Posted by
lost44
20 yrs ago
I have been married since January. I want a child but my husband does not. Yet, all his friends have children and they are forever telling him to have children and they are missing out. He has agreed to have children, yet for the past 7 months he has withdrawn his physical affection for me. We don't have sex or even kissing. Let's say that the average teenager gets up to more. When I initiate affection more than just cuddling on the sofa, he puts a stop to it.
Yes, this is making me crazy. To give love but not to receive it. He says he loves me otherwise he would have left me a long time ago (these are always his words when ever we argue).
Actually, its a one sided argument. I argue. and he clams up.
I don't think he is having affair since he is far too busy with running his own business which has a lot of pressure on him. His father died recently (last month) but that doesn't explain all the previous seven months starting April.
I am drowning and cannot live in a house where I feel like the flat mate. I challenged him on it last night why we don't have any more intimacy, and he said he was afraid that I would do something to get pregnant. I asked him when this was going to stop because I can't keep on going like this, and he said "till he hangs himself".
He says I am physchotic (yes, I go off the wall when the pressure builds up and especially after 7 months of this environment). He wants me to see counselling, but I believe that he has equally the same amount of emotional problems. I said I will see counselling if he comes along. Maybe then he can actually hear how I feel.
Right now I feel like the ugliest most undesirable woman in the world. I try to run my own business, do the housework (we don't even have part time help because he is paranoid that someone will bug the apartment because of the business he is in), and try to stock up on groceries, and take the laundry back and forth.
I am not perfect. I have my flaws. I am difficult to live with at times. but I cannot face sleeping in the same bed as him.
Since we got married, I have not given any of our wedding photos out. He complains and says "oh so and so wants wedding photos" and I tell him that if it meant anything he can go through the album and pick pictures because it is far too painful for me to do it.
How do I fix this?
I don't think I can go home tonight. Maybe I will stay in hotel. I can't even talk to my friends about this for I feel shame and embarrassment
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foxy
20 yrs ago
how was your sex life before marriage?
do you think he might be gay?
if not, then he definitely needs professional help. and if he refuses to get this, then i think it would be best for you to leave him. you can't carry on living like this.
think of it this way, if he just worried about you trying to get pregnant, than why doesn't he just use protection to avoid this from happening? i'm sorry to say, but there is something really wrong with this man.
You are asking how do you fix this? you can't. he must do something about it.
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He is being very unreasonable. Your idea of going to counselling together is a good one - I suggest you push him on this.
You must feel awful, but it does sound like he has problems. Don't blame yourself - try not to think of yourself as ugly and undesirable - drag him to the counseller and speak openly and without bitterness about how his actions make you feel.
Good luck.
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i would suspect he is gay too
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How about going to the doctor together to discuss various contraception options that he can also have control over?
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I went through a similar situation - and funnily enough, I wondered if my ex wasn't gay too.
The thing is, you just can't live like this - when someone withholds intimacy - for any reason - it really makes a dent on your self-esteem. You begin to feel worthless and to believe there's something wrong with you.
You really need to talk to someone - even if he won't seek counselling with you, you should go on your own to help you get through the mental anguish you must be going through.
Finally, you should just swallow your pride and talk to your friends... if they're real friends, they wont judge you - they'll support you and help you get through this... think about how you would support your friends if they were facing similar situations. you wouldn't want them to go through this alone... i'm sure they feel the same about you.
and finally, I think you know what you have to do if he doesn't cooperate... you deserve so much more. You need to concentrate on your happiness!
I hope everything works out for you in the end. Be very proactive on this - it's very easy to spend/waste years of your life this way - I wasted 5 years... but now I'm with someone who adores me and I'm so happy.
Please do yourself a favor and don't settle for a loveless relationship.
All the best!
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You have made it clear that you want a baby with or without his consent.
The reason he doesn't want to touch you is that he thinks you are going to "trick" him and get pregnant as soon as you have sex. Any wonder he can't get it up!
Did you talk about your wishes for a family before you got married? Bringing a child into the world and your relationship is something you both need to agree to.
Ignore what your friends say. How do they know what is best for you and your husband.
Sit down with him and together work out a plan for starting a family. Maybe, there are some things he needs to have in place first, e.g. the business making a certain level of income. Maybe he was simply looking forward to a couple of years of marriage where it was "just the two of you".
You need to honour whatever you agree together and either one of you (or both) must take precautions to avoid getting pregnant until then.
Build some trust back into your relationship. This will be needed in order to have good sex again, and of course it will be essential if you plan to have children sometime.
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Pania
20 yrs ago
I just left my husband to come to beijing. I have just turned 27. We were married for 2yrs and together for 2yrs before that. It sounds like things will not get better. He has issues about himself to deal with and he cannot love you properly the way you deserve right now and doubt if that time will come soon enough for you. 7 months is long enough you dont want it to turn into 7yrs of an unhappy marriage. Get out while you can. I stayed and tried to fix our problems thought if I gave him my heart and tried to help him he would get better. When he did be a good husband, it didnt last for long, never did. Dont try to fix him. He needs to do that for himself. If he hasnt done that for you already he NEVER will. Just leave, you will find someone else who will love you with all his heart and want to love you and be with you and have children with you. Good luck.
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No, he is not gay.
He is overworked like crazy in his new business and I guess that has some impact. I don't want to walk away, I have to try.
We discussed children before and he said yes.
He is not gay. We had an argument over the weekend about this and he tried to fix it with a small cuddle.
I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him. I have to have some way of keeping my dignity.
He is not malicious but he doesn't want to talk.
What am I supposed to say? hey darling, we won't have children. But I don't think he can trust me
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have you asked him WHY HE is abstaining from sex?
i think counselling is a good start especially if you have sat down and discussed it with him but no resolution.
could he be having an affair? my best friend's sister was married less than 7 months and her hubby had an affair. they were trying to have a child at the time too, however she had a problem with her ovaries and so on. hope he isn't having an affair.
sometimes men feel pressure coming from all directions and sex is the last thing on their mind.
good luck and hope everything goes well.
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i just read this post and it seems to me that your husband doen't trust you, and this is the fundamental part of any relationship, without trust you can never truely love someone. Also your husbands reply was to your question 'was when i hang myself' this sounds like he wants to end the relationship but has no guts to do it himself...i know it sounds corney but i think if you love him you should set him free!...get on with your life and find someone who can give you the family you want and who trusts you...this is the only way you can be truely happy, in my opinion!
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It's unfair and simplistic to brand a man as either gay or an adulterer because he doesn't want sex. Imagine if someone here said the same about a woman?
Noone is saying that you should resign yourself to a life without children. But do you even know for sure that this is what he wants?
You say he once wanted children. Was he more specific? Did he say: "when we are more settled and I'm not working my a** off"?
Ask him again.
If he says: "Never", then fine, maybe it's time to walk away. But you might be surprised. Perhaps he just wants to wait a little.
You say he's working long hours. Have you considered that he might be stressed out of his mind and can't imagine starting a family right now? He may simply be too exhausted to consider sex...
How are you both financially? Have you discussed how much a baby will cost? Could this be worrying him?
You have so much to talk to him about in order to get to the bottom of what is troubling him.
Demanding sex and sleeping in separate rooms probably won't help.
I understand that if you have a child you will be the one giving birth .. but he will be the one you will chase for maintenance if you split up and making a unilateral decision to get pregnant without your spouse's agreement is a surefire way to make that happen.
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Ed
20 yrs ago
Would you like me to move this to the Relationships forum?
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V
20 yrs ago
I saw someone said to talk to your friends, for the love of god don't do that. The last thing a guy wants is his wife and her friends discussing whether he is gay, impotent, lacking in labido, or anything else of the kind. Escept that he has boners on demand and screws 12 times every night.
He'll just get embarrassed and pissed off.
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My boyfriend used to be the same. I wasn't able to talk to him about anything and he suggested I get counselling help too! He would say similar things like "till i hang myself", but that was just his way of getting out of the conversation with one of his exagerrated comments. He wasn't serious when he said that and i don't think your husband was either. I think he was trying to avoid the conversation altogether.
Don't suggest counselling, that'll just put him off or perhaps even drive him away. If he's so busy as u say he is, he'd only ger more stressed simply thinking of having to take extra time to go for counselling, right?
What I would do is write him a letter (so we won't have a chance to interupt with a 'until i hang myself' comment). This worked for me. It's especially good since he can't pull the "you never said that to me before" remark and if he really cares for you, he can re-read the letter later if he wants to. Just clearly write out what you're feeling, how frustrated you are, how sad you are, the reasons for it, etc. Explain to him what exactly it is you hope for him to do to make you feel better. But remember, compromise is key. You can't expect him to do all the changing. Finally I suggest giving the letter to him in person. He can read it in front of you which is in fact better so you guys can talk about it right afterwards. That way, you'd have said everything you wanted to say, and really get an answer from him. But don't give him the letter at the end of the day when he's exhausted from work. Perhaps on a Sunday when he doesn't have to work?
Good luck.
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Ramster rammed this one right home. Paper is a great way to express your feeling without men's sarcasm and avoidance of the issue(s). This might sound like a low blow but, set one of your favourite digital photos together as the background of the letter. Pictures make men think of everything (honesty, guilt, remorse, future, what they could lose) and decreases the chances of any type of sarcastic response.
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May I ask where are you from and where is he from ?
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lulu
20 yrs ago
it is funny that you guys married in the first place?
I am curious about you guys' age and why such a hurry to have kids? How long you been 2 going out before getting married? Do you guys have sex before marriage?
There are some guys are not that into sex, but ffs, you guys just married, it should be a honey moon time, right? having kids and no sex? no way ...
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maybe he's got problems performing in bed. Have you considered this. I don't mean to be nasty or anything - but overworked men who under lost of pressure and stress - just can't do it. or so i've eard.
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qwert
20 yrs ago
When the guy holds back sex and the girl wants it, it's a communication thing, when it's the other way round the guy is a pig.
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Sorry to hear this story, definitely its not your fault. He cant refuse to have sex because that he doesnt want baby. He's trying to escape something, doesnt talk about it, doesnt face it.He needs a counselling for sure! Try taking him see a psycologist
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OMG! Such man still exist in this world?
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hi lost 44,
just read your story. i truly understand you. looks like we got the same problem. but i suppose mine is worst as we do not share bed since the past 3 months. we also don't talk to each other or even hug, kiss etc. in other words, there is no physical contact between us. i left home for work at 6.30 am and he came back from work at 10 pm, so, we hardly see each other. on weekend, he went to sport, i spend my time doing the house chores.
we've been married for 4 months. it was an arranged marriage by him and my parent. it all happened after he came back from tokyo. the first month of marriage was a honeymoon, we laugh, share jokes, learning about each other etc etc. i feel so sad and depressed but i try not to think much of it (which is very very hard to do), i work like mad, go to gym, go out with friends like i used to do before married. suppose some men want to get married but not mentally and emotionally commit to their partner. they want to be king but they don't treat their wife as queen.
i give us another 8 months to work things out, i rather be a widow than a deprived married wife. what happen to you guys now? i hope things are ok now. or at least you are happy.
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hi lost 44,
are both of you very young?
have you ever have any intimacy before marriage?
sorry, i just find it strange that there are such thing going on.
personally i can't live without kissing my partner for even a day,you should make it a point that you kiss him and hug him everywhere you go or everyday you wake up or he came back from work.
well,i can understand not everybody belongs to those who will express their love every moment but i can never accept a husband like yours unless since day one he behaves like this.
try to talk to him you can't go on like this and for sure there's nothing wrong with you!
All the best to you!!!
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First of all -- Are you married to my ex?
I know how you feel, because my ex husband was like that -- for more YEARS than you have been tolerating in months...which either speaks of my commitment to marriage or my stupidity, take your pick...
One thing that strikes me as odd -- you've only been married since January. This means that for 3 months prior to the wedding, he cut you off -- and before that, you had a normal sex life. Did you discuss this problem before the wedding, or after?
Sex isn't everything -- if a spouse is disabled, it would be cruel to leave them because they weren't able to perform; but your spouse's intentional withholding of physical intimacy is cruel.
I had a hard time dealing with this. What finally made me feel free to leave -- is when I asked a clergyman, who told me that in the eyes of the church, my husband had "set me aside", which would be grounds for divorce.
I don't think you're that bad off yet, but it may be time to draw a line in the sand -- tell your husband you are both going to a marriage counselor SOON. PERIOD. Not "or else", just "WE ARE GOING." This can't continue. And maybe back off the baby talk for a while, ok? That's a lot of pressure at once. Perhaps attack one issue at a time?
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Don't think i'm married to your ex stinkerbelle. i did ground check that he's never been married before. plus, its an arranged marriage between my parents and him.
I agree sex isn't everything. for me communication is vital which is lacking between us now. I do consider marriage counselor but for now i just step back and let him in his own cave for another month i suppose.
anyhow, thanks for the advice.
yuhana, i guess your wife fear of losing you if you know her biggest secret, flaw, etc. try to talk to her and if you truly loves her, tell her that you accept her as she is and you'll be with her through good and bad (make sure u really mean it or else she gonna think that u just said it for sex).
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mx
13 yrs ago
I Have been keeping this inside my chest for long time until i found this thread and decided to share this to you all. I too have the same problem with lost44 and some of you. Been married for 10 years now, have 2 young kids, we're both early 40's. I have been, let's say sexless for 1 year now. My husband started loosing intimacy with me since after our first child, I remember those times that i was the first one who would always jumped on him, yes I swallowed my pride but I needed it. Asked him if he's gay but insisted he's not. He didn't want to seek counselling either. He's running his own business but that's not the reason of not being interested in me. We have been sleeping in separate room for few years (may be 4 years now). I'm planning a divorce but it's hurting me whenever I think of my 2 kids. I wouldn't say that I lost my attractiveness because at work some few guys said to me that I don't look like I have children. One time he asked me what gift I want for my birthday, and I said as a Joke that I wanted "Vibrator", I couldn't believe what he replied to me. He said where can I buy it?, It's really stupid.
I don't need advice here, but at least I have shared this to you all as I'm sure I'm not the only one in this kind of situation.
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The reason is this;
He is shi**ing himself... he loves you very much but is very frightened of everything collapsing if he fails or something goes wrong that he cannot fix..
He has a new business..!!
He has a new wife..!!
He has bills to pay.. !!
He has Loans/ Mortgages to pay.. !!
He must make sure the environment he provides can be maintained... !!
He has nightmares about his business failing and being on the street.. !!
He worries about things like, "jeesh, if we have a baby and my business fails, what the hell will we do.. !!"
He's only a man... the thoughts of bringing another being onto this planet, in his current situation, scares the freakin' hell out of him... he can barely take care of himself and his new wife at this time..!!
He doesn't need counselling... he needs his wife, his life partner to be with him as his partner and to understand his concerns and work them through by PLANNING things together... He doesn't need some spoiled little bitch adding to his stress by demanding babies just to keep up with the neighbours... !! WTF...
Wake up luv.. you are his main problem now... so, either hold yourself accountable for the vows you took, if you remember, "for better or for worse" and be this man's partner, real partner... otherwise, yes, do HIM a huge favour and get the freak outta dodge..
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