys what was being done. Those lies affected not only him but you also, and caused shunning by people who did not want to be associated with him. That is so different.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Chloroquine - have you read HOE's posts properly?
They have already spoken with the BF. Repeating "Butt Out" like a mantra is pointless - they've already done it.
If a cheating BF (or GF) has half a brain, they would ensure that no-one in a position of "trust or confidence" would know about the cheating. Why? Because a friend would tell. Why? Because none of us like to see our friends get screwed over.
I, personally would want a "friend of a friend" to tell me if they know my BF is cheating on me. Chances are they are more likely to know about it than my close friends.
We're all adults. If I then decide to stay with my BF, that's a decision I make for myself. I am big enough to then speak with the informant and say "thank you for talking with me, I've decided to stay together with X, but yes, things are different. Thank you though".
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Yes, I did read HOEs posts; did you read mine above where I commented about HOE already having spoken to the BF?
HOEs posts are all written like it is a big jolly game of intrigue for her. "I need some creative ideas on how to tell her... without her knowing it's me"
She (unless she's seen photos or in person) cannot be 100% sure the BF has actually had sex with these girls. She's planning on dobbing the guy into his GF anonymously. So regardless of if the guy is guilty or not, passing on such info to the GF is likely to be very upsetting and could have unpredictable results.
HOE does not even have the guts to tell the GF in person so she can possibly avoid any negative reprecussions from telling [although this may not be possible now that she has confronted the BF].
If HOE is going to tell the GF this, at least have the decency to do it in person. Not doing it in person shows a complete lack of moral fibre and I have complete disrespect for HOE for trying to drop a bomb from high altitude and then flying away.
Aside from which it is still none of her business, so she should butt out.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Whaat? who's passing the crack pipe around again?
HOE initially wanted to tell the GF anonymously. However HOE obviously changed their mind and told the BF to speak with his girlfriend.
They have given him an ultimatum at which point they'll speak with the GF in person. I think that's bloody gutsy!!
A complete lack of moral fibre? Are you kidding? The rooting-around-town bf is the one who has a complete lack of moral fibre.
When people like "Stupid" talk about hunting down HOE - I'm not surprised HOE initially thought about doing in anonymously.
Where is this anger coming from Chloroquine? Malaria not healed up yet?
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To howonearth: I have the same experience with your friend. My husband cheated on me several times after we married. His friend could not stand he cheated on me and told me. I am very appreciated that he told me the truth but after that there’s no bright and color in my world any more. My life has been messing up totally till now. sometimes I hope his friend not told me this. I still love him and I am not ready to leave him. So you can imagine how difficult for me to walk forward. Let god decide tell her not not. Do not do anything now. hope everthing is going well with her. I pray her.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Asianflower - that's really sad, I'm very sorry.
Can I ask you - if someone had told you that your husband-to-be was cheating on you, how would your life be different now?
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
this is a more lighthearted tangent.... :)
My vote is bloke.
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Ok I can tell you how my life is different than before. 1.I become very sensitive about cell phone. If I can not see his cell phone on the table when I wake up in the morning I will be in a terrible mood that day. 2 my trust on him is less and less 3 I can not respect him as the same much as before sometimes I have to force myself to show my respect to him .4 my anger emotional problem is getting worse. 5 my control problem is very obviously.6 my suspicious bugs me a lot. 7 I rely on go to meetings to relax at least twice a week. 8 force myself to go back school get some distract.9 dare not spend time with my daughter because my bad emotional will influence her a lot. 10 I want to drink to hocus myself forget painful temporary. 11 I make job mistakes a lot recently because I am not capable to be engrossed in work. 12 lost my confidence\get depressed all the time now.
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Life
21 yrs ago
Ohhh he is a guy.
1. What woman needs to find creative ways to tell another female she is being cheated on? Think about it.
2. That is why he knows the guy is cheating on the g.f. Probably seen the doors shut close.
3. That is why he had the guts to tell the guy, confess or I will tell on you!
4. That is why he says "I want to tell her, but I know I'll end up looking like the bad guy & losing friends because "I told". ". What guy wants a to-gooder out with them when they have a night out on the town?
Now that we know he is a guy, does it make any difference. He obviously feels that he needs to protect this girl somehow being that she is far from home and just moved to HK.
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Life
21 yrs ago
He does not want to bang her next. He probably thinks she is sweet, and does not deserve this. I will bet he is also young. Can't seen an older guy wanting to get involved.
But then again, Chica you might be right. Who will console her when she is crying?
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Asianflower - thanks for your reply. Awful - I'm very sorry.
My question though was this:
if someone had told you BEFORE you got married to him - how would your life be different now?
I know it's a hard thing to imagine - but that's basically the debate we're having here. By HOE telling the GF before this guy proposes - is this the better thing for the GF in the long-term?
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
No, the opposite.
Married couples have greater issues to face & the deception can have greater consequences. It's not something that a friend of a friend should get involved with.
All I'm saying is that if she had known about her husband-to-be being a cheater before getting married, things might be different. Maybe she wouldn't have married him, not had children with him, not be in this awful situation.
A cheating boyfriend has less ramifacations (on the whole!) than a cheating husband & father.
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cyan
21 yrs ago
The situation is not that different, from the moment some people actually believed my husband was cheating on me, that's why they stopped talking to him, and they would not even tell me why they were doing that to him.
Of course this created some distance between me and them as well.
And on a final note one friend finally told me why. "Well you must be upset with me because I know for a long time he's cheating and I didn't told you but, I didn't want to interfere"
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As to this case... well I believed I would still like to know... but can't really tell how would I react coming from someone not so close. Specially now after all this gossip and lies I lived recently. (How can some people have such a bad character. )
On the other side... Imagining a woman I know, even if not that close, getting into a marriage, and not knowing the future husband is cheating... I can't tell I would have the courage to talk to her... But I would feel VERY bad not doing anything.
I think howonehearth is a guy. I think he's just facing a situation he believes so unfair to the girlfriend, she deserves to know the truth and move from there. SHE CAN DECIDE WHAT TO DO. even if she blames him (friend) forever. At least she knows where she's getting into. If she wants to live in denial or pretending not to know... it's her choice.
For me it's just plain shocking that a guy cheat's on a girlfriend/fiance, I mean, this is when they are supposed to be madly in love with each other, this is when a guy, is supposed to only have eyes for her, etc...
How can this marriage ever last if he's already cheating? Is he planning to get married or looking for a convinient cooker/ mother of his kids, etc?
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Asianflower - I am sorry to hear about your situation. hope you're moving on to make the best out of your marriage.
Although you sometimes feel like you wished that your friend didn't told you (eventually hate him/her for a seconds even) and that the nightmare would go away. You know what you really wished was for you husband never had done it. At least you know and you are living your life in the way you believe is better, by your choice. And at least you have a chance of trying to make your marriage better... eventually before it's too late, like living for how long, believing everything was ok and then one day husband comes home and tells you out of nothing he's leaving... and you finally knowing he had been cheating for so long. Point is, the sooner one knows the better it is to save marriage or bail out and look for someone else. Better in your 20's then in your 30's or 40''s....
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So in conclusion I think one should tell, even if not really a close friend.
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Life
21 yrs ago
I am a firm believer of not getting involved. So here is a question for all of you. WHEN you were younger, say in university. DId you not have a g.f. who was seeing two guys at the same time? Did you tell on her?
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
I do think that you need to deal with things differently in different situations.
My personal 'how-to' that I would be comfortable with:
1. Friend of a Friend - just BF & GF relationship. I wouldn't get involved - maybe just say "heard he can be a jerk sometimes".
2. Friend of a Friend - engaged / about to be engaged. Get involved. I would probably tell one of their close friends though - they should know them better & know what to do.
3. Friend of Friend - married. I would probably speak with the cheating partner. Tell them that I know & that others do as well. Let them & their conscience decide what to do. However I would also tell a friend of the innocent party. Explain that I've already spoken with the cheater & that maybe things will change. Now up to someone closer to the situation to judge it as it progresses.
For a close friend though - I would 100% tell them myself in every case. It's what I would want a friend to do for me.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Never had a gf double-dating at uni. One of my male friends did though. When one of the girls was talking to me, raving about how happy she was, I told her quietly that I didn't think things were completely over with the other girl & so give it some time.
He ended up ditching both girls - it's just young love stuff. V. different to getting married though, don't you think?
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I think people should accpet that there are generally no winners in the break-up of a serious relationship and that most relationships are in some way not completely ideal.
It's easy to preach about "you should do this or that" when it is not you personally that has to suffer the consequences.
In CCCMNs point 3 above (Friend of Friend - Married): marriage is not something entered into lightly and I do not believe it is the place of anyone except the CLOSEST of the couples friends to have any sort of involvement at all.
For a friend of a friend to stick their nose into someone else's marriage, someone they don't really know, with unknown consequences, is unbelievable. If the cheating is something that a friend of a friend knows, then chances are a close friend will as well and it is up to them, knowing the couple very well, and not some casual blow-in to do something about it.
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
Jif - you make me despair that all men are spineless sheep when around their friends.......
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
curious cat that I am..... wonder how Monday turned out?
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This is so typical. Side with the girl who suspects cheating. Encourage her to stick her nose where it does not belong and potentially ruin a good relationship.
Let me ask HOE this question, which I notice all who jumped to support HOE failed to ask. What conclusive proof do you have that this friend is cheating? You mentioned he is having sex. How do you know? Did he tell you? Did the girl he is "cheating" with tell you? Or did you just assume because they are being flirty and you have seen them out together two or three times that something is happening? Typical insecure female reaction, I guess you believe where there is smoke, there is fire. The question to ask yourself is what constitutes smoke?
I have quite few female friends with whom I am very close. We go back many years and yes we are flirty with each other. To the point of hugging and provacative dancing. Most of the time my wife goes out together with us, sometimes she doesn't. We act the same way when she is around. Does my wife mind? No. Why because she trusts me and knows that I love her and only her and would never do anything to hurt her.
I trust my wife and she trusts me. Before the questioning comments let me tell you that my wife is no homely woman who must take everything. My wife is beautiful. She is self-confident and radiates beauty. When we go out, she turns the heads of men of all ages, even after having had two beautiful children. When she goes out with her friends, she is constantly getting hit on and chatted up. Does it bother me, no. Why, because I trust her.
Same thing happens to me but definitely to a lesser degree. I have been propositioned in bars and have had women be very aggressive, some even while my wife was around. On the occasions this happens when I am out with a close female friend, these flirty, fun women who are my friends will get very protective and will tell the offending party off. To the outsider it may seem that I have a thing going with these close friends who are not my wife. This reaction is typical of the insecure, hyper suspicious, controlling, and small-minded women like HOE who seek to impose their narrow view of relationships and the world on everybody.
Before you start attacking, I will have you know that my wife and I do not have an open relationship. We are quite conservative and old-fashioned. If either of us were to cheat on the other, it would be big trouble. Why don't I even think about it? Because there is no one out there with whom I'd rather spend my life with other than my wife.
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Why am I so upset by HOE's post? Because a "well-meaning" acquaintance (who thought of herself as a friend) spotted what she thought was me cheating.
The funny thing is that I was out with my wife's friends whom were in town. I was entertaining them for a couple of days until my wife came back from visiting her parents. When we were in the same town, we would go out together all the time and were really close. They are wild girls and like to dance. Occasionally I get the dance bug and will join them. Well we were out dancing and joking around and I bumped into some old colleagues. I of course introduced the two groups and we hung out together for the rest of the night, having what I thought was a good time.
As my wife's friends were guests in town, they got the majority of my attention. Some females amongst my old colleagues insisted on sitting huddled together talking in low tones at the table and every so often trying to inconspicuously steal glances our way, despite my encouraging them to come join us on the dancefloor.
My wife's friends got tired and I was exhausted, so we decided to leave. I stopped by the table to say goodbye, some of my old colleagues still wanted to go out. To be polite, I said I would call them after sending my wife's friends back to their hotel. This got me some strange looks from the female colleagues, I thought nothing of it at the time. After I dropped my friend's off, I was exhausted called one of my old colleagues and said I was going home, which I did.
The next day I got a series of SMS's from one of these old female colleagues along the lines of - "oh when the cat's away the mice will play" to which I responded "what?", then came "be careful that your wife doesn't find out" to which I said about "what?" I thought she was joking so I ignored her next message. Eventually she said "well I think what you are doing is wrong, your wife should know that you play around when she is not around." I was furious.
I called this "woman" immediately and gave her a piece of my mind. To which she said, "we women should stick together." I said fine, think what you will, but this is why you are in your mid-thirties and still have never had a real relationship. Who the hell do you think you are? Why do you assume something happened? Why the hell do you think my wife would even listen to you? I dare you to call her and tell her exactly what you saw.
Well, she called my wife. The story got twisted into me kissing one of her friends on the dancefloor, hugging and holding hands - then disappearing to her hotel all night. And that when confronted, I didn't deny any of it.
When my wife got back she mentioned she got a call from this old colleague who told her all this. I was furious. I asked my wife, well do you believe that I would do that? My wife said well would you? I said of course not, if I did, you would be the first to know even before I told you. To which my wife responded by kissing me and saying, "I know, I love you"
That simple statement meant the world to me. I thought to myself, what in the world would be worth the risk of losing a woman like my wife? - the simple answer - nothing. The best way to keep your man is to respect and trust him. He will treat you the same way.
That night we went out and I expected my wife to ask her friends about the "incident". She didn't. I was still so annoyed that I brought up the topic. Her friends had a good laugh and said some people just don't have a life. They were not as upset as I expected them to be. They explained it to me. Some insecure and nosy people, especially women spend a lot of time giving advice and sticking their nose where it doesn't belong. They try and make drama to feel needed. Most women are smart enough to steer clear of these jealous, petty creatures. The one's that don't generally have the same mind set and thus they hang out in groups. My wife's friends then proceeded to identify exactly which one in the group it was who probably did this, they were spot on.
I ask all of you that read this to remember this simple fact - you are responsible for yourself and your own actions. Keep your nose out of other people's business. This is not sticking your head in the sand, this is called common courtesy and respecting the right to privacy.
Do I give a rat's butt that these female ex-colleagues are out there saying that I am a cheat etc. No.
Does the fact that this ex-colleague thinks she was doing the right thing and probably would want to know if it were happening to herself make what she did acceptable? Absolutely Not!
What is important to me is what my wife thinks and that I can look myself in the mirror with a clear conscience.
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wow, this is obviously a hot topic. i bet no one will ever get down to reading my reply!
if the cheating is so frequent, have you thought about the possibility of your friend KNOWING they are being cheated on, but they don't want to accept it?
it is a dilemma, especially as they are not close friends, so i'd go for the option of getting the friend to somehow catch the cheater out themselves.
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It's OK Sarah2- I read it.
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evrybody cheated in Hong Kong. If the ytold they don't, they lie.
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Well, I must say that "Handsome Guy" (shuaige) hit the nail on the head!!!
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CCCMN
21 yrs ago
They're completely different situations!
Shuiage had a female friend of his wife LIE. Instead of him being out with a woman, it became a lie about him kissing her on the dancefloor.
That's not an honest, genuine act like HowOnEarth is talking about.
The woman who "told" in Shuiage's case was a lying whacko!
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Not exactly the same, but not entirely different.
The point of my post is that annoying busy-body self-proclaimed do-gooders can cause more harm then good when they draw their own conclusions with limited facts.
I was struck by the reaction of the boyfriend. He was furious. It reminded me of how I reacted when confronted by the BS and threats from my old coworker. I still shake with rage when I think back to that conversation. I felt no need to explain myself. My only need was to give this old crone a piece of my mind about her sticking her nose in where it didn't belong making these unsubstantiated allegations. She chose to interpret this hostile reaction as guilt.
This old co-worker "confronting" me was not brave. Nor was it anything to be admired. She did not do a righteous or genuine thing. Same goes for HOE. Accusing someone of cheating is very serious and better be backed by evidence.
The fact that HOE first posted on here about creative ideas to remain anonymous shows that his/her intentions were not strictly honorable and demonstrates that HOE knows that he/she is merely being a busybody whose intrusion may not necessarily be welcomed with open arms - perhaps because HOE has no real evidence.
If HOE was genuinely concerned, tell the girlfriend directly what you saw and only what you saw, leave it to the girlfriend to connect the dots if there are any. Don't go to the guy and accuse him of cheating and give an ultimatum - doing so has only highlighted even more so that HOE is just a busybody. You don't need to hide your identity or approach it in a roundabout way through the boyfriend if all you are presenting is facts. (FYI, any statement that begins, I heard that or I think or someone said...is not fact)
This thread should not be about drawing a line as to when and what level of intimacy makes it okay to stick your nose in other people's business. It is not HOE's place to impose his/her values, interpretation and judgement upon others.
There is nothing wrong with HOE presenting facts to the girfriend, but I find it hard to believe that HOE has actual evidence of "Sex, not snogging" - unless of course HOE is the one the boyfriend is cheating with - but that my friends would be a whole other thread.
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Nato
20 yrs ago
I didnt read everything but i had the same situation... i think she should know the truth and its up to her how she is gonna use it... I had bf for 4 years, two years it was LDR. i trusted him so much, i could think of anything but cheating.... friends were trying to tell me that i trust too much, but i knew him better, lol... and he was really good, he had gf there in that city, for one year.. we used to see each other every month, and call anytime and i used to visit him without telling him...we've been through so many things together, we were talking abou getting married.... and believe me nothing works until u see it with your eyes... when u love someone and he has proved that he is not the type who could cheat.... its hard to believe just letters or what so ever.. Friend of ours, or maybe his, she did the right thing and i have no idea how can i thank her... it's weired when i remember i used to go there meet his friends and all these people they knew he has a gf there, but there was only one person who helped me seewhat was going on, she let me see everything with my eyes... i feel sooo bad , still hurts, every day i have to tell myself to forget about them, but its not that easy, he was my first bf, and even first guy i ever kissed... they say thats the main reason it hurts that much...but im so glad that i know the truth... its been a while, i feel almost the same, same pain i mean... i dont care about him at all, but the fact that he played me fool for one year....btw, girl he was with, she knew about me...
and im sure your friend must be feeling something is not the same, but she might think that its because of distance, i guess they were apart for a while right?
well, good luck!
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I do somewhat agree that most men will cheat sometime in their life. married or not. but dun let that stop anyone from getting married... otherwise all of us will be single. as others have said, drop a note or give a hint. if she is that innocent, then I say, she's got to learn it the hard way. That is a lesson is life you will never forget but will also never regret. grow in wisdom. There is nothing more you can do. I am female...
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Meems
20 yrs ago
Some girls actually knows that their BF is cheatng on them...but choose to pretend, either it's because she loves him lots, doesn't want to be single or she wants "face".
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I'm disgusted with the people on this forum that think its normal to cheat, believe it or not someone gets hurt when guys and girls do this .... that’s a fact! and how can you let it pass ..... you can't.
If i was you, i would tell her.... it sounds like she loves him..... but he does not deserve her love .... it gonna hurt her.... but better now than later
take a photo with ur camera phone send it to her by email ........
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